After coming home from holiday in January, Angus and I both joined a local gym. We'd had a winer of indulgence really, and both of us had gained weight. Between the incredible food, the alcohol, and the sheer fact that the Holiday Season is inclined to add inches to your waist no matter how good you resolve to be, we needed to get fit.

We've given ourselves strict rules about exercise, food, and alcohol. No "bad for you" foods during the week, and on the weekends we aim to be good but do allow ourselves a few indulgences (mostly related to cheese, because everything in life is related to cheese). Week days-with the exception of a holiday, like Valentine's Day or a birthday - are not for alcohol. Alcohol is a Friday - Sunday evening event only.

So far something is working-we've both lost weight, and even though Angus' total weight loss isn't massive his body is definitely changing shape and people are commenting to him about it often. He wants to get down to a weight I don't approve of - I don't care for skinny men, much like he doesn't care for skinny women, we both like curves - but we all have goals, and his is to be happier with himself.

The gym gets visited a lot. Angus tries to go 5 - 6 times a week, and he's there for over an hour as he works on weights and gives himself the minimum target of burning 1,000 calories on the cross-trainer.

I'm not on the same level as him, mostly because I fucking hate the cross-trainer. I went to a few yoga classes there, but found that it just didn't have the enjoyable feeling that my other yoga class had. While my previous class had itself a fucking annoying Reena, it also had a camraderie of women like me-average, ordinary, everyday women that just like to bend and stretch. Yoga in my new gym is like some kind of reality TV show, where the yoga contestants try to see who will pass out first in a headstand and vote off the one who can't get their knees flat on the floor in Lotus (luckily I can do that, but I can't do a headstand to save my life, so that'd be me voted off then.)

Instead I've found myself in the swimming pool. I go at least three times a week and just do lap after lap after lap. I don't really vary my routine that much-laps of sidestrokes, laps of backstrokes, and laps using the kickboard to work my legs out. I know it seems unoriginal and even uninteresting, but I get a lot out of my swimming time. I go often enough that my two year-old swimsuit is beginning to wear out in the straps, and so I have to face swimsuit shopping today, lest I show a little more in my breaststroke than I'd intended.

This week I've only been twice (although I'll go on the weekend, too), but I've really treasured the time I've been there. Today the pool wasn't busy, and I was able to do laps in peace without worrying that the next chap was about to catch up with me. The pool is on the ground floor and one whole side of the wall is glass, so that you have a straight view out into the woods. The sun is shining, the pool is always a perfect temperature, and I just laid on my back, slowly backstroking, and closed my eyes from the brightness of the sun.

And when I swim, I think.

Sometimes I think about my past-my 33rd birthday is a little over 2 weeks away but I often feel so old, like I've been through enough to just say Right. This is me telling you, God, that I'd like to cruise for a while now. I've really put in my time, man. Let's dial it down a bit now, ok?

Sometimes I think about my present-job-wise things are very calm. My managers chose to give me quiet projects to let me emotionally and psychologically recover from the last project, which really did me in. I sometimes feel ready to take on a new, harder project, but at the same time I think cruising right now - something that, with the exception of the 3 months I didn't work when I was laid off, I have never done - might be ok. I've been working my ass off since I started working in the corporate world 11 years ago. A few months of a break can be a good thing.

Sometimes I think about my future. I don't know what to think about there. I work on being positive. It doesn't always work, but I try.

Stroke, stroke, stroke I swim in the pool. You can only be as strong as you think you are. Yes, I am strong, and I'm not boastful in saying this. Actually it makes me feel sad - I'm strong because I've had to be. I'm strong because the majority my life there was no one there to catch me but me. It's not a choice and I try not to think that strength is a limited commodity.

Because it's not. Strength is an infinite pool. You float in in and wade in it, and even when you think you're out of it, you find that you're simply at the end of the wall, it's time to turn around and keep swimming. Even when everything is so fucking hard you can't see how it can get harder, you can get through it.

Stroke, stroke, stroke....Can I get through this?

There is no other choice but to get through it.

The choice you have to make is if you want to get through it and be happy. The end of the journey might look nothing like the start of it, but there's no reason to think that what I find at the end can't be extraordinary. Different, yes. Trying, definitely. But the trick isn't to survive.

It's to thrive.

And I keep swimming, and keep trying to picture that.

-H.

PS - Private aside to L - I love you and you're in my thoughts. My mails to your work address get bounced, so I'm sending them to your hotmail, and I am here for you, no matter what. I will understand if you can't talk about it, especially now. Please know that I'm thinking of you.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:56 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 1094 words, total size 6 kb.

1 That reminds me of Dory's song in Finding Nemo... "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." (Not quite the same without the tune) Stupid I know. I hope everything will turn out well for you.

Posted by: Gill at March 16, 2007 12:46 PM (uDpoc)

2 I'm glad you find peace in swimming laps in the pool. Depending on how busy it is, it can almost be hypnotic. Take care, Helen.

Posted by: amelia at March 16, 2007 12:56 PM (m+C+k)

3 This is a beautiful post.

Posted by: Anna O. at March 16, 2007 02:29 PM (60/Yz)

4 I love the water... won't look at it quite the same way again, tho'. Thanks... I needed that today.

Posted by: sue at March 16, 2007 02:37 PM (WbfZD)

5 I love your perspective on things Helen. I needed that post as well. As I've told you, I've had a rough year also. Sometimes we get so focused on making it through, that we forget that making it through with a good healthy outlook IS the objective. HUGS Helen......... THanks

Posted by: Terry at March 16, 2007 03:09 PM (YadGF)

6 As you have your swimming I have my running. I get the same sort of peace running on the beautiful trails where I live and letting my mind do the thinking it seems to need to do while not being directed by outside influences.

Posted by: Kat at March 16, 2007 03:16 PM (4g1jr)

7 That was a nice way to end the week. Thank you.

Posted by: Teresa at March 16, 2007 03:22 PM (hUVV1)

8 I miss swimming. I used to do competitive year round swimming when I was younger, and it was the best shape I've ever been in. My thoughts were clear and I found it relaxing - even when I was pounding the water trying to beat the next lane to the finish. The smell of chlorine is soothing to me. I used to date a swimmer in high school, and when I was stressed I'd lick his arm and smell the residual chlorine, which may seem weird, but it always calmed me down. I hate that my gym doesn't have a pool.

Posted by: amy t. at March 16, 2007 04:20 PM (fm3Rv)

9 Laps can put you in the "zone". I am impressed with what you are doing at the gym. You cannot help but change for the better, both mentally and physically.

Posted by: kenju at March 16, 2007 07:02 PM (L8e9z)

10 And the Magnificent Amy just came in at comment number 15,000. Thanks

Posted by: Helen at March 16, 2007 11:42 PM (aruIm)

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