Love, you know?

Love. It comes in so many, many forms. The most talked about, the most revered, the most painful thing in the world, love. The center of the Hallmark industry, the enabler of Hollywood stardust, the stuff that romantic dreams are made of. Love. The greatest and most painful, the holiest and the most sinful, the deepest and the most shallow...

My life, it's full of love.

Love of Angus, which goes without saying. Love of my babies (two months old today), which I've splashed liberally across my blog like a paint can turned on its side. Love of my health, which I have a fierce pride over.

Love of traditions. Christmas is coming, and with it comes a million different things that I love. This love, it's a pert love. Baubles and beads, lights and bells, the stuff of Christmas dreams, the love I have for the child I could have been, should have been, and was comes out this time of year. I can hear her. I'll indulge her anything. Christmas blog posts dash through my head-my favorite posts of the year come at Christmastime. Christmas presents line my bedroom floor (quick! Hide them! Tidy up!). My love for Christmas is the most youthful part of me.

It's also a lonely love, one that I battle to keep on the straight and narrow. Christmas delights and enchants me, but it's also a dangerous curve. I jump off the side of it with the slightest nudge or bump, but the lure of what it could be, what it should be, what the magic of Santa and laughter and red velvet bows and warm laughter, it's usually enough to try to keep me grounded.

This Christmas isn't getting as far inside as it should do, but I'm hoping that's just because there's been some turbulence this year. There's still time.

I love my family. When they come it's as a quiet force of calm. They descend upon our house in a haze of jet fuel and hugs. The babies can do no wrong, they are a sheer unmitigated delight and the center of the universe. For my dad, they are a well-acknowledged do-over for his failures as a father. For me, he is a chance for the babies to have all of our lessons and our love into their worlds. I've never seen him so young, so approachable, and so calm. You'd think it would make me mourn what I didn't have, but instead it makes me celebrate what the babies will.

I teared up when they left today. Now, I listen to "I'll Be Home For Christmas". In my head I'm there. In my heart, I'm home wherever those I love are. I hold my babies against my chest so they can hear my heartbeat and I watch the rest of the day go by.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 02:20 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 481 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Whenever I'm catching up on my blogs for the day, I read them aloud to my daughter. And that was a beautiful thing to read to her today!

Posted by: Dotty at December 03, 2007 02:58 PM (KJE2B)

2 I'm not really feeling Christmas this year either, so I am THROWING myself headlong into decorating and shopping and cooking and baking. So far it seems to be working.... Glad to hear you all had a nice visit with your Dad!

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 03, 2007 03:11 PM (IfXtw)

3 you are blessed!

Posted by: mei at December 03, 2007 03:18 PM (48Ztn)

4 Merry Christmas to you and yours, And be sure to get "Elfs.ed" for the holiday. http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1146590896

Posted by: Foggy at December 03, 2007 03:45 PM (tfAoq)

5 Happy. Loving and loved. Good post.

Posted by: Lisa at December 03, 2007 03:47 PM (EcHBm)

6 You are right, it is a do-over. Soon, your many Christmases with the babies will erase the thoughts about your childhood. You will see. You will get to be that child, with your children. Bravo! Here is too many happy Christmases. Those babies are adorable even with that precious girl screaming her head off. Adorable!

Posted by: oddybobo at December 03, 2007 03:53 PM (mZfwW)

7 Christmas has always been special to me. Strangely enough, as screwed up as my parents and childhood were, Christmas and my birthday (which comes the week before) was always done right. My parents never mixed the two and made my birthday a very special seperate celebration. When I was young, we always had snow for both my birthday and Christmas and with the first snow the anticipation would grow. I tried to keep it the same for my children - a couple of which also have December birthdays. I hope you get to enjoy your first with your sweet little ones... you are such a great mama. The love just seeps out across the ocean...

Posted by: sue at December 03, 2007 04:18 PM (WbfZD)

8 Know what? I know that you are going to be more than OK, if only by this one sentence alone: You'd think it would make me mourn what I didn't have, but instead it makes me celebrate what the babies will. *tears* I am finally feeling Christmas this year after years and years of not. You should watch "The Polar Express". Granted, it is no "Elf", but it is lovely just the same.

Posted by: Teresa at December 03, 2007 05:24 PM (yPh97)

9 I agree with Theresa. This is a beautiful, hopeful post.

Posted by: kenju at December 03, 2007 06:44 PM (TiGru)

10 Elf helps. Its on TV right now as I work from home. Not that I couldn't just pop it in the DVD player. Maybe we should have an Elf watching contest and see who watches it the most since Thanksgiving. I think you should also watch "Love Actually".

Posted by: SaraJane at December 03, 2007 07:22 PM (XnWEJ)

11 I'm amazed your dad visits so much. Mine lives 300 miles away, and I see him...once a year if we're lucky. I think you're in a better place than I am emotionally, because when I see my dad "playing grandpa" for the short time he visits, I'm always holding my breath for him to let my daughter down the way he did me. Then again, my dad isn't really so much about fixing the things he did wrong in the past, he's more about trying to buy redemption with gifts, so maybe that's the difference.

Posted by: Tracy at December 03, 2007 08:07 PM (zv3bS)

12 Oh...making me get a lump in my throat...enjoy the magic of the holiday season...and the sparkly eyed pink cheeked babies!!

Posted by: Steff at December 04, 2007 12:05 AM (xjmcr)

13 So very beautifully expressed with every word. Christmas=winter=SAD for me. And so I attempt to launch myself head first into Christmas frenzy of gift giving/making and cheer and volunteering. You have BABIES! Which I think is even better for this same purpose. It sounds that way to me. Oh and yes, there is always Elf. Which my husband brought home with him just the other night. Because our last copy was absconded by my daughter.

Posted by: Keri aka KinnicChick at December 04, 2007 01:03 AM (76fgf)

14 Beautiful. And it's early yet— St. Nicholas Day isn't until Thursday, and that was the real start of the holiday season for my family. (Put out our shoes the night before and got candy, a soft gingerbread cookie, and a small toy in them. I only remember one of those toys— a little Tonka earth mover, of all things— but it's still the start of the holidays for me.)

Posted by: B. Durbin at December 04, 2007 01:26 AM (tie24)

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