We should've seen it coming.

It's going to be a strange next few days. What's so strange? Is it because it's bitingly cold outside? Only a week to Christmas? The fact that I have 8 tiny reindeer in my back garden?

None of those, really (although the reindeer one, that'd be strange). No, the reason the next few days will be strange is because it's just me, Gorby, and the babies. Angus is away for several days (and nights). He's had to go to Sweden, to try to fix things.

We really should have seen it coming. The kids were here the beginning of November, and we won't see them until the 28th of December, because The Swunt has dictated that she wants the children for the entire holiday season this year, she wants them all the days leading up to Christmas and we could have them on the 30th (the 28th was the compromise. Some compromise.), she wanted their happy moods and Christmas excitement was didn't want to share it. Angus was distraught, upset he wouldn't see his kids for over 7 weeks and not at all before Christmas, but there was nothing we could do. So it was written, so it shall be.

We worried that something would go wrong - this length of time without the kids coming combined with The Swunt's influence, and it was a recipe for disaster. We hoped it could be mitigated by a holiday - we're off to the States to stay with my family in Seattle for a few days before all of us - Angus and I, all 4 kids, my Dad and stepmother and step-grandmother - drive up to Whistler, where we've rented a condo to relax and go skiing. It'll probably be our last holiday for a long time - the kids' school sessions are intense and we have the extension starting in the New Year, which will eat up all of our income (as will nursery costs, which stress me out). The Swunt, she was angry about the holiday and crusaded against it. Then she booked herself what is, in her words, a "far away and exotic holiday" so she started lobbying the kids to come with us. I can imagine their confusion - first mom says "don't enjoy going on holiday with Daddy" then switches to "go on holiday with Daddy, I've got plans of my own". And to accommodate her plans we had to book the world's most expensive plane tickets for them to fly here. Nice.

The phone calls with the kids started tapering off. They wouldn't answer the phone. They were really ass-y when they did answer.

And then Jeff flat out refused to speak to his father.

We should've seen that coming.

When we finally got an answer from Jeff about what was going on, it blew the lid off the situation. He was, in his words, "tired of Daddy, tired of Helen, and tired of the babies". He would "just about manage" going on holiday with us, but he wouldn't speak to us in the meantime.

Angus put his foot down. Some things were going to have to change.

Everytime we go on holiday there is one day where Jeff is a Right Royal Pain in the Ass. It never fails. It's usually on a day where we've booked something we can't change - a boat trip, an airplane ride, a day out, that kind of thing - and he starts being a dick and decides he's not going to do it. So the rest of us are held hostage, Angus has to bribe him in some way, and we're all pissed off with his behavior. Jeff holds us for ransom, he knows he can do it, and he knows that we can't do anything about it when he does go off on one.

Angus told Jeff that he would have to speak to him and sort things out, and that he couldn't be difficult at all on holiday or he simply wasn't coming, he could stay with The Swunt's family. Jeff didn't toe the party line - he told Angus he was tired of us, he would be angry on holiday, and he couldn't make any promises about his behavior. Angus informed Jeff that he loved him very much, but that he couldn't join us.

That was like a bomb going off.

And in the background, The Swunt did the most severe damage yet. Jeff started spouting things that couldn't possibly have come from him, they were things which were fed to him. Much of what he had to say was about Angus (the phrases "you're a liar" and "I hate you" were used a fair amount), but a large portion also went to the babies and I. Much of it was from the far distant past - the divorce stuff came up a lot, which we know that Jeff is actually mostly ok about, it's The Swunt who still is bitter about it - we're not discounting the things Jeff has said, not at all, but they are issues Angus has checked with Jeff time and time again and found them to be non-issues. For them to suddenly be issues, then, implies an outside influence. An influence which The Swunt does not deny.

The babies came up for a really hard time - Jeff said he didn't hate them (and I know he doesn't as I saw him with them) but that they've ruined things, they're a sign that Angus' other two kids weren't enough, and so on and so forth. Much of this also comes from The Swunt, and I have had ENOUGH of people trying to blame the babies for various misdeeds and discomfort in life. The next person who wants to play that game can fuck right off because that record doesn't play on the machine ever again.

Angus tried to talk to The Swunt about all of this, how poisoning the children against the other parent is not the way to go. In this house we never, ever talk badly of The Swunt in front of the children. The Swunt said that it's important that Jeff hears her truth. Angus again tried to tell her that it really badly damages children (both he and I were part of our parents' Poisoned Well campaigns, and we have vowed that no matter what our children would never be subjected to that). The Swunt basically told him she wants nothing to do with him, that at least she has a child who's on her side.

Angus is off to Stockholm tonight to be with just Jeff, and tomorrow with both kids, to try to halt the damage. He's confident he'll be able to fix it, as Jeff at least is talking to him now. We went ahead and bought his ticket to go with us on holiday, as we're hopeful it can be sorted. Jeff is delighted his father is flying to Stockholm to spend time with him, which is in itself a sign that this can be righted.

The whole thing is really, really hard on Angus. His children mean so much to him, he is absolutely mad about them. He hates seeing them upset or confused, he hates seeing them conflicted, and I can only imagine the dagger to the heart that is your child saying "I hate you". It tears me up to see him like that, while I'm simulaneously infuriated with The Swunt and acting like a shield for the babies-no one gets through me with their finger pointing. Like my feelings for my sister, I have completely run out of sympathy for The Swunt. I find it hard to feel sorry for someone that uses her kids in a war which need not exist. It's not something the kids will get over quickly, this kind of behavior has long term consequences, but she can't or won't see that and Angus can no longer help her try to.

I'm so tired I could cry. I feel like it's always one step forward two steps back. It gets better just to get bad again, and even though I've always been a champion for Jeff I find it hard when a lot of my resources are pulled in all directions.

Not that this is about me. Because it isn't.

So my boy is on a mission - whether the issues came from Jeff or not, Angus is armed with bags of reassurance and patience to try to deal with it all. I am home with the babies and the dog. We'll take it easy, and we will have toys all over the living room for the next few days (Angus isn't a fan of the baby toys, I always pick them up with the babies are done with them). We will send text messages of support and I will do some writing and hopefully one man can knit his family back together again.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:30 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
Post contains 1510 words, total size 8 kb.

1 Hugs, lots of them, coming your way. I really hope Angus can help the kids see how much them mean to him and through this really bad stage. I have no advice to give, with no experience at all in this area so all I can send is love and hugs. I really hope it gets better for you all.

Posted by: Suzie at December 17, 2007 10:33 AM (weSjv)

2 Lots and lots of hugs, dear. I don't comment often, but I read every post, and I can't even imagine having to deal with that.

Posted by: Meredith at December 17, 2007 10:37 AM (eMh2p)

3 Hi Helen, perhaps you have already disregarded this thought as not being something you both want to persue, but from what I have read so far on everything that happens to the kids when they are home in Sweden, I get the impression it would be better if their home were in England with you and Angus. Meaning, have Angus and you ever thought about trying to get the custody of the two? I am aware that usually courts favour the mother over the father in such things, but I am really concerned that the kids are suffering greatly in the situation they are in now. The Swunt will definately never change her behaviour, regardless of how much Angus or anybody will try to reason with her. So in my view, it would probably be the best for the kids in the long run, to finally get into a stable environment, where they feel that they are loved and have someone to turn to when they need help, instead of someone who is using them to achieve some sense of revenge. I know I am only getting one side from the story and I appologize if you feel that I am going to far with my statement, but I can't help but feel that she does not love the kids the way she should and that they would be much better off with you two.

Posted by: Tarantulady at December 17, 2007 10:42 AM (pXcXp)

4 Wow. It's weird reading my childhood in what you're writing about Angus's kids. My mom WAS the Swunt. She remains bitter about my father and the divorce to this day - and it was over 31 years ago. (I just put the damper on the whole "it'll get better someday" theory, didn't I. Sorry.) All I can say is what you and Angus probably already know from your childhood - that if Angus continues to be vigilant and stay active in their lives, someday they'll open their eyes to the fact that it was their mother's anger, not their father's faults, that put them through so much pain. I remember time after time as a kid when my mother would go off about my dad, and I would get indignant, and write a letter to my dad, or call him and say such hurtful things - things I would never have thought of at 10 or 12 - but that now I realize was her manipulating me to score another hit against him. Another dig. Anything to make her feel less lonely. Less like she had any part in their marriage not working. I think Angus is doing the right thing - but I do wish you and the babies were there with him. Unified front, and all that. Both Melissa and Jeff need to learn that love is multiplied when you have more children - not divided. What Angus felt for them, and what you felt for them, didn't change or go away when the babies came - it just brought more people into their life to love and be loved by. (Ok, Hallmark moment over.) I hope all goes well with the visit, and that Angus can show the kids that he's there for them, that his love hasn't changed, and that your home IS their home every bit as much as the babies' home. And kudos to you for being strong and confident enough to let Angus do what he needs to do, and not putting the Swunt down around the kids. My husband has full custody of his kids, so it's hard, when she does such a plethora of stupid crap, to not EVER say anything around the kids. We don't succeed all the time. And we spend time almost every week un-doing the damage she does on the one day each week that she has them - so I can imagine how much damage the Swunt has time to inflict.

Posted by: Tracy at December 17, 2007 11:42 AM (zv3bS)

5 Oh, man. You have no idea how close to home this hits this morning. I hope Angus gets things straightened out.

Posted by: ~Easy at December 17, 2007 11:45 AM (WdRDV)

6 (((hugs))) Crossing fingers for you guys that everything works out okay.

Posted by: Veronica at December 17, 2007 12:37 PM (j4UAj)

7 Oh dear! I can't believe this stuff she's pulling. It's great that Angus is flying out to do a face to face, but it's too bad that is what it resorts to. I've said it before, but there is no way in hell I would be able to restrain myself from coming unglued on her. Really. I would have all I could do to not fly over and beat her with the broomstick she has shoved up her ass. In reality I wouldn't do that (because the broomstick is to far stuck) but I would be imagining it, or perhaps her Karma would do it for me. You are doing a great job of maintaining, Helen, I applaud you. Have a great time with the babies and Gorby. You are a great mom.

Posted by: Angela at December 17, 2007 01:29 PM (DGWM7)

8 I sincerely hope it works out well. I hope she will be struck by lightning - enough to make her realize how she is using and damaging her children.

Posted by: kenju at December 17, 2007 02:00 PM (yvCMb)

9 That is really awful. I'm so sorry your family is having to go through this, and at Christmas of all times. I hope Angus can get through to him and get some things settled once and for all.

Posted by: donna at December 17, 2007 02:30 PM (Kco5r)

10 Thinking of you all. What a mess. I'm sorry. I hope you enjoy the time alone with the babies and that it's more relaxing than stressful. On another note, I'm sitting here wishing I could sneak up to Seattle to meet you while you're there; it's only about a 3 hour drive. Don't worry though, I would never presume to interrupt your family visit; I will settle for hoping you're having a nice relaxing vacation with the family when that time comes. I know the doting grandparents will help soothe the savage beast that is a child poisoned by his parent, at least for a while.

Posted by: Lisa at December 17, 2007 02:45 PM (EcHBm)

11 How unfortunate that The Swunt has chosen to act this way. Hopefully things will get better with time.

Posted by: Ursula at December 17, 2007 05:25 PM (d56pQ)

12 Of course this is awful and even moreso at Christmas. But perhaps it is good that it is coming to a head. Barring an outright custody battle (which presumes that the kids would even want to move to the UK), would it be possible to ask the court to mandate family counseling? Angus could probably participate in his sessions by teleconference, and if you took the approach that it was 'for the children,' it would at least get his ex into the presence of a professional who might be able to speak to the detrimental effect of her bitterness and venting on her children. It could likely help the kids as well, to have a safe place to work through their confusion. And it IS confusing for kids to be in the middle of this. While I'm not defending her behavior in any way, I do see that she has not been able to move past the events that happened in her marriage. Her husband left and moved to another country and fathered more children and those facts are just too much for her to heal from. I'm NOT EXCUSING her behavior, which is inexcusable, but rather pointing out that everyone might benefit from an outside professional therapist's involvement in the situation. I hope his in-person visit will be helpful. But I can't imagine that she will listen to him, as she sees him as the cause of her pain (as I'm sure she loves to retell repeatedly to anyone who will listen). It was good of him to go. At the very least, the kids will see him as someone whose love takes shape in action on their behalf. Good luck.

Posted by: Amy at December 17, 2007 05:30 PM (sJ+B/)

13 Amy - I agree wholeheartedly that counselling would be great and think your suggestion was excellent. I think Jeff isn't able to articulate his feelings well and I think The Swunt could benefit from some counselling (that isn't me being mean on that point - I had counselling and it helped me greatly, I imagine the same could happen for her). There's no way we could get the court to mandate counselling though, it just wouldn't work like that. Without a court mandate, I have no doubt that the counselling, she will not be sought. Tarantulalady - We've discussed the possibility of custody, but know there's no way the Swedish courts (that's the jurisdiction of the divorce) would give us custody. The Swunt doesn't work and thus would be seen as more hands-on than Angus and I, who do work. Plus, with the arrival of the Lemonheads and the extension not started yet, Jeff is currently without a bedroom, which would also look bad. We just wouldn't win. Besides, Jeff is truly a "Mommy's Boy" while Melissa is the Daddy's Girl. Jeff wouldn't want to come, and we wouldn't be able to win a custody battle. Tracy - your manipulation in your childhood? Yeah. Me too - we have the same story. But isn't it nice to be able to look back now and understand more of what went on, even if it doesn't make it right?

Posted by: Helen at December 17, 2007 06:10 PM (MLEsz)

14 My reflex anger button wants to say all sorts of nasty things, but what would that really do? Best of luck to Angus, and I do really see this as an opportunity to get this sorted out the way it should be. I send lots of love and luck to all of you.

Posted by: Teresa at December 17, 2007 06:15 PM (U20I6)

15 oh I am so sorry that you and Angus are having to go through this ... esp at Christmas time. I have no advice ... just warm hopes that you can get it all sorted out ...

Posted by: joy at December 17, 2007 06:31 PM (KllT5)

16 Long time lurker here popping in for the 2nd ever post. I totally share your pain and frustration on this one--been there, done that, still doing that at times too. Stay strong. You and Angus are doing the right thing for the kids by not stooping to the swunt's level. It's SO hard not to play that game, but it is infinitely worth it. Even though it may not seem possible, the kids WILL eventually see thru her manipulation and evilness, and they will make the discovery all by themselves. The hardest part is to sit there and watch it all happen. (Perhaps voodoo dolls or more wine in the meantime?) In similar times, I've always relied on the fact is that Karma really is a bitch, and that kind of evilness will definitely come back to bite the giver.

Posted by: Jenn at December 17, 2007 07:17 PM (S+6ZE)

17 i learned long ago to never underestimate the fucking bullshit that a manipulator like the Swunt will pull out of their selfish ass. I love you babe, just be strong and enjoy your time with the babies. Tell A I think he's a rock star as a Dad. Someday Jeff will appreciate how much he means to both of you.

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 17, 2007 07:26 PM (hQNjm)

18 I've said it before and I'll say it again The armour for Angus and yourself from me is this: Kids are very resilient and very smart. The hard part is getting through this "using a parent against the other" routine which, btw is very, very normal but is now twisted to the point of ridiculousness by the actions of Birth Mother. Since she cannot and WILL NOT see the damage her actions is causing, the best you can do is realize that the children will realize who's being crafty and who's telling the truth who loves them unconditionally and who's just looking out for themselves (after all, didn't you?) and when that day comes, you and Angus will have to be prepared for the emotions then. It's not an easy road - granted - but I'm proud of you for being so strong and thinking of their feelings over your own. I'm not so sure I could be that adult about it. Hang in there. Time is on your side. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it is. Hugs and love,

Posted by: Margi at December 17, 2007 07:26 PM (KF0g8)

19 Having no experience in this arena, all I have to offer are virtual hugs and hope that all will right itself. Thinking of all of you...

Posted by: kim at December 17, 2007 07:39 PM (AYKVy)

20 My father pulled this same kind of Swunt business throughout my childhood. It IS destructive. The good news is that eventually the kids see through it and it backfires nastily on the perpetrator. It is miserable right now, though, and I'm terribly sorry that you're on the receiving end. Wave at Los Angeles when you're in Seattle; I'll be waving back!

Posted by: uccellina at December 17, 2007 08:33 PM (emYvd)

21 Looks very bleak dealing with the SWUNT and the emotional blackmail and other damage she inflicts upon Jeff, Melissa, you, Angus and too many others to mention. However: the love you, Angus and your families lavish on each other and the children will eventually payoff. Just last week I asked my daughter to pick up some photos and slides from my SC version of the SWUNT ( try writing that acromyn) who is daughter's mother next time she goes to Columbia. Daughter told me she had not been to Columbia in four years. SWUNT will reap what she has sown. So will you. Hang in there. You and your family are in my thoughts daily. My best

Posted by: Charles at December 17, 2007 10:53 PM (gHAtb)

22 I can only imagine what this last minute flight to Sweden does to a household that should be filled with joy over the babies' first Christmas. With their big brother and sister 'helping' them opening their presents. I admire your ability to see through Jeff's moods and acts. Not to blame him for all this. I really hope Angus can settle things and tell both Jeff and Melissa that they can never be replaced by younger siblings. That he needs them too. I really feel for all of you, hope it turns out good (enough).

Posted by: Vita at December 17, 2007 11:42 PM (sQEH6)

23 As many others have pointed out, and I'm sure you know, you and Angus are going about this the right way, the SWUNT is...not (to say the least). I agree that the kids will realize that and I hope it's sooner rather than later. I have a feeling that Angus going to see Jeff will make a big difference. I hope Jeff sees it as an expression of how much his father loves him. His dad is willing to drop everything and fly to another country to make sure that he's okay, he loves him so much. I hope it reassures Jeff of his importance. And hell yes, anyone who tries to blame anything on the babies can Fuck. Right. Off.

Posted by: Laura at December 18, 2007 02:44 AM (FFBkP)

24 Good luck to you and Angus in this difficult time with Jeff. That mother is a real pain the the you know what, isn't she? She sounds like she needs lots of help, although she will be the first to deny that. I hope you all come through this okay. I am really sorry that you have to go through this, you certainly don't deserve it. Take good care of yourself and the babies!

Posted by: Irene at December 18, 2007 04:22 AM (RL+iu)

25 Well that sucks big old donkey balls. uccellina said: The good news is that eventually the kids see through it and it backfires nastily on the perpetrator. Yes. This is true. Believe in this; it might seem small comfort now but I wish back when my kids had turned their backs on me and I was so crushed by it that I had known they would see the truth about their dad later on. And they did and they do. {{{{hugs}}}}

Posted by: The other Amber at December 18, 2007 04:44 PM (zQE5D)

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