Around about 15 years ago I had breast surgery. IÂ’m not remotely embarrassed about this, itÂ’s one of those things about me, like the fact that I am bendy and have lots of freckles. It just is.

It was hard being a chick in a body like that. I developed on the same scale as everyone else, only one day they stopped and I kept going. I used to be a lifeguard in Arlington at a place called Wet & Wild (I know. I know. As an adult I realize how hideous a name that was. ItÂ’s now called Six Flags Water Park or some such nonsense). Anyway, said water park provided us with red bathing suits, a la David Hasselhoff and Pammy. I remember day one of the lifeguard training-I walked out of the dressing room clad in my requisite red bathing suit. I joined the others.

And everyone stopped talking to look at me.

This isnÂ’t me being paranoid. It really happened. People stopped talking and checked out my rack. I know this because a friend asked me in a stage whisper if they were real or if IÂ’d gone a little mad on the Charmin stuffing.

They were real.

I had enormous knockers, man. Really big. They were so large I stuffed myself into a 38DD, because that was the biggest size that VictoriaÂ’s Secret had. ThereÂ’s no way I wouldnÂ’t wear VictoriaÂ’s Secret. I had a big set but I wasnÂ’t going the big girl route.

It was the day that I swung around to pet my cat and knocked him clear off the bed that I knew it was time the boobs had to go. I can still see it in slow motion, my mouth an “O” as the sheer momentum of my baps picked up speed, and as pi = 99 red balloons and things fall at 8m per second squared or some such relevant physics shit, my shoulders had stopped moving to face the cat but the rack went on to pass go and collect $200. The feline never knew what hit him (I do, it was purely mammary).

I went under the knife not long after that. Insurance picked up some (I truly was suffering back and shoulder damage from their sheer size, honestly) but the rest got paid out of pocket. I was hospitalized for three days with tubes slowly pulling out bloody oozy infection on either side. When I was finally allowed to unwrap and take a look, I was shocked-theyÂ’d told me IÂ’d look like Frankenstein, I just hadnÂ’t realized how Frankenstein-y theyÂ’d really be. To put it into scope for you, the basics are this-I lost the entire bottom two-thirds of both of my breasts. The nipples were cut off and re-sized (big breasts come with big headlights) and re-sewn on in the space that a nipple should roughly be. I was told that my nipples would never be sensitive again, but since they never really were to being with, I figured it was no big loss. I was told that I would never breastfeed as I had no mammary glands now, but that too was ok-breastfeeding makes me squick. The good news is, except for water weight, my breasts will likely always be the same size from the day of surgery on, and they will likely not sag, as the surgery helps prevent that. I will have strangely perky boobs until I die, the only 80 year-old in the home with a bouncy rack.

And I started to heal. First thing I did (after 6 weeks of wearing sports bras to help heal, of course) was dash to VictoriaÂ’s Secret. I bought tiny shelf bras, demi-bras, little things. I figured out what size I was and have been a B cup since then. The scars went from raised to flattened. They faded from angry red to pale pink to the quiet peach color they are today. I am proud of my rack, but I have to be honest-sometimes, I wish the surgeon had cut more off. Really. I never want to face the days of the big boob again-some women pull it off with stunning bravado, and I am so amazed by them. Me, I donÂ’t like people looking at me (ironic, seeing as I have a Flickr page), and my smaller breasts please me. To be honest, I donÂ’t even wear a bra unless IÂ’m going out of the house, as I find them uncomfortable.

You might me asking why IÂ’m telling you all this.

IÂ’m getting there.

For Christmas Angus bought me two gorgeous panty and bra sets. I loved them, they were perfectÂ…except the size. IÂ’d told him to get me 34B, but when I tried them on they were much too small. So I trooped to the shop today to exchange them. I got off the escalator into the land of Naughty (I love lingerie, I really do. I need to be more of a girly girl and get into matched sets more.) I walk up to an assistant and ask her if they still have this particular pattern (and here I show her the small set) and she leads me to them.

“What size are you looking for?” she asks.

“A 36B,” I reply.

She looks at me. “No,” she says firmly.

I startle. “What?”

She continues staring at me. “There’s no way you’re a 36B. We have a sizer in store, we’re going to sort you out,” she says, firmly leading me to the fitting room.

I have never been sized in my life.

I feel weird.

I go into the fitting room, and a polite fitter asks me to strip to my bra and sheÂ’ll come in and measure me. I do that. When she pulls aside the heavy velvet curtain to measure me, I start babbling, in the incompetent way I do when IÂ’m nervous.

“My boyfriend bought me this lovely bra, but it doesn’t fit. I’m not a 34B, I think I’m a 36. Do you remember Tang? Tang? I used to like Tang, but I don’t anymore, do you?” I babble.

“You’re certainly not a 36B. You’re not a 34 either,” she says, tape measure whipping over my rack. “You’re a 32.”

“HA!” I shrilly laugh. “Not likely!”

She looks at me kindly. “You have a small frame, love.”

”Yes, if I’m standing next to a brontosaurus!” I retort.

She measures more. “I’ll get your right size, I’ll be right back,” she says, sweeping out the door. 32 indeed. I haven’t been a 32 since I was 12. No way am I 32.

She comes in with a bright pink lace bra, the kind of thing I’d never buy. “Try this, it’s one of our proving samples.” She hands it to me. It’s a 32DD.

I freak the fuck right out all over the fitting room.

“NO WAY AM I A DD!” I panic. “I’ve been there. I have those puppies removed. I was a 38DD, and I’m a DD no more!” I shriek. I feel like I can’t breathe. I am right back to where I was 15 years ago, cursed with a rack the size of Mt. St. Helens.

"I'm fairly sure you're a 32DD." She replies.

"Are you measuring me in metrics? Using horse measurements, maybe? Because the girth of my ribcage can give National Velvet a run for it's money."

She smiles kindly. “You have a very small frame, but your breasts are round and high up. Your surgeon was good. You were a 38DD, but it would hang off you, completely empty now. The surgery may have removed part of your breasts, but the shape of them remains.” She tries to soothe the savage Helen. “Try the bra and just let me know.”

I am near tears. I canÂ’t be a DD. I canÂ’t be a 32. I just canÂ’t be any of this. Porn stars are DD. The old useless Helen is DD. New Helen and her boobs cannot be that big. I try on the bra and call her in.

“See!” I nearly howl. “I have bat wing boob coming over the side. It’s the wrong cup and size. This doesn’t fit.”

She smiles kindly, and adjusts the straps. With two smooth motions, the boobage bat wings disappear. The cups are filled with my girls.

The bra fits.

“You’ve never been fitted, have you?” she asks softly.

I shake my head. “No, never in my life,” I reply. “This is horrible. I’m a 32 DD. That’s enormous.”

“It’s not so big, honest,” she replies. “It’s about the shape of your breasts. DD doesn’t mean you’re huge, it means that you have round breasts. 32DD is a great size. I would love to have breasts like yours,” she says, gazing at my baps.

OK, now IÂ’m uncomfortable.

She holds up another bra. "I brought a 32E as well, in case the 32DD didn't fit."

Fit? FIT? E is not happening to me. E is porn star material*. I steady an even gaze on her. This is the proverbial straw. "Don't even come near me with an E, unless it's the kind that makes me randy enough to take on a bar full of sailors. There's no way I'm going E. Thanks for trying."

So I exchange the bra for a different set (turns out they donÂ’t have the set Angus bought me in 32Sweet-Jesus-Those-Things-Are-Big). I take them out with me. I now have bras I have been fitted for.

And I feel really freaked out by it.

-H.

PS-I did buy the 32DD. Angus and I both wonder if the DD is a big too big, that maybe a D would've done it-I'm going to get re-measured Thursday to see if this is the case or not. A 32 is snug, but maybe that's how bras are supposed to be. I'm depressed.

* I do have a fantastic porn star name though. You know the rule-you take the name of your first pet and the name of the first street you lived on? I'm taking the first ones that I can remember anyway, so my porn star name is Maxie Hemlock. I think that's a killer porn name. I dare you to try to beat that one.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:54 PM | Comments (41) | Add Comment
Post contains 1726 words, total size 9 kb.

1 I had a breast reduction as well about 15 years ago, same exact situation when I finally got fitted, pissed me off truly!

Posted by: Cheryl at January 16, 2007 08:27 PM (msF2q)

2 No breast reduction here. My tas are tiny even after 2 kids. My name kicks a clown's ass: Lovey Diane.

Posted by: Ice Queen at January 16, 2007 08:49 PM (Lyl8J)

3 hehe. Mine's P.J. Plumb. ;-) I kinda like it.

Posted by: girl at January 16, 2007 08:51 PM (z6Kyx)

4 Don't even go there. I am a 34DDDD(or F), but either way it makes me wince. By fifth grade I was in a C cup. The first day of swim class in ninth grade I was exposed to the same silence as you were when I walked out. Years later, with a hunched up back and spine that is out of whack, I was kindly told by a surgeon that although my breast "were clearly way too big (no shit Sherlock) for my frame", insurance would not cover any part of a breast reduction. It seems too many women have used it as an excuse to get breast augmentation, and unlike you did not have any back/shoulder pain, but their docs fudged their records to get insurance to pay for the whole shabang. So now there is a certain breast weight-to-body weight ratio that many companies go by, and the surgeon told me that they don't even look at the pictures or the frame of the women, just the numbers on the sheet. According to insurance, for my breast weight and my height (5'4"), I need to weigh no more than 104 pounds. Not only do I not understand how I would even began to walk if that was my weight, but when I was treated for anorexia years back, my lowest weight was 112 pounds, and I looked like Nicole Richie on a bloated day. So instead they recommend PT(like that helps), excercise (which I do, but the bouncing-ay yi yi), and this horrible bra which cost close to $200 and that looks like something the Marine Corp of Engineers designed. I am only 33-I fear for what the future holds for my girls. It is also one of the reasons I did not breast feed, not to mention the idea of whipping one of those mammoth mammeries out when the kids were hungry-even if that bitch of a nurse told me that it did not matter how big the were, breastfeeding was easy. Liar-I tried. The poor kid just about gagged, and I couldn't even see my child's face. So yes, I sympathize. Bigger is not always better.

Posted by: Teresa at January 16, 2007 08:58 PM (vEJ0U)

5 My name would be Ming Calliandra. Kinda sexy huh?

Posted by: Tiffani at January 16, 2007 09:15 PM (b5yZu)

6 A 32 is snug, but maybe that's how bras are supposed to be. Yes; the support is supposed to come primarily from the band, not the straps. I only just learned that last year from the fabulous Bitch, Ph.D. Do not fret about the DD--cup size is determined relative to band size, so a 32DD ain't anywhere close to a 38DD. It does sound like you had a fantastic surgeon. ”Yes, if I’m standing next to a brontosaurus!” I retort. Ooh, that's IT, young lady. Tag!

Posted by: ilyka at January 16, 2007 09:28 PM (bbpKI)

7 I know, it's awful. Most women wear the wrong size bra. I myself am guily of it, too. It's really easy to let the band make up for the size of the girls, you know? But it's only a number (or letter, I suppose). Just think what atrocious letter you'd be looking at otherwise :-)

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 16, 2007 10:19 PM (/vgMZ)

8 Buck Melrose. No, that's not the California version of my street (even though I lived there in my teen years), that's the West Virginia version. And, oh God, I'm sorry you were ridiculed as a teen for being top heavy, but the story of sending your cat flying with your bazonkers nearly sent a mouthful of dinner all over my monitor again. Especially the way you TOLD it. Just thinking about it is about to send me into hysterics again... damn it...now I gotta go to the bathroom.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 16, 2007 10:32 PM (kjVf/)

9 If you've never seen the earlier seasons of Will and Grace (the last few years sucked), that was also how a gay man was supposed to pick his drag name. While I'm supposed to go onstage as Wilbur 118th, I'd rather be FawnZelle, a la Dooce.com.

Posted by: Robert at January 16, 2007 10:38 PM (uV3Pe)

10 My name? Lilly Highbeam. :-)

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 16, 2007 10:43 PM (tQSD2)

11 Mine would be Pinky Pecos Several friends have had your experience which is the exact reason I do not go for a "professional" fitting. Ignorance is 36B bliss!

Posted by: Wanderlust at January 16, 2007 10:54 PM (Rx8Pj)

12 My porn star is making me consider actually becoming a porn star...Rebel Serenity. I can so totally see that in red, white and blue letters across the front of a DVD. "And now..in all her glory, Rebel Serenity!!!" Speaking of glories, I wish I could have breast surgery. I was quite a bit heavier when I was younger..and although the rack is considerably less than it was, it's not exactly as high up as it should be. And frankly, that's not very comfortable. If the husband and I ever manage to reproduce, I'm so getting them lifted, taped and tucked so they're up where they belong.

Posted by: Lindsay at January 16, 2007 11:13 PM (fC15Y)

13 My name would be Whiskey Gardenia. Sounds like a winner to me!

Posted by: Evelyn at January 16, 2007 11:16 PM (0Co69)

14 Mine's Cindy Van Dyke. Yes, really. And now I'm inspired to get measured too.

Posted by: Bre at January 16, 2007 11:32 PM (ARmot)

15 Bra sizes in the UK are completely different from US sizes - if you haven't already figured that out after this adventure.

Posted by: Orodemniades at January 16, 2007 11:37 PM (h+Y+B)

16 I have known 2 people who had reduction and they have always been happy with the results. I didn't even get boobs until I was 39, after I quit smoking, then they popped out there. I have never been fitted either and I know I wear the wrong size. Maybe I'll do that just in time to wear the right size for my funeral...LOL I'm Tippy Columbia!

Posted by: kenju at January 16, 2007 11:41 PM (L8e9z)

17 I got fitted not too long ago and was stunned to find out I was a 40D. I will say that I am much more comfortable and don't snatch my bra out through the shirt sleeves the minute I walk in the door any more. (though I wouldn't put one on if I'm not leaving the house.) At least your 32s are on the top rack (pun unintentional but I'm leaving it). Us hefty brontosaurus girls should not have to get on the floor to find the 40s!

Posted by: sophie at January 17, 2007 12:13 AM (1HOa8)

18 Gonzales Jordan.... Hmmm. Of course, I'm a 42DD, and I consider myself lucky, since my mother is a G cup.

Posted by: amber at January 17, 2007 12:49 AM (l+rnS)

19 I'm Buttons Murray. Not too bad. Now where did I leave my clear heels?

Posted by: donna at January 17, 2007 12:55 AM (e2lwS)

20 Happy Mundy

Posted by: Lori at January 17, 2007 01:33 AM (MY7JG)

21 My D+ sized mams disappeared after breastfeeding and I couldn't be happier. Seriously. I hated them with a fiery passion, hated wearing TWO jog bras to keep from knocking myself out. Sure, they're not quite as perky now, but bring on the cute, thin-strapped lacy shelf bras! Also? Jixie Wisteria is my p0rn name. Ha!

Posted by: karmajenn at January 17, 2007 01:48 AM (zuXz9)

22 Perfect fitting is a must. Because I've been sized right, I can wear a bra without an underwire (I hate those things.) I was a little surprised myself when I was sized because I'd been an A cup for so long. "Where did THOSE come from?" Strangely enough, I know a great research page for women with "unusual" sizes. Even stranger, I got the link through an internet comic. Turns out that the very busty star of the comic is based on the cartoonist's very busty wife, and therefore while there are jokes about the rack she's treated nothing like a porn star. BTW, at the bottom of the page is the wife's story about dealing with her chest, and is well worth a read. But it doesn't surprise me that you're a smaller band size with a larger cup size. That's a holdover from the extra-large days, when the only sizes you could find in a DD were larger than 32.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 17, 2007 03:33 AM (tie24)

23 Lola Forest Not very sexy. 32DD....very nice. 38C isn't fun either.

Posted by: Heidi at January 17, 2007 04:08 AM (fAxBC)

24 Rug Huntington. Pretty dirty, huh?

Posted by: ZTZCheese at January 17, 2007 05:24 AM (JrfT4)

25 Mescal Clairvoix doesn't sound like a adult film name, does it?

Posted by: ~Easy at January 17, 2007 12:17 PM (FKBK3)

26 I had a friend that had the same type of surgery you did. Of course, she was also like 5 feet tall so it was really an issue. She went from a DD to a C to a D. She said that it had to do with how young you were when you had them because a woman's body does mature. No clue if she just didn't realize her size to begin with or not. Just what she told me.

Posted by: Minawolf at January 17, 2007 01:24 PM (eOa5a)

27 My name sounds like it was made up by a 6 year old...that or I am the first Ancient Roman Porn Star... Biggus Dickus....niiiiiccee... And to prove that I am pure sexist man...I must now insist that we all see the puppies to give you a good judgement on your "problem". lol

Posted by: Brad at January 17, 2007 03:03 PM (0Co69)

28 oops...that was a name generator based on your name. I missed the real way you are supposed to do it according to Helen. My real name according to Helen would be Gus Squirrel. Doh!

Posted by: Brad at January 17, 2007 03:08 PM (0Co69)

29 Fear not. Cup size differs with band size. I watched an Oprah once on buying bras that fit, and they said that someone who's been wearing a 36B, if they lose band size but not cup size, the cup will actually seem bigger in the next size down, for instance, they'd be 34C. I don't know if I explained that very well, but it made perfect sense when Oprah's bra expert talked about it. Oh! Better example, when I lost weight a few months ago I went from a 38 to a 34, but really needed to go up a cup size. So you see, even though my boobs got a bit smaller, I was filling up the smaller cup to overfill levels. Okay. I'm done now. The first part of my name rocks - Pumpkin. The last part? Riverlawn. Not so much.

Posted by: amy t. at January 17, 2007 03:53 PM (fm3Rv)

30 Mine is Miss Pussycat Eucalyptus. Not too sure what to make of that...

Posted by: Kat at January 17, 2007 04:27 PM (4g1jr)

31 Bra sizing is a tricky thing at the best of times. But I'd go by the specialty shop's assessment! The sizing is all relative, trust me on that. The wider the rib cage, the smaller the cup. So a 34B=32C=30D...Just a random piece of trivia I grew out of department store bras by the time I was 14. Apparently anything bigger than a 34DD doesn't exist. I was so excited when I found out that Victoria Secret made pretty bras with a bigger cup and smaller ribcage (I suspect it's for all those "boob upgraders" out there.) I've been buying 150$ bras for the last 8 years. I was in shock when I found out I was a 32DD at 16. Lol, and the babies just keep growing at their own pace. I think I'm up to a 30G bordering on a wonderful 30H. I can't even fathom what I'll do when I have to look for a maternity bra... and even though my back aches, blouses never fit, my male-co-workers gazes (which are awkward), I've learned to accept and almost am comfortable with what genetics have given me. There still are times when I find myself uncomfortable with the attention I get, but they are a part of me! As for the name, mine is Nichon Marion... lol, who names their cat boob at the age of 4? Apparently I do!

Posted by: Anais at January 17, 2007 04:34 PM (3DSr9)

32 I had a breast reduction 4 years ago. I was always a relatively small framed girl. I wore a size 7-9 clothes size and 32B bra size in High School and College. I hit my mid twenties and my hormones took off. I could not figure out why my waist and hips stayed the same but my boobs seemed to get bigger and heavier. When I finally had to resort to a Playtex Cross Your Heart I figured enough was enought and went to a Dr. He likened the hormones raging to having been on an array of different birth controls throughout the years (5 different ones) - The last being Depo Provera which I had removed from my arm after 5 years and shortly before this surge of growth. Everyones body is different I guess. I found myself a good plastic surgeon though, who fixed me right on up (literally) and down to a 34B. I went through everything you did except I was required to stay one night only in the hospital - But OH the results!!!! These girls don't go anywhere and are as perky as they were when I was 16. I love the fact that I don't have to wear a bra if I don't want to. I love that I know they most likely will never get any larger or sag. So what if I can't breast feed - I probably wouldn't have anyway. And my nipples are no longer the size of silver dollars but the size of quarters. I didn't lose any sensation either. In essence I would have this surgery done any day of the week and twice on Sunday. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

Posted by: kimmykins13 at January 17, 2007 04:38 PM (HUKlZ)

33 Mädchen Zena Lona. It makes me sound wildly exotic yes? It would require the full on wax of all the goodies in order to be fitting, however. Ouch! I think there is some sort of reverse phenomenon whereby as women's clothing sizes become smaller in number only, bra sizes become inflated to compensate. At this rate, then, women can brag about being a size 0000 with 28 PPP breasts without worrying about physics.

Posted by: gennimcmahon at January 17, 2007 04:45 PM (QqF9v)

34 Oh, and mine would be Prissy Portsmouth

Posted by: kimmykins13 at January 17, 2007 04:46 PM (HUKlZ)

35 Same thing happened to me recently; I actually got fitted in the bra department at Nordstroms by a "pro" and went from what I thought was a 38B to a 34D. See, I hate wearing bras too; never been fitted before. I purposely would buy a bigger band size thinking it would be more comfortable. Well, it wasn't more comfortable because the cups would slip up and it never fit right. The band is supposed to be snug right under the boobs and in the back pulled up, not down. I'd been wearing them wrong my whole life, lol! Now my bras fit and I can wear them all day long without discomfort. And yeah, Dan gets to brag to his buds that his wife is a D cup. Not that he ever would. But yanno...IF he ever wanted to do that, he could. Well, he brags to me about it. But that's not quite the same thing, is it? ;-P

Posted by: Amber at January 17, 2007 07:07 PM (zQE5D)

36 I'm Frisky Cloverdale. I was also sized and the whole "I'm not that size" weirded me out as well. But, my bras sure do feel better now.

Posted by: Marie at January 17, 2007 07:54 PM (ILGLO)

37 You are gorgeous, and the numbers and letters of your bra size do not matter. I was so small that I did not even own a bra until I was 40. I always wore camisoles. I was pregnant for a while (I miscarried) and along with everything else about being pregnant I loved my breasts getting bigger and bigger! My porn star name: Toodles Pryor

Posted by: amelia at January 17, 2007 08:28 PM (tZQUq)

38 Sean Apricot.

Posted by: Oda Mae at January 17, 2007 08:52 PM (0vG2X)

39 I'm afraid to be measured because I'm quite happy with my 36Ds and I don't want them to tell me that I'm a 482-A. I will be very sad if I learn that no, I'm not stacked, I'm just really fat in funny places. As it happens, I believe it was the story of the bapped cat that prompted me to first comment on your site after lurking for ages. (Was that when you wore a great white shirt and stood in front of the projector, unleashing the spotlight that made your whole shirt go transparent for all the men to oogle?) I loved it the second time 'round too. And my pr0n name is Bandit Corydon. Lame. OH! And I don't think they even have brontosaurusessseses (brontosaurai?) anymore. Before the stripping of Pluto, they went and fucked with all the dinosaurs and changed up everything. I think they're bracheosauruseseseuseusususassi now.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at January 17, 2007 09:55 PM (r6SJw)

40 Heh. Being as my mother trained in paleontology (coolest kindergarten mom ever), I actually know the story. See, Back In the Day paleontologists were trying to be the first to discover new fossils, and sometimes got a little slipshod in their methods— or actually, downright fraudulent. The original Brontosaurus fossil was the result of a dig that turned up the body of an Apatosaurus, but not the head, so the guy went to another dig about thirty miles away and picked a likely candidate for the skull. And for more than a century, that sole fossil— an Apatosaurus with a Camarasaurus skull— was copied and presented around the world. After they notived that a) they weren't turning up anything but "headless" Bronty skeletons, usually in close proximity to "orphaned" Apatosaurus skulls and b) the joints didn't quite match, they said, Oops, and issued a general directive (and resin Apatosaurus skulls all around!) I find it very weird that I know these things as a maater of course. Blame my upbringing.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 18, 2007 05:20 AM (tie24)

41 Lilly Highbeam, Rebel Serenity, Buttons Murray and Lovey Diane are some of the good p0rn names. Plus Ice Queen gets points for using "kicks a clown's ass" because, you know, I LOVE that saying.

Posted by: Helen at January 18, 2007 09:08 AM (Mzf0J)

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