I have a confession to make.

OK, so, you know last night was Oscar night.

I know-in the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal. Oscar night does not change the price of your stock portfolio. It does not solve the problem of world hunger. It does not end that pesky little trouble of preventing tights from getting snags.

But what Oscar night is, is fucking great.

My confession? I love the Oscars.

I used to be huge on watching the Oscars. It was a big deal to me, and a routine went with it-I would have popcorn. The couch would be fully occupied by the space of my butt for the duration of the awards. I would - I can't believe I'm telling you this - cut out the list of nominees and categories from the newspaper and tick off the winners. I would then keep the list for ages, for reasons unknown even to myself.

I would try to see all the films nominated, or at least those in the main categories. The best foreign films were generally on their own though (unless I was dating an indie freak, then I seemed to have known them all AND could have told you how many times in total there were penis and/or beaver shots in the films), and the categories of Best Short Film and Best Documentary became known in my home as Best Time To Go Make More Popcorn. I went through untold amounts of Diet Cherry Coke (my drinking years really only kicked off once I moved to Sweden, although I like to think what my reaction would have been to the Oscars halfway through a bottle of cabernet - "Helly Billy! Yo! Crystal! Yeah, you! How about a few fewer musical numbers, you nutsack?")

In short, I loved the Oscars.

I also watched the Emmys, because I want to make one thing clear-I'm not an elitist. I worship both film AND television (except the Daytime Emmy Awards. I didn't care about those, I just tuned in to the results to check and see if Susan Lucci ever won.) I have equal amounts of time for both of them, my adoration to the celluloid world of people who don't exist is complete. The Grammys can go fuck themselves, and who the hell even watches the Tony awards? The Golden Globes weren't really a big thing yet when I left the States, but I suspect I would have been a Golden Globe junkie too. It had all the right elements-big party frocks and an "I'm an everyday kind of gal/guy" attitude that the Oscars don't have. I think you could even get by with drinking a beer at the Golden Globes, it's that laid back (rather like the MTV Awards, in which I'm sure even the theatre seats smell like pot.)

I even remember me some Oscars. I remember Geena Davis winning for Accidental Tourist, and at the time I adored her ice blue gown. Looking back now, that dress is clearly something she ripped from a 19 year-old Cinderella extra at Disneyland, but at the time, it was amazing. I remember Joe Pesci winning and giving the best speech in history - he went up to the mike, took the award, shook hands with the presenter, turned to the podium and said, "It's my privilege, thank you." and walked off.

Beautiful. Just the right combinations of "This is cool, thanks" and "Fuck off".

I laughed at Roberto Begnini's antics (what the hell happened to that guy? He just disappeared after that film). I remember being shocked with Whoopi Goldberg won, as well as wondering just what she was thinking when she left the house dressed like that. I was equally surprised when Marisa Tomei won (she later went on to haunt me with the following seriously crap films which I always seem to watch when feeling very hormonal, thus there I am crying at a very crap Marisa Tomei film. I clearly did something to her in a past life to get paid back like this.) I remember rooting for The English Patient and L.A. Confidential. I remember loathing James Cameron. I cried at every one of those montages where they showed the icons and stars who had died that year (I cried, as well as often exclaimed "He's dead, too? When did that happen?")

As a kid of course I used to have my own Oscar speeches. I was always thrilled to win the Best Actress Oscar, going up to the podium to accept my award in the world's most gorgeous gown and accepting my award from either Sean Astin or the New Kids on the Block (SHUT UP, I was a kid!) where I would wipe a few tears away, thank the cast and crew of my film, hold my hand on my heart and thank Meryl Streep (who would be crying and blowing kisses at me, her handkerchief clutched to her throat) as the world's greatest mentor, and I would dedicate my Oscar to all the little girls who want to be an actress, just like I used to. I would have a standing ovation (of course), and the orchestra wouldn't play their music before I had finished, because they were that nice to me.

I have to further confess that as I grew up, my Oscar speech changed. As an adult I would be presented the Oscar by George Clooney who would graciously kiss me (Mmmmmmmm......give me a moment here.) My Oscar would be for Best Screenplay, and I would thank Steven Speilberg (who would be crying and blowing kisses at me, his handkerchief clutched to his throat) for interpreting my words so perfectly with his direction. I would thank the main actor and actress of the film - Gwenyth Paltrow and Tom Hanks (both of whom would be crying and blowing kisses at me, their handkerchiefs clutched to their throats, in case you see a theme here) for bringing my beloved characters to life. I would choke and admit that my screenplay and book were my life, my dream, and the total embodiment of all my hopes. I wouldn't cry (like the aforementioned Gwenyth - you should never come apart like that on the Oscar stage, it isn't done) but I would be the epitome of gratitude and love. Once off-stage I'd do my press conference, and then go to a few after-Oscar parties snuggling into my man, and then get snapped going for tacos at Taco Bell and the headlines the next day would scream "Golden Winner Proves She's a Real Woman, Too!"

Yeah, OK. I know it'll never happen, but still. It was a nice diversion when in business meetings.

So I love the Oscars. They used to air the show in Sweden and I'd watch them in the middle of the night. Over here we don't get the coverage, but I devour the websites and will be buying the magazines (People magazines annual coverage of the Oscar gowns is always an orgasmic edition for me.)

So no Oscars for me here, although E! did air their Red Carpet pre-show (will someone PLEASE get rid of this Ryan Seacrest schmuck?) I feel pretty cut up about missing the Oscars themselves, but I'll get the magazines. I read the websites. I still pretend it could happen to me (it won't) and I still love the obscene glamour and pageantry of the whole thing, even if I don't get my popcorn and my checklist of winners anymore.

Hi. My name is Helen, and I'm an Oscar addict.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:53 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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1 We have a tradition at our house where al of us fill out our own Oscar ballots and whoever gets the most right gets their picture taken with an Oscar replica. My wife has won it the last 3 years, but I am pleased to announce that I won it last night. So I'd like to thank the Academey. It has indeed been a privelege. Now, where's my goodie bag?

Posted by: ~Easy at February 26, 2007 12:26 PM (eVLXY)

2 I share your addiction. I wanted last night to be the best ever, but alas, it was only mediocre. Ellen was good, but not great. Everyone behaved (for which I am glad; no protests, etc.) but they were almost too polite. Dresses were elegant and showed the trend to the old-world glamour of the 40's and 50's. The chit chat written for the presenters was better than in past years - but boring. The only comic relief was when little Jaden Smith flubbed the lines he was reading and nearly jumped the gun on the next award. But he is so cute, we clapped for him anyway! I was pulling for Eddie Murphy in Dreamgirls, but he didn't win. It's a pity; he was excellent in it! Oops, hope that's not giving info you didn't want yet. I watched every minute of the 5 hours. The Barbara Walters Special was on at 7 pm and then there was 30 mins. of red-carpet chat (inane) and the show started at 8:30 and went overtime to about 12:15. Way too long, and there was only one production number. Any questions? I'll be glad to fill in the gaps for you.

Posted by: kenju at February 26, 2007 12:56 PM (L8e9z)

3 Rejoice - they do have it over here! It is only live on Sky Movies at 1:30 am though unfortunately. I wasn't willing to shell out money for sky movies but some friends ordered it for a month just so we could all watch it. (We are fanatics just like you.) I am so tired today! But hey - heads up the 2 hours oscar highlights are on sky one tonight at 10 pm - thats what I ended up watching last year. Not exactly the same but it was nice to see something.

Posted by: Lee at February 26, 2007 01:19 PM (lN4Rc)

4 And here I thought I was the only one with the Awards-show obsessions since I was a kid. It's been years since I've actually written out my ballots, though. I did have to stop myself from doing them for fear of the looks from my boyfriends at the time.

Posted by: amber at February 26, 2007 02:28 PM (+QIvh)

5 Be sure to watch the Will Ferrell and Jack Black duet on YouTube!

Posted by: geeky at February 26, 2007 03:23 PM (ziVl9)

6 Screw the awards. Just give me the shwag bag.

Posted by: amy t. at February 26, 2007 03:38 PM (3dOTd)

7 I'm bewildered; I thought it was aired over there? I'm sorry you missed it, I'm also a huge "fan". It was more subdued this year than I think I've ever seen it before but perhaps appropriate considering how batshiat craz-ee the Rich and Famous have become recently. It was nice to see that there are still celebrities who aren't in rehab. Okay, I fell asleep halfway through. Still... Helen Mirren was SMOKIN' HOT, wasn't she?! I'm not kidding, we were all stunned at her beauty. And I don't *think* she's had work; if she has, I couldn't see where. Very nice to see a woman who isn't trying to look 20 when she's 60. Beautiful dress, beautiful looks, just wonderful. Joan Rivers was hosting on TVGuide channel and OMG, what a difference! I know she's older than Mirren but she's had SO much work done, she looks like an alien poodle. Just...wow. I read somewhere that the reason people go back again and again to get plastic surgery is that as you age, if you've had work done on your face, your face doesn't age the *same* anymore. One side slips more than the other, etc. This happens with us all but at least if you haven't done anything to your face, the sagging stays somewhat together. But when they go in there and start cutting and pulling the skin, it will never "age" correctly again. One eye will come down more than the other, one side of the mouth more, etc., you get the picture. And Joan's face is doing that; one eye was below the other eye and you can see how the whole face has been pulled up but now it's slipping...gross. Like Spielberg's wife who was so very beautiful and I'm sure she would have aged wonderfully on her own but she's had her face and lips done so much, she's ruined her once stunning good looks. Okay, you weren't looking for a treatise on elective plastic surgery, lol. And yes, please look up the Jack Black, Will Farrell thing on YouTube, funny stuff.

Posted by: Amber (the other one) at February 26, 2007 03:56 PM (zQE5D)

8 OH MY GOD-the Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C Reilly skit was brilliant. I just watched it on YouTube. I laughed until I cried ("MARK WAHLBERG! WHERE ARE YOU? I won't mess with you, you're actually kinda bad ass." Yeah, seriously-my Buddy loving just never ends.)

Posted by: Helen at February 26, 2007 03:59 PM (eNrfz)

9 Excellent - so this is the place where I DON'T have to feel guilty that I sat my ass down on the couch at 3 for the pre-show fashion parade (two channels/flipping!!), and didn't get up 'til 10 when Baba Wawa bored me. I loved the whole show. And I'll take that George moment as well - yum!

Posted by: loribo at February 26, 2007 04:04 PM (d7BMO)

10 You come sit next to me, Loribo. Popcorn?

Posted by: Helen at February 26, 2007 04:13 PM (eNrfz)

11 Will do - microwave, no transfats And you MUST check out the Fug girls live blogging of the Oscars. It's almost like being there: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2007/02/fugging_the_oscars_1.html

Posted by: loribo at February 26, 2007 04:18 PM (d7BMO)

12 Love the Oscars too! Can't miss it ever, which annoys my husband to no end. He's just glad now that award season is over. Because I? Have to watch them all. Golden Globes are actually my favorites, I also like the SAG awards too. Shorter and much more fun. But I thought Ellen was a great host last night. Hopefully you'll get to see some of her stuff.

Posted by: donna at February 26, 2007 05:10 PM (Np8VQ)

13 I don't even know who you ARE anymore.

Posted by: statia at February 26, 2007 05:11 PM (NsnoE)

14 Ryan Seacrest? Not going anywhere until the American Idol ship sinks (he hosts it). Even then, it sounds like he's taking over for Dick Clark on New Years Eve. He has a radio show and hosts E! News. Overexposed much? I actually stayed awake for the entire show last night. It dragged on until 11:30pm central for fucks sake. Ellen did a good job - kept things light but used "I'd hate to follow that!" too many times.

Posted by: Michele at February 26, 2007 05:11 PM (5VGFA)

15 I grew up in Hollywood so of course I've always watched the Oscars. I still do, though I miss the rambling, drunken speeches from the 1970s and 80s. Me? I love when it runs over, love when people keep talking over the music, wear stuff that is freakish. And yeah, the red carpet. Mmm.

Posted by: Ezpy at February 26, 2007 06:32 PM (foP5G)

16 So do it then - Write your screenplay - You can, I have faith in you even if you don't. You say you want to write, No? I watch the Academy Awards every year too. Unfortunately last night I fell asleep before the good stuff probably around 11:30pm and woke briefly just to see Helen Mirren get best actress. Diet Cherry Coke!!! oh yes, Do they carry that in the markets over there. I don't see it much over here anymore (VA.) in 2 liters or even 12 packs but now we have Cherry Coca Cola Zero that has just come out. Love, Love, Love it.

Posted by: kimmykins13 at February 26, 2007 07:51 PM (iy13m)

17 While we're "coming out" ... I too am an Oscars addict and cry through all the speeches - even the ones for people I don't know and couldn't care less about. My husband despairs at coming in to the room and seeing me snivelling to some guy getting an award for "Best sound production in a Belgian Western" (ok ... you get the idea...). The funny thing is that I'm actually married to an Australian film director and when we have done red carpet events (obviously in Oz on a much smaller scale) it's just lots of standing around! Only major upside if the free champagne is GREAT! :-)

Posted by: flikka at February 26, 2007 09:45 PM (VefMs)

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