A great deal of my life is spent thinking about the stepkids. If you're a stepmom - and not one of the evil variety, of course - then this is the way of things. Your world has a whole lotta' step in it.

I'm lucky enough to have three women that I correspond with who are stepmoms - Sophie, Lisa and Beach Girl. These women are a rock that I turn to when the stepping gets rough. These women, and my own stepmother (who is increasinly an important part of my and the babies' lives and someone whose kindness constantly amazes me), are women that I admire, respect, and empathize with. Prior to having my babies I wondered if being a stepmother was harder than being a mom to biological children. It's true that my babies are little lumps who have yet to figure out how to talk back to me, but I think I was right - being a stepparent is harder than if you have pushed them out of you (or, as in my case, had a nice doctor and a really hot anesthesiologist pull them out of you).

Melissa and Jeff arrive on Sunday for a very long stay. Jeff will be with us for 9 days and Melissa will be here for 3 weeks. Melissa has to do work study for school, and they assign them two weeks to do this off of school. She's chosen to come to England for her work study and she'll spend the time at our local vet's office.

I am fairly worried about this visit, actually. This will be the first time Jeff's met the babies and he is the last family member to do so, which has pissed him off. The truth is it was his choice. When they were born Angus called Jeff asked him if he wanted to come out to meet them. Jeff said no. Then he hung up on Angus.

So Melissa came on her own.

Angus bought two presents which he wrapped up and signed from Nick and Nora, and Melissa took them back with her. Angus and Jeff have spoken many times since the babies were born and sometimes the conversation goes well, sometimes not so well. There are huge sensitivities there and Angus said he'll try to focus his attentions on Jeff this next visit. Jeff will be feeling sensitive anyway - his room is now home to two small babies. He is no doubt worried about the amount of love there is to go around, when what we want to tell him is we love him just as much as we ever have.

And this time I'm coming forward and prepared to be a little sterner than I have been.

Melissa and Jeff are brilliant, I really love them, but like any teen and pre-teen they aren't very tidy and can be prone to laziness (weren't we all as teens?). Melissa's breakfast dishes tend to linger in the living room (where breakfast is eaten in front of MTV) until they either walk themselves into the kitchen or until I take them away. Both kids leave their dirty clothes where they take them off. When they start projects, they walk away and leave the detritus behind.

But that has to change. Previously I didn't mind tidying up. Now we have to run a tighter ship. In this house things now get done as soon as humanly possible, otherwise we will drown in housework. When the dishwasher is done it gets emptied. Laundry is done with clockwork regularity. If you start a project you clean up afterwards, otherwise we're going to be in the weeds. The kids will need to clean up after themselves.

I've been thinking for a long time about what it is that a stepmother needs to be in order to make it work. Stepmothers have always had the bad rap - fairy tales paint them as the evil torturer, Hollywood portrays them as hopeless homewreckers with zero child-rearing skills. Truthfully, a step-parent has to walk the finest tightrope, they have to have loyalty to their partner while protecting the feelings of the children, always. There can be great animosity between the ex and the step-parent, but we have to keep it under wraps. We have to be a member of the family and a person on the sidelines, often at the same time.

So I have come up with a version of what I think of are the Stepmother Commandments. If you're a step-parent (or even if you're not), let me know what you think.

1) Thou shalt suck it up when thou dost feel insecure.

When you first meet the stepkids, they'll be feeling insecure. So will you. Try not to show it. And if (like me) you didn't have kids when you meet the stepkids and you feel very lost, bewildered, and confused by the bond that seems to occur between your beloved and their children, suck it up even more. It'll be extreme suck it up-age, a whole new Olympic sport. It needs to be about them, even if you don't know where you fit into the whole dynamic of the family. It's sometimes hard when they talk about things they did before you came along, especially if the memory is something hugely wonderful and valuable - you feel like you can't top that, you can't add anything more to their lives. Angus has been converting many of his old VHS home videos to DVD, and I know Melissa and Jeff will want to watch them. I will make myself scarce, I fully support them laughing and remembering their past, but I don't really need to see footage of happy family holidays they had (although I have seen glimpses of the tapes and I'm not too immature to say the following - I lost the baby weight faster than his ex did. Ha.)

2) Thou shalt get thee a silver tongue guard.

Because you're going to be biting it an awful lot.

Chances are you missed the many years of growing that a family had together. Almost certainly, there's something about the kids' behavior that you won't like. You may think "If these were my kids I would...." more than once a day. But that's just it - they're not your kids. And the parents of the kids may be blind to some things that drive you mad. If you find yourself at the very end of your tether (and I once reached mine with Jeff, who chewed with his mouth open and smacked his lips very, very loudly) then find a delicate way of addressing it. I'm happy to say Jeff rarely smacks his lips now, and it seems like a petty thing but sometimes, you need to start small.

3) Thou shalt pick thy battles.

Sometimes extended family gets confused about stepkids, too. My father and stepmom have worked hard to try to involve Melissa and Jeff on a grandparent basis, and sometimes I feel like I force the kids on them, but only because Melissa and Jeff do view my family as their grandparents, and I want only to encourage this relationship. And sometimes people surprise you - I was talking to my dad about his ample amount of grandchildren now - my sister has a child and (fucking irresponsibly I think) she's now expecting twins, and I have twins. I was laughing and told Dad that I bet he didn't think he'd have 5 grandkids within a year. He smiled back. "What do you mean 5 grandkids?" he asked. "I have 7 amazing grandkids." He included Melissa and Jeff in his grandkid count, and he warmed my heart immeasurably.

4) Thou shalt curb thine resentment, if thou dost hath resentment.

There are senstivities everywhere. One thing I battle a bit is the fact that Angus has nicknames for his kids. Currently, Nick has a nickname, Melissa has a nickname, and Jeff has a nickname...but Nora doesn't. She did have a nickname - one I really, really loved - and then Melissa rubbished it. Now Angus doesn't have a nickname for Nora and it's driving me mental. Seems such a stupid thing, but his other three kids have nicknames, Nora deserves one, too. I could have throttled Melissa for making fun of Nora's nickname. She's bad enough about the pet names - after throwing a strop over a few of Nora's clothes with the words "Princess" on them, we had to give them away. They were gifts from family, lovely ones at that, and I have to be honest - I kinda' resented having to give them away. I understand that "Princess" is Melissa's nickname, but the clothes were gifts, and it's not like I'm trying to usurp her title. Besides, if a King and Queen have two daughters, aren't they both princesses? What, is one a princess and the other one camel offal? I'm not saying Nora should be called "Princess", not at all, but I feel resentful about the imbalance of her being nicknameless. This, I should just get over I think.

5) Thou shalt cry buckets, and thou shalt know the pain of thy partner.

My stepmother often feels very torn up about discord between my father and his family. I can relate-when Angus and Jeff have run-ins, I feel terrible for him. I hurt more than I hurt for anything. If we have a period where Jeff refuses to speak to his father, I can feel Angus crumble a little more inside each day. The fact that his ex poisons his kids really wrecks him, and each time it happens I want to wrap him in a bubble and protect him.

6) Thou shalt walk the line between friend and parent.

Sometimes you have to be a friend - the kids will resent you coming and potentially assuming the role of the parent, usurping their mom or dad so to speak. And sometimes being a friend is too lenient or light, or it makes the kids feel like you don't care, even when you do care, more than anything. Every situation requires analysis. Get it wrong, and people get hurt.

7) Even though I don't like to end on a 7, I can't currently think of anymore but this one - thou shalt love and laugh with thine stepkids, for they can bring you great joy and light.

Because they can. They will. Give them a chance.

And let's hope this weekend brings good things.

-H.

PS-if I've forgotten any commandments, let me know.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:01 PM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 1771 words, total size 10 kb.

1 Well...I those are pretty true when you have the standard step-parent interaction. My 3 step children live with me full time - which throws the entire relationship out of whack. Also, their mother literally has mental problems, so - imagine what Angus's ex does times an exponential amount. Patience, love, tolerance, and wine. Lots and Lots of Wine. The step-mother's toolkit.

Posted by: Tracy at October 26, 2007 02:13 PM (0rzA0)

2 This sort of post is always so interesting to me. I became a step-daughter at 26 and many of these still hold true. Especially the part about blending extended families and reflecting upon past experiences that don't include the step parent.

Posted by: sarah at October 26, 2007 02:20 PM (FRfGo)

3 You should have made this one a whole commandment by itself: "Every situation needs analysis"- that´s the most important one, I think :-) You only forgot one thing: Forgive yourself if you can´t be perfect. It´s all about feelings, not machines. Great post, and so, so true.

Posted by: Gina at October 26, 2007 02:23 PM (Y8m4l)

4 From one step mother to another... you nailed it. And you are much more in tune and receptive to your children's needs than I ever was, lost with no instruction. #4 is a biggie, and difficult to achieve without much meditation. At least for me.

Posted by: pam at October 26, 2007 02:31 PM (l6NIn)

5 Thou shalt always be wrong. Of course I don't know what I'm talking about: I HAVE NEVER GIVEN BIRTH. Until I push one out, clearly I have no clue about raising a child. Never mind I'm more of a mother than the egg donor.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at October 26, 2007 02:35 PM (+MvHD)

6 The first (of many) hard discussions my husband and I had about rules for the stepdaughters was "not taking their dishes into the kitchen and leaving their jeans so you could literally see they had simply stepped out of them." The basics are so universal. Fortunately for the stepkid relationship, we are not going to add to the family. They have asked more than once if I am going to have a baby, and it is evident that we gave the right answer. Best wishes for the visits. I think I will add one more to the commandments... Thous shalt make the father be the bearer of unwanted new rules and regulations. Let A. tell them about picking up after themselves, even if you do it together. You have enough to deal with right now. They may know it came from you, but he needs to show them he means it also.

Posted by: sophie at October 26, 2007 02:43 PM (AY+fk)

7 Good Luck! One day these two will know just how lucky they are to have a step mum that cares as deeply as you do. Sadly, it will take a few more years for them to have such prospective. It will happen though, and I suspect they already feel it they just dont know what to do with it yet.

Posted by: Christina at October 26, 2007 02:55 PM (cu+y1)

8 Good luck, kiddo. *hugs*

Posted by: Teresa at October 26, 2007 03:18 PM (Y3wu9)

9 I think you've nailed it. I'm also wondering if you have a better understanding of Angus' ex now that you have birthed your own. (Not that you would condone her actions. There's a world of difference between understanding and approval.) I have a step-dad that has become a big part of my life, though it was a long row to hoe to get here. When he married my mom, I was graduating from High School, but I have a sister that's 3 years younger. My step-dad has two kids that are 6 and 9 years younger than me respectively. I think that he and my mother have done a good job balancing things. My mom experienced a lot of the same kinds of troubles that you've described, and there's always been a balancing act for me to not resent my step-sibs because of it. It was also hard for my sister and my step-brother as they went from being the youngest and oldest sibs to being middles. This may be part of Jeff's difficulties as well. He's no longer the youngest. He's now the middle child. Birth order DOES have an impact on children. Just food for thought. Step families are hard. (Then again, so are In-laws. *shrugs* ) In the end, you do what you think is best because that's all you can do. And I think you'll do fine. PS- I still like PJ (princess Jr) for Nora. Then again, what the hell do I know?

Posted by: ~Easy at October 26, 2007 03:32 PM (IVGWz)

10 I had to read the whole post and take notes because I could tell from the first few lines this would be a good one. I'm going to read the comments and then post my responses to the awesomeness that is your list of Stepmother Commandments.

1) YES! Exactly. You cannot change the memories. However, new ones happen and with time passing they become as prominent as the ones they brought into it. Thankfully. And "Ha!"-ing right along with you. My husband's ex NEVER lost the baby weight. :-D

2) This sucks - no two ways about it.

3) Yes, the confusion can be a blessing and a curse at the same time but also inevitable.

4) This one? I think I'm much too childish to give Melissa that much power, resentment or no. I am sad that you felt compelled to give the clothes away, but that's the kind of thoughtful person you are. And I think you also hit the nail on the head with there being more than one princess in the castle - which is why I think she's behaving a bit spoiled on that one (but she is acting out her resentment in the only way she feels empowered to so that isn't all bad either) ... I could probably stand to be less wishy-washy on this issue but it isn't all black or white.

5) Wow - hit this one right up-side the head too. Good one.

6) This one too. Tough line.

7) Definitely laugh and enjoy every minute. This is the primary way to treat them exactly as you would your own children. Time flies, and they will provide you with lasting memories of your golden years. Sibling rivalry (which is still basically what this is) happens in non-step families too, just to a different degree.

oooh! I will definitely agree here. Always maintain a united front once the rules have been presented. For this reason it's best to talk beforehand to there are no surprises between the parents. Good one, Sophie!

And Christina is right - I think it may take having kids or a stepkid themselves someday [far] in the future to gain that perspective. I know that's what it took for me.

I can't think of anything else to add. Optimism is important. It can keep one sane or it can keep them peacefully oblivious until reality smacks them in the head. ha.

I wish you a happy and peaceful visitation period with as little drama as possible. I will be thinking good thoughts in your general direction. Above all, get plenty of rest and use the babies as an excuse to take yourself off and lay down whenever possible - it will be good for everyone in the long run and this period won't last forever. In the scheme of things this visit will be a short blip on the timeline when you look back. If things get hectic try to keep that in mind and take time-outs when you or the babies need them.

Posted by: Lisa at October 26, 2007 03:36 PM (EcHBm)

11 I'm not a step anything, but I have been the crying shoulder for many of my friends and their step issues, both as parents and kids. And from what I've seen in their lives I think you speak very wise words. It's so hard to walk that line between clashing loyalties and loves and hurts.

Posted by: caltechgirl at October 26, 2007 04:32 PM (/vgMZ)

12 I'm a really mean person. There is no way I'd give up the clothes. I'd tell her to deal with it. Maybe I need to hit those parenting books again and see what I come up with instead of being a poopyhead.

Posted by: Jen(aside) at October 26, 2007 05:31 PM (JfzXd)

13 I think I saw "united front" and really, that's true of any parental unit - if you're divided, you will be conquered. I'm so sorry about the "Princess" problem. I did like Easy's "PJ." As I've said before, you handle a very VERY difficult situation with such grace, I admire the snot out of you. The only other thing I would add is for you to be gentle on yourself, as well. You are, after all, only human. And you deserve someone looking after YOUR feelings as well. xoxo

Posted by: Margi at October 26, 2007 06:05 PM (wSEpS)

14 I don't have any experience being a 'step' anything, but I do have pleny of pre-teen and teen experience. The one universal truth about having a teen daughter around is that it is inevitable that everything is your fault. period. no discussion about it. They only way I have dealt with being such a bottem feeder in my daughters' eyes is, when the moment feels right, remind them that I am a human being and have feelings. When they get to about age 17 life gets oh so much better. I consider the 14 & 15 years icky and 'lost' time, but this will soon pass.

Posted by: Marie at October 26, 2007 06:34 PM (5PP6+)

15 I am not a step-parent, but my daughter is, and I know how hard it has been for her. I think your rules are terrific and well-thought-out. If you follow them you should have no trouble, and if you do, it is surely not your fault. Good luck!

Posted by: kenju at October 26, 2007 06:58 PM (TiGru)

16 I wasn't the step, but my husband was. I think you've covered all the rules beautifully. Love, love, love and more love. That's a sure winner.

Posted by: sue at October 26, 2007 08:30 PM (WbfZD)

17 Time does change an awful lot when it comes to being the stepmother. And although I do KNOW that it has changed things for my stepkids too, sometimes they seem to go out on a limb not to show it. They'll surprise me with such a thoughtful birthday gift they bring tears to my eyes, and then the following year they'll totally ignore my birthday. They do all seem to appreciate us these days, now that they're all grown up - the baby is 19!! And then they still do things like only 1/3 showing up for Kristian's naming. And maybe then because he got to be the godfather. I'm feeling pissed off at the other two right now because of this. It seems like they love their nieces and nephew when it suits them. And the rest of the time they may as well not exist. My parents gave up treating them as grandchildren a long time ago. I hope it doesn't hurt my mum like it hurts me that this is just the way they are. (Except for the times they surprise me!) I bet Jeff will fall in love with the babies once he lays eyes on them

Posted by: melanie at October 26, 2007 09:13 PM (kNYdZ)

18 A little background is in order. My situation is odd because though technically I'm a step-parent (none of my children are biologically mine) I am the only Dad they have ever, or ever will, know and have a relationship with (one father is deceased and the other is completely fried on drugs, has had NO contact since they were babies). So I have a little more authority than most, particularly with the two youngest (who are now 16 and 1 , but I let Mom call the shots most of the time, though there have been occasions where things got very chaotic with the kids and I had to summon the No-Nonsense Dad within me (as in "This shit stops NOW"). But I digress. Mostly I agree with your rules and they do make sense. The only thing I might add is do NOT let the stepkids use you as a doormat. You may not be their mother, but you have the right to be treated with respect. And as much as Jeff is hurt and confused right now, don't let him pin on you the results of his own choices, since he declined to visit earlier and see the twins with his sister. Sorry to be sticking my nose out this far, but I've dealt with similar situations with my stepson. PS- My wife & I finally met Jim face-to-face tonight at his home. Check your email for more details.

Posted by: diamond dave at October 27, 2007 12:58 AM (fO/h2)

19 I love the list but I must add one. 8. Thou shall not bitch about stepkids to anyone other than another stepmom or thou shall be struck down with great force (not that mom's don't bitch about there kids, but you know, we are evil to start with). As far as the whole "breakfast while watching MTV", I am so right there with you. Picking up there breakfast dishes before was one thing, but with a baby under my arm - ummm, no. And you know what, that's o.k. Because if there parents where still together and there was a new baby, they'd have some extra chores in that situation too.

Posted by: just another jenny at October 27, 2007 08:15 PM (qeFnY)

20 I was a terrible step-parent, I wish I'd had your commandments back then. I never was able to bond or get over the jealousy (mine, not theirs). But my step sons are grown now - 20 and 21, and we get along much better now that I can relate to them as (semi)adults, rather than kids whose upbringing I don't agree with (their mother, oy, don't get me started). It brings me great joy to see how much they love their new little siblings.

Posted by: Carol at October 29, 2007 01:42 AM (19QEy)

21 Wow. Spoken very well if I must say so myself. The last one I would have added is: PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND DEAL WITH IT. I am a step-mother to 3 girls.

Posted by: Cori at October 29, 2007 08:03 PM (wGDlm)

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