As I've blogged before I have a completely pointless Bachelor's Degree in anthropology. I loved my courses but there's nothing less useful in the real world than the ability to recite the names and reigns of all of the Egyptian pharoahs or the origins of the australopithecines. Cool to study and it means you can go to class in your boxer shorts and be considered bohemian, but not so practical if you want to make enough money to eat.

I've long been interested in biological anthropology (termed "the study of the monkeys", it always makes me think of going to the zoo and watching them swing on a tire swing) and the link to human behavior. To this point, my papers and my research tended to be along the lines of biological imperatives and human socialization, or "why we can blame genetics for how we act", which is always a fun game and often involves the use of hand puppets. In other words, I was the poster child for "get a life".

Stay with me here-I do have a point.

One of the studies that I loved doing, besides gender studies, is the understanding of monogamy and romantic emotion in humans. You could argue that this is also tied with gender and I would tend to agree with you, but I find it very, very interesting that the whole notion of romance, sex, love, and marriage is perhaps an evolved form of our australopithecine ancestors picking lice off of each other. Besides, I hate lice, so anything that gets the little bastards off the planet is ok with me.

I recently bought a book by an author named Dan Savage called The Commitment. I bought it because I had read Savage's The Kid and loved it, I had never heard of him but it appears he's a sex advice columnist in the States, and he makes me laugh, which I sorely need these days. The Kid was about Savage and his boyfriend adopting a child and about the angles of gays adopting (which I am pro.) The Commitment is about gay marriage (which I am also pro), the debate about gay marriage, and if he and his boyfriend should get married.

This post isn't to debate views on gay rights, gay adoption or gay marriage.

This post is about the chapter I read last night.

This post is about monogamy.

In all of my pencil-chewing library studies in college, the one clear thing I kept seeing was that human beings are not by nature monogamous. It's not in the best interest of the species, actually-the males shouldn't spread so much as spray their seed in order to ensure their lines survive, and the females should choose the fittest of the species to try to ensure survivaly. But all of this is if we really were acting like the monkeys, and I'd like to think that although we share 99% of the same DNA as the bonobo, we don't need to go about flinging our feces and acting like them.

Monogamy is a social construct that we have placed on ourselves by really fun things like religion, society, tradition, and our neighbors frowning upon not being monogamous. Human beings, like our good buddies the monkeys, are actually programmed for one thing-reproduction. We're biologically coded to spend time making baby Us so that the baby Us can inherit the world and actually continue in it. Of course, in our modern iPod, airplane flying, overpopulated, no more Yangtze River Dolphin society, we don't really need to breed to survive. Now the only thing we need to survive is a high thread count sheet and the ability for the weatherman to tell us what's going to be outside our window in the morning.

The studies I did also used to state that monogamy is harder for men than women. In general, I would agree with that, but use it in an argument with me of why you tripped and your dick fell into someone else and chances are I'm going to come unglued in a very big way. I may agree with your biological imperative to spread your little soldiers, but there's such a thing as willpower, buddy. Try it on. I also actually think that women sometimes need a physical representation of "Wow, I find you hot" to make them feel good. It's not just men that feel the need to get physical, only men sleeping around are "just being men". Women sleeping around are "whores". Show me a guy who's slept with 100 women and I'll show you an NBA star who is idolized. Show me a woman who's slept with 100 men and I'll show you their porn star credentials. It's a nice double-standard.

The reason I agree with the idea that men find monogamy harder is simple - in general studies, men find the idea of their partner having sex with someone else to be more disturbing than the idea of their partner falling in love with someone else. For men, the "biological imperative" is stronger in that, from the monkey point of view, they need to know the progeny that springs forth from the loins of their beloved is their own. That, and I think men get more obsessed with the "Was he better than me?" worry than women do.

With women, it's the opposite-we tend to get more wildly upset if our boys fall in love than get pissed out of their heads and shag someone. This is not to say that we're not upset if you sleep with someone else, but there are degrees of hurt. True, this isn't for everyone. But overall, the idea of our partner betraying us on a one-off is much harder to take than knowing our partner betrayed us due to some perceived emotional deficiency that may have been brewing in our relationship. Both types of cheating hurt like hell. Maybe one of them is much harder to live with than the other.

But I actually feel the way the study says.

Say Angus were to sleep with another woman. Let's pretend he had a work do in another city and he and his workmates went drinking (which is what happens when one has work dos in over cities) and he picked up a chick in a drunken state of mind and slept with her. The next morning, in that typical Catholic-like fit of remorse (which feels a lot like a hangover and is, in fact, often combined with one) he calls me and apologetically tells me the whole thing. Sordid details to emerge at a later time, because at that time in the morning I'd have a hard time hearing about the ins and outs of the evening (no pun intended). Then, once he arrived home shame-faced and we sat across the kitchen table while he poured his heart and soul out and begged forgiveness, well...depending on the circumstances, he'd probably get it (but talk about the making up that would be needed). Not because I feel it's his "biological imperative" to sleep around, but because he came clean. Because I've been on those business trips where the booze is flowing and someone's making your ego feel good. Because I do actually know that sometimes when cheating happens, it's not because of the person that you love not being there, it's in spite of it. I'm not excusing the cads of the world out there, and I'm not saying it's ok, but I am saying that I understand how the circumstances can be.

That, and because of my Macaroni and Cheese Theory.

While I love macaroni and cheese with all of my heart and soul, I don't want it every day for the rest of my life. Along the same lines, I think that the idea of having sex with the same person for the rest of your life makes one think "Hmmmm....I wonder where I can get some fish and chips around here." You may love macaroni and cheese, but it doesn't mean it's all you want from now until death you do part. Whenever I find people that say "No way. I love macaroni and cheese. It's never even once crossed my mind ever to think of anything else, not once. Never. Uh-uh. Where's my fork?" I think: Either you're not being honest with yourself, or you don't get out much.

I think it's human nature to wonder about other people. Whether or not you act on it has to do with your social constructs (I'm married and cheating is wrong), your values (God/society tells me cheating is wrong), your relationship (nothing is worth hurting my partner) and even opportunity (working as a groundskeeper in this monastery sure sucks). But naughty thoughts, well, there's no stopping those. I love Angus madly and I think he's the best lover ever, but I'd be lying if I said I never fantastized about someone else and never wondered what someone new would be like in bed. But I talk to him about these things and together we keep it honest. I'm not excusing people that do have affairs because they have a responsibility to their partners, and that responsibility entails being honest, discussing things, and keeping their johnson in their shorts/their legs closed if that's what they know is important to their partners.

But that's "just" sex. And I'm not saying that finding out he'd slept with someone else wouldn't bother me at all because it certainly would. But what would bother me much, much more was finding out he had a strong emotional and romantic attachment to someone else. If he was going out of his way to send kind or loving emails, texts, or gifts I'd really come unhinged. Why? Because the way I see it is this-sleeping with someone is a fuck up. All it takes is alcohol and a sudden dearth of willpower. Romancing someone takes effort. You have to want to spend time with someone to work that hard. You have to want another person to feel good. Feeling good takes time whereas an orgasm takes 15 seconds. It's all about the investment case here. And forgive me for being very female and bitchy about this one, but as far as I see it, I should be enough of a needy, loving, worthy woman that I take up all the resources for romance. You should be so busy ensuring I get the loving emails, texts, and sentiments that you don't have the time or the inclination to give them to someone else.

Maybe that's selfish.

I'm ok with that.

Dan Savage states in this chapter that he and his boyfriend have a way of working to handle "extracurricular activities", which rang a bell because Angus and I have exactly the same thing. We're grown-ups with a complicated relationship history, and we knew going into this that we'd have to be honest with each other or we'd face the same problems our relationships had in the past. We both agree that monogamy is a hard goddamn game to play, and that at points in our lives there will be opportunities. Because we're pretty matter of fact about it, we agreed our own way of working, whereby we would handle situations as they came up. We tend to be brutally honest when it comes to some areas of our lives. This is one of them. We both love macaroni and cheese, but an all-you-can-eat Alaskan snow crab buffet can be pretty fucking tempting.

It doesn't hurt my feelings if Angus were to tell me that someone fancies him. In fact, I think it's kinda' cute and makes me think: Someone finds him hot and I own him, how cool is that? It also doesn't hurt my feelings if he tells me he saw a hot chick today, because he's not saying he doesn't find me hot, he's saying he found another person attractive, too (although with me currently feeling like something that winds up washed up and beached on shorelines, he should tread carefully in this area just now.)

One area where I am a stickler (and Angus is a stickler in return) is this-if Angus ever did act on an opportunity, I'd better know about it. Pronto. Because I've been the Chick Who Was Cheated On by previous partners (three times, actually, although I can only prove two times.) In those situations, I didn't want to know about the affairs, I turned a blind eye. But in those situations, I also didn't love and invest as much into the relationship as I have done here. There is no room for looking the other way and covering up in my relationship with Angus. Things get dealt with, or they fester and ooze. This would extend to if he ever did sleep with someone.

Being cheated on hurts like a sonofabitch. I've been cheated on. I've also cheated as a knee-jerk response to being messed around with, which honestly makes me no better. If you've been cheated on you also know how unbearable it can feel. Relationships have rules and those rules need to be followed, or else people can get hurt in ways that one cannot imagine. I'm not excusing partners that fuck up or saying that it's ok that they do this. I'm just saying that in some situations I can understand some of the background to how it happens, which is not the same thing as saying "Sure, go and follow your biological male imperative! Wheeee! Isn't it fun? Go ahead and sleep with a beautiful thin 20-something with a flat navel-ringed stomach and a bedroom routine that makes Jenna Jameson look like an amateur! I don't mind, it's your genetic coding talking here!"

Relax-I'm writing about this only because I read a chapter about it last night, not because it's something I'm facing in my real life. Angus isn't about to go sleep with someone on a business trip. Or he'd better not do because I'm one of those pregnant chicks that drew the "very horny" straw which means I want some all the time, although with various health issues we haven't been having any. That and I'm currently feeling so insecure I make Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction look like a pillar of stability, so I currently need so much reassurance I imagine Angus is too tired to even swivel his head 90 degrees to look at someone else.

But monogamy, it makes me think. Maybe your relationship works differently, maybe I'm too cyncial, I dunno. I just understand when I read the sentiment "Monogamy is hard". Because for some it is.

And now I want macaroni and cheese.

-H.

PS-first, we're in the flood zone (but we didn't get flooded.) Now, we're in the surveillance zone for foot and mouth. It's literally in our backyard, as one of the farms on our lane is sealed off. Last year we had draught. This year floods. Now cattle are being slaughtered. I'm wondering if I should take a hint here.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:17 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 2523 words, total size 14 kb.

1 Brilliant. And you say yorr degree has no practical us. Seems to me you just proved the value. If more people had your background the world would be a amuch better place. You discussion of the "sperm are cheap, eggas are dear" construct is one ofthe best I have ever read. Congrats.

Posted by: Foggy at August 08, 2007 10:44 AM (ar1QF)

2 Your "Mac & Cheese" theory is exactly why marriage scares the bejesus out of me. Although I agree that my partner falling madly in love with someone else would hurt more than getting drunk and screwing someone- I'm not that forgiving. I'd like to think I would be, but I'm not, this I've learned from past experiences. I'm not that good at giving people a second chance to hurt me, although in the right relationship (that may be a paradox, b/c if this was so right...how did things go so wrong) I might be willing to try again, but you better be prepared for my "who was that" quesitons until I get over it. Getting your ego stroked, well that's acceptable, and I think it's adorable when HE is smiling because of it. I typically "pick" on him...in the grade school type of "ooh...she's got a crush on you". I think that's good for everyone, as long as that's all it is.

Posted by: Angela at August 08, 2007 11:28 AM (DGWM7)

3 Dan Savage is one of my heroes. You can read his weekly column here: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=279238

Posted by: Gwyneth at August 08, 2007 12:18 PM (ujvNt)

4 I love when you take on these controversial issues! I'm an anthropology major myself, so I can appreciate where you are coming from. Great work, loved this post.

Posted by: Heather at August 08, 2007 12:50 PM (s0rhn)

5 I love being married. I adore and lust after my husband, even 12 years later. Does that mean I don't fantasize about others once in a while? Of course not, and I hope to hell he does sometimes too-I would be more concerned if he didn't. But yeah-if it ever did happen to either of us? The beans better be spilt. I remember in a sociology class discussing how most women would rather have their husbands sleep with a prostitute if they were going to cheat-at least that way there was no emotional commitment. Although I don't want my hubby's business being boughy by anyone else-paid for or not-I get it. Emotional betrayal would be much harder to forgive then physical, for all the reasons you stated. I once told my hubby that I didn't ever worry about him straying-I told him he was pretty lazy and barely had the engery to woo me with loving notes, sweet nothings, and the like(and if I do say so myself, I am pretty cheap and easy to please), and there was no way in hell he could take on another lover (even physically). He agreed, and we laughed. Maybe that is why we work so well.

Posted by: Teresa at August 08, 2007 01:54 PM (BD8Ml)

6 I might wait and see if you have a plague of locusts. That might tell the tale...LOL In my 43 yrs. of marriage, both mr. kenju and I have had numerous "offers" to cheat. The thought of going against my vows sickens me, so I couldn't imagine doing it. I would feel so awful afterwards.

Posted by: kenju at August 08, 2007 02:21 PM (DBvE5)

7 This is a topic of conversation that has interested me a great deal. I've been cheated on in the past and there are bits that still sting - it was both emotional and sexual. Anyway, I've had issues with my husband and getting him to actually admit that he finds other women attractive. I've seen him checking out a pretty girl walking down the street and have teased him about it or said that she has a nice set of boobage. He will deny it until he's blue in the face. I married someone who will eat mac and cheese (the yucky box stuff) every night for dinner just because he thinks it is what makes me happy. Instead, what would make me happy is for him to tell me the truth and then make himself happy. I freely admit to having hot dreams about Colin Firth. I am a (mostly straight) woman with a pulse after all. Phew, therapy in the comments section again. Was going to say something else but was distracted by Abby putting a "hat" (half of some plastic egg thing) on the cat's head.

Posted by: Michele at August 08, 2007 02:59 PM (H4SV7)

8 Interestingly, this is why I had to stop blogging. My wife felt like it was a form of cheating because I kept it a secret from her. Emotional attachment takes many forms.

Posted by: ~Easy at August 08, 2007 03:09 PM (OxoSt)

9 Lol. I remember in evolutionary psych how the phrase "Mama's baby, papa's maybe" (and the "Milkman phenomenon", both used to describe that problem of paternal uncertainty) used to crack me up. I remember that all the discussions of monogamy in my psyc and philosophy classes in college used to bring me down a little, thinking about the artificiality of monogamy, but I told myself that the reason many people value it so much is exactly because it's hard and because it takes so much effort, and I still believe that's true. And whenever the Husband jokes that he doesn't even see attractive women, I tell him to cut the crap

Posted by: watersign at August 08, 2007 03:58 PM (yYjz5)

10 I have cheated and I have been cheated on. I guess due to my upbringing, religion or the fact that my Grandma in Heaven ACTUALLY SAW THAT made me feel cheap and dirty and not so happy with myself. And then I met my husband. I am a firm believer in the theory that BOTH parties in a relationship must feel as if they've won the romantic lottery - in other words they are both so very fortunate and lucky - that they wouldn't dream of hurting the other one. I would make him macaroni and cheese for the rest of his life - or, you know, I could wear a crab outfit and we could try that buffet thing? Variety is the spice of life but please - variety from within. I admit it. I would be devastated on the emotional affair but I would be just as devastated with a "casual" romp. I know how badly it fucks things up. (pun is always intended) I'm pretty sure that he feels exactly the same way. We're both very flirty, talky people - but we just don't put ourselves in a situation where we'd have a go at that buffet. This is one area in our relationship where we both are brutally honest and since we've both been run through the emotional wringer, we HAD to discuss it and understand that even a "fling" would be the end of us. We didn't know it, but we were each ohter's lifesaver. (All that aside, I of course wonder what a certain celebrity looks like naked and I'm sure he does too. That is to say, I don't think that just because you think it, it means that you have cheated...in this case actions are definitely more what count.)

Posted by: Margi at August 08, 2007 04:13 PM (DwLKz)

11 Helen, this made me laugh out loud: use it in an argument with me of why you tripped and your dick fell into someone else Prior to getting married, my wife and I went through some pre-marriage counseling. One of the questions asked of each of us was "What would make you want to not be married anymore?" My response was that I couldn't think of any reason that I wouldn't want to stay married to her. That's not to say that she couldn't hurt me terribly is she so chose, but she's just not that kind of person. Cheating would be a problem for me, and not just because of the betrayal. If my wife were to cheat on me, it would be because she had fallen in love with someone else. That would be what hurt the most. i still think that I married outside of my weight class, but if you were to ask my wife, she'd say that she's the lucky one. I figure as long as I can keep her feeling that way, I'll have done my job. Fortunately, it's a job that I really enjoy.

Posted by: physics geek at August 08, 2007 05:01 PM (MT22W)

12 When you see frogs everywhere, run!

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 08, 2007 05:09 PM (/vgMZ)

13 I will add one thing to the don't cheat side of things: fear of bringing home a socially unacceptable or even dangerous infection or disease to my spouse. That is something I would never be able to forgive her for if she did it to me or myself if I did it to her. Monogamy helps, if nothing else, ensure that you maintain a relatively closed biological loop and if you started safe and healthy, you will stay safe and healthy. Besides, I don't think I could handle the emotional side. Also, with three kids under the age of 7, who has the time or the energy for an extramarital affair?

Posted by: RP at August 08, 2007 05:24 PM (op1yW)

14 Cheating for me is a sore subject and very painful so I'll just leave it alone. I think it's cool that you're an Anthropology geek I was kind of a Sociology Geek...during undergrand I really was into the sociology behind death and dying and how it affects the person dying, the family, the caretakers and the healthcare workers. However, that was part of my Public Health education, which is all about surveillance of disease...which I thought was really cool.... So I guess I'm a biger geek than what I originally thought.

Posted by: Heidi at August 08, 2007 05:40 PM (aeNzn)

15 Cheating for me is a sore subject and very painful so I'll just leave it alone. I think it's cool that you're an Anthropology geek I was kind of a Sociology Geek...during undergrand I really was into the sociology behind death and dying and how it affects the person dying, the family, the caretakers and the healthcare workers. However, that was part of my Public Health education, which is all about surveillance of disease...which I thought was really cool.... So I guess I'm a bigger geek than what I originally thought.

Posted by: Heidi at August 08, 2007 05:41 PM (aeNzn)

16 I love Dan Savage! I've read both books, too and I'm a faithful reader of his column. I'm also "typically" female in that, I'd be a whole lot more hurt if my partner actually fell in love with someone than if he "did it" with some FILTHY RANDOM WHORE SLUT! lol...kidding. Sort of. Actually, my ex did exactly that and I completely forgave him. We'd been married maybe 12 years, he was traveling a lot and while in Korea for 3 weeks, one of his traveling companions bought him a hooker. I knew over the phone the next day something was wrong and a little voice in my heart said, "He slept with someone". And I was right. He was one miserable hubby when he got home, I can tell you. I knew he'd done it, I don't know how but I knew. That night after we put the kids to bed, I waited and sure enough, he cried and confessed it all. To be honest, I was more curious than mad. I wanted all the details. He wanted my "forgiveness" so I forgave him. I never brought it up again, even later when I was the one who cheated and left and I could have brought it up and thrown it at him. Never mentioned it because honestly, it didn't mean all that much. Not that I wanted him to do it again mind you, but we had not had much sexual experience outside of each other, we were each other "first", etc., so...dunno, I just wasn't that upset about that. It had hurt me much much more when he cheated on me with a girl from his work before we got married. She was prettier than me, far prettier and after weeks of making excuses to be with her, he told me he'd fallen in love with her and wanted me to move out. Marriage was off. The whore in Korea meant nothing in comparison. Obviously after I moved out, he dumped her, wanted me back, I moved back in, we got married and stayed married monogamously so for 25 years. I never brought that up again either. I forgave him so that was that. As for the Mac and Cheese theory, honestly, I kid you not; I do not fantasize or think about other men except for my husband Dan. I am still completely infatuated with him in every way and it's been almost 10 years now. I do fantasize, but Dan is the focus of all my fantasies. I'm not making it up; maybe I just don't get out enough? ;-P But then, I'm unusually wired sexually, it seems, so maybe that's why. To be honest, I find almost everyone sexually repulsive except for a very very few men I've known. That's unusual, right? I don't even like looking at porn or even movies where people are making love. It looks icky to me. I love having sex with the man I love, I'm highly sexual, but the idea of doing it with someone else just turns me completely off. Definitely not something I'd dream about doing; quite the opposite. So monogamy has always been very easy for me since I have so rarely been attracted to anyone else. That's a very good point you make there. Just because it's easy for me does not mean it's easy for everyone, thank you for saying that. And I love it when you let your Inner Anthropologist out on the blog, btw, Helen.

Posted by: The other Amber at August 08, 2007 06:38 PM (zQE5D)

17 So here's my confession for the day. I cheated in every relationship I ever had and then I met my husband. 13 years later I have not even come close. Have I had offers? Sure - and I'm sure so has he (afetr all he's smart, funny and darn cute), but I've never even been tempted. The "US" is just too good to risk. That said I have long been a firm believer that our 10 year marriage is so fabulous because he spends 4 months a year on the road filming. Like Pink says "I don't wanna wake up with another But I don't wanna always wake up with you either" (Leave Me Alone). When I first heard that song I though WOW! Someone finally gets it. At the end of the day I think that's the reason why on our recent trip to Hawaii everyone assumed we were honeymooners!

Posted by: Flikka at August 08, 2007 11:38 PM (puvdD)

18 Helen, I had to come back here to say this, I am so sorry about the post above, sorry that it happens and sorry that you have no privacy. I had a taste of that from my mother, and it wasn't fun.I hope that you will one day find peace with your family.

Posted by: kenju at August 09, 2007 11:27 AM (DBvE5)

19 While I totally understand monogamy, and it works for so many people, for my relationships, we've all decided it doesn't. And to make it ever weirder, it's not about the sex. My Chris and I only see other people when we have an emotional connection to them. No casual sex, no FWB. We open our lives to other people for love. Currently Chris and I live my other SO. For us it works. We are all totally happy. Sure I get Macaroni and Cheese AND Fish and Chips, but they are both so special to me. I don't find myself wanting hamburgers and fries for some reason. Everyone is built differently, which I think is totally cool. I just wish for those of us who don't subscribe to the whole one man one woman thing didn't get so persecuted. I've had friends disown and people in the workplace refuse to deal with me. I guess we're as bad as "The Terrorists"

Posted by: Dani at August 09, 2007 07:40 PM (ih/SY)

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