I'm having a hard time putting things into words, really. Not a usual complaint, in fact most of the time I need to dial down the verbosity, but sometimes I do get stuck.
Thanksgiving passed by in a whir of Thanksgivinglessness. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It was a harder holiday than usual, not least because the day before the big turkey day we had a discussion that contained the topic of discussion of leaving. Leaving for a longer term than my 24 hour hotel yearning. Leaving for a term that included a question mark.
And really any dining room table talk that includes the idea of leaving for any length of time is a bad conversation to have.
I guess we hit a new low. Somewhere along the way we had stopped communicating and started resenting. We didn't talk to each other with respect while arguing. We both needed some work. We converged on many layers of upset from many layers of life that piled on the table like a many layered dream coat.
The leaving talk was parked behind the scary shed, a place neither of us want to venture in the dark.
You read that having a baby changes the family dynamics, that having a baby changes people. And it does. Disregard this saying at your peril, but brace yourself for large changes in how you are as a couple. They say it's mathematical, but I feel that's a little formulaic, it's not like we're equations. If X = me and Y = baby then Z = me wondering how baby affects the day to day while the laugh track to Will & Grace plays in the background. Thus:
X (me) + Y (baby) = day to day chaos.
There is a lot missing in this equation for me. The obvious being what happens if Y = babies, as I have no concept of what raising one infant is like versus the two that I have. I also need my equation updated to reflect the fact that Angus has already been down this route. So:
X (me) + (Y*2twins)/W (Angus changing nappies) = Rare moment of drama as seen in M*A*S*H final episode.
But that's not all of it. What the equation is missing is that although Angus went through IVF with me, that he found the bottom of a cup attractive and he held my hand as I recovered, it doesn't mean he actively wanted children. He did this for me, but not because he wanted children, not at all. He's not the only man - I've had emails from women whose husbands did not want children/more children. We're the silent masses. No one talks about this equation because we don't want our husbands judged. We don't want our loves of our lives judged...and we don't want to be judged either. We're one of those Dear Abby columns:
I want a baby so badly I'm willing to kneecap prospective ice skating stars. My husband doesn't want a baby, not at all. How can I convince him to come around and help me realize the one thing I want more than size 4 thighs? Will he ever come around?
PS-and how can I get him to want to marry me? Like, feel like he'll die if he doesn't marry me and spend the rest of his life with me?
Get a clue. You can't change a person, and you can't make them want something they don't want. By all means, ask him/trick him/beg him/bribe him/nag him into having a baby, but suck it up once the baby arrives and your man resents you, because not all men look at their newborn babies and the slate is wiped clean. Some men don't "come around", babe. And you'll only have size 4 thighs if you put those peanut butter crackers down, dear.
PS- please. If you thought he wouldn't come around over the babies thing, what on earth makes you think he wants to look to his left and see you in white? White is UNFLATTERING, dear. Remember that.
No one asks Angus how he's doing. You have a baby, the mother and baby get asked constantly. We get checked and monitored, we get quizzes to evaluate our emotional state and prodded to evaluate our physical one. We go up and down like whore's drawers but the dad, well, he gets to sit in the background. I'm not a guy, but I can imagine this is an emotional roller coaster for them, too. Like we get postpartum depression, I can't believe that some men don't get depressed. Like me, Angus has been through wild highs and dismal lows since we boarded the baby train. Life has changed, and anytime you have change you have uncertainty. If you have uncertainty, surely you have worry. If you have worry, you can get the blues. Men, they are truly affected by the arrival of a baby, too.
But no one ever asks them how they are.
No one ever offers to help them.
My equation mutates then.
X (me) + (Y*2twins)/W (Angus changing nappies while handling the changes life has thrown our way) + X is unable to help him = Confusing time not unlike trying to understand what the fuck Stephen Hawking is talking about.
Add to it the fact that we have twins. And while Nick is sweetness and light most of the time - a truly easygoing baby who is completely content to just look around and curl up like a prawn, a tiny little guy who nearly fits into newborn clothes almost two months after he was born - there is his sister to contend with. Where Nick is an old soul content to take life calmly, Nora is a force 10 hurricane. We still battle her agressiveness and her colic. She's an easy baby to love, but thanks to the horrific screaming, she's not the easiest baby to like.
Sometimes though she curls up on your chest. She looks at you with her absolutely enormous eyes, and her expression says Please Mommy. Don't give up on me yet. And I kiss her wrinkled forehead and tell her that I will give her chance after chance after chance.
But maybe we're getting better. We spent the weekend with the babies, and had a good time actually. We drove to East Grinstead to take the babies to see Angus' mother. We then stopped in at his brothers'. We had to leave their house early as Nora started into a real tear, but overall it was a good day. And yesterday we drove down to Somerset to a home and renovations exposition. Angus had Nick in the Baby Bjorn and I had Nora in the sling, and Angus was literally stopped every few minutes as people cooed over the visible Nick (Nora was hidden more in the sling). We drove home and laughed and talked and the babies snoozed.
And when Angus stopped in a town to buy us some lunch yesterday he came out with presents for the babies. They are the first gifts he has bought them and I absolutely loved them. We had a good weekend, the two of us. The four of us, actually (apart from several screaming episodes, of course).
Sobering talks were had last week. Maybe they were the kick in the ass that we needed.
I've left every relationship I've ever had without so much as leaving a twenty on the nightstand. But I've packed my running shoes. If I'm not supposed to be with Angus, I'm not supposed to be with anyone. I'm not giving up.
Neither is Angus.
X (me) + (Y*2twins)/W (Angus changing nappies while handling the changes life has thrown our way) + X unable to help him/W bought presents for the babies*Nora's screaming is killing us + Travolta and Newton John singing "You're the One That I Want" = I don't even know anymore. Want some Ramen for lunch?
-H.
PS-J.M. and Lisa both mentioned Elf. As a matter of fact, the day after Thanksgiving I popped that DVD in the player. I've watched the film now. Twice. And no signs of me stopping yet.
1
Good on and for you, Angus, Nick, Nora and your nathmatic skills.
Posted by: Charles at November 26, 2007 11:40 AM (kl+xy)
2
I've been worried about you the last few days and just wanted to send you lots of love and hugs.
I'm afraid I've got no advice except to say hang in there!
Keep smiling, as my granny used to say!
Posted by: Suzie at November 26, 2007 12:17 PM (weSjv)
3
So glad you are ok, I've been checking in to see how you are.
I have had the same thoughts, about my other half wanting to do IVF but not actually thinking about the implications if it works. I guess its the reality that comes with an older man that has children and didnt want any more. I'm right with ya girl.
Posted by: Becks at November 26, 2007 12:17 PM (8oiaV)
4
Math was never my strong suit. Some of what you said hit home for me.
Families are hard work. You do the best you can. In the end, that's all you can really do, right?
Posted by: ~Easy at November 26, 2007 12:19 PM (WdRDV)
5
I thought of you so much this weekend. We went to my aunt's, whose daughter (my cousin) has 4 month old twin boys (via IVF). It was the first time I met them and they are adorable. Were very tiny at birth (2 1/2 lbs each) but are around 9 1/2 lbs now and doing much better. One is easy, like Nick and the other has more challenges, like Nora.
BUT what I noticed is this: They have arranged their life this way. My aunt goes there S/M/T/W, sleeps over, helps with the nighttime feedings and to keep things moving during the day, Th/F the other daughter comes over to spend the day and help. Plus she has someone she has hired just to be an extra pair of hands to help as needed. And WITH all this help, my cousin and her husband (who is a Brit, btw) both looked pale, drained and totally exhausted. She talked at length (in answer to my questions) about how difficult it is, the sleep deprivation, the scheduling challenges. And that is WITH all that extra help! She said that everyone who has had twins has told her that the first six months are a blur, that you are not really yourself, you are just in survival mode, and that you don't even remember it afterwards.
So please don't do anything rash right now, or anything even remotely final. PLEASE consider getting some (paid) help in - even a day or two/week to clean/straighten the house and take that pressure off you.
I think that Angus is (in part) afraid that the present chaos may be permanent, and if he came home a few days/week to a clean(er) house and a more relaxed you, it might give him hope and confidence for the future (which will, of course, be much calmer and better, even if you can't see it right now). The cost of a few hours of household help twice/week is a BARGAIN compared to the boost it may well bring. At least consider it.
My cousin looked me straight in the eye and said "This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done" and this from a 36 year old very successful business woman who has traveled the world extensively and accomplished all kinds of things.
So please have mercy on yourselves - get some help for a few months. By then, the babies will be sleeping better, Nora's digestion will have matured and settled down, and life will become more predictable and manageable.
You are going to make it. You just can't be superwoman. This is just too big. Good luck.
Posted by: Amy at November 26, 2007 12:48 PM (I9LMv)
6
I've also been thinking of you alot lately too and wondering how the storm was passing.
Math is hard, relationships are harder . Throw a newborn kid (or kids, in your case) into the mix...and that's an awful lot of difficult to handle (I think anyone who claims otherwise is frankly lying or has found out about some secret recipe that I clearly lack in my cookbook)...I'm rooting for all 4 of you! And please know that I'm thinking of you from accross the pond.
Posted by: wn at November 26, 2007 01:01 PM (zh/oU)
7
Intrepid. Adventurers who for the for the joy ahead climb the mountain. And to do it with math? Now THAT's a skill.
Keep going. It may not have felt like it lately but you guys are giant killers. I'm sure of it.
Posted by: deeleea at November 26, 2007 01:08 PM (IphB3)
8
hugs to you
that's all I have to offer
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at November 26, 2007 01:44 PM (+MvHD)
9
Remember that you can do this.
No matter how hard it seems now, it is not forever and frankly, you've done things that you will look back on as harder than what you're doing now. (That parses, doesn't it?)
Much love to you and your family. You'll get better. I promise.
Posted by: B. Durbin at November 26, 2007 01:56 PM (tie24)
10
I'm with Amy; try not to do anything rash or permanent in the 1st 6 months. Things will continually improve. The colic will diminish and disappear, they'll start to smile in response to you, they'll sleep through the night, they'll roll over, they'll sit up,.... It just keeps getting better. I know it's hard for both of you, but as my favorite comedian says, "Hard is good," because it builds character, bonds, and forges one's resolve.
As the old song says, "Everyone wants to get to heaven, but nobody wants to die." In other words, we all want the good stuff without the hard stuff that's usually required to get us there. It may be asking too much to ENJOY the hard times (then again, maybe not), but at least endure it, persevere, and enjoy the fun times as they inevitably will come.
Posted by: Solomon at November 26, 2007 02:01 PM (x+GoF)
11
You're remarkable to be able to see Angus's point of view, Helen. To your equation add T for time, which will change everything. My husband didn't want a second baby, wouldn't even hold her. She is now his favorite person on earth.
Posted by: Karen at November 26, 2007 02:16 PM (39Ops)
12
I am so proud of you and very glad to hear you and Angus had a good weekend; I've been thinking about you and wondering how things were going.
I don't often tell people this for all the reasons you mentioned, but I am particularly proud of and yet challenged by the behaviors of my youngest child, for whom I literally begged to conceive. Promised I'd be the one to change him, walk him, feed him, and deal with his crap if I could just have another baby before the I got too old. He didn't think much of the little lump who cried and woke him up (he worked nights), and I felt like my life would never be the same again. He would hold him, but they didn't really bond until much later - I could safely say that G was at least a year old before that happened. I still occasionally think that he thinks we'd be better off if we hadn't had another kid (we were SUCH pros with our first child; he was such an easy going baby and sweet toddler), and that tears me up inside because I can't imagine my life without my youngest baby (who is now NINE, I may have mentioned). And who now makes us laugh every day, sees things in such an unusual way and has such a great analytical brain that I think if he ever stops getting into mischief he will surely become a brain surgeon, rocket scientist, or the inventor of the Internet 3000 someday. Time truly does change everything, thank goodness.
You're not alone. I know you know you're not alone, but I thought it bears mentioning again. Oh, and Amy nailed it about the first six months being sheer hell that you don't even remember clearly afterwards, and that it does pass. Honest. Even with just one I felt that way, but it makes sense that the feeling is compounded by having any number of multiples. I'm sure it would be a drain on an already-tight budget to have someone in to clean but the value for money will likely prove excellent in the long run.
I am glad to see this post from you today; I've been worried along with everyone else. And last but not least... Yay for Elf!!
Posted by: Lisa at November 26, 2007 02:45 PM (EcHBm)
13
I've been thinking about you a lot. I have no experience/wisdom to impart, just writing to say that I'm supporting you every step of the way.
Posted by: BeachGirl at November 26, 2007 03:49 PM (RgeoX)
Posted by: Ms. Pants at November 26, 2007 03:49 PM (+p4Zf)
15
I'm so glad to hear that you guys had a good weekend together. Sometimes that's just what you need to reconnect a bit. I agree that if it's AT ALL possible, please get some domestic help in. It really helps your state of mind to have the bathrooms scrubbed and the bookshelves dusted for you even if it's only every other week or so.
Posted by: donna at November 26, 2007 03:55 PM (Kco5r)
16
I was so glad to see your post this morning. I was worried about you. I agree with everyone's advice about not making any rash decisions right now. I really believe in my heart that things will all sort themselves out.
My daughter was colicky as an infant too. It was so stressfull, listening to her scream and cry for hours at a time. I loved her immensely but the screaming made me want to scream in return. Like that was going to help. It's very frustrating but fortunately, it will come to an end. The colic will go away and things will eventually settle out.
Posted by: Trainy at November 26, 2007 04:30 PM (cB/4p)
17
Your title reminds me of a cartoon made from a bunch of clip art someone put together and called, "Diversity in the Workplace". One of the women figures has her head tilted as her male co-worker seems to be explaining something to her at the meeting. The "bubble" above her head is saying "math is hard". The rest of the cartoon is just as horribly offensive to everyone else in similar bigoted ways.
It also makes me laugh really hard every time I see it. Because I'm twisted that way, I guess. Even though I fit the stereotype, much to my vexation. I suck at math, I truly do. Gah.
And I'm blond to boot.
Still funny. Well, to me anyway. If I can't laugh at my own stereotype, why then, I have no business laughing at anyone's else's either.
I'm also glad you posted. I also thought about you and your family over the last few days and hoped things were better. And I like to run away too when faced with difficult emotional situations; ask my husband! lol The first time I ran out of the house during an intense argument, he was shocked to his core! I don't do that anymore; now I just go to another room and wait until I begin to miss him instead of wanting to strangle him. Much better than having the drive all the way back again. Although there is a lot to be said for arguments via cell phones; taking away the physical tension is helpful. Hmmm...maybe go into separate rooms, then talk on your cells?
Yes it
sounds silly but you don't have to tell anyone! (Except us, of course!)
Posted by: The other Amber at November 26, 2007 05:03 PM (zQE5D)
18
"It was my understanding that there would be no math."
I'm well aquainted with the stress that one baby adds. Actually, I understand the multiple child issue as #2 was born when #1 was 22 months old. Interesting dynamic, that. Anyway, the first 1-2 months were the hardest for us. Lack of sleep and crying fits finally rubbed our nerves pretty raw. It was a little too easy to be cranky. Really, really cranky. Anyway, we both avoided saying insanely mean things that (a) we wouldn't actually mean and (b) we could never take back. Once we got over the hump, things got better. Especially around 2 months or so when someone watched our son for a few hours while the two of us went out to dinner. Alone. That was really an important lesson for me. Regardless of how much you love your children, you need to remind yourself often that the two of you exist as an entity outside of parenthood. And you need to remind yourself of that fact. Often.
But I've got no doubts about you. You seem to be figuring out things just fine on your own.
Posted by: physics geek at November 26, 2007 05:18 PM (MT22W)
19
Ugh. Twins are really hard. And I know that really wasn't the original outcome you guys wanted. Not that for one second it takes away the love you feel for them, but I know Angus didn't want twins. And I'm sure he loves to them to pieces, but like you said, on a daily basis it's HARD. I WANTED twins. I was HOPING for them. So was my husband. And there are days, man, well, I would like to turn back that calendar. I would love to go back to just me and him and our sweet freedom. And he has days were he fells like that. And sometimes its the same days, and sometimes it's not.
I have no advice. Every relationship is different. And having twins changes everything. But you both love each other, and you both love your kids, and for all of those reasons, you will find a way to get through the tough times. Always thinking of you all!
Posted by: Erica at November 26, 2007 05:29 PM (UGW6Y)
20
That post made my heart ache for you.
Sending you a big tight virtual <<>>.
Posted by: Heidi at November 26, 2007 05:41 PM (i9+oC)
21
Elf was on USA all weekend. I made my family watch it two and a half times. (sorry, had to wiggle some bright green play-doh out of it's container and tell the dog NOT to eat it.)
I really suck at math (algebra specifically) and so the equations made my mind explode just a bit. Sometimes it takes one of those scary talk to get things in perspective and light a fire under your asses.
Life is going to throw you every curve ball it can and as long as you're both in it for the long haul, then it will all some how sort itself out. It has to, right?
Posted by: Michele at November 26, 2007 06:29 PM (h1vml)
22
yay! for a good weekend. I'm glad you got out for a bit and I am very glad to hear Elf is back on the rotation.
Posted by: caltechgirl at November 26, 2007 06:29 PM (/vgMZ)
23
With four kids, one at a time, it was horrific and stressful and wonderful and miraculous. I can't imagine double it all - at once. My heart has been with you all ... just keep hanging in there. In the midst of it all you'll figure out it is too wonderful to miss, even the bad.
Posted by: sue at November 26, 2007 06:47 PM (WbfZD)
24
Becoming a father is a huge decision. This wasn't an 'accident' or a trap. He agreed to the IVF and now there are two babies that deserve to be loved wholeheartedly, as much as one can when dealing with those difficult first months. Sure there will be negative feelings but outright hostility is uncalled for. If he's mad at himself for agreeing to fatherhood, he shouldn't take it out on you or the babies. There's really not much point in those emotions as the babies are here to stay. It's not like he gets a free pass to be an ass just because he gave you a clue beforehand that he didn't really want more children. Once he filled that cup, he gave up the right to throw parenthood back in your face.
You should both seriously consider leaving because once you do that hopefully you'll both see that it's not a solution and will only lead to more problems. I'm glad things are looking up but I hate the thought of you walking on eggshells waiting for him to be unhappy again. Whatever happens, don't let his feelings affect your feelings about the babies.
Good luck. It does get better. Do you know that these little munchkins actually start sleeping through the night eventually? Yes, it's true. Hopefully it will happen earlier for you than it did for me.
Posted by: paula at November 26, 2007 06:58 PM (jh9Oj)
25
Helen luv...
Love is an art not a science..
Its like a Bonsai Tree... It grows and turns.. and you gently work on it. Sometimes it doesn't look quite right.. but you keep working at it.. and you will end up with something to marvel at.
Look at it this way... Angus could have 3 children.. and you could have had triplets... and the next thing you know you'd have a housekeeper named Alice and we'd all be chanting the Bradey Bunch song at you.
"Here's the story ...."
Posted by: LarryConley at November 26, 2007 08:08 PM (h5hqy)
26
I wish I could say something profound, but alas-I can't.
Love you.
Posted by: Teresa at November 26, 2007 08:22 PM (9RzTI)
27
Good to read you, I thought of you all over the weekend. Don't want to give assvice, but try to get some rest, even if it means to nap when they nap. You won't spoil them, promise. But you certainly have to gather some strength, and have to grab it where you can. If you are exhausted, everything is so much more overwhelming.
I admire your courage to stay and to struggle- it's so much harder than to leave.
I would like to come over to spend some time helping you, doing the dishes and the laundry- but I am in fact on the continent, much too far away.
It will get better. Day by day.
Good luck.
Lily
Posted by: Lily at November 26, 2007 09:20 PM (m5zYs)
28
Good to see that you & Angus were able to come to some sort of a truce over the weekend. Quite frankly, your last post worried me, as it apparently did others here too.
You're dead on about your evaluation of the men's side of things. Too often we're just expected to suck it up and deal with whatever life gives us, whether we are able to or not. But some of us are just less up to the task than others. And you better believe it, men get depressed too. Except we don't come out and talk about it, less we lose our manly self image (ha). And it's doubly hard in situations where the RIGHT thing, the ONLY thing to do is suck up, put a smile on our face, and deal with it. That's where some of us seriously weak ones end up covering our problems in booze or drugs, or just become assholes to the ones we love. Because as a rule, we don't talk about our personal demons, we just cover them up. Unless we're fortunate enough to have an absolute best buddy to whom we can share our truest feelings with (I do, across the country). Such close male friendships are rare, though. That's why I sometimes like to directly ask the man in the deal how he's holding up, and not just for a standard "everything's okay" answer. My wife & I recently inquired in such a way of a friend whose wife just lost their unborn baby of eight months, and I asked Jim Peacock very directly how he was holding up. (Which reminds me, need to drop him a note and ask him again). We mustn't forget the guys have weak moments too and may not be able to handle the loads they are expected to. Lord knows, I have those days quite often.
Enough of my rambling. My sincere hopes that the twins will continue to do well, and you & Angus will improve things and not make any rash decisions that will hurt all of you. And letting you know you have friends here that not only hear you, but listen.
Posted by: diamond dave at November 26, 2007 09:54 PM (1TyJ1)
29
I watched Elf this weekend and thought of you
Posted by: geeky at November 26, 2007 09:56 PM (RX+qr)
30
Funny thing, new studies show that new dads are at as much risk for PPD as new mums. Just thought you'd like to know that yes, it can and does happen.
Internet hugs for you.
Posted by: Veronica at November 26, 2007 10:46 PM (VJmIq)
31
You are so good...thanks for explaining to me all that happened a long while ago...I still have not been able to put it to words!!
Posted by: Steff at November 26, 2007 11:48 PM (xjmcr)
32
You certainly are a true realist. I admire you very much. You have a lot of insight and good sense and you are a brave woman. I wish you lots of good luck and lots of love for you and Angus and the babies. Cheerio!
Posted by: Irene at November 27, 2007 02:26 AM (RL+iu)
33
I am so glad to hear you had a great weekend and I hope things continue to get better and better you have been thru sooooo much. Take care!
Posted by: Cheryl at November 27, 2007 08:27 AM (n3lCA)
34
Huge internet hugs. Hang in there - and keep the lines of communication open. I'm in awe of you.
Posted by: joy at November 27, 2007 09:40 PM (KllT5)
35
Many men do not connect to babies. I don't want to generalize and say all... but the baby thing is a woman thing. Men connect more when they can actually PLAY with the kids... sports, games, interactive and reactive things.
Every time I had a baby, my husband would kind of roll his eyes as I'd carry on about how much I love babies. He is a FANTASTIC father and was very very good with our babies, but he thinks babies are a pain in the ass. He'd just as soon not travel that route and go ahead and receive them around age 2 or 3... better yet at age 5.
Posted by: Bou at November 28, 2007 01:14 AM (fGpp7)
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