Angus and I sometimes watch a BBC Three series called Wedding Stories, not because we're engaged and I've subscribed to Modern Bride and have catalogs of tiaras to wear or anything like that, but because it's hilarious. Basically, the BBC has picked ten couples it follows around leading up to and on their wedding day. And these couples are the epitome of bizarre, trailer trash, or so utterly cringe-worthy that it's like watching a matrimonial version of Jerry Springer.

One such story is about a religious couple. When I say "religious couple", I mean "dial it up as far as the notch will go" religious. I don't think I've seen a more evangelical couple, ever.

Now, I don't mind religious leanings. Even though I'm a lapsed Catholic, I just figure-to each his own. I'm not a rabid anti-religious person, I'm not like a vindictive ex-smoker who gets vicious with smokers, I just don't think religion has anything to do with me really. If you're Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Zoroastrian, then whatever floats your boat, mate. Rock on. I even find some religion entertaining-I like watching documentaries about the Duggar family. but that's more in the horrified fascinated "look at the double-headed camel!" kind of way.

This couple are very, very religious. They pray before everything. They cry and raise their hands and sing at top volume while whizzing in the car down the motorway (to which the only thing I have to say is maybe they want to keep at least one hand on the steering wheel.) I also understand that they have abstained from pre-marital sex (understand, but not agree. I'm one of those that likes to sample my 31 flavors before settling on a cone.)

When I finally lost it, though, was when the bride-to-be was talking to her nightly prayer group. She said that she accepted the Lord's word as her own, she just struggles sometimes with one aspect of it. Then this woman-an Oxford graduate-used the "S" word.

Subjugation.

As in: I must do it.

And that's when I started singing Starship's We Built This City on Rock and Roll in my head to try to keep my inner woman from going on a rampage. This wasn't the first wedding I'd seen where subjugation was mentioned, but I swear it needs to be the last.

I did some checking-it turns out the Bible has over 200 references referring to the subjugation of women. I didn't pull my ancient Precious Moments Bible off the shelf to check each one, actually (mostly because if I so much as touched the cover of the thing I'm sure it would catch on fire, but also because today I'm being pretty lazy) but there are a few (using another favorite "S" word-submit) that I looked up online and read about.

I know this is not a suprise to most. It just galled me-I thought: An Oxford-educated woman is going to spend her entire married life submitting to the will and whim of her husband. What point was her education? Isn't education the embodiment of empowerment? Shouldn't this be a sign to her that the world is her oyster, shuck away? And while you're shucking, might as well take those manacles off?

What can you do. This is her choice, it's her life. It makes me feel sick that they'll probably have daughters and it'll be round 2 of subjugation and submission, but then this is me being a judgmental bitch. I don't have the right to be pissed off about it, I know-they're not my kids. While I might raise any daughter I would ever be fortunate to have to think that she's the miniature version of Wonder Woman, it doesn't mean everyone will do the same thing. I am one of those that truly believes men and women can do everything equally, and anyone who tries to tell me otherwise has me plugging my ears and chanting Lalalalalalalalala I can't hear you! (Solomon I only recently un-banned you. Don't even think about delivering the sermons here, I am not going to be ok with that.)

It's her life. Angus knows that when we eventually get married that "honor and obey" is not going to be a part of my vows. Honor isn't demanded. Obeying isn't an option. We watched the rest of the TV program, and I just accepted that for some people, if God says subjugate, then subjugate they will (that whole "would you jump off a bridge too?" question just ran through my head, but I figure if some people will spend a lifetime subjugating then a jump off the bridge is small potatoes, really).

But then the minister said at the end of the service to the bride-to-be: "You must take care of your man. Always make sure he has good food, good sex, and good sleep every night, a man must have those. Never do anything to disturb any of those three."

The bride nodded and swore to uphold her duties.

I had to be restrained.

-H.

*UPDATED-oops, comments got closed on accident. Sorted now.*

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:24 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 864 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Uhhhh...wow. I have no words. Except to say that my highly educated cousin just recently "found a religion" with her equally educated husband. She has to 'obey and respect' him, make sure he has time alone daily without being disturbed by her or their two sons, dinner on tbe table when he gets home, etc. I have no idea what religion or belief they are into, but what really galls me is that this is how they are raising their boys, one of whom is the same age as my daughter. I just thought we were more enlightened than this. If my daughter ever meets anyone who expects her to 'obey' I am pretty sure she will kick him in the balls and run like hell. I have nothing against being spiritual, but it is amazing what people will do(and excuse)in the name of their 'religion'. There has to be some balance out there. I hope.

Posted by: Teresa at February 15, 2007 04:28 PM (at+kH)

2 Yeah, "obey" wasn't uttered at our wedding, and I would have been right there with you on needing to be restrained. I already yell at the television too much as it is. I actually asked Sweetheart about something recently, and he replied, "Are you really asking me to tell you what to do?" Like it was some kind of a trap. He knows that is absolutely not an option.

Posted by: sophie at February 15, 2007 04:38 PM (1HOa8)

3 Umm, holy crap? Seriously though, I usually think of myself as pretty open minded and staying out of other people's business and if they want to be weird then go be weird.. but this still makes me cringe in a big way. I agree with Teresa here, what won't people do in the name of religion..

Posted by: Erin at February 15, 2007 05:00 PM (ABtTW)

4 I didn't say obey either. I made a strict point with the minister beforehand that if Hubby didn't have to say it, I wouldn't either. But you know, to each their own. My marriage doesn't work that way, and I doubt that couple's marriage would be happy if they had the kind of relationship that hubby and I have. I kinda feel sorry for that woman, but I suppose if she's happy then there's nothing to be sorry for...

Posted by: caltechgirl at February 15, 2007 05:56 PM (/vgMZ)

5 My apologies in advance. This is long enough to be my own blog entry. I was raised in a very religious home. Wives submit to your husbands. Divorce is never okay in the eyes of god. All that crap. I prayed my entire life for god to bring a nice godly man into my life for me to marry. And then, I was certain god had answered my prayers when I met my first husband. I was young and stupid and blinded by religion. I was 19 when I married him, he was 23 I think. We only lasted a year and a half. This godly man, whom I obeyed because that's what a good little Baptist girl I was, was an a-hole. Shortly after we eloped, he started telling me what I b!tch I was and that he'd rather be dead on a street corner than married to me. He wouldn't speak to me for days at a time to punish me for whatever I did wrong (and I seldom knew what the hell I did wrong). And then he'd take me to his Baptist church on Sundays and we'd play the part of the happy Christian couple. He hated me. He didn't trust me. But I married him until death do us part. And surely god had some reason to test my faith like that. We would argue, and I could see the rage in his eyes. And I hoped he would hit me, because at least if he hit me, even the church could justify divorce. I was so relieved (and terrified) when he finally got physical with me. Finally I had justification to leave him. As if there weren't already a ton of reasons! I stopped going to church when I divorced him. I'm not sure it's worth it to follow god's plan. I'm now happily married to an atheist. THE HORROR! And we've been together almost eight years, five of which we lived in sin together before tying the knot. Yeh, I'm so far from my former religious self. Sorry to take up so much space on your blog.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at February 15, 2007 06:04 PM (+MvHD)

6 How come there isn't a religion where the men have to be subserviant to the women, and obey them? Did I miss it or what? And why does anyone have to obey? I thought that was what being an adult meant, self governance.

Posted by: Donna at February 15, 2007 06:41 PM (+1Mol)

7 Boy, do I ever agree with you! We've been married for 42 years and I have never been subjugated and never will. And I say that honor and respect have to be earned, by anyone - not just given regardless of how the person acts/is.

Posted by: kenju at February 15, 2007 07:15 PM (L8e9z)

8 Oh Helen, I had to laugh at this one! For so many reasons...first off, as you may or may not remember, the words "submit" and "subjugate" are sexual words for me. Very very hawt for me. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so, because some women are just horrified by me enjoying this kind of thing, but hey; I try to comfort myself by saying at least I wasn't born with a fish fetish or something like that. You know? Could be worse, right? Okay, so I got stuck with quivering uncontrollably when I see or hear the word "submit", but I could have been born with a penchant for diapermen or furries instead. Whew! Dogged a bullet there, didn't I? ;-P And I purposely put the word "obey" into my marriage vow to Dan because of our sexual dynamic. Which almost caused my husband to crack up right then and there in front of everyone but he somehow held it together. But oh my god, his eyes...I'll never forget the look in his eyes. He wanted to rip my clothes off, I could see it! And the commotion in the audience behind us when I said "love, honor and obey" loud and clear; I didn't dare turn around to look and no one in my family has ever asked me about it since. ahahahaha COWARDS! All that being said, if anyone told me I *HAD* to be this way, I'd probably stop out of sheer cussedness and spite. As for religion...I'm so sick of it. I'm just so sick and tired of people being so very stupid. I've never understood why people believe in all that crap and I never will, I guess. I've read the Bible several times and I still cannot for the LIFE of me understand why anyone buys all that! I've even gone to church, ALONE, and sat there, listening and reading and puzzling, trying to figure it out. Oh sure, sometimes there are great truths and some lovely things said. But I just can't buy into what Dan calls the Zombie God Religion (Christ came back from the dead, so Dan calls him Zombie Christ). It's the 21st century and people are still BUYING this load of horse manure? I'd understand a bit more if it was still the Dark Ages but...have they ever READ the book itself? And they still believe it?? WOW! P. T. Barnum was right, right right! So remember, boys and girls, although it's clear in this case that the couple in question is wack-job crazeeee with their religious fevor BS and that's why she's "submitting" to her husband (ick and "hawt" all at once for poor Amber! LOL!) but there are others of us around that are doing it just because it feels so damn good. Heh. Oops! One more thing; the minister who married us said he'd do a secular ceremony but once I mentioned the "obey" part, oh man, he started throwing around "Praise Jesus" like someone with Tourette's and I thought poor Dan was going to strangle the guy because as I said earlier...Dan has a wee bit of a problem with the whole Zombie Christ theory and had adamantly asked that the Carpenter from Nazareth NOT be at our wedding. Dan was just furious! I, on the other hand, couldn't help but start cracking up just because it was so damn funny. Plus we were (are) so very much in love. I loved this post, Helen, you made me laugh really hard, thanks!

Posted by: Amber at February 15, 2007 07:39 PM (zQE5D)

9 love is blind.... evidently, it's DEAF & DUMB, too!

Posted by: nojo at February 15, 2007 08:52 PM (F22Ai)

10 Why one would want the love of their life to submit or be subjugated is beyond my conprehension One theory on the evolution of subjugation holds of women especially in Western religion holds the Goddess of more earthbased religions got too brutal to men and the evolution of hunter-gather Gods was a response. May not be true but seems plausible. For more information on Male dominated religions (read Christian Fundamentalists and Muslim extremists -same thing I think) see Martin Marty and the Fundamentalism project. Again thanx for your great comment. Charles- a Born again Pagan

Posted by: Foggy at February 15, 2007 11:30 PM (ZTgUD)

11 This is exactly why Jen and I wrote our own vows. We're both too adult and too independent to take any obedience oath seriously. Although I have to agree with Amber that in a sexual context it can be quite enjoyable (I've found both sides of that equation to be rather fun, myself).

Posted by: maolcolm at February 16, 2007 11:44 AM (oDSuC)

12 My wife and I went to a wedding many years ago for some friends. We hadn’t been married long, ourselves. I don’t remember what church it was or what denomination but the preacher said to the couple something like “scripture says woman should submit herself to her man”. That sentiment and/or interpretation of scripture was not shared by everyone in that church that evening and a few eyes rolled. The preacher sensed it and then said, “I know some of you disagree but you’re wrong”. Some eyes rolled again but some were replaced by something else. My wife will give me a look when I do or say something she finds stupid. Yeah, it happens sometimes. I have yet to see the icy stare she had for that preacher that day, though. I found it uncomfortable and it wasn’t even aimed at me. She probably still has that one in reserve and I draw comfort in the knowledge that I’d probably have to reach deep in the bag of stupid husband tricks before I will have that dubious pleasure. Not completely out of the realm but less likely now than when we were younger.

Posted by: Rob at February 16, 2007 12:30 PM (T7ucb)

13 hehe...Bill Cosby did a great bit on the word "Obey" in the wedding vows and how that was the only thing that his wife remembered from the vows. Of course, the way she remembered it was that he would obey HER. As one who married in the UU church by a (female) UU minister, there was absolutely NO chance that the word "Obey" would end up in our vows. But as you said, whatever floats your boat.

Posted by: ~Easy at February 16, 2007 01:42 PM (jm+bg)

14 Honor?? Hell yes.. you do that with every smile.. every smooch etc etc... (lets not get into details) as he does the same to you... You honor him cause you love his kids like they were your own... (as hard as that must be given your struggle to have one of your own) Honor like trust are both 4 letter words... you don't need anyone to valadate your relationship... you both is what you is or popeye will be paying a visit.... Obey??? yeah... NOT! well meby if its get down hun someone is shooting...or hun..relax let me make dinner... you might listen and (cough) obey simply cause he might be right once or twice a year but not cause you have to.. but cause you chose too... Welp gone on too long... will leave it at this...

Posted by: LarryConley at February 18, 2007 01:32 PM (ZhyJq)

15 "You must take care of your man. Always make sure he has good food, good sex, and good sleep every night, a man must have those. Never do anything to disturb any of those three." Even Solomon was dumbfounded at the emphatic tone there. I'm all for good food, sex, and sleep (who isn't?), but never doing anything to disturb any of them is unreasonable. Plus you never know if they didn't have words for the pastor/priest afterwards. Friends of mine wrote their own vows, and the pastor interjected his own thoughts on submitting during the ceremony. They didn't agree, but the ceremony wasn't the time to fight with the pastor about it. Besides, what if the good sex gets in the way of good sleep? : )

Posted by: Solomon at February 19, 2007 02:58 PM (x+GoF)

16 The S word (submit) was thrown in my face in both of my marriages (yes, I suck), and it makes me twitch uncontrollably. I cannot imagine being with a man who thinks like this.

Posted by: trouble at February 20, 2007 01:43 AM (0cvTm)

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