A cool mum-to-be I know sent me the following email, which I think was appropriate enough to include here:

Rules of Pregnancy

1. The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you a jerk.

2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents or other family. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby"

3. On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in #2, the pregnancy, birth and the raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.

4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someones stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5. Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about to pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!"

6. Most of us have picked up on the fact that summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We donÂ’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

7. There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, mother-in-law or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt or genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.

8. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are not invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. you do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". if your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9. If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from various locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10. The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask you to wait 3 weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

OK, let's talk about numbers 4 and 5, shall we?

About the weight - I've had a few people comment on my size now. I'm at that stage where I am very obviously pregnant now. I'm not in that ambiguous "does she need to lay off the chocolate Pop-Tarts or not?" stage, no one will confuse me with someone who went to a Harlem Globetrotters game and swallowed the game ball. I'm pregnant. It shows. There are all kinds of opinions about how much weight a woman should gain or not. I'm 6 months in and have gained 20 pounds. When I read that the average twin pregnancy should include 50 pounds of weight gain, I nearly wept. No, scratch that. I did weep. When I met my movie buddy Lloyd, he laughed at me and said I was enormous and should clearly only gain 5 pounds, no one needs to gain 50 pounds.

I refrained from smacking Lloyd as hard as I could and telling him that until he carried something the size of a bowling ball around his two intestines, he should keep his fucking mouth shut.

I did not share my popcorn with him, however.

I get loads of comments. I'm actually not that big I don't think, other women having twins - and some of women with just 1 baby - look bigger than I do, maybe because I'm a taller chick with a ribcage that Pavarotti would admire, so I can pack away a lot of baby in here. People insist on commenting on my size, and it really pisses me off. I'm pregnant, capisce? Don't go around telling me how big I am, I don't go up to you and tell you to ensure you don't have a monobrow, do I? Angus made the fatal error of calling me to the phone the other day with the term of endearment "Fat Girl". He was joking, of course. But clue drama of Faye Dunaway style and you'll understand my reaction to being called that term (he apologized and promised to not call me that again, which is good because I'd hate to ratchet my diva dial all the way up on high already.)

If you see a pregnant chick, just tell her she looks good. Even if she looks like shit. Lie, people. Just lie.

About number 4 - I can't reiterate it enough: Don't rub a pregnant woman's stomach without asking her first. Just don't do it. We are not Buddha. We are not a genie, we cannot grant you 3 wishes. We are not Care Bears who will make your very bestest wish come true. We are carrying babies and feeling a bit self-conscious about it in general, thanks. I get it that people want to "be one with the energy" or to be a part of it, but it's patronizing in the extreme. So far, I have had my stomach rubbed by seven people. Seven. In a very uncomfortable moment, I had to meet with an external company and one of my bosses came in to the meeting and joined. He introduced himself and me. Then he - I still can't believe this myself - told the table that I'm a top project manager who always delivers what he tells me to, even going above and beyond the call of duty, and to emphasize his point he patted my stomach.

I sat there with a frozen expression on my face. You'd think I was being pleasant. Inside, I'd turned into a verbal Rambo.

I'm sure some women don't mind it, there are women that no doubt feel ok or even connected about people touching them. I don't like people touching my stomach when I'm not knocked up (I need a sec to suck it in, after all), why would I be ok about emphasizing the point that I can no longer see my beaver? If women love you to touch their pregnant stomachs, I'm sure they'll tell you. They may even be the ones with the shirt saying "Bun in the Oven", with that big arrow pointing towards their crotch.

Some of the stomach touchers - like Jeff, who not only touches my stomach but thinks that my navel is a loudspeaker through which he should talk in order to be broadcast into the Lemonheads comfy 1970's-style den - are on the ok list for touching me. Angus would have full clearance to touch my stomach, only he's more likely to rub his hand across the stovetop seconds after sizzling up some fajitas. Another person who's ok for touching me is this guy:

My Dad, who phoned on Thursday and told me that the airline he works for asked him to pilot in a flight to London for an overnight stay, and could he come see us?

Of course he could. We were ecstatic, including Granddog Gorby, who thinks my dad is the best thing since sliced dog biscuits. So my dad came, had dinner and stayed overnight with us, and yes he touched my stomach, but he's one of the few with a hall pass.

But he did comment on how big I'm getting, which necessitated an ass-kicking.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:19 AM | Comments (27) | Add Comment
Post contains 1463 words, total size 8 kb.

1 You are effing hilarious and I love the way you write about these topics! I will never forget the day my female (childless) boss, poked me in the 7 month pregnant belly with her pointy finger to illustrate something she was talking to me about, in the toilet, at the office, after she had gone to the toilet, and before she had washed her hands! Nice......

Posted by: Sarah at July 10, 2007 06:19 AM (/i+3p)

2 Hi Helen! I hope you don't mind, but I have a friend who just opened an online baby/mum shop. Thought you might be interested: www.pickleandboo.co.uk.

Posted by: Juls at July 10, 2007 06:27 AM (Q03JQ)

3 My sister had big problems with #9 when my mother went to help her after each child was born. Every phone call I recieved from my sister started with "Do you know what your mother did to me today" and preceded with "I'm ready to send her back on the next flight". Turns out having your mother around is more of a pain in the ass then actual child birth.... Who knew.

Posted by: Heidi at July 10, 2007 06:42 AM (7KDfj)

4 As always Helen, you look beautiful abs xxxx

Posted by: abs at July 10, 2007 08:13 AM (pejJ8)

5 Knowing nothing about pregnant women, I have now engraved the above rules in my memory for all time.

Posted by: Hannah at July 10, 2007 08:56 AM (lUH62)

6 Helen, you look fantastic! =) (And I'm not just saying that to be nice.)

Posted by: Amanda at July 10, 2007 12:20 PM (ay+rD)

7 What? You mean the tickets I bought are FAKE?? I'm suing Ticketmaster!! Seriously, I've found that in general, it's the people without children who do the stupid things. I would add one more thing to the list: -If you visit, keep it SHORT during the first few months unless you're helping out by making a meal, or cleaning house. Mom and baby(ies) are tired. Their rest is more important than your entertainment. As the father, I found that one of my primary functions was too shoo away well meaning but obnoxious visitors so that my wife and baby could sleep.

Posted by: ~Easy at July 10, 2007 12:26 PM (X+de8)

8 I have a short list of people who are allowed to touch me as well. At times I know when people who are not on that list are about to rub my belly and have grabbed their hand before it reaches me making for an awkward moment for them. Up until a couple of weeks ago I would let comments about my size slide. That was until one day when it was hot, really really hot and I was cranky, really really cranky a jack-ass in the local coffee shop said I looked like I was about to pop. My comment back to him ... "Do I look like a zit to you?" Stunned silence. Then he asked if I wanted decaf or regular. You look fantabulous H. I'll let you rub my belly if I can rub yours

Posted by: Anita at July 10, 2007 01:01 PM (pTsT0)

9 Yes, yes, a million times yes. I never got past the "does she need to lay off the chocolate pop tarts" phase (delivering at 25w3d - not recommended, incidentally) and was actually having a bit of fun messing with some folks in my department by not saying anything and letting them wonder, so I was not tormented by random strangers touching my stomach, but I'm pretty sure I would have hauled off and slugged anyone who did. And you DO look fabulous. I found you via one of your progress pictures that was on interestingness on Flickr. I think pregnant women, all pregnant women, are BEAUTIFUL.

Posted by: Sarah at July 10, 2007 01:03 PM (MJivL)

10 Just to defend the childless a bit, I hate being touched by strangers and I would never in a million years attempt to touch a stranger's pregnant belly. In fact, I don't want to touch anyone's belly, and if you make me I will inwardly cringe.

Posted by: geeky at July 10, 2007 01:04 PM (ziVl9)

11 Ha-ha to number five. It always cracks me up that woman get sensitive about their looks & weight when pregnant. The reality is guys (who don’t like guys) don’t think pregnant women look “fabulous”. Pregnant women look hot and you my dear are looking very fricking hot. Cheers to your Angus, he’s one lucky bastard.

Posted by: Mr. Dobbs at July 10, 2007 01:29 PM (WzwJX)

12 I found this shirt for you at Cafe Press... It says, "Hands off the bump" http://www.cafepress.com/buy/maternity+shirts+pregnancy/-/pv_design_details/pg_1/id_11172100/opt_/fpt_/c_360/

Posted by: impossiblejane at July 10, 2007 01:50 PM (eihy3)

13 Funny stuff Helen. The Super-Model gained 40lbs or more in all 3 of her pregnancies, and she never had twins. You really do look good, and you know my policy on lying... The Super-Model and I are wrestling with points 7 & 8. Her parents showed up two weeks before the baby was born and went everywhere with her. EVERYWHERE!! I really like my in-laws, but Mrs. Solomon needed some alone time. They're still with us 18 days after showing up. They do help though...that's good. The Solomons have a brand new baby boy!!! He was born Friday, July 6th, and was 8lbs 7oz and 21 inches. Just wanted to share the good news.

Posted by: Solomon at July 10, 2007 02:52 PM (al5Ou)

14 I'll pile on. You DO look great, and very healthy. Looks like Gorby and your Dad had a good time. I'm glad he could drop in!

Posted by: caltechgirl at July 10, 2007 03:39 PM (qPLLC)

15 I love that picture; that is such a GREAT picture! The yard and your Dad and Gorby and you looking so happy. And you really do look great! Not just blowing sunshine up your ass here. I gained 60 pounds with my first and a whopping 70 pounds with second. Each time I lost it all and fit back in my "skinny" jeans within months. So don't worry.

Posted by: The other Amber at July 10, 2007 03:43 PM (zQE5D)

16 You do look great. I propose an 11th rule - no uninvited sharing of negative delivery-room experiences (yours or someone elses) with the pregnant lady. Good stories - ok. For example, I had a colleague who (really, not making this up) slept through her first child's labor and was woken up by the nurse in time to push.

Posted by: suze at July 10, 2007 04:08 PM (0doyF)

17 What a great picture... and, yes, you look FABULOUS! Honest. Glad your Dad got to stop by. What a great surprise.

Posted by: sue at July 10, 2007 04:18 PM (WbfZD)

18 Erm, sorry, I seem to have inadvertently broken number 5 while trying to be complimentary. I was jealous over having gained 50 lbs while carrying one, not trying to imply you hadn't gained enough. I promise it won't happen again. You really do look amazing - fit, healthy, and glowing. Hooray for a visit from your Dad! I'm glad he was able to come stay overnight with you. I laughed out loud at the description of Jeff talking through your belly button into the Lemonheads' den. Cute visual. I love the shirt someone posted a link to as well.

Posted by: Lisa at July 10, 2007 05:23 PM (e8V7B)

19 Lisa-I promise you didn't upset me. This was "real world" stuff, honest! Although I DO like Suze's number 11, no nightmare delivery stories (seriously, never a good idea to tell to a woman who's going to be facing that.) And Solomon-congratulations. Honest!

Posted by: Helen at July 10, 2007 06:07 PM (OR0rC)

20 You would not randomly touch someones stomach if they were not pregnant... You don't know me very well, do you? Seriously though, I only touched the stomachs of family members and close friends. Even then, I asked first. As for #5, I love how pregnant women look. My wife used to complain, "I'm fat." "Honey, you're not fat: you're pregnant. And you look magnificent." So Helen, will you smack me if I give you a mental belly rub from across the pond? You look absolutely adorable as a mom to be.

Posted by: physics geek at July 10, 2007 07:46 PM (MT22W)

21 The proper comment is "you're glowing!" 'cause you are.

Posted by: B. Durbin at July 11, 2007 02:49 AM (tie24)

22 A willow, You are a willow, swaying in the wind. ha- that is a quote from Night Shift, only the bestest movie ever from Michael Keaton. except that that line was said by Henry Winkler to his girlfriend... funny....I guess you had to be there..

Posted by: j.m at July 11, 2007 05:18 AM (TsXw6)

23 Thanks Helen. I saw him smile for the first time today...what a glorious sight. I look forward to you seeing that for the first time in a few months. I also look forward to baby posts and am pretty sure your other friends do too.

Posted by: Solomon at July 11, 2007 01:20 PM (x+GoF)

24 I only had 2 instances of people touching my stomach uninvited while pregnant -- both were coworkers. One touched it in a motherly way that didn't bother me. The other POKED it. Hard.

Posted by: Dotty at July 11, 2007 06:48 PM (KJE2B)

25 I was lucky enough to avoid most of the offenses when carrying my son. I got a couple that made me want to shove my foot up someone's nostril...but nothing too serious. My sister in-law however, was finishing up her last week at work, in her 39th and then some week of pregnancy and a woman said to her, "You MUST be having a girl...you know because girls steal your beauty." That woman is lucky she got away with her life.

Posted by: Kathy at July 11, 2007 08:51 PM (3gHjo)

26 AMEN to those rules! Especially #7

Posted by: Sara at July 12, 2007 08:23 PM (QKW+c)

27 We asked people to wait three weeks before visiting, it came as a shock to the recipients I think. Nevertheless, they respected our wishes. You look lovely in this photograph, so relaxed and happy. I'm glad your Dad could stay with you and enjoy each other's company. K from Australia

Posted by: Kikimiss at July 13, 2007 08:55 PM (Yv8ja)

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