As time has passed I've found that my opinions get more and more scant. It's as though a cork has been popped into me and plugs up anything that might be coming out. Over the length of seconds, minutes, days, weeks and months, this has turned me into someone that I don't like. Nobody else likes it either. I feel like a caricature sometimes - "Do you want vanilla or chocolate? Vanilla or chocolate? Huh? Tell me!". My response is usually: "Umm...I dunno. Neither? Both? You decide. No really. Just pick whichever one causes the least amount of contention. That's the one I want."

What I should be doing, is speaking my mind. As in "Jesus, all you have is vanilla or chocolate? I'm a strawberry kind of girl*."

This is my fault, my problem.

And I'm sick of it.

I was looking at a photo of Nora and I this morning. Taken mid-October, I was holding her, and she was a baggy mass of newborn wrinkles. It was her pre-screaming phase, when she was so easy-going and calm and lovely. I looked at that photo and realized how much she's grown in the past 6 weeks. She looks like a real newborn now, not a preemie, and this phase has happened faster than I would have liked.

It's been hard.

But I love it.

Despite her serious unpopularity, Nora's someone I can relate to. She lives life too fast, too hard. It's all new and far too much. Nick is an amazing baby, a calm and gentle soul, someone content to watch the world and sit and stare. I can count on one hand the number of difficult days we've had with him since the jaundice passed. With Nora, I ran out of digits long ago. People don't want to hold her, be around her. Angus and Nora have had a contentious relationship-he says she just screams, pukes and shits, and on the surface it may seem like that, but she's more than that. I've seen it. People avoid her but I know that amazing things are to come. She still screams, but she will get better. I think she is getting better now, actually. The screaming sessions are fewer and fewer.

She tracks me with her eyes now when I walk around the room. I like to tell myself it's because she knows I will champion her when all others walk away. I love the pants off of both my babies, and while Nora needs extra understanding, she'll have it.

Nora needs a voice.

So do I.

It's time I started to make myself heard when something happens I don't like. I need to say what I want and don't want. I need to stop shutting the fuck up and start being clear, no one wants to be around someone who can't choose her fucking ice cream. I will do have my say on everything from baby vests to which politician I support to which flight to take. The meek don't inherit anything apart from a personality complex.

I've been hiding how I'm feeling to everyone, including myself, in an effort to avoid arguments with everyone about everything. This is my fault, I've brought this on myself, no one made me stop talking. But I'm tired of this peaceful life, because it's anything but peaceful. I'm not going to go around picking a fight with everyone, that's not how it works, but when something bothers me I'm going to deal with it. I'm not angry...I'm free.

I've been trying to hustle this newborn period along to get to when they're supposed to get "interesting", people often tell me that the babies aren't yet "interesting", that they will at some point achieve this magical "interesting" status. The truth is, they've been interesting all along. I'm not going to hide or push or change, not anymore, I'm not going to try to race to the next stage. Instead, I'm going to savor every moment, and remember that what I have is amazing and what will come may be even better. She may scream, but she's gorgeous and she's mine. He may stare and consume, but he's fabulous and he's mine.

As are my opinions.

I'm getting them back.

And it feels delightful.

-H.

* Actually, I hate strawberry ice cream. Neapolitan ice cream always looked like Barbie'd done a drive-by.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 02:49 PM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 736 words, total size 4 kb.

1 You go girl! Hold those babies all the time, sleep with them on your chest, love them up and feed them. That's all they need; touch touch and more touch. All you need is to be you, be true to yourself. And like I said, you go girl!

Posted by: Donna at December 04, 2007 02:55 PM (rlHD+)

2 Yay!! Go you! This is the Helen we all know and love.

Posted by: Lisa at December 04, 2007 03:04 PM (EcHBm)

3 Good for you!

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 04, 2007 03:42 PM (/vgMZ)

4 Count me as one of the many who'll cheer you on for being yourself.

Posted by: BeachGirl at December 04, 2007 03:51 PM (RgeoX)

5 Sounds like something I need to do, too. Be less afraid of offending and speak up instead of stewing in it. I don't consider myself a great baby person (give them to me when they're two or three, I can communicate better with them and roughhouse with them too. Oh yeah, they are almost, if not completely, pottytrained). But I love the point when you can see them starting to be set with their own personalities. And that taking in the world stare (like Nick does in your pictures) is really something special to behold. Makes you wonder "What are they thinking?" Whoa, wait a sec. Started acting like a chick there for a moment. Got to get back to the football game. Uh, how bout them Bears?

Posted by: diamond dave at December 04, 2007 03:54 PM (xbbYF)

6 Welcome back, Opinionated Helen!

Posted by: amy t. at December 04, 2007 03:59 PM (3dOTd)

7 I need to take a page from your book. I've been bottling up so much lately so as not to start a fight. And I've become damn unpleasant to be around. My marriage is suffering for the sake of harmony. But easier said than done, sometimes. Sometimes I'm just too tired for the fighting, the debating, the getting backed into a corner, verbally. But I need to stop that. I need to start speaking up too!

Posted by: donna at December 04, 2007 04:09 PM (Kco5r)

8 Does this mean you get to have the babies sleep on your chest and nap with them???? I hope so - because honestly, nothing is better in the WORLD than napping with your babies. I like this quote regarding baby parenting I read recently: "Love them and take good care of them. Comfort them when they cry. Feed them when they are hungry. Hold them as often as you can. Don't worry for a moment about spoiling them by giving them too much attention."

Posted by: suz at December 04, 2007 04:13 PM (GhfSh)

9 I do the same thing, except at grocery stores. Paper or plastic? Um...either? Credit or Debit? Whatever's easier. Not sure I'm strong enough to let out the Opinionated Jennifer, but maybe the Opinionated Helen will give me the courage I need. Best of luck to you and *smooooosh* the babies for me.

Posted by: Jennifer at December 04, 2007 04:39 PM (uaWS3)

10 I'm glad to hear you strike out on your own again. Let your voice ring out! It always has something interesting to say. As for the babies, relax. Of course they are interesting. Savor all of it, if you can. They are never going to be this age again.

Posted by: RP at December 04, 2007 05:06 PM (op1yW)

11 I would bet anything and everything that Nora will be the one who is independent, who doesn't cave to trends or peer pressure, and who is whip smart with a wicked sense of humor. Not that Nick won't or can't be any of those things, but I am guessing he will be the more laid back one, while she will always have a flair for the dramatic. None of these things are a negative-in fact I think it is all good. But I do wonder if that is how they will be. Glad you are finding your voice. In some ways motherhood shakes a woman down to her very core, and it can take a while for her to figure out just where she fits into the picture (besides the obvious). Don't take any shit from anyone, no matter how sassy it makes you. Sass is good; in fact it is my new favorite word.

Posted by: Teresa at December 04, 2007 05:55 PM (rnzgw)

12 I usually lurk, but wanted to say good for you. Don't rush any part of motherhood, you will only regret it later, when you can't get that time back. And on the opinions, you are a grown woman you get to have a say in what happens in your life. I can't wait to read about these opinionated adventures.

Posted by: ethansmama at December 04, 2007 06:06 PM (6ooUu)

13 If it makes you feel better, I was an exceedingly difficult baby. I screamed all the time, I was rarely calm, I needed constant attention. My younger sisters, by contrast, were more Nick-like. I'm almost 21 now, and I am by far the most interesting of the bunch. I'm loud, opinionated, dramatic, independent, trail-blazing, and wickedly sarcastic. My sisters are more calm, cool, collected, and cautious. There's nothing wrong with either, but take heart in that Nora will probably be extremely fun, though difficult in her own way. She'll be a hell of a lot of fun once she passes her tumultuous years, and I bet you two will be the greatest of friends. Nick will be your anchor; Nora will be your challenger. I think everyone needs both.

Posted by: Meredith at December 04, 2007 06:11 PM (Vof9R)

14 Just wondering how you feed both babies at the same time...Do you prop them up on pillows or boppies? I'm trying to figure out how to feed my twins at the same time and would love any assvice. Our twins are actually really close in age. Do you have issues with trying to support their heads or burping when feeding simultaneously? Mine need to be burped mid-feed. Also- how in the hell have you managed to get them to sleep through the night 50% of the time. I'd pay good money for that secret :-) Mine go 4 hours at night when we're lucky... I think our record was a 5 hour stretch and that happened once. Anyway- I've been following your blog. It seems like your doing great. Keep up the good work. Faith

Posted by: Faith at December 04, 2007 06:22 PM (2BU25)

15 Ever since I got pregnant I've felt guilty about having such strong opinions on things. I've nearly stopped blogging because I didn't want to face the conflict I knew my words would incite. Not like my views on breastfeeding are going to start riots or anything, but I've certainly made some people uncomfortable now and again. But you're right - we're so much more interesting when we say what we think. Thanks for saying what YOU think, because I love to read it.

Posted by: uccellina at December 04, 2007 07:18 PM (Cx8y1)

16 You make me so happy to read that. Hold, love, cherish, nap with, console, kiss, giggle with, whatever you want to with your little ones. Because time? It whooshes by.

Posted by: Margi at December 04, 2007 08:34 PM (KF0g8)

17 "I'm going to savor every moment, and remember that what I have is amazing and what will come may be even better"......that is the formula for life, my dear. You've learned the secret.

Posted by: kenju at December 04, 2007 09:01 PM (TiGru)

18 It's true, silence (even in an attempt to keep peace) is a cancer. he says she just screams, pukes and shits That's what kids 6 weeks and under do. Not like they can discuss philosophy or play tennis. : ) I understand it's joyous when they smile at the site of you, reach for you, and can at least be awake without screaming, and that's right around the corner. Enjoy the hear and now if you can (even if lots of screaming is going on), because sooner than you think (and Angus knows this) they'll be 13 and on the verge of manhood and womanhood. Then you'll be begging for the sweet infant, puking, crapping, screaming days. : ) Lucky me. I get both simultaneously. : )

Posted by: Solomon at December 04, 2007 09:08 PM (al5Ou)

19 You're going to sit down, shut up and give me that fucking money you owe me. And you'll get butter pecan AND LIKE IT. It makes me hot when you get all "fuckin' whore NO. I WANT Strawberry."

Posted by: statia at December 04, 2007 09:55 PM (lHsKN)

20 She's ba-aack!! You rock on friend, I read your blog because I love your opinions, if I didn't, I wouldn't bother coming back (except for the delicious baby pics!) Good to see you voicing how you feel!!

Posted by: Super Sarah at December 04, 2007 10:59 PM (mKfJc)

21 Oh Helen, how I understand. My Jake is just like Nick. Happy, easy, smiley, just a little champ. Hailey is my trouble, she's sassy, crabby, a diva. And I hear it a lot. How everyone wants to hold Jake, or feed Jake cause he's "easier". She's harder to feed, doesn't want to be cuddled, she's tougher to get a smile out of. I always feel bad for her, and I want to cherish her little independent personality, not make her into something she isn't. You are such an awesome mom. It's just so evident.

Posted by: Erica at December 05, 2007 02:52 AM (D6tE/)

22 Instead, I'm going to savor every moment, and remember that what I have is amazing and what will come may be even better. Spoken like a great parent. Lots of people told me that my kids would eventually get interesting. I will grant you that I really enjoy the things that I can do with them now that they're walking and talking, but I miss the time when they were so small that I could hold them in the crook of my forearm and sing them gently to sleep. And all of the firsts that I got to experience: first smile, first sitting up, first rolling over, first, steps, first words, first reciprocal hug and most especially the first time that they said "I love you too, daddy." Every part of your children's lives are moments to treasure and remember, even the hard times. Especially the hard times. I remember the vaccinations that my son received around 6 months. He was happy and smiling in the doctor's office, so proud that he was being a good boy. And then the needle went in. It wasn't the look of pain that got to me. It was the look of hurt and betrayal. Ugh. It's been almost 5 years and I still haven't recovered from that one. But he grabbed tight onto me and let me hug, kiss and comfort him until he was happy again. That's what I'll remember most. Your babies will always be an endless source of amazement, amusement, joy, love and yes, frustration. But it is all so worth it.

Posted by: physics geek at December 05, 2007 02:51 PM (MT22W)

23 Great to hear Helen. Congratulations on discovering this to fix it.

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at December 05, 2007 03:20 PM (STb8M)

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