One of the projects I am running has a team of engineers installing equipment in a very dark physical location. I imagine what it's like to be in their space sometimes, and when I imagine it, I can feel it all. The spark of the drill as they lay it on the stone. The sound of their work boots grating on the metal ladder. The intensity of the work that they do, and the pitch black in which they do it.

That darkness, that's what I've been feeling.

Jeff has been poisoned by his mother.

It was a house of cards all day. Jeff would alternate between clearly being very uncomfortable with me to being his usual self around me. He changed from being gung ho on his last visit to no, he most definitely did not want to see Harry Potter in the theatre with me. Even though I bunked off work to watch TV with him, he still struggled. It was fragile all day, with Jeff reacting negatively to things with a swift response, to a jutting lip with all the hallmarks of "Oh no, why can't I?" written all over it. I bought him a computer game last week, it should arrive tomorrow. His reaction was complete disdain and dismissal, when ordinarily a computer game would be brilliant fun and he'd give me chapter and verse of how fun it actually was. I feel like a complete idiot for even trying.

It all went horribly wrong this afternoon. Jeff had dragged out the Nintendo GameCube and was playing on it, when as a joke Angus stood in front of the screen. Jeff's reaction was to throw the controller across the room and go into a right temper tantrum. We tolerated it for a while, but when he banged up the stairs and slammed the door upstairs, it was all too much for Angus.

The house of cards came tumbling down.

Angus went tearing up the stairs and a blistering argument could be heard. Melissa came flying downstairs and she and Gorby and I shut ourselves in the study to continue the Helen purge as I blitzed the bookcases of their wares, all bound for charity. Melissa and I have been getting on very, very well since our heart to heart talk in Scotland, which I'll tell you about later. It seems to have resolved something between us, and now we sit easily in each others' lives.

We whispered back and forth in the study. She wanted to know what was going on. I told her I was worried that maybe her mother had been feeling very hurt, and perhaps Jeff had absorbed a lot of it and it was affecting him negatively. We talked about the tickets we've booked for them to fly out in September, and how we all thought Jeff was going to refuse to come visit.

Melissa, Gorby and I stayed in the study all afternoon.

Angus and Jeff came to some kind of happy conclusion and they disappeared to the shops for a long while, during which Melissa and I watched a film (Babel. Very weird. Very, very weird.) When they returned we were the proud owners of a Nintendo Wii (perfectly fine with me, although I do want to invoice the Swunt for it) and two much better moods were had by the menfolk. Jeff was clinging to Angus in every way, and it felt like he didn't really want to talk to either Melissa or I. Jeff did speak to me though, and even told me he'd bought me my favorite fruit smoothie mix. I had high hopes.

But it was clear that there was some fragility to it all, some wisp of walking a tenacious tightrope. There were signs that cracks were still larger than the Grand Canyon - he wouldn't meet my eyes when I offered him a chest of drawers that we have for his things. I feel very definitely that he doesn't want to be around me.

Jeff and I have been friends for some time now, as Melissa and her father have always been extremely close and the introduction of me was hard for her. Jeff was the one on the motor bike with me in the Cook Islands. He and I spent all our time together in Mexico. We laugh like idiots to episodes of The Simpsons. He drives me crazy sometimes and he's so sensitive that you get headaches watching what you say to him, but I care about him. He's become a large part of what I know.

Angus curled up beside me in bed and told me, finally, of some of the talks that were had earlier.

And it's for that reason that at 2 am - despite being bone-weary tired, despite needing more rest than I ever have needed in my life before - that I can't sleep.

Jeff won't tell Angus exactly what's going on, but Angus has done some basic 1+1=2. What basically seems to have occurred is in the past week that Melissa has been here, the Swunt has really gone for it. It appears I have been painted as the worst kind of human being imaginable - dangerous, cruel, home-wrecking, devastating, evil, what have you. I am the epitome of bad, and it seems a lot of emphasis has been put on the "she's dangerous and crazy" side of me. A lot of damage was done to Angus as well, but as his father and with their history, he's weathering it pretty well.

And Jeff's struggling with it, but it seems like he's buying it.

It makes me want to go to bed and not come back out for a long, long while.

Jeff said that Angus could fix all this, but he wouldn't like the suggestion Jeff has for fixing it. Angus did more digging, and it is strongly suggested that perhaps what Jeff was alluding to is that we need to get rid of the babies.

Perhaps more than him fearing me, that hurts the most.

Jeff has always been the biggest fan of the Lemonheads since he found out about them. He talked about them the most, and he even talked to them the most, using my stomach as his microphone. He's the only one to talk to them, apart from me. He was so keen on them it lifted me up each and every time he visited.

But not anymore. Regardless of if Angus' assumption about getting rid of the babies is right or not, it's very definite that the Lemonheads are viewed with distinct darkness on Jeff's part. Now, thanks to the damage, he's on the same list as I feel everyone else is on-the Lemonheads are a problem. They're something to dread. They're the wreckers of all that was good. Angus' family fear them for the upset they cause to his ex. My dad gets in trouble with my estranged family for caring too much about his unborn grandbabies, and I'm always conscious of that and of how wrong it seems to be for him to love them. Now Jeff views them as something bad and actually took real exception to giving up his room for them temporarily (until his room is done in the extension), a complete change from his previous stance. It makes me feel like I am sinking, and sinking fast.

Angus has spent the day telling Jeff how much he loves him and always will, no matter what. How nothing changes emotionally in this house, there will simply be two more people here. How I'm not dangerous or crazy but just quirky and different, but that I care about Jeff and Melissa a lot. This will be a mantra he will repeat all Friday and Saturday, until they leave. Angus and Jeff are running errands tomorrow while I take Melissa to the movies. Angus is working as All Hands on Deck trying to salvage his son's soul, and I will lie low and simply support from the background.

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to hug Angus close and tell him I'm so sorry, so sorry for all of it, so sorry for him and for Jeff and for Melissa. I've ruined everything and I'm so sorry.

I want to get in touch with the Swunt and tell her - You're his mother. Always, you always will be. You have his undying love and loyalty, and that's how it should be. I am not a threat to his affection for you. I will never try to take your kids from you. Of course you worry I may try to replace you, if Angus ever left me I'd worry about that with our kids, but I promise you I respect and support you as their mother. I am so sorry that you hurt, I really am. We show you nothing but respect in front of the kids in this house, we would never degrade you before them. We don't have to like each other, but we don't have to hurt your kids due to our issues. You are his mother and his heart, I will never, ever try to take that away from you. BUT YOU HAVE TO STOP POISONING YOUR CHILDREN, YOU ANGRY, HURTING BITCH.

We're now on reassurance mode to try to make sure that Angus doesn't lose his son. The relationship between Angus and Jeff is much better after their talk (and the Nintendo Wii doesn't hurt, either), but it's clear Jeff is very uncomfortable around me. I would sit down with Jeff and try to talk to him, but he's someone that you have to approach as slowly as you would a spooked horse. Things go into him and they go deep, you have to tread carefully and he has to be in the right frame of mind. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have never met anyone as sensitive (or as stubborn) as he is. It's because of his sensitivity that I think his mother's actions are so heinous.

This is not about me. This is about a 10 year-old boy and his feelings. I don't want this for him. I don't want this for Angus. I don't want this for any of us.

I cried myself nearly to sleep before giving up on slumber and coming here to write it all out. I don't even want to write about it, I'm sure you're as sick of reading it as I am of living it, but all I can do is toss and turn and long for the kind of emotional freedom I can only get in a pill form, but sleeping tablets and tranquilizers are out so all I can do is sit here in the dark and hope a little boy can look into his heart and hold on to his father, because his father will save him if he only lets him.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:20 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment
Post contains 1862 words, total size 10 kb.

1 Gah. Kids. Come. First. Period. Period. Period.

Posted by: B. Durbin at August 17, 2007 01:48 AM (tie24)

2 I am so sorry.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at August 17, 2007 02:01 AM (0Pi1o)

3 I'm so sorry that your family is having to go through this. I hope that time will bring you guys back to a good place. I think kids are able to see the truth of things so I think if you just keep on respecting his need for space and otherwise keep on being the Helen he knows and loves. He'll come around.

Posted by: donna at August 17, 2007 02:22 AM (Kco5r)

4 I am so sorry that you have to deal with such a bitter and hateful human being such as her. What kind of mother takes out her bitterness on the kids? Jesus. That woman needs therapy and she needs to get over herself. Poor, sweet Jeff. She's going to end up destroying him if this keeps up. Oh, Helen, I simply ache for you for all the hell you and Angus and the kids are going through with her.

Posted by: Lisa at August 17, 2007 03:01 AM (IrpiZ)

5 This all just sucks. Instead of having a happy pregnancy you're stressed out all the time. This isn't good for you and it isn't good for the babies. I know Angus is reassuring the kids over an over again that they are not being replaced in any sense - this is a great thing, btw as I felt completely replaced by my dad's new wife and her 2 perfect kids. Angus really does need to sit down and talk to his ex-wife. She's hurting their kids, his future wife, and your children. Yeah, she's lost in a whole shitload of pain and anger right now - but who the fuck is the adult here? I know, I know, don't rip on the Swunt, but she needs to move on already. I get angry reading what you're going through. It really doesn't feel like there's a whole lot of support for you there. Are Angus' parents at all excited about the babies? You're the pregnant chick .. the world is supposed to revolve around you for just a little bit. After the babies make their entrance it starts to revolve around them. I think a trip to a day spa is in order very very soon. Sorry for my rant ... I just want to wrap you up in a couple of feet of bubble wrap and protect you.

Posted by: Michele at August 17, 2007 03:28 AM (h1vml)

6 Wishing I could wrap my arms around you and keep you safe and protected. Warm thoughts are being sent your way, dear Helen.

Posted by: Mia at August 17, 2007 03:50 AM (VQeEi)

7 I sincerely hope that the Lemonheads are welcomed and celebrated (by everyone around you) when they are born, just as every child should be. Just curious- why does your father's family have a negative attitude toward you and the babies?? I feel bad for Jeff and all he's dealing with. The swunt needs to grow up. Although, having been on the other side of this situation, I know there are 2 sides to every story. I guess we'd all agree that the important thing is that Jeff doesn't need to be the one who listens to all of the negative talk about you. Hope things get better. Meg

Posted by: Meg at August 17, 2007 04:00 AM (DMnkh)

8 It sucks that she's doing this to them. That she's able to damage them in the way that she is. Once the babies are here, I hate to say this, because I know your situation is much much different from mine, but I can tell you one thing, that you will stop at nothing to protect them. You want Melissa and Jeff to want to be included, but if the swunt keeps up her shit and your kids are treated as red headed step children by everyone else because of that, you won't stand for it. For your own flesh and blood, you'll curb stomp necks and break knees. I can't even tell you the feeling, because you have to experience it. I never thought I'd get it, being so fucking German and all. They'll be celebrated. Even if it doesn't feel like that right now. And you have every right to be a mother. Every right.

Posted by: statia at August 17, 2007 04:02 AM (lHsKN)

9 that crazy fucking bitch. Ok. Sorry. That wasn't productive. I feel so bad for Jeff. The kid must be out of his mind confused and scared... I wish I could say something that would help. Just keep showing him you care as best you can, guess. I'm here for all of you. Thinking of you guys, and sending hugs for all of you.

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 17, 2007 04:22 AM (IfXtw)

10 damn. so sorry, love. sending as many positive thoughts and virtual hugs your way as i can. i hope that jeff comes around. he's probably a bit too young to see what his mum is doing. i hope angus helps him see a little more. big hugs.

Posted by: becky at August 17, 2007 05:34 AM (gxmeq)

11 Oh, how awful. I hope, hope, hope, everything works out and Jeff starts to come around again. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Posted by: Elisa at August 17, 2007 07:52 AM (NWmFg)

12 Oh helen, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know it doesn't help, but your cyber friends are excited for you and the lemonheads and I wish you nothing but goodness and happiness. I hope Angus can help Jeff to understand abit more in the days you've got left together before he goes home. I have no advice but plenty of love and good thoughts being sent your way. Big hugs and a kiss for the lemonheads.

Posted by: Suzie at August 17, 2007 08:15 AM (YqqaU)

13 This sounds horrible, Helen, and worse, horribly difficult to negotiate. My sympathies. My only thought is that there is time. I know the Lemonheads'll be here soon and all, but I mean in the long-term, really, if Jeff can't get his head around this right now, then it's not necessarily the end of the world. He may just need time and space, time and space for him to see that you're not crazy and dangerous, and to get his head around his mum's hurt, and to realise that things changing doesn't just mean towards badness. This isn't to say it's not horribly hard right now, please don't think that, but the thing that always astonishes me about difficult situations is that they do, actually, change. (Even if all that changes is our ability to cope with them!) Don't forget the intertoobs are totally rooting for these bubs! Whatever the Swunt might be suggesting (via Jeff), the world wants your sweet kids in it!

Posted by: WildlyParenthetical at August 17, 2007 08:40 AM (rG4u9)

14 ".....I've ruined everything..." NO,NO,NO,NO, Helen, you didn't ruin anything. The swunt did, and I think it can be put to rights with time and patience.

Posted by: kenju at August 17, 2007 11:29 AM (TiGru)

15 My god. I can't even imagine walking the tight rope that is your life right now. Really. I can't. I have to say that honestly I don't think I would have the restraint to not ask Angus to call the Swunt up and lay it all down for her. That being said, I applaud you for the way you are holding strong, and I wish that your biggest "stress" was sorting thru all the baby wears you've gotten instead of the negetivity. I'm also a bit angry that his family isn't supportive of the lemon heads, given that Angus is the father. If my brother were to leave his wife (and I wasn't supportive of that decision) I would still be supportive of him as a person, including if he became a father again. I can't understand the mentalitly behind his family, yes Angus left his wife for you, but that's neither here or now anymore. It is what it is, deal with what is there now, and that is you and Angus, the lemonheads and of course Jeff and Melissa. I don't mean to rant, but really, I can't understand the rational. How can 'they' not see the damage that the negitivity is causing on Melissa and Jeff? There is no way that can't be obvious. Again, I'm impressed with your strong hold right now, and it just continues to prove that you will be an excellent mom to the lemon heads. My thoughts are with you and the family.

Posted by: Angela at August 17, 2007 11:47 AM (DGWM7)

16 I think the whole lot of them need therapy. The anger is doing no one any good. It hurts me so much that you keep saying that the Lemonheads caused this. No, they didn't! So it was okay without the babies? What, they thought you were temporary without the babies? I've seen babies welcomed into worse situations. The babies aren't the problem - it's everyone else. These babies didn't just happen. Angus is the last one who shouldn't be completely thrilled at their existence as he was beside you through the treatments. He decided he wanted these babies before that time and it's too late for him to decide otherwise now so I hope that he is being COMPLETELY supportive of them. As for Jeff, his mom can talk all she wants but eventually he'll see the reality is that you're not crazy and dangerous. That's when he'll realize his mother was poisoning him. It may not happen for quite some time but when it does happen, she'll be the one paying the price. Just stay the course.

Posted by: paula at August 17, 2007 12:08 PM (FlZPw)

17 I'm so sorry. I can't believe what the Swunt is doing to her kids and that Angus' family can't see her for what she really is. Hang in there.

Posted by: selzach at August 17, 2007 12:30 PM (Lbc4A)

18 I wonder if Jeff was suggesting Angus could fix it all by getting back together with his ex. The couple of friends I knew growing up whose parents got divorced always wanted them to get back together. That issue may need addressing. Maybe that's what the ex was hoping for until the Lemonheads. As Michele said, the world is supposed to revolve around the mom-to-be for 9 months. I'm sorry it's not for you. When the baby arrives (or in this case babies), people often come to their senses and realize the children are more important than petty differences. I hope that happens for you when your children are born...if not sooner.

Posted by: Solomon at August 17, 2007 12:56 PM (al5Ou)

19 I'm so sorry you are having to deal with the Swunt's bullshit. And that's what it is, period. Utter bullshit. I just simply don't understand how some parents can do that to their children. No matter her issues, the kids should not have to deal with them. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. My stepkids have a piece of work mother, but nothing like you are having to deal with. All I can say is give him time. Kids are sharp. He really will come around. It may take some time, but the proof is in the pudding. They will see the great person you are, and how right it is that you and Angus are bringing these two beautiful children into the world. Just keep treading lightly, letting him know through your actions that it will all be okay, and he will come around.

Posted by: Sarah at August 17, 2007 01:15 PM (F0r2B)

20 Augh. Using kids as pawns in adult problems is NEVER EVER ok. NEVER. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all this shit rather than getting ready for the Lemonheads' arrival. And you're right, there's really nothing you can do - this is something that's beyond your control, which of course only makes it suck even more big donkey balls. How are you feeling physically?

Posted by: Sarah at August 17, 2007 01:20 PM (j3Gwh)

21 Ugh. I've been Jeff. Without the Lemonheads, but still. My mother ripped apart every woman in every relationship my fater had after her...it was ugly. I think - keep in mind that the basis of your relationship with Jeff is already built. Even if he's a bit prickly right now - BEFORE HE LEAVES - Find a way to tell him you love him, and that that will not change with the babies come. Just be who you've always been for him - and eventually his mothers words will ring false. And maybe find some special way for him to have his own space. I think that's how she got him - you're moving him out. But I think you'll see him change when his baby brother and baby sister are there. I really, really do.

Posted by: Tracy at August 17, 2007 01:54 PM (0rzA0)

22 Hon. You didn't ruin everything. You and Angus made a choice. Additionally, I don't see the babies as a destructive dangerous thing. I know I don't live there - but girl, once you get those babies out of you, things are going to change. I love them already, and want to send them lots of gifts and toys and love, and I'm so excited for you. I know it's hard to remain excited, but it'll work out. I know you don't like all that froufrou pregnancy stuff... but just put your hand over your twins. Take a deep breath. Feel them move. Everything is going to work out.

Posted by: Jen(aside) at August 17, 2007 02:09 PM (ZrteK)

23 Well, I'm not "tired" of reading about it. This is your LIFE for god's sake. I didn't read all the comments; no time but...I know it's hard but try to be the Helen he's always known, even when he's being all tantrum-y. Try to stay open and loving even when he isn't. Don't let him walk all over you or anything...just maintain YOU even if he isn't doing the dance you always did together. This is the way it will be with the Lemonheads too at times; when they hit adolescence, or at times before that. They will pit you and Angus against one another, they will run down the hall screaming "I hate you!" and it will drive a knife clear through your gut even though your head will tell you it's "just kids being kids". Think of this as good practice; when the Lemonheads get to that point, you'll be an expert! *smiles* Remember too that Angus' ex may very well have said *directly* to Jeff that he and his sister won't be loved as much by you after your babies come. That would also account for why Jeff has pulled away; fear of rejection. Here he has this great stepmom he enjoys a warm relationship with and the twins are going to take that away from him. Give him time. The more you are YOU, the more he will be able to relax. Don't overdo it; just be yourself. This will calm him more than anything else (I know I'm being redundant, but really, it's so important that you maintain consistency as much as possible right now for him.) Big hugs to you all. I know you are hurting deeply right now.

Posted by: The other Amber at August 17, 2007 03:04 PM (zQE5D)

24 I second what statia said, every word. Try to keep positive (as you have been from the start) and things WILL work out. You did NOT RUIN ANYTHING. Babies come all the time, girl, and they neither fix nor do they break things. They just are. And as loving and giving and generous as you are, Jeff will see that. He's been wounded, but he's a smart child. Hang in there. Remember to take care of yourself in all this flurry of everyone else's emotions. Mkay?

Posted by: Margi at August 17, 2007 03:20 PM (FjDuo)

25 I think everyone has already said it quite well. I'll just send my love.

Posted by: sue at August 17, 2007 03:37 PM (WbfZD)

26 I think it's way past time that Angus sat down both with his family and with his ex and had some serious discussions. It is absolutely unacceptable to me that everyone around you is making you feel you've done something wrong by loving Angus and wanting a family with him. You are going to be a wonderful mother, and it's sad that the people around you every day can't see it as clearly as the many people who read this site daily. While I know it's not the same as having a smiling face there to share a cheese plate with and gush about all things baby, I hope you know just how many people out here on the web are in your corner. Hugs babe.

Posted by: amy t. at August 17, 2007 03:44 PM (3dOTd)

27 Just be who you are and who you have always been with kids. I'd say just ignore his tantrums and treat him like you always have. Don't get yourself so stressed out that you are treading on eggshells constantly afraid to do or say anything. Consistancy (i've found anyways) is what kids are looking for. If the way you treat him and Melissa doesn't change and you are the same person you have always been that smart little boy will work it out on his own.

Posted by: Lostdawill at August 17, 2007 05:06 PM (mmdTB)

28 I agree with everyone here, and this bites big time that she would create these issues for her children. When my dad met my stepmother, she spent years trashtalking my mother, to the point that I dreaded visiting my own mother and sister. When my mother gave up custody of me, I felt like the world's most horrible child because I knew I should be upset, but all Ifelt was relieved that I would no longer have the stress of seeing my mother (who never hurt me in any way) and having to report every word back to my stepmom. You have walked on eggshells around her for so long - what good is that doing? You have done the nice, mature thing for the kids' benefit, and the kids are being hurt anyway. So maybe you need to do the not-so-nice mature thing, and talk to her about the consequences of her selfishness. Because it seems like no-one else is going to call her on it, and the kids NEED her to get called out. You don't know me, and I only know you via your writing, so I feel a little weird giving you such personal advice, but Jeff really needs some sane adult to step in and put the brakes on this crapola, because a few days of reassurance cannot make up for the constant barrage of hate, especially coming from someone with such authority in his life.

Posted by: usagi at August 17, 2007 05:49 PM (u5CNR)

29 I'm so sorry. Gah. People suck. You are keeping a marvelous attitude. I know you feel like you're hanging on by a frayed thread, but you ARE hanging on, and you're doing the right, best things with Jeff. AND Melissa. AND Angus. You seem to be trying to balance the feelings and emotions of everyone around you...that's a HEAVY burden, on top of what you're already carrying. Forget, if you can, your estranged family for now. Set them aside. They've done nothing but hurt you. Let your dad deal with the flak he's getting from them. He's strong, too. I wish I had suggestions about what to do for Jeff. He's a sensitive kid, and so breakable at this age. I echo everyone else who says just keep doing what you're doing. Be there, be you. It's not fair of anyone to imply that any of this is your fault. You have enough people being hard on you -- you don't need to be hard on yourself. Do please continue to keep us posted. We're all pulling for good changes and happy helens.

Posted by: lynD at August 17, 2007 07:12 PM (2F9Ak)

30 Mother bears have nothing on human mothers. Statia is right-the need to protect and gaurd may make you seem like an angry pit bull to some but it is just being a good mom. Unfortunately, I think the Swunt has (at least) temporarily forgotten that, and allowed her pain and bitterness to eat her up. She does need to fucking deal with it. I won't trash her as I would like to, because that won't make you feel better (well, not for very long at least). I will say she had better get her shit toghether fast, because it doesn't matter if she likes it or not-those babies are coming, and they have just as much right as any children in this world to be loved. And of course you want Melissa and Jeff to be part of it all, because you are a wonderful step-mom. Once you actually hold the Lemonheads and look into their eyes the need to protect them will be overwhelming, and I know in my case has caused me to do and say some things I would never have imagined myself doing-but that I would do again in a heartbeat. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, who hurts or attempts to hurt my children should expect to walk away unscathed. You did nothing wrong-they will be loved and showered with affection. It just may take awhile for everyone to realize how they all fit together, but the picture will eventually be whole.

Posted by: Teresa at August 17, 2007 07:20 PM (S58GU)

31 I think Jeff will come around once the babies are born and he sees them in all their sweet wonderfulness. You and Angus just keep on being the bigger people and eventually the kids will see the light. You won't ever have to say a word. In the meantime, hang in there and try not to take all the blame on yourself. There was more than one or even two parties that caused this mess. The least you all can do now is try to minimize further damage, which I believe you and Angus are really trying to do. And oy vey, the ex REALLY needs to get over it!!! Adultery is usually a symptom of problems in the marriage, not the cause! Without the FRIENDSHIP, the TRUST, the RESPECT, and the LOVE, you got nothin'.

Posted by: Julie at August 17, 2007 10:11 PM (1xyg6)

32 Helen, reading this post brings tears to my eyes. You have no idea just how close this hits home with me, when beloved family members have their minds poisoned and turned against each other. I'm going through a similar situation in my household right now and whereas the situation is very different, the hurt feelings and broken hearts are similar to what you have to deal with. I'm tempted to give you more details, but not in a public forum. But what I'll leave you with here is the fact that you are not alone. You did nothing wrong other than end up on the wrong side of the fence, and you are at least taking the higher ground in a very difficult situation which under different circumstances could justify an all-out hair-pulling ass whipping a la Dynasty style. This time I really feel your pain, and I'm sure others here do too. Hang in there, we all love you.

Posted by: diamond dave at August 17, 2007 10:49 PM (7Tcqf)

33 they do grow up, and despite the times like this, they grow up loving you, and surprising you. my own hurt little ten year old is almost 19 now, and he has grown into the most thoughtful young man - can that boy buy a gift! - you could imagine. and I *know* he didn't get that from his mother. I know how badly it hurt, helen, but in the end, you'll realise that you do matter, and that you do have input into their lives. it just mightn't seem like it at the time. *hugs*

Posted by: melanie at August 18, 2007 12:47 AM (DASqh)

34 I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. I may not have commented lately, but I've been thinking of you.

Posted by: Lisa at August 18, 2007 01:27 AM (e8V7B)

35 Let me insert a bit different slant here. You’ve characterized Jeff as one of the most sensitive people you’ve ever known. Even the most unflappable boy in the world reverberates to “Dad is gone, so now I am Mom’s protector.” Ratchet that up x 100 for a thin-skinned son. In that situation, when Mom loses it, son goes on high-alert, hyper-protective, panicked to try to fix it. He can’t. He’s just a little kid. So then he feels helpless which ultimately precipitates anger. Whatever caused Mom’s meltdown becomes the target of his anger – whether Mom says a word or not. Angus’ ex doesn’t have to proactively put poison thoughts in the heads of their children – her emotional state is what they’re reading / hearing. Trying to make Jeff feel different will rip you apart, Helen. He owns his own feelings. You can acknowledge that he’s angry and tell him that it makes you sad to see him so distraught. But debating, cajoling or bribing him to change his feelings will just bring you more grief. A 10 y.o isn’t equipped with the introspective skill to realize that his anger is a tangle of his mother’s depressive state, his feelings of impotence re protecting her, and his fear that Dad will leave him (in favor of the new babies) too. Time. Patience. Consistency. Dependability. Understanding. That’s all you can offer him while he works this out on his own. There is no way to rewrite the domino-effect of what has occurred in all your lives in the last couple of years. The way you get through this is to keep your eye on why you (both) took this path in the first place. Believe in the rightness of it. Don’t become distracted by passing storms. Expect a delightful future. Avoid allowing your home become the same high-drama environment that the kids are living in with their mother. I learned this perspective from my son, who struggled hard when his father remarried and had two more children. My son taught me that, in a divorce, some children weather the absence of one of the parents better than they weather losing their sense of exclusivity with that parent. I’d lay odds that that’s what’s going on with Jeff. When the twins get here and he becomes their adored Big Brother, a new era will be born. In the meantime, it’s one day at a time . . . . and boatloads of patience.

Posted by: Annie at August 18, 2007 01:31 AM (AT7PV)

36 Wow. Annie really nailed it. I was Jeff, once upon a time. Just give him time & space. You got to where you were with him by just being yourself. Keep on doing that.

Posted by: ~Easy at August 20, 2007 11:27 AM (OfRIX)

37 Ugh. I was 21 when my mom and stepdad split up. He was my boss at work and, of course, mom was still at home. I got an earful from both all day long. I finally told them to STFU about each other to me, which I could do since I was more or less an adult. It was tough, but I was old enough to get through it. It'll be harder for Jeff because of his age. Sooner or later though, he'll come around and realize that him mother is a nasty little bitch. He'll still love her, but that realization will give him some much needed peace of mind. Too many parents use their kids as playthings in their desire to get back at their ex. It's complete bullshit. I have a friend whose ex-husband is, shall we say, a complete dick to her. However, he's still a good father to her son, so she says nothing negative about him to her son. She understands that children aren't weapons to be used in emotional battles. Sadly, she's in the minority these days. I don't really know what to say except hang in there. Big electronic hug coming your way.

Posted by: physics geek at August 20, 2007 08:23 PM (MT22W)

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