I'm not handling today at all well.
I wish I was - I actually had a wonderful Christmas, surrounded by lots of people and lots of food and lots of laughter - but I'm just not.
Spending time with Angus' family is getting more and more enjoyable. I genuinely like and care about them all now (some relationships took a bit of time, but we got there in the end) and I actually feel like I'm part of a family. It's a nice feeling. It's a warm feeling. Angus and I - recovering from the Queen Mother of all arguments, the worst one we've had in our entire lives and something that absolutely cannot be repeated ever, as we get to work on rebuilding our trust now (so no pressure there, then) - had a nice Christmas together with the twins on the morning of the 25th. We had a lovely time - Angus outdid himself with fabulous gifts, and today I'm still enjoying them all a great deal, including my baby elephant (laugh if you want, but if you know anything about me you should know that adopting an abused elephant is exactly my kind of thing). Angus also made out like a bandit, and he is now equipped with professional grade Japanese knives from me.
The twins, since they haven't a clue what's going on on a day-to-day basis let alone for Christmas, did not get much from us. They got more onesies since that's all they wear because I'm a lax mother (including striped ones that say "Thing 1" and "Thing 2", since I plan on paying for their therapy someday) and some Taggie blankets I've been desperate to get them. They got one soft toy from us, toys from France, because I'm a Francophile when it comes to stuffed animals. I saw the perfect one for Nick, and then a perfect one for Nora.
And our little family Christmas was a lovely time, honestly. The larger Angus' Extended Family Christmas comprised 12 adults, 6 children and 2 dogs and it was a blindingly good time. I really feel like a part of the family, and with that knowledge comes the feeling that they are a part of my family now, too.
But last night once we got home all I wanted to do was take down the Christmas stuff. I was desperate for it, I think it's misplaced stress - we leave in two days for my father's house, and I don't know what the holy fuck I was thinking, taking a Nora Child on an airplane. My stress levels are through the roof about that, not to mention Melissa and Jeff arrive tomorrow and I'm nervous around Jeff now (nervous around a 10 year old. Great.) and I want everyone to have a lovely New Years with my family.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The arugment is behind us but I'm so worn out from it and hoping that we never argue like that again (Angus is similarly worn out from it, so since we're on the same wavelength there we can hopefully ensure said fighting never occurs again). The airplane is in front of me, and although I hope that goes well I cannot get the image of an entire airplane full of people trying to push Nora and I out at 30,000 feet as we become that family that everyone on the airplane despises.
Christmas is packed up and put away in the loft this morning, as though it never happened. I'm sure that's a metaphor. I'm ok with that, and I only hope next year we have a better time leading up to the big day.
Although we usually make it to the afternoon, Nora started her bender early today, and for the very first time since this all happened I just can't cope with her today. I can't. I love her fiercely but I can't face another day of the endless screaming. No one likes to be around her, she's so fractious and so angry you wouldn't believe it. I know people keep telling me the colic will pass but I just can't get there soon enough. And I suppose I also worry that what if this isn't colic? What if this is just her? How will we cope?
I didn't think about hitting her, trust me.
I did think about opening a bottle of wine, and it was only 9 am.
(I refrained, trust me. I might not be coping well today but I am keeping alcoholism at an arm's length.)
It will pass. I'll get better. Everything will get better.
-H.
PS - it would have been my 15th wedding anniversary today to my first husband. Weird, on a very surreal level.
1
I know how you feel. I'm surprised it's the first time you've felt this way! I didn't even have a colic baby, but there were just days where I fully could not take it. It would be like 9am and I realized I had the whole day ahead of me and they were just losing it and I would just cry. Ah, fun times. My Hailey was not colic. But she's tough. Nora sounds like her. She's stubborn and she knows what she wants, and if she doesn't get it IMMEDIATELY, everyone will hear about how she isn't getting what she wants. Ugh. We still have good and bad days ... but much better now. Much better than the early months. I do promise you it will get better and easier. All I can offer are hugs, and if you need, I'll ship some more wine over to you.
We got an unbelievable amount of alcohol when the babies were born. I have like 5 massive jugs of Jack Daniels (which I don't even drink.) All this liquor came from people who were parents. I guess they knew something that we didn't then, huh?
Hugs!
Posted by: Erica at December 27, 2007 12:51 PM (D6tE/)
2
Every parent comes to understand where the urge to physically harm your child comes from. We all have dark thoughts and urges. Thankfully, very few of us act on the urge.
Posted by: ~Easy at December 27, 2007 01:48 PM (WdRDV)
3
Reading of your gifts to Angus has inspired me to come out of my usually lurking to say - please make Angus 'pay' you a gold coin for his knives.
http://www.fengshuidiva.com/PRESSRELEASES/PR20051201GIFTSUPER
http://www.oldsuperstitions.com/general.htmlSTITIONS.htm
http://www.corsinet.com/trivia/scary.html
I don't know if you believe in superstitions but my conscious wouldn't let me pass this by.
I wish you and your family all the best for the holiday season and a very happy new year.
Posted by: Carla at December 27, 2007 01:53 PM (eaAu3)
4
I'm glad to hear you had a nice Christmas, but sorry you're dealing with such stress over your upcoming travel plans. I'm hoping that the very Determined and Social Nora will surprise you and handle the trip like a champ - the stimulation and social opportunities may just keep her so busy while she's awake that she doesn't have time to get mad? And hopefully little Nick will sleep, stare, and seduce anyone who looks at him right into submission for you.
I certainly do understand where the stress is coming from though - too many unknowns. Hang in there!
Sending good thoughts for a surprisingly relaxing family New Year's Vacation (why am I hearing Chevy Chase muttering in the background?) with only small stressors that are endearingly funny in retrospect and which make for wonderful family memories for years to come.
Posted by: Lisa at December 27, 2007 02:03 PM (EcHBm)
5
I may have told this story already, but apparently my sister was so bad, my dad put her in her bassinet and put it in the walk-in closet, so they could sleep. What else can you do when a child is colicky 18 hours a day, and you live in a one bedroom apartment? Anyone without a colicky child may think that's horrible, but those of us who've had colicky children understand. Maybe we wouldn't do it, but we certainly understand.
I hope Nora's colic ends immediately.
Posted by: Solomon at December 27, 2007 02:04 PM (al5Ou)
6
Screw the people on the airplane. If they didn't want to risk being annoyed on a plane, they shouldn't be taking a commercial flight. That being said, you can try to win them over by handing out earplugs and apologies in advance to those around you as you board.
I hope your New Years trip is fantastic. Travel safe.
Posted by: donna at December 27, 2007 02:11 PM (Kco5r)
7
Bring some cheap earplugs and some little bottles of liquor for your seatmates. Hopefully your humorous gesture will buy you some good humor and they'll cut Nora a break. Good luck!
Been thinking of you both often and hoping that you two find your way to a good place soon. Those kinds of fights are never, ever fun, though the 'come to Jesus' is often what you need to get past a truly substantial hurdle or challenge. Hoping that is the case here too.
Enjoy the trip home. Happy New Year!
Posted by: Kimberly at December 27, 2007 02:21 PM (d7/RG)
8
I'm sending hugs and a Happy New Year wish to you today. Be well!
Posted by: Stella at December 27, 2007 03:22 PM (LfcRy)
9
Worst case scenario? She cries on the plane the majority of the time. Brace yourself in advance and plan to stand in the back near the lavs and you will be o.k. We had to take our 10 month old screaming from Korea and the only mother he knew his foster mom and believe me the screaming was horrible. What can you do? Stay out of everyones way and hope for no turbulence so you aren't glued to your seats. I know the colic will get better but it the moment it seems eons away. Have a wonderful trip, I know somehow it will be.
Posted by: Judi at December 27, 2007 03:54 PM (NRkQT)
10
The biggest thing that's likely wrong with you if you are anything like the rest of the parents of newborns is that you don't get enough sleep. And it will be months before that sorts itself out.
Is there any chance that when you get back you could hire a mother's helper to help out with some basic housework or childcare and let you rest? Might make a world of difference.
Posted by: A Reader at December 27, 2007 04:11 PM (ipcKP)
11
Just make sure to bring the Christmas tree hats. I know Christmas is over and all, but who can get mad at Nora in that hat? I would imagine both of them will make their presence known during take off and landing due to the pressure in their ears, but maybe once you level off it'll be like riding in a car - the motion and engine rumble will lull them to sleep.
As I have no babies and have spent little time around them, I could totally be talking out my ass here, but if I am, then shouldn't you be impressed my ass can talk?
x
Posted by: amy t. at December 27, 2007 04:46 PM (3dOTd)
12
Maybe a help for little Nora. If you care to ----please read.
MICROWAVE COOKING
is Killing You!
By Stephanie Relfe B.Sc. (Sydney)
A father of four, grandfather of 10, and great
grandfather of 6.
Posted by: James at December 27, 2007 04:55 PM (hDgM5)
13
I remember being where you are now with my Youngest. I thought my head was imploding. All I wanted was dinner out and I could not find anyone to help for a few hours. I wasn't asking much, but I so needed it. And I made it through. sigh.
Posted by: Amy at December 27, 2007 05:03 PM (VQlwD)
14
Okay, there is a lot I relate to here but I'll focus on this part, you said:
since we're on the same wavelength there we can hopefully ensure said fighting never occurs again)
During the time we took a blog-break for about a year...what? Two years ago or so? We had a hella major bad bad fight. Very very bad.
Bad. Trust was destroyed, it seemed. And I was the catalyst, too. Not that Dan was blameless but the way I handled it. Very bad. I said things...I never should have said. And Dan responded badly and it was...bad. I felt I'd ruined Dan's love for me and there was no going back, not ever. I even felt suicidal and I almost...well. Let's not go there.
Trust me when I say it was very bad.
We struggled over the next few days to fix everything. And it was slow. And we were both still so fragile, so hurt. But I'll share with you what my oldest friend told me when I told her (some of) it. (The details will always stay between me and Dan).
I said a similar thing, like you said above. I swore to Dan that I'd die before I'd let it get that far again. He promised me and I promised him that we'd never ever ever ever ever let it get like that again. Not ever.
But my friend said....don't do that, don't put that kind of pressure on your relationship. Because we will fight again, she said. And she was right; we have. Not like that time two years ago, but still upsetting. What she suggested instead was that, Dan and I both needed to stop trying so hard to be perfect, for one. And for another, when one of us apologizes, to take it to heart. To let go of resentment.
Sometimes we say things during heated discussions that are misconstrued, sometimes we say things we don't even *believe* when we are really angry. It happens, especially with bright, verbally gifted people who love each other to pieces. Like us. And like you two. And like my friend and her husband.
So please don't set yourself up with an impossible goal of never letting it get "that bad" again. It might. It might and then what? You'll give up because you set this goal? No...no, you'll fix it again.
So my assvice is, both of you, forgive, let it go and love. And trust will bloom again. And you will get past this; we did.
{{{hugs}}}}
And fuck anyone on the plane who has a problem with the babies. Here's a mantra Dan taught me long ago when we were still dating and sometimes it seemed the World itself; my job, my family, everyone, was out to kick me around nonstop..."Fuck 'em! FUCK 'EM ALL!"
This should come in handy (mentally, now...*g*) during the flight should you get any grief from other passengers. *grins*
Posted by: The other Amber at December 27, 2007 06:27 PM (zQE5D)
15
I hope you have a great time with your family visiting my neck of the woods. It seems like you've been to Whistler more in the last year or so than I have in the last 12 years and I lived only 2 hours way from it.
I hope everything gets better with Nora and soon too. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer as I haven't had a child yet but I have seen my sister go through it with a colicky baby and it does pass.
Posted by: Missgirlbliss at December 27, 2007 06:29 PM (Ge15a)
16
The only advice I can offer is not to worry about the plane as much as you are . . . a little worry is fine and totally natural, but no need to stress out completely. I can relate a bit . . . we took our daughter on a long flight at 8 weeks. I was nervous as hell leading up to it . . . I think I can understand your stress a bit. The GOOD NEWS -- the hum of the plane engine and some extra "snacks" of milk helped her keep her sanity on the entire ride. I still get nervous when we fly with her, but she's always proved to be better than I thought possible (which is a great feeling!).
I sincerely hope to hear that your flight goes so much better than you are anticipating . . . I'm confident it will. And if it does not, who cares? It's a bunch of weirdo-airline-passengers you'll NEVER see again! So what if Nora makes some noise? It will give them something to talk about when others ask them "How was the flight?" right??
Posted by: Heather at December 27, 2007 06:38 PM (DM9sf)
17
He really got you a Seymour? Holy crap! That may be the coolest present EVER. Keeper. Definitely a keeper.
As for the rest, honey, just please let it go. Nora will scream on the plane, Jeff and Melissa will be fractious, you and A will grumble. That's just how things go. It's life and you can't make it all happy all the time. What matters is how you deal with it. Or not...
Have a wonderful trip!
Posted by: caltechgirl at December 27, 2007 07:13 PM (hQNjm)
18
He really got you a Seymour? Holy crap! That may be the coolest present EVER. Keeper. Definitely a keeper.
As for the rest, honey, just please let it go. Nora will scream on the plane, Jeff and Melissa will be fractious, you and A will grumble. That's just how things go. It's life and you can't make it all happy all the time. What matters is how you deal with it. Or not...
PS: Fuck 'em, Fuck 'em ALL is my mantra, too. Try it, I think you'll like it!
Have a wonderful trip!
Posted by: caltechgirl at December 27, 2007 07:17 PM (hQNjm)
19
Okay. I'll take these one at a time:
1) When my first child was colicky, I imagined me smashing him up against the wall. I CAN ADMIT IT, NOW. At the time? His father came home to find me huddled in the bathtub, both of us screaming to beat the band.
2) I am ALWAYS annoyed at people who are impatient with children on a plane. Granted, I don't allow my children to run around anywhere. Ever, but I want to shake the people who *sigh* loudly and say, "Hey, asshole? IT'S A BABY. YOU EXPLAIN CABIN PRESSURE TO THEM, HUH BUDDY?" Fuck 'em. Seriously. They. Will. Survive.
3) Speaking of surviving - you will, too. I know that I get all Pollyanna on you but honey? This is about as bad as it gets with kids. And you have two. Please please please try to have more patience and love for yourself, hey? You have so much for EVERYONE else and their bad behavior or ill moods, please love you, too, okay?
This will pass. I promise.
Posted by: Margi at December 27, 2007 08:01 PM (KF0g8)
20
Hi, I haven't commented in a long time but I'm one of the people that have been reading you for years. I tried for 10 yrs before I got pregnant with my second child. I finally got him and he came with colic...such a stupid little word for such a huge thing. He didn't sleep more than 4 hours at a time and he cried the entire time he was awake. It lasted almost 5 months. I cried as much as he did and I swore he hated me. I truly said things like "maybe he's not mine" "I think maybe they switched babies at the hospital because this kid can't stand me"
I would be in tears walking into the pediatrician's office every month and I would beg her to help me stop him from crying. I was exhausted and frustrated and I actually moved his bassinet away from the bed one night because I was afraid I might hurt him in my sleep (even though I never had thoughts of doing so)
Even after it stopped I walked around on egg shells for a month worried that it couldn't really be over..but it was.
I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand those days when you feel like you just can't do it anymore.
Colic is horrible, so much more so than anyone can imagine unless they have been through it.
I kept telling myself the reason I was given this particular child was because I could handle it and maybe if I'd been given him any earlier I wouldn't have been able to.
I think the same thing is true of you and Angus.
You are doing a great job with the babies and I knew you would.
Posted by: Fawn at December 27, 2007 08:02 PM (aRRef)
21
Long time lurker, finally delurking. (It's a whole NSFW thing.)
I totally get the elephant thing. I was given a penguin once, and i couldn't have been more delighted. My gift paid for its upkeep for a good few years, until he passed on to The Place Where All Good Penguins Eventually Go.
Is it worth suggesting a cure to help with the colic? Gripe water was fabulous on my two screamers (I so hear you, and send my sympathies), although I'm betting you've tried that. If not, do. Highly recommended.
Minx
Posted by: Evil Minx at December 27, 2007 08:06 PM (iRS7k)
22
Helen, I'm so glad that Christmas went well for you all and I'm sure your trip will be too. Once you're on the plane, and in your seats, you'll feel much better. And, I'm with everyone else, if people start complaining....fuck 'em!!
This time last year, I was in Whistler too on my belated honeymoon! Same time as you and Angus! Probably skied past you at some point! I hope you have as much fun as you did last year and if the kids start acting up, send them out on the zip wire! It's sure to make any one smile!!
Have a great trip, I'm off to Oban and the Isle of Mull, so will take this chance to wish you a very happy 2008, with much love. I hope that all things become easier, the children (all of 'em!) bring you nothing but love and joy and you and Angus just continue to love each other.
Posted by: Suzie at December 27, 2007 08:58 PM (rb0XF)
23
Helen, I'm so glad that Christmas went well for you all and I'm sure your trip will be too. Once you're on the plane, and in your seats, you'll feel much better. And, I'm with everyone else, if people start complaining....fuck 'em!!
This time last year, I was in Whistler too on my belated honeymoon! Same time as you and Angus! Probably skied past you at some point! I hope you have as much fun as you did last year and if the kids start acting up, send them out on the zip wire! It's sure to make any one smile!!
Have a great trip, I'm off to Oban and the Isle of Mull, so will take this chance to wish you a very happy 2008, with much love. I hope that all things become easier, the children (all of 'em!) bring you nothing but love and joy and you and Angus just continue to love each other.
Posted by: Suzie at December 27, 2007 09:04 PM (rb0XF)
24
I feel for you with Nora's colic. My brother had a colicky baby and I am absolutely amazed how well he and his wife survived it all. My niece is now a very shy, quiet 2-year-old (well, she'll be 2 on Sunday), so I hope you can take some reassurance that it really will pass.
With regard to the wine, I've been tempted myself (though it wasn't as early as 9am -- it was actually closer to 10am), and I don't have the same volume here with my two.
And yay for sponsoring an elephant! I've been to the Sheldrick ellie orphanage, visited with Daphne and watched the elephants play. She's doing good things, so it's a worthwhile cause.
Posted by: Tinker at December 27, 2007 09:04 PM (rU3SM)
25
Okay, I don't know what's happening. The computer is pretending to let me post a comment, but nothing is showing up. So if you get multiple (same) comments from me, including this one, feel free to delete them.
Posted by: Tinker at December 27, 2007 09:13 PM (rU3SM)
26
I was really stressed about the Mini's first plane ride, because he was in a screaming phase too. Not 24-7, but it was a pretty long stretch of time during the day, and I stressed about being that family on the plane. Hopefully Nora will be as good as the Mini. He ended up being a dream. The noises calm them. And maybe the change of scenery will do her good.
The other thing I might suggest is either plan a feeding during take off and landing, or bring those soothies or pacifiers. The Mini was out cold during both takeoff and landing, but, if they're awake, it'll help with the pressure change. If they're sleeping already, you're golden. (hopefully).
Not to be all assvicey, but I've totally been there, internalized stress and all.
Posted by: statia at December 27, 2007 10:49 PM (lHsKN)
27
Re the colic: Have you tried Nutramigen formula? I don't know if it's sold outside the U.S., but it ended our baby's colic problem. We tried "sensitive" milk-based formula, then soy (made him smell like a big French fry), then last stop was the Nutramigen. We could see the change right away.
The ingredient list is a little scary and non-food-looking, but he thrived on it. When he was a year old we moved him off the formula and onto regular whole milk, and he's taking it just fine.
Posted by: Spungen at December 28, 2007 06:05 AM (64m8X)
28
Fearing this may be assvice, and surely you've probably already tried - but the husband swears that his daughter was colicky until they tried a different type of formual with her - soy, I think. He says the constant crying cleared up right away. (I wasn't there, since she's from his first marriage.) Not sure if that's an option since Nora's a premie, but maybe that's part of the problem?
Posted by: Tracy at December 30, 2007 08:09 AM (0rzA0)
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