Things keep getting destroyed around me.

I have been going through a bit of a thing lately. I find I’m going up and down more than I’d like to be, and one element of the down is my need to purge. Not purge as in “traditional visit to the toilet to control my weight”, I’m not in that frame of mind. But purge as in throw away, eliminate, rid.

We had an argument a month or so ago, and the result saw me head for the garage and hit my storage hard. Into the recycling bin went many things from my past. I didnÂ’t want them anymore. I donÂ’t need them anymore. All I kept were photos and my wedding dress. The wedding dress-a size 8, I was surprised to note-is packed with my veil and a few other bits and pieces. IÂ’m not very sentimental about it, but thought maybe someday Melissa or one of the Lemonheads might want to use it, so itÂ’s kept in my closet upstairs, quietly hiding.

The 150 year-old rocking chair that I brought over from Sweden started falling apart. We tried to fix it, but to no avail. The chair was so riddled with woodworm that the entire chair needed to be re-built, a job that the rocker wasnÂ’t worth. One of the rockers split. Then one of the braces. Then one of the back braces. Angus kept telling me the rocker had to go, that it couldnÂ’t be fixed, that itÂ’s fit only for the fireplace, but I resisted-I absolutely love the chair.

That night we argued I pulled the chair out of the garage and set it on the back porch.

I left it there.

I needed it to sit outside and fall apart.

The rain got to it immediately, and the water pried apart the already weakened structure. Within days the entire structure of the rocker came apart. Still it sits outside, as daily I check on the ruin that has become of a fucking rocking chair that I loved so much.

I guess it’s like Fight Club – I needed to destroy something beautiful.

Other parts of my past are going, too. With a shortage of space and, once the babies arrive, a tightening of belts, some changes had to be made. WeÂ’re assembled a massive pile for ebay, which we took photos of the other night and will list shortly. Some of the items include my Buffy the Vampire Slayer box sets (all but Season 1, which I canÂ’t find). Some electronics that need to go. And my dive bag full of the first dive kit I ever owned. I was a poor, broke student when I bought the set and used it to get certified. I dove with the kit in Lake Travis one hot sunny days. The octopus went to Belize with Kim and I. ItÂ’s outdated and I donÂ’t travel with it anymore, instead I rent kit where I go. ThatÂ’ll suffice for me now. The kit has to go.

And last but not least, my entire ice hockey kit bag and kit is going. I painstakingly bought each piece one at a time, as I had little money. I wore the kit when I played as goalie on KimÂ’s team. Inside the hockey bag I found my hockey jersey from KimÂ’s team, the Comets. I was flushed full of memories, all of them tasting like metallic ice on the tip of my tongue. The smell of athletic tape filled my nose. I recognized all of my kit, even though I havenÂ’t worn any of it in 8 years.

And it needs to go.

ThereÂ’s no ice hockey in our area, the hockey bag is enormous andÂ…wellÂ…that Helen is gone. ItÂ’s time.

Jeff arrived yesterday evening. Angus and I were worried that he’d been “gotten to” by the Swunt, as he’s been on his own with her for a week now. Once Jeff walked into the house, he descended into a sea of silence. It appeared our fears were correct.

Discussions with him yesterday were hard work. When Angus and Melissa went to get the takeaway curry last night I sat and tried to talk to Jeff. I asked him if he’d like to see Harry Potter with me. His response? “Whatever.” I asked him if he was looking forward to going skiing over New Year’s, something we’ve been planning. We’re going to fly in to Seattle to visit my Dad again, then off to Canada with the 4 kids.

He looks at me. “I don’t want to go right after Christmas. I always get one big present in Sweden, and lots of little ones. I want time to play with them.”

I look at him. This is new. “Well, we were thinking of going directly after Christmas. What if you brought your presents with you and you can play with them there?”

“I want at least a week with my things before we go to the States,” he replied.

UmÂ…ok.

And this, amongst other things, indicated to both Angus and I that things are not ok in the House of Mirth.

And we donÂ’t know the best way of handling things. Previously, Jeff has been really keen on the Lemonheads and talked about them constantly. A box of amazing and beautiful baby clothes arrived yesterday from the fabulous Donna, and while Melissa and I went through them, exclaiming and thrilled, Jeff was clearly uncomfortable, so we stopped looking at the clothes until later when we were alone. The babies are now a relatively contentious issue. Again. As they have been since their inception.

Angus and I discuss our options-we want to make him comfortable and happy, but we know there’s only so much we can do, and only so much time. We will do everything we can, inlcuding extra reassurance and extra attention, which is a bit of a teeter totter as then we have to be careful we don't alienate Melissa, even though we did explain that maybe he needed some extra attention just now. Angus is very sure that the next step will be reduced visits from Jeff, as suggested by the ex. The impact the Swunt is having on Jeff is massive and I can understand why – she’s his mother. He trusts her. Angus and I discuss trying to go back to court for custody, but there are a few issues with that-for starters, we don’t stand a chance in a Swedish court. If we involve English courts, it will be a long drawn out process while the courts battle it out, and we worry that the damage will be worse on the children if they get confronted by custody battles. Jeff is doing slightly better today and is a little more upbeat, I think some sleep helped, but it’s such a fucking tightrope that I feel like I can never get the balance right.

What drives me most wild is that while Angus’ ex goes around using her children as pawns in her anger, Angus’ family is running around worrying about her happiness and wringing their hands, saying “Poor woman.” We continue to not comment about the ex in front of the kids, but I want to grab her by the shoulders and tell her that the damage she is doing cannot be undone, and it cannot be forgiven. I’m sure she wants to do worse to me.

I continue to feel like my desire to add to our family means I have destroyed another one.

Yesterday my beautiful new Le Creuset pan arrived. IÂ’d ordered it months ago, an almond colored cast iron pan. It finally arrived yesterday morning, and as I love cooking I was excited as hell, so I got the pot ready and washed it. Le Cresuet costs a fortune but the pots last foreverÂ…unless you have wet hands and you drop it on the stone floor.

Then it gets destroyed.

I was bereft. My new pot ruined and I'd never even used it. I'd waited for ages to buy it until I saw it on sale, and I knew it was the best price I could ever find. And now? Nothing. And I don't have credit card purchase protection either, so it's well and truly lost (lesson learned on that one, too.)

After the day that had been had, I went up and took a bath. It seemed like the best option, really, to just remove myself for a little while. I had problems sleeping all night and random bits of baby came poking out of my stomach all night and continues today. I wish I knew how to fix things, but I just donÂ’t. I canÂ’t fix rocking chairs. I canÂ’t fix hockey pasts. And I canÂ’t fix kids, no matter how much I want to.

-H.

PS-many huge thanks for the sci fi help. I put together a list of the suggestions that I’d had before we went to bed for Melissa, and so far she’s narrowed it down to ones she’s really interested in. They include “Under Plum Lake", the Pullman “His Dark Materials” series, Ursula LeGuin's "Earthsea Trilogy", Jonathan Stroud's "Bartimaeus" triology and “Doomsday Book”. I’ll get the suggestions that came in last night (Zimmer Bradley was a good suggestion, I remember reading her myself) and see what she thinks about those. Thanks a lot, I really owe you all for the suggestions-hopefully it helps you to know that you made her day as she discovered huge amounts of books that will make her happy.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:27 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 1599 words, total size 9 kb.

1 Many of my divorced friends have told me that the transitions are always the hard part for kids, the initial period settling in with you, the initial period settling in back with his mom. Certainly this is made moreso by her behavior. But even so, I would recommend that the first day he arrives is not the best time to talk about future plans, because he still has too much of his other home in his head, but that it will go better a few days further into the visit. I think you'll find everything about his demeanor will improve after a few days of settling in. But if that's so, and you see how long it takes him, you might want to rethink those weekend visits. They may be just too short for him to manage the coming/going process and all that it entails. Also, unfortunately, if this persists, you may want to consider changing your visiting schedule to less visits, but longer ones, so that there is less transition but more 'meat' to the visit. Oh sorry, you don't eat meat. But you know what I mean. Just for the record, I find the idea of the across the world after Christmas trip a bit daunting with 4 mo old twins. You might want to wait a few months before buying the tix, just to be sure it feels manageable once they are actually here. Good luck!

Posted by: Amy at August 16, 2007 11:28 AM (I9LMv)

2 I feel so bad for you, Angus and the kids. The Swunt, not so much. I realize she's hurting, but using the kids as scapegoats and to get back at you guys is lousy. Can you and Angus sit both the kids down and have a talk with them? To remind them that you understand they're caught in the middle and you don't want them to feel that way, that you love them and want to spend a lot of time with them, even after the Lemonheads arrive. To let them know they can tell you how they feel and won't be punished for it. Hugs to you all.

Posted by: selzach at August 16, 2007 12:10 PM (fs+Ya)

3 oh sweetie, I'm sorry. I hope Angus can get Jeff to open up a bit and reassure him that he is very special and well adored. I STG it must be use your kids as weapons month, and nobody told the other parents..... As for the Le Creuset, I've been there. I stopped washing dishes months ago because wet + dishes + RA hands = BAD. Chalk it up to experience and hit an outlet mall when you come to the States next :-)

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 16, 2007 05:06 PM (IfXtw)

4 I wish I could wave a wand and make it all better for you-even fix your broken pot. Instead, I will just say that I am thinking of you and here for you, should you need me for anything. No wonder you want to purge so badly-you are up to your neck in 'new' stuff to deal with, so who has time for the old?

Posted by: Teresa at August 16, 2007 05:11 PM (OFErs)

5 I wish I had fix-it advice for you in regards to Jeff and his reaction. As it is, having gone through this with my son, although he was older, the only thing to do was to live my life as joyfully as I could, include him in it as much as he'd let me, and wait. I don't do "wait" very well. But, you know...I had to. Give it time. Let him do/say what he wants to right now. And...I'm sorry.

Posted by: The other Amber at August 16, 2007 06:17 PM (zQE5D)

6 Me thinks I feel the heavy hand of the swunt at play.

Posted by: Foggy at August 16, 2007 08:55 PM (WlHuv)

7 At the risk of overstepping boundaries.... It seems to me that with the exception of one unfortunate incident with wet hands and gravity, you are being left to deal with things that are already in various states of destruction. You haven't destroyed anything.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at August 16, 2007 09:17 PM (+p4Zf)

8 Many good thoughts and good wishes. I'm sure you will figure out a way to handle things--you have shown such strength up to this point.

Posted by: sophie at August 16, 2007 09:17 PM (AY+fk)

9 "The wedding dress... one of the Lemonheads might want to use it" hope it's the girl hehe

Posted by: Jennifer at August 16, 2007 11:14 PM (xEC7K)

10 Let me second what Amy said. Travel to the grocery store with small children is waaaay more of an ordeal than you think. Traveling halfway around the world will be even more challenging. Waiting until after the Lemonheads arrive to buy the tix is a good idea.

Posted by: ~Easy at August 20, 2007 11:19 AM (OfRIX)

11 Have you contacted Le Creuset? I have several of their pieces (ahem, nine. I might have a slight addiciton) and as far as I know, they have a lifetime warranty and ought to replace it.

Posted by: emily at August 20, 2007 08:38 PM (fHIqo)

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