I think it's time I faced the music.

I have a confession to make.

As well as eating of the humble pie.

I followed a link someone had to me the other day only to discover the category they had me in. It was a first for me. It was a sign of the times. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times - oh wait. Someone else already went down that route.

Said category I was in was "Mommy Blogger".

And, well, I guess it was accurate.

I used to smirk at those women who wrote about their kids. Mommy blogger! was the implication. Don't you have a life? Jesus Christ, go back to the Mayfair! (yeah I don't know what the whole "Puritan" and "Mommy blogger" connection is there, just go with it.)

In many blogging circles the term "Mommy blogger" is the ultimate insult. It had an implication of being unserious about writing. To some, "mommy blogger" was used to infer the worst kind of insult -

"Botox user!"

"Racist sympathizer!"

"Squirrel shagger!"

"Oh yeah? Well you're a MOMMY BLOGGER!"

(Pause for collective gasp of horror.)

See, as a non-mommy blogger I had a life, complete with matching job, boy and vibrator (it comes in a cute tartan pattern. The vibrator, not the boy.) I have a dog, too. Non-mommy bloggers have dogs. Mommy bloggers have Diaper Genies, SUVs and practical shoes. They don't have lives. They also have hoardes of people who read them who are also mommies, albeit perhaps without the blogs.

And although I wanted to be a mommy, I most definitely did not want to be a mommy blogger. Mommy bloggers were the disdain of the non-mommy blogging community. That, and mommy bloggers had posses who would kick your ass without using spellcheck. Best to avoid that sitch.

Then I got pregnant. It's not like it was an accident, it was something I had been trying to do for a great big long goddamn time. Once pregnant, I found (especially towards the end) that all I had to talk about was the pregnancy. But the truth is, I write about whatever's occupying my mind. I had a rough pregnancy. I had a twin pregnancy. I spent a lot of time peeing in bathtubs. It kinda' makes you think about one subject a lot.

And now I have my babies. I have them here and time is flying and in no time I'll be back to work and my children will be supplying me with dodgy looking desserts from their Ea-z Bake Ovens and performing complicated trigonometry. But until all that starts, I am home with them. Some days it's just me and them and I love that. Some days it's all four of us at home and I love that too. But work, there's no room for that in my thoughts just now, not just because I'm on maternity leave, but because at work there's been a huge re-organization, I'm not sure where my work will lie, and if I think about it I'll just get stressed out. So I spare my brain power.

My blog has always been about what's on my mind. There are a few topics I can't discuss here - I talk about Angus' and my disagreements, but there are limits to what I can or should discuss. I can't talk about my family visits because The Others in my family read this site, and I am just not interested in getting my father and stepmother in trouble. I'm not working so I don't talk about work.

I talk about my babies a lot.

But that's kind of ok with me.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm very in love with my babies. But it's more than that - I love all kinds of things about them. I love that I have a boy and a girl. Seriously. I feel like a kid in a candy store with that, I have a son and a daughter. And you betcha' I dress them in pink and blue every chance I get, mostly to stave off the "Are they both boys or girls?" question, but also because I love standing with one foot in both kingdoms. I have a boy. And a girl. I will have Barbies and trucks and Lego and princess castles and I do not care which sex plays with which - it's all encouraged.

(I lie - I'll totally encourage her to be as masculine as she wants, and he, as feminine.)

I'm not gloating, honest. I'm not "Ha Ha Herman, Charlie Brown" about it. I guess I just feel like I won the lottery. I feel bowled over. I'm a Mommy. No doubt I lost people who read when I got pregnant, as not only do people going through fertility treatment sometimes need to bail on pregnant blogs to protect themselves, but suddenly I was less angst, more pregnancy around here. Maybe I lost people when the babies were born, as suddenly I was less angst/less pregnancy and more "My baby can beat up your baby. Also? Hearts and flowers and ponies and tralala I love poopy diapers." (Which I don't, they're just a part of life.)

The angst is still there, but a part of my angst has abated thanks to the babies. I'm not saying children are a one-way ticket to mental health, but for me they're in part a catharsis - I guess I feel like I can be a better mother to them thanks to the therapy I've been through. Maybe I'm wrong, only time will tell, but I have infinite patience with them due in no small part to the work that needed doing on myself. Some re-plastering, a splash of paint, and I think I'm a better person inside so I can be a better person for them.

I owe a mea culpa to any woman who is a mother and writes about her children. It doesn't make you a mommy blogger. It just means you write about your life. In that same vein, not every post will be about my children, but right now it may tend to be overly baby. I hope you stick around. If not, I understand.

I write about all that I am, and I am many things. I am a woman. I am a partner and a lover. I'm a friend and a hard-worker. I'm damaged and repaired and hopeful.

I'm also a mommy.

And a blogger.

And all of these surround me and define me and make me complete, albeit with a few Band-Aids here and there.

-H.

PS-the doctor visit - both babies are still in the 2nd percentile, proving that no matter how much you feed them, some babies refuse to give up the anorexic chic look. They're both very healthy, just tiny. 8.8 pounds, both of them (Nick finally caught up and weighs the same as Nora!) They don't want us to change formulas, as both babies are hearty eaters and very healthy, they're just small.

As for the shots, Nora screamed once at a volume that could combust glass. Then she looked at the nurses with a "Is that all you got? Bring it, bitches! I can take it!" look, and once she realized the shots were indeed finished she promptly fell asleep. Nick, on the other hand, not only bled like a stuck pig but was as one commenter said - he looked at me with such hurt, such a look of "Mommy? I thought you loved me? How could you betray me like that, hooooooooow?"

Man that hurt. Hurt me, I mean. Him, he recovered with a bottle and a cuddle, but I sure hated feeling like I offered him up as an experiment.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:15 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1311 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I always teared up when my girls got their shots. I think it was harder on me than it was on them.

Posted by: Amy at December 07, 2007 11:19 AM (aPWOJ)

2 Mommy blogger indeed. Don't get hung up on labels. The hardest thing ever was watching my oldest get 14 stitches in her leg when she was 4 years old. Since then, shot's have been no big deal. But I still feel guilty when I see the scar on her leg.

Posted by: ~Easy at December 07, 2007 12:05 PM (WdRDV)

3 Yep, those shots will do it to you. I must confess, even though mine aren't twins I love having a boy and a girl. I feel I get to experience the best of both worlds. And if I catch you in 'Mom Jeans', I am personally catching the next available flight and kicking your ass. I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: Teresa at December 07, 2007 01:56 PM (bIFrJ)

4 I agree with Amy - shots were always much harder on me than my children. RE: writing - it is hard before children to understand how all consuming children are. I remember people telling me "you can't do this or that" when I was pregnant and how it would infuriate me - what I realized is that it isn't a matter of can't but rather a matter of don't want to. Life just changes.

Posted by: Laura at December 07, 2007 01:59 PM (U1yF0)

5 I have recently started a new job in the pediatric recovery room. I see that, "But Mommy...." look every day. It breaks my heart and I', not the mommy. However, as you said, they forget and forgive very quickly as well. As for the mommy blogger thing? You write beautifully about things that matter. I'm with you on the journey.

Posted by: sophie at December 07, 2007 02:40 PM (AY+fk)

6 My mom was thrilled to have boy/girl twins too, but I don't think she ever thought I would play with GI Joes and Legos, and grow up to hate pink

Posted by: geeky at December 07, 2007 02:48 PM (ziVl9)

7 Poor Nick. I'm sure he was well over it after the bottle and cuddle, though. Good for Nora. I frigging HATE needles. Wish I could get away with screaming like that.

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 07, 2007 04:20 PM (/vgMZ)

8 I have nothing against Mommy Bloggers. Heck, I am one! I agree with Easy. You're a woman, a feminist, a best friend, a lover, a fighter, a sex symbol, a mom. It depends on the level of alcohol involved? Heh. And I remember the first shot very, very well, indeed. I cried. My Babylove? Did the same thing Nick did. Just this "Why did you do this to me?" look. My heart was shattered. And they will get bigger. And heatlhier. If you need any proof, just look at my Flickr photostream. Heh.

Posted by: Margi at December 07, 2007 06:30 PM (KF0g8)

9 Oh and I don't think Mom Jeans are a problem with a woman who is back in a SIZE SIX ALREADY. GEEZE. Heh.

Posted by: Margi at December 07, 2007 06:39 PM (KF0g8)

10 So what's wrong with being a mommy blogger? Some of us like to compare experiences with our kids. Sometimes it's "thank God my kids aren't like hers" or "I wish my kids were like that". Or "Damn, I wish I thought of that when my kids did that". Or "Yup, been there before with my kids". There is always something in the mommy blogs you can compare with your own life (if you have kids, that is). Besides, I'd rather read about your babies than your, ahem, personal plumbing problems.

Posted by: diamond dave at December 07, 2007 09:29 PM (VGIT1)

11 that look you got from nick is completely what Pob did to me, it nearly broke my heart. Sorry you had to suffer it.

Posted by: thalia at December 07, 2007 09:55 PM (IGlgm)

12 Oh that shot look! I hate that. Actually, I hate the look you get in the nanosecond between when the first needle goes in and the screaming starts. That's a heart-breaking look.

Posted by: donna at December 07, 2007 09:59 PM (Kco5r)

13 Helen, Whatever people choose to call you or categorize you is totally irrelevant. You writing style and approach are truly amazing. I don't read blogs! However I read these words that you present on a recrurring basis and always know that there will be something interesting and fun to read. Thank you for presenting yourself and your mind for us to share in. Christopher

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at December 08, 2007 03:35 AM (STb8M)

14 I used to hate the doctor visits that included shots, but the babies were always so forgiving. You are not wrong, Helen.

Posted by: kenju at December 08, 2007 04:25 AM (TiGru)

15 Oh Helen, don't worry about being type cast. I am a bipolar blogger, but I write about everything in my life. It doesn't matter, who cares? You're a good and entertaining writer, that's what matters the most.

Posted by: Irene at December 08, 2007 05:34 AM (RL+iu)

16 The Mini got only one today, but I totally wasn't expecting him to get one, and he's already a cranky bastard from teething, so when they stuck him with that needle, he had a complete meltdown. And it's very hard for me to not just start bawling with the kid.

Posted by: statia at December 08, 2007 05:52 AM (lHsKN)

17 Well...I have a love/hate thing going on with labels. They never fit but I do tend to glom onto them just because they are so easy and labels are fun to attach. Except for that darn "doesn't really fit" thing that keeps cropping up. So you're not a "mommy blogger"; you're Helen. Who used to be single but fell in love. Who struggled out of the darkness into the light. Who loves animals with all her heart. Who wishes she could save the whole world from pain. Who currently has two little babies in her care that it is her pleasure and duty to adore and raise up to the utmost of her ability. Who will no doubt in future be various other "Helens", too; Wife Helen, or Return of Career Helen or eventually Menopausal Helen (::waves from my menopausal perch:: lol) or even Bestselling Author Helen. Who knows? Don't limit yourself. "Helen" is a nice stretchy concept; mommy-blogger is too fucking limited for anyone to be. Personally, I always hated it when I'd show up at someone's blog and my blog was listed as *anything*. I've been listed as a sex-blogger, a "submissive woman" blogger, a kink blogger, a humor blogger, even a spiritual blogger. Invariably I get ticked off and deliberately rattle off something anti whatever it was they said I was. Not that it happens much anymore; unlike you, I've taken my blog down altogether several times so my readership shrank a lot. Which was what I wanted. "Cranky Blogger". There! That fits me! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Posted by: The other Amber at December 08, 2007 05:08 PM (zQE5D)

18 I went to a blog meet a couple years ago and someone said, "Oh, and here are a couple Mom bloggers." Or something to that effect. I guess it was the first time they'd had 'Mom bloggers' at their regular blogmeets. I felt myself look around and say, "Where? Where's the Mom blogger?" (Side note, those particular bloggers are some of my closest friends now, the one's that referred to me as a Mom blogger.) I don't consider myself a Mommy blogger. I blog on work, the weird crap that runs around in my head, and oh yeah, I blog on my kids. Its a part of my LIFE. They enrich my life. I consider myself a... diarist. ;-)

Posted by: Bou at December 08, 2007 08:52 PM (fGpp7)

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