So we're a bit....um...liberal when it comes to the mechanics involving sex. I don't mean we march around naked (although he's prone to) and I don't mean liberal as in us walking around carrying signs saying "Trotsky simply wasn't committed enough...and blow jobs are life, comrade!"

No, I mean we have always had a very honest, open approach to sex and issues surrounding sex in our household. Maybe it's because of how our relationship evolved, i.e. it was already naughty, let's just throw the rest of the naughty in, too. Maybe it's because we've both been burned and we've both had horrifically bad lovers in the past (this is not a go at his ex-wife or my ex-husband, either. We have had others. Suffice to say neither of us were virgins when we married.) Or perhaps it's simply because we both agree that with each other we are the best sexual compadres in the whole wide world, ever, and as such we can open up the cans of worms (don't take it personally. I'm not insulting your sexual performance. I'm sure you do a great job hanging ten in the double bed.)

Did you ever watch Sex and the City? I confess that I actually did watch it, not because I found what they had going on in their lives remotely relevant to my life in any way, shape or form (prior to the show I thought "Manolo Blahniks" was likely a Sicilian sausage product), but because their one-liners were wicked. They were hideously fast and I'm not that quick on my feet. I think of one-liners hours afterwards, when I'm either on the train home or snug in my bed, and although I get to punch the air with the sudden inspiration of my retort it's pretty meaningless.

Angus and I tend to have discussions along the same lines that Sex and the City did, or at least we do when it comes to sex (I haven't spent $40,000 on shoes. The idea isn't even tempting, and I do love me some shoes.) There's nothing that's against the rules in terms of discussing. There's also nothing against the rules in terms of activities, but that's a different discussion. We don't talk about sex constantly but it does come up, and when it does it's generally in a very matter of fact way.

One of the things which I think sets us apart is the area of fantasies. As in: We have them. I think fantasizing is a very, very taboo subject in most relationships. Fantasies lead to problems. If you dream about someone/something, then it opens the door to questions like: "Am I not enough?", "Why would you think about someone else?", or the worst: "Do I not satisfy you?"

Oh you do, darling, you do. I'd just rather think of John Cusack taking me roughly in a dark alley while we wonder if we will find the nuclear bomb in time to defuse it, thereby saving all of mankind.

Every partner I've ever had has asked me that magical question-What do you fantastize about?

I learnt early on that the correct response is: You, baby. I fantasize about you.

I learnt this the hard way. One evening while having a session with an ex who I'll call the Bunny Humper (I'm sure you can work out why it is I called him that), he asked me that loaded question - What do you fantastize about?

Caught up in the moment, I thought about it before deciding that this would be the moment I came clean. Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, and Carrie Bradshaw would thank me (Redbook wouldn't, they're a bit conservative for this kind of thing). I decided to come clean with one of my fantasies. "Sometimes, I fantasize about a threesome," I answer.

"...Oh. With people you know?"

"Oh yes."

"Am I there?"

"No."

"So...who's it with?" came the query.

Had I been remotely keyed in and not enjoying the moment of my little fantasy, I might have noticed his pace was now off. Perhaps I would have heard the strained sound in his voice. But since I had the emotional receptivity of a Muppet at that moment, I caught neither. And so I did the unthinkable. I named names. And I even took it a step further...I named the folk and told the Bunny Humper that I thought about them when I had myself a magical play session for one.

In other words, I took his loaded question and I blew our sex life right out of our skulls.

We didn't last long after that.

I had crossed many lines there, you see. Not only did I admit I have fantasies, but I admitted they weren't always about my partner (as far as the Bunny Humper goes, the fantasies were actually never about him.) The real nail in the coffin was that I had a solitary romp in the hay that he didn't know about.

Let's examine.

Fantasies, I think, may imply to people that their partner isn't getting enough out of the bed bouncing. I think a lot of people see this as "What I'm not doing/can't give them/not interested in". But to me a fantasy is just that-something made up. Am I ever going to get John Cusack taking me passionately in an alleyway? No, and maybe that's ok because rumor has it he did Britney Spears and I'm not really interested in going on prophylactic antibiotics just because. I have other fantasies, too, generally involving some element of danger (and I confess an occasional fleeting fantasy that I am Leeloo to Bruce Willis' Corbin in that final scene of The Fifth Element, where they're having sex in that glass box. They had just saved the world, you know. I'm pretty sure that kind of thing gives people stiffies.) Perhaps I fantasize because life can be a bit same-y. Maybe I have those fantasies for the adrenaline. Maybe I have them because danger implies a lack of control, and in a fantasy a lack of control is ok, whereas in real life it's not.

One evening early on in our relationship Angus went out on a limb and told me one of his fantasies.

Instead of feeling upset that I wasn't enough, I found it highly erotic.

In turn I told him one of mine.

We still do this. From time to time we're able to make the other person's fantasy come true. If we're not, that's cool.

And if he tells me a fantasy that doesn't involve me, that's cool, too.

Even weirder is if he names a woman he's fantasizing about. Say he's hot for Susan Lucci (he's not, and I don't think he even knows who she is). He could tell me, describe his fantasy, and I would find it perfectly ok that he's fantasizing about someone else (even La Lucci, who's old enough to be his grandmother.)

The truth is, I don't buy that people only fantasize about their partners. It's not a sign of not loving them enough, of not fancying them. The whole point of a fantasy is that it's something that you don't have in your life and probably will never have. That's the reason for whittling away hours making fantasies up. Angus has me, so he should feel free to occasionally hotly dream about someone else. I can see there's a fine line between "occasional fantasy" and "problem", but we haven't hit that point yet, and I don't think we will.

Which leads me to the other taboo-in a lot of relationships, I think it's not ok to take matters into your own hands, so to speak. No spanking the monkey. No punching the clown. Buffing the weasel is not kosher. Paddling the pink canoe is off limits.

And I do actually know people that say they never rub the unicorn horn. I don't buy that, I don't see how you can go through life without shaking hands with the unemployed, I think it's impossible.

(I'll stop with the masturbation slang terms now.)

(OK, just one more, because it made me laugh-dropping stomach pancakes.)

(Sorry. Done now.)

And that's the other area in our love life where we're perfectly honest-we don't mind at all if the other person needs a bit of self-relief. Sometimes you have 5 minutes, the other person isn't home/is walking the dog/is mowing the lawn and frankly, you feel like a bit of relief will make the moment. So have at it. We don't generally tell each other when we've done so, but we're not hiding anything, either.

I approached Angus this morning as he was coming down the stairs. "Would you like to have a bit of action later?" I ask, peering in to the open pocket crotch of his boxer shorts. What? It was eye level, I had to check it out.

"Absolutely. I've been saving up all week," he replied.

I've had a horrific cold all week, complete with runny nose, sneezing, and coughs that a 60 year-old 10 pack-a-day smoker would envy. Sex has been off the menu, as my only real objective this week is to breathe my way through my mucus.

"All week? So you haven't played with yourself at all?" I ask, surprised.

"Nope," he replied. "But I don't think it's unusual for chaps to go for a week without any."

"I do. I can't imagine most people go that long without a release," I comment.

"They probably do," he said.

"I doubt it. I think in most relationships, people aren't ok with their partners masturbating. I think they probably do it anyway, but I bet that it's not considered ok."

"I imagine it probably is. You can't be doing it all the time, and some people have high sex drives."

So I offer it to you-how common is it to masturbate when you're in a relationship?

And if you're in a relationship, would you be angry if your partner did masturbate?

(Consider this fact finding. Enquiring minds want to know.)

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:53 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
Post contains 1690 words, total size 9 kb.

1 -how common is it to masturbate when you're in a relationship? As common as breathing -And if you're in a relationship, would you be angry if your partner did masturbate? Not even for a second

Posted by: ~Easy at May 25, 2007 11:26 AM (X+de8)

2 Well.. as it's for fact finding... I always felt guilty, and wondered why I did.

Posted by: Hannah at May 25, 2007 11:47 AM (5w+E2)

3 ah...fantasises... I'm ok with them if it's someone unlikely, like Fergie or Heather locklear, but then name one of my close chick-friends... and then I don't like this game. Hey I'm a fan of Paul Walker and Gavin Rosdale but I wouldn't be ok with thinking of his best mate... As for the solo flights.... not so much an open discussion. I don't partake in the self serve, and if he is, I don't so much want to know about it. But listen, I had better be taken care of before he's running his singles match.

Posted by: Angela at May 25, 2007 11:53 AM (DGWM7)

4 Fantasies are open season at our house; we can take from them to make our own sessions better, or simply enjoy them for what they are... fun daydreaming. Masturbation is... like Easy said: common as breathing. Neither my hubby nor myself would be angry if the other took a breath. On the whole, our sex life sounds much like yours, which should give you hope: I'm about to be 50 and hubby 61. Frequency suffers with age, but the fun is still there to be had...

Posted by: pam at May 25, 2007 12:10 PM (l6NIn)

5 Never angry about masturbation-in fact it turns me on. Of course, if it was perferred over a shared session, I might have a problem with it. In general, hubby likes to 'save it up' if it is only a few days, maybe a week, in between. I, however, can not. If I need a bit of action, I like it right away. And hubby is totally cool with that.

Posted by: Teresa at May 25, 2007 12:35 PM (Bzl/Z)

6 I think it all depends on two things...a person's honesty as it relates to sex...and their libido. I've been with some men whose libidos JUST weren't that strong....now my husband, on the other hand, has the libido of a 19 year old...(and he's not 19)...masturbating to him...is like breathing... He's horny, I'm not around...why not? I do the same (albeit less often). It's one of the things I've found refreshing about this relationship....sexual urges CAN and DO exist outside of one another. We've even gone so far as to "help one another out". Some people might find that strange....but I'm not so naive as to think that he'd NOT do it...just because it bothered me....and if he wasn't doing it...he'd probably be thinking about it....so why not be part of it? Letting go of those pre-conceived notions about sex (what is normal, what isn't), masturbation (what is right, what is wrong)...has been a real turning point for me as an adult. I would now never EVER go back.

Posted by: wn at May 25, 2007 01:32 PM (SRiVw)

7 I'll second Easy's comments.

Posted by: sue at May 25, 2007 01:36 PM (WbfZD)

8 The Super Model Mrs. Solomon and I have had discussions about this topic. See, Solomon's not as big a prude as y'all thought. We both think it's unacceptable (ok, maybe he IS as big a prude as you thought) for multiple reasons. The primary is religious (impure thoughts and all that), but a secondary is that it can cause guys to be too quick. However, Solomon never said he was perfect and messes up in this area periodically. Especially now that the Super Model is 8 months pregnant and is NEVER "in the mood". I know hearing about someone unintentionally getting pregnant while you're trying to get pregnant can be frustrating, so I haven't mentioned it before now. But now that you're months along in your pregnancy, I figured it'd be ok. We're expecting at the end of June, but the Super Model has already had a few contractions. I imagine Solomon will be back in the land of the sleepless within 2 weeks.

Posted by: Solomon at May 25, 2007 01:49 PM (al5Ou)

9 You are too funny, I loved this post and good for you guys, that rocks! 1. I do on a nearly daily basis, I am sure hubby does too he just does not speak of it. 2. I would not be angry at all, I am with you on that one.

Posted by: Cheryl at May 25, 2007 02:19 PM (msF2q)

10 If the ratio of masturbation is greater than the ratio of sex in a relationship - I would have a problem with it. Otherwise, go for it! Fantasies tend to be tricky ground. You can't admit to having sexual thoughts about your other half's friends even though you might have. Celebrities tend to be A-OK though. My husband and I have had these conversations quite a bit over the past few months. Without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that infertility treatments have taken their toll in more ways than one. We often make up lists of celebrities that we have persmission to have sex with should the opportunity ever arise. Usually ends up with one of us naming some odd person and both of us laughing. Still trying to figure out how a guy's mind works. Impossible, I know.

Posted by: Michele at May 25, 2007 02:30 PM (fcaMV)

11 I'm copping out but I think it's just as Easy says. Although, to be perfectly honest about it, I don't feel very sexy since we've got the toddler running around. And both of us generally pass out at night, more than just "fall asleep." But we do still get our freak on. It's just less leisurely most of the time, now. Heh. And now for the important part: JOHN CUSACK DID BRITNEY SPEARS?!! Another fantasy of mine bites the dust. Ewww.

Posted by: Margi at May 25, 2007 03:19 PM (ZDJhb)

12 1) very common -- the difference between wanting sex and wanting to masturbate is like the difference between making a snack vs.a full course meal. Sometimes I don't feel like spending hours in the kitchen, if you catch my drift, but I need to have a nibble. 2)That doesn't bother me at all. Neither does the fantasy thing. I have a lot of fasntasies that I wouldn't even want to happen in real life. I don't think my husband has as active of an imagination as I do, but I think it's normal and even healthy to fantasize from time to time. That's great that you and Angus can be so honest about it. P.S. I'm a long time reader. Congrats on les bebes!

Posted by: S at May 25, 2007 03:20 PM (BgdYe)

13 S, you nailed it with the kitchen analogy. Perfect. And now I'm hungry. And like many others said, if masturbation was the preferred option over sex, there'd be a problem. Otherwise, have fun till the callouses come home. (Oh, and wn? We "help each other out" sometimes, too. Especially when we had fertility treatments ggoing on, sometimes sex isn't possible, so a little encouragement is all a person needs.)

Posted by: Helen at May 25, 2007 03:28 PM (KLMed)

14 A fantasy is just that...a FANTASY. Kinda like unicorns...they're a fantasy, you're never gonna see one, but it's nice to dream about them from time to time. Hubby and I both rub one off occasionally, albeit, we do it separately. I'm a minimum of once a week, him, I couldn't say, although I do know it's been a lot more in the past couple of months because my sex drive took a nose dive and he wasn't getting any AT ALL. Thank gawd I seem to have found my libido again.

Posted by: Lisa at May 25, 2007 04:32 PM (v3gg3)

15 1) It is common 2) I would only be bothered if self service inhibited sex with partner

Posted by: amelia at May 25, 2007 05:34 PM (L2+hh)

16 OH BOY! I LOVE this TOPIC! *rubs hands gleefully* Okay, first, I actually do fantasize only about Dan. Really, I'm not kidding. But he's a fantasy Dan; Dan the Hitchhiker, Dan the Rapist Dude, Dan the Kidnapper Guy and his two grown sons, who look just like Dan except they are a little shorter and a little less broad, but they all take turns with me...leseee, OH! And Dan the black guy. Who also looks just like Dan except he's black and Dan brings him along to "share" me for a six-pack of beer. What can I say? I'm CHEAP! ahahah And we share all our fantasies too. I can't tell you Dan's because those are for him to share, but I do know what they are. And he makes mine look pretty tame. I've never asked if he thinks only about me because I don't care, really. He looks at a lot of porn, though, so I'm assuming those women must show up sometimes, lol! And yes, we both masturbate, there are no restrictions. Sometimes I'd rather and I'm sure he would too. It's a different feeling than making love and I would miss it very much if I were unlucky enough to have a partner like a woman I know who demanded her new husband stop doing it. She said that his penis now belonged to HER and she was the only one who got to use it. O_o Yes, I think that's pretty mind-boggling too! Hooray for fantasies! Aren't they great fun?

Posted by: The other Amber at May 25, 2007 05:52 PM (zQE5D)

17 In order: Quite common, and I'd be puzzled if she didn't.

Posted by: Sigivald at May 25, 2007 07:20 PM (4JnZM)

18 Ok, I've resisted this topio as long as I can. Don't repeat this to anyone? Pretty please? Ok, here goes... I'm kinda with Solomon here - wife & I aren't keen on self-service in a normally sexually healthy relationship, yet I've been known to sin on occasion. Usually such occasions are when wife isn't immediately available and/or I just desire a quick snack rather than making a big mess and having to clean the whole kitchen, so to speak. Don't know if wife does such things, but she has stated she frowns upon the practice when there are willing partners available in the house. As far as fantasies go, we prefer to create & act out ours with each other (within reason). Example: the movie Basic Instinct (minus the ice pick). Damn that was good.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 25, 2007 09:20 PM (bOmph)

19 Fantasy is great! I would love to do Dr. Suresh from Heros. Masturbation is great too! Both hubby and I partake together and by ourselves. Nice post! grace

Posted by: grace at May 25, 2007 11:43 PM (SlJYu)

20 I think the ability to fantasize and masturbate in a relationship both come down to security. That said, I have no issue with either.

Posted by: Mia at May 26, 2007 01:23 AM (8yLzc)

21 Both my husband and I "snack" (good analogy!) semi-frequently. Hell, he gave me my vibrator as a gift. And it came with us on our honeymoon. He actively encourages any sort of enjoyment on my part. As for fantasies, I'm not opposed. I don't happen to partake much, but I'm not offended by the thought. Celebrities and random schmos just don't do it for me. Maybe I'm just not particularly creative, but I don't feel turned on imagining others. Except for one notable exception: Joe Lando (Sully from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman). H - O - T. Tells you something about my formative teenage years, yes?

Posted by: ZTZCheese at May 26, 2007 04:40 AM (2//TA)

22 Due to some physiological issues, I can't have orgasms from sex so masturbating is part of foreplay for us. Which is totally hot for us and no one feels badly about it. I still love sex though, and I partake as much as possible. Otherwise, I just don't really bother. For me it is a big production due to said physiological issues. My guys on the other hand tend to shake hands with themselves on a daily basis. It boggles me that some folks have a problem with it (no offense if you do, I Just Dont Get It). It's healthy! It makes for a happy prostate! I couldn't possibly keep up with them. My SO is a 3 times a day person. I don't know many people who could keep up with that. For me, fantasies involve a situation usually, not a person. I've never really been one to fantasize about people I don't know. It's weird, but hey, thats ok. I think it's healthy. So for me, if masturbation is more important than sex, then yes, it is bad news. If you need to fantasize all the time in order to get turned on, then yes it is bad news. Otherwise, have at it. Healthy sex is good sex!

Posted by: Dani at May 26, 2007 04:41 PM (CD1jr)

23 I have fantasized since I was old enough to know what sex was. My early imaginary romps feature me as one of Charlie's Angels, lol. (Not one of them, I was a new, 4th angel.) Now that I am single, fantasy is essential. Partners past have loved my fantasies, and loved even more the ones I made up and whispered during the horizontal tango to get them off. I am too smart to tell the ones that don't include them, lol. I have always snacked between meals, and I have no problem with my man doing likewise, as long as he saves some for me.

Posted by: Mallory at May 28, 2007 05:21 PM (RpmXp)

24 Well, I have a strange relationship, so while I think its totally normal to masturbate while in a relationship, I wouldn't say I'm the average...Its necessary in my relationship though. Sex is extremely painful for me. I've been in a relationship for 4 years now, and we've probably had sex 60 times total in that amount of time. So, obviously, there's a lot of self love goin' on in our house. And no, I'm relieved when he masturbates, because it takes the pressure off me to have sex.

Posted by: Heather at May 29, 2007 04:18 PM (s0rhn)

25 He lives 2 hours away from me for work and we only see each other on the weekends. I'd be angry if he didn't take care of business at least once during the week.

Posted by: Theresa at May 29, 2007 05:49 PM (x1Vbp)

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