On Sunday Angus, perhaps sensing that I had tied a knot at the end of my rope and was just hanging on, sent me to the store by myself. I am still technically on a driving ban (you're not allowed to drive for 6 weeks after a C-section for insurance purposes, and I have one more day of the ban to serve out). With the exception of one afternoon where Angus took the babies to see his mother, it was the first time I'd been apart from the babies since they were born. I hadn't showered and still had spit-up on me in several locations, the babies were due their next feeding in 20 minutes (they are actually on a pretty good routine now, although Nick is going through a growth spurt) and Nora had been screaming for 3 hours at that point. I simply changed out of my pajama pants into jeans, and I took Angus up on his offer.

I drove 2 miles to our local Waitrose.

Inside, I was overwhelmed. I don't get out much. My days start with babies at 6:30-7 and end with babies at 11:30-midnight. I've been to the grocery store with Angus and the babies 3 times since they arrived, and each time I found my senses assaulted, naked and bleeding and staring confused at the range of toothpastes available. Once I can start driving I've promised to get out more, to get back into life. To be honest, I haven't missed it. I can go days lately without getting out, I just don't mind.

I found myself randomly picking things up and putting them down. I didn't know what I really needed. Milk, I needed milk. A lemon, we could do with a lemon. Shall I make pasta for lunch tomorrow? What about curried red snapper for dinner?

As I walked through the aisles my mind wandered. The women in my life, they're causing me grief. It's the women.

My hand coursed over the surface of a shiny eggplant, the skin stretched tight and about to burst. I thought of my sister and her latest, which I find to be the absolute height of selfishness and I almost never use that word as it was hurled far too frequently at me when I was growing up. I have written off my sister and her judgemental ineptitude, but it doesn't mean she's not on my periphery in other people's lives. I take her scorn and throw it back in her sanctimonious face. She is not my sister anymore.

My anger is grotesque.

I wander through the pasta, seeing spinach spirals and wholewheat penne. I buy both. You can never have too much pasta.

I think of my mother and her clipped, brusque emails. She is not a part of my life or the babies' lives either, and in some ways I regret that as the babies should know her to some extent. But then she wanted to not have contact and she gets just that. I rage about how the other grandchild and grandchildren-to-be get to be the center of the world when I have four children of my own that should see the universe gravitate around them. She has no shrine for my children, they are not the benchmark of perfection, they get compared to what she views as perfection. Then again, I would prefer it was this way, so I have myself to blame as well. I'm sick of them reading my site and my feelings.

I head into the baby aisle, once an area of no-go to a nearly superstitious level, and I buy every colic product they have on the shelf.

The products are beginning to blur together. I backtrack to the cheese section. I am so tired all of a sudden, I need my second wind, or my third, or my fourth, or however many breezes I've been through that day.

I pick up some chicken breast for Melissa's lunches. Her work experience ends soon and she goes home on Thursday. I love the kid, I really do. She called me her Mum to the hairdresser the other day, when she and I both cut huge chunks of our hair off. I love her, but I am getting tired of picking up after her despite repeated nagging. I put some rules down - she had nine Diet Cokes in three hours the other night, I've now restricted her to a mximum of three a day. She listens and respects my instruction. I feel like we're getting somewhere, I put a rule down and it's being followed and I feel that's huge. I love the kid but I'm ashamed to admit I'm ready for her to go home now, I want to have a lack of Kanye West and The Killers playing in the house.

Truffle oil. Surely I need some truffle oil. Doesn't everyone need truffle oil? And dried porcini mushrooms? I'd rather have dried wild mushrooms. Where are those?

I think of Nora. Little Nora, who I bonded with during those dark hours in the hospital when it was just her and I. Angus was home after visiting hours, Nick was under the microscope in special care, and it was Nora and I in our darkened room. I remember looking over at her sleeping next to me. She was an angel, an absolute angel.

Where did she go, my beautiful sweet daughter? Will she really come back by about 12 weeks, and can colic truly be put behind us? Will the screaming really stop? We've tried everything, and I miss my little girl like you wouldn't believe.

I walk through the spices and can taste the labels on the glass jars floating in the wind. It tastes like glue and India, like paper and France, like a recipe I can almost touch. I need to book our tickets for the holiday. We're running short on time. How can I keep Nora from screaming on the plane? The babies need snowsuits - the ones I bought them are 0-3m and clearly won't be fitting them for a long time. I have got to book a condo, they're rapidly disappearing and we need accommodation. My thoughts are random and fly to fast to hold.

I have been stressed. Very stressed. Stressed in ways I cannot articulate nor define. Ass bleed has returned, but I try to take the days in stride. Angus and I are doing very well, united against the front of everything. On Wednesday we have to go into London to the U.S. Embassy, where we finally got an appointment to register the babies and apply for their passports. I know there's a good chance we will both lose our tempers there, as everything is maddeningly slow and bureaucratic. It will also be my first time in London since my rest began during the pregnancy. It has been 3 months. I get overwhelmed in Waitrose, I don't know how I'll handle London.

I pay for my purchases, and for once I can't remember what I bought. I think about things. I hold on to it all. I keep going forward.

I go home to a house that needs cleaning again, and I marvel at my two tiny babies that are wearing my favorite outfits of theirs. I realize it's likely the last time they'll wear these outfits, as they really are outgrowing them and I need to accept it.

I love my babies with a space a million years long.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:54 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 1262 words, total size 7 kb.

1 You are just.so.courageous. I have my reasons for telling you so, believe me. Nora WILL stop screaming, perhaps not on the day she´ll be 12 weeks old, but she will. And when Melissa has left, there will be less work and stress for you, and Nora will react to this, I'm sure. {{hugs}} from Germany

Posted by: Gina at November 13, 2007 11:11 AM (Y8m4l)

2 Helen, I don't really know what to say except, out of all your posts, this one made me cry. I'm a lurker by nature, not good with words like you, but you express yourself so beautifully. I really hope that the people in your life who are causing you stress, just grow up and leave you alone. You have a beautiful family who love you, right on your door step. As for Nora, she will stop crying. My niece, who is nearly 9months, had colic and nothing really helped her. it is so hard to see them cry. Just keep loving her and she will get better. I wish I could come and help you out with the housework for a little while and give you a break, at least with that. Instead, I send much love and hugs.

Posted by: Suzie at November 13, 2007 12:15 PM (weSjv)

3 Way to go Angus! That's the man's job to shove mom out the door when she needs a break. Someday, before you know it, this time will be a treasured memory. I know it doesn't seem so now, but trust me. You really are handling things magnificently!

Posted by: ~Easy at November 13, 2007 12:19 PM (WdRDV)

4 Excellent, a few minutes to take a breath and reflect, doesn't it somehow re-energize you!! Many thanks to Angus!!

Posted by: Steff at November 13, 2007 01:33 PM (6pfid)

5 I too wish I could come help out with mundane tasks so you can relax. I'm glad you got to get out for a bit even if it was overwhelming for you. You just keep moving on past the people who insist on bringing you down; their petty behavior, although hurtful, isn't worth your time or attention. You're a great mom. I think you're doing incredibly well. Best wishes for smooth bureaucratic business on Wednesday! I hope all goes well; the last thing you need is more to worry about.

Posted by: Lisa at November 13, 2007 01:38 PM (EcHBm)

6 I know it doesn't feel it but your are honestly doing wonderful. I know it doesn't feel it but Nora will stop crying. I know it doesn't feel it, YET, but the fact that having children causes you to scrape through all of those old issues of family helps to heal a chunk of it on the other side. At least, in my case it gave validation that there is a correct way to be a mother and it wasn't all in my imagination. And dear, you are doing it correctly. Take care.

Posted by: Laura at November 13, 2007 02:04 PM (U1yF0)

7 Wow, I remember that feeling of walking out of the house and away from the babies and into the world and feeling disoriented by all the people and cacophony and choices! I hadn't thought of it for a long time, and you brought it all back. You are doing a brilliant job of mothering...surely the hardest work of all...and now more than ever you are at that stage where you just gotta do whatever works. If that means having a baby sleeping on your chest so both of you can rest, so be it. (This was the only thing that worked for one of my boys for about 3 weeks. And I wish I could have exactly one day of it back.) Hugs all the way from Texas.

Posted by: houstonmom at November 13, 2007 04:05 PM (hdKEQ)

8 Like the last commenter, you made me remember *vividly* what that felt like when I went outside the house for the first time after having Lucy. Wow. Thanks for that memory.

Posted by: The other Amber at November 13, 2007 04:10 PM (zQE5D)

9 Love you babe. you're doing great.

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 13, 2007 04:14 PM (/vgMZ)

10 Reading this forced me to reflect on my first weeks as a new mom; struggling with all the new responsibilities and the overwhelming feeling of everything. I know it doesn't feel like it, but life will somehow morph magically and you'll never know what you did with all your time pre-baby. As for life with a teen - I fully believe there is a reason we get children little and tiny. If all else fails in the world of colic & you're up for assvice drop a line & I'll let you know what worked for me.

Posted by: Cursingmama at November 13, 2007 05:06 PM (PoQfr)

11 I wish I could take it all away -- all the stress and frustration and the wounded feelings. Alas, I cannot. I CAN tell you that my first baby boy SCREAMED from 6 p.m. to 3 a.m. EVERY DAY for what felt like forever, but in reality was probably a month. I was exhausted, too and alone most of the time. White noise helps. Hugs and gentleness for you help. A warm bath and a great cup of tea help. Time. It just takes time. You'll look back on it and wonder how you got through it. And THAT day comes much more quickly than you think. I love you and if anyone can handle it all, it is YOU. Love to the family,

Posted by: Margi at November 13, 2007 05:41 PM (wSEpS)

12 I get so calmed reading your entries, thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. Your babies are absolutely beautiful, and it is so wonderful that they are healthy and growing.

Posted by: Liv at November 13, 2007 06:51 PM (G6ihV)

13 All I can say is it will get better. I lived through colic with 2 babies, and they will stop crying one day. You're perfectly normal in your reactions and thoughts about it. I am sorry that your family causes you so much grief.

Posted by: kenju at November 14, 2007 12:47 AM (TiGru)

14 I promise, the colic goes away. When our son came home from the NICU after 12 days we were shocked to find him colicky. He'd been such a good baby in the hospital. But a few weeks after he came home, the incessant crying began. I was the only thing that soothed him. My inadequate, never completely full breasts were the only things I could give him that would make him calm. He'd nurse lying next to me all night long. And then, about 4 1/2 months old, it was like a switch. Literally. You get through the first day with no random crying and you think it's a fluke. And then 3 weeks later, you realize what they say about colic is true. It does just turn off. It's something to do with how their GI tract matures I think. Anyway, you're doing a fantastic job. I lurk often, but wanted to let you know that many of us have been there, and it does (I promise I'm not just saying this to be trite) it does get better.

Posted by: kim at November 14, 2007 04:47 AM (m+kW/)

15 I have a theory that babies aren't ready to be born when they are, but they must be as they get too big for our bodies. Look at other mammals. They're born walking and doing all sorts of things. Ours are cute little vegetables that smell sweet and have 4 appendages. And I think that some just are not ready digestively, hence what I call 'The 12 week fussies'. From 3 weeks to 12, most get it and some get colic in a bad bad way, like Nora has. And then at 12 weeks, Beep, its over. And like a previous reader said, you think at first it is a fluke and then as she also said, 3 weeks later you realize, "Oh, its over!" I used to laugh that my big escape was going to Publix. For the first 4 months, Publix and home... my biggest foray into the sea of humanity was the frickin' grocery store. And I'd not have changed a thing. Hang in there. You're doing GREAT.

Posted by: Bou at November 14, 2007 01:12 PM (fGpp7)

16 You're doing great, Helen. You've taken to this mother thing just like I knew that you would. I'm so sorry about the colic. The hints on a happy sleeping baby work a little less well on a colicky child. A former coworker of mine had a child with colic. His comment? "It's amazing how productive you can be at work on 4 hours of broken sleep." This was during the third month. However, the colic went away around week 12, so just hang in there. For what it's worth, as frazzled as I became during the first couple of months, I still wanted to hold and comfort my child. I'm glad that there were two of us, though. Sometimes, you needed to handoff a screamer and take a quick breather. Like going to the store by yourself. :-) I love my babies with a space a million years long. For the record, that space just keeps on growing. You will be amazed at just how large your heart can grow.

Posted by: physics geek at November 14, 2007 01:23 PM (MT22W)

17 You're doing really well! I never get out with the triplets, though I did get out withOUT them once so far. Some day I think perhaps I'll get out again. Funny that you're not allowed to drive for 6 weeks after a c-section. I was allowed to drive a week after mine, though many doctors restrict their patients for two weeks. (My doctor basically said I could drive as soon as I physically felt that I could)

Posted by: Karen at November 14, 2007 07:22 PM (U4vFV)

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