So on Friday I bunked off work early (I had actually earned this-I worked very long hours last week writing technical documents that made my eyes cross) in order to purchase clothing to accommodate the needs of my burgeoning waistline. When I was last in the States I bought a pair of jeans from Old Navy (complete with stretchy, revoltingly fluffy bunny fleece ice cream cone waistband), a pair of black work trousers, and a pair of shorts (foolish, foolish Helen. It's been raining and cold for the past 10 days straight here. What was I thinking?)

But the thing is, unless you're wearing your pajamas all the time (which, let's be honest, I am), then you get pretty sick of the ice cream cone jeans and the black trousers. Reaaaaaly sick of them. It was time to make some amends to the wardrobe.

The thing is, I've been able to wear most of my regular clothes anyway, because:

1) I suffer from low self-esteem (to which you're smacking your forehead and rolling your eyes, saying "Noooooo! Really?")
2) I like my clothes to be roomy and comfy so I buy clothes one size up from what I really wear - although I choose to wear a 14 here (U.S. size 10), I'm really a 12 (U.S. size . I just can't bear fitted clothes.
3) see # 1
4) Even though I'm four months pregnant, I've seen pictures of other four month pregnant women and I look way less pregnant than they do. And I'm carrying twins. I'm some kind of carnie freak. I worry this means I'll explode in a haze of purple stretch marks in a few months' time.

So yeah. The need hasn't been huge, but I can't go around with my zippers just unzipped anymore, the clothes, they do not fit.

So off to the shops then.

I went to a nearby Next shop. Now, I like Next. Next is ok. Next is the first shop I stopped at on my first visit to the UK, when I had under-planned a visit to the biting cold that is an English winter and desperately needed gloves and a scarf. I knew that Next had maternity gear, so I decided to see what they might have for someone that's pretty loathe to invest much money in preggo clothes.

I found a number of empire-style tops and such, but they had ridiculous patterns. It's like stepping back into the 80's, when women were expected to wear pinafores and little ribbons around their necks as they work the "Seriously, We Are the Antithesis of Sexy" look. Maternity clothes used to be (I think) a form of punishment, the scarlet letter A for those whose uteruses (uteri?) had removed the "For Let" signs. I know that for most pregnant isn't considered a time for women to be hot-Angus is not a fan of the pregnant look, he doesn't think women "glow" or are "femininely sexy", to him the pregnant woman is just that - pregnant. I must say I'm feeling pretty sexy lately (it must be the hormones), and I certainly don't want to strap myself into something that's the polyester equivalent of a chastity belt.

I picked up a few things to try on, as maybe I was just being ridiculous and slightly over-sensitive and what woman doesn't want to be swathed in fleecy ice cream cones? I grabbed the UK size 12 (one size smaller than I used to wear) since I felt I needed to get a grip on this self-esteem issue (which is always a bold move when you're up 7 kg on the scale. Nothing says "love thyself" than seeing your body creep up 15 pounds.) I tried on the froopy, cutesy empire shirts and they worked well-the only area that's growing on me is my waist, my arms and shoulders are the same size, so the clothes fit well.

As I was leaving, I asked the attendant if that was all the maternity clothing they had.

"Oh that's not maternity," the size-00 attendant replied. "Those are for our larger women. This store doesn't stock maternity clothes." She adjusted her sparkly superfluous belt around her malnourished hips and went about her business.

What? They don't have maternity clothes? These ridiculous patterns are what the shop felt was best intended for plus-size women? Moreover, the cut and pattern of the clothes is perfectly aligned for the pregnant folk (and in fact, I was one of three knocked up chicks perusing the section), yet they expect non-pregnant women to wear these cutesy cuts? NO ONE but a pregnant person looks ok in these cuts, mostly because all the shape of the clothing does is reaffirm to people that there is a bun in the oven, but also because people expect pregnant women to radiate "I've already done that sex bit, so move along". Are plus-sized women horrified at this kind of selection? What, do shops think that because women are a few sizes more they need to be interpreted as someone with an active uterus?

And moreover, when did a size 12 get labelled as a plus-size? I'm not the tiniest of chicks, but if a size 4 is the norm then hand me the nachos please, because I want off the island.

Anyway, I selected a soft dress that has absolutely no waistline and room to grow that I can wear for work. I chose one of the least cutesy tops I could find, which is a top in a dark purple color. And I picked up a casual summer dress that's also empire waisted, so that I can wear it around the house and shops. It's shockingly short, but I figured-Fuckit. My legs look fine. I may not be the hottest chick in town, but I feel pretty sexy, and just because I'm a constipated incubator, it doesn't mean I can't try to feel good about how I look.

As I was perusing the stock one more time, I saw a soft, airy white cotton dress. It was so lovely. I looked at it and immediately though of E.M. Forster's Room With a View - I could wear it and spank the Edwardian ass. I saw myself in it, serving up gin and tonics in our sun-filled garden (though not drinking one, of course), with a wide-brimmed straw hat and daintily polished toes as I tiptoed through the gentle grass and laughed in a delicate and tinkly laugh at my guests' witticisms.

(I might have been channeling a bit of Gone With the Wind there, I could be wrong.)

I had to try it on. They only had it in a size 10, but as the waist was also quite high, I figured me and my Lemonheads could fit in it. I would look like the perfect English-American-pregnant-with-twins-but-not-suffering-swollen-ankles hostess. I would flit, I would float, I would fleetly flee I'd fly.

I headed back to the dressing room, holding the white cotton dress seperate from the other maternity-like clothes, whose very presence could besmirch the purity that was my perfect summer outfit. I got into a dressing room, pulled the curtain (Yeah, um, seriously, Next - consider real doors. It won't kill you.) and took off my clothes, leaving on only my bra, knickers, and Family Guy socks (thanks, Teresa!). I smiled at my curvy stomach with Helena Bonham Carter kindness. I unzipped the side of the dress, lifted up the layers of white dress and started to slide it over my head. I was Emma Thompson. I was grace. I was in perfect harmony with my inner woman.

I was also clearly pretty hormonal, because once I got it on I looked like I had seized a sheet off the bed and decided to work it, a la toga style. The dress made my waist look wider than the state of Montana. My breasts were held up in the empire-waist style, but they also looked like you should put a quarter between them and then pull my arm and see if you could hit the jackpot. I have seldom looked worse in a dress than that one. If flour sacks become the rage, I'm going back for that dress, because it worked the baking angle in every way, shape, and form.

My Forster dreams collapsed, I frowned and immediately started to pull it off my head. I was angry. I had to be cleared of this white hot molten cotton mess as fast as possible. In these situations, I typically don't think I just react, and my reaction was to angrily remove the dress by seizing the bottom and heaving it upwards. This meant the dress turned inside out as it was coming up. This was, clearly, a mistake.

Because I'd forgotten to unzip the side before I started taking it off.

I was stuck.

I couldn't get my arms back down as my shoulder conveniently decided to lock. I couldn't get the dress back down because I was swathed in those previously cute looking layers of white cotton. I could see myself through the mirror, and there I was-my stomach riding high over the tops over my underwear and, in this position with my arms raised, I didn't look pregnant, I just looked like the Dorito eating champion of the world. And I noticed with a start that there was a hole in the front of my black lace knickers.

I struggled some more. I couldn't move. I was stuck in a white cotton straightjacket. I started swearing.

"Are you ok in there?" came a voice from the other side of the divider.

"Er...yes. Just a problem with a dress," I replied. I was getting hot battling my nemesis white dress. My face felt like it was on fire.

Suddenly, my curtain parted. I froze like a deer in the headlights. I couldn't even cover my bits as my arms were stuck above my head.

"Oh you poor dear," said a voice.

Oh. My. God.

There's a woman standing there witnessing my retail horror. And I was not invisible, she could see me. And she could see my pants. And they have a hole in them. And my bra doesn't match. And my baby paunch was hanging perversely over the top of my pants, like I was Roseanne Barr or something.

But hey-at least she was wearing one of the cutesy empire waist shirts, so there was some karma.

"Is everything ok over here?" came the voice of the attendent with the praying mantis body.

OH GOD, NOT HER. If anyone is to witness my downfall, let it be Angus, let it be Oprah, let it be Hootie and the Blowfish, just don't let it be the super skinny chick.

But of course she saw.

I'm fairly certain I heard the Lemonheads sniggering at that point.

"You're stuck," she said flatly.

Ten out of ten for the fucking obvious, babe.

"I think that's not your size," she says, observing me and taking in the unmistakable curve of a stomach that hasn't seen situps in over 4 months. I saw her lip curl. I saw her twitch, like the only way she was going to get out of the situation ok was if she dropped and gave us 20.

"Actually, it fit ok, I just forgot to unzip it," I say desperately. Why are we talking when they can see my Family Guy socks?

The two women reach over and help me get the dress off, at which point I lose an ear, the skin off my left shoulder, and any shred of dignity I had left.

The attendant hands me the now crumpled dress. "Shall I get you another size?" she asks archly.

"No," I reply firmly. "No, that dress and I are done now." I shake my hair out of my eyes and see myself in the mirror-my face is the color of an angry sunburn and I have static electricity giving my hair that absent minded professor look.

I get dressed with whatever confidence I have left, pay for my other two dresses and shirt, and leave. That feeling sexy bit that I referred to earlier? Yeah. DUST IN THE WIND.

White cotton is clearly something made by the devil.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:19 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 2070 words, total size 11 kb.

1 LMAO... oh dear. You told the story so well. A friend of mine found herself in similar circumstances in Karen Millen a few months ago - although I think they HAVE doors on the changing rooms. The poncho\smock\bag look seems to be big this year. I'm a size 14 as well and barely topping 5 foot (but not preggers) means I look like a bag of old socks trying on the 'latest fashion'.

Posted by: Elisa at May 14, 2007 12:11 PM (6/XCd)

2 A Pea in the Pod has wonderful maternity, not frumpy smocks, but fabulous things. Even lingerie. Check them out online. Pregnant sex is the best, isn't it?

Posted by: Teri at May 14, 2007 12:30 PM (K7jOL)

3 I think you're a little out on the US/UK Size conversions. There should be only 1 size difference. UK 10/US 8 UK 12/US 10. However it can vary from store to store based on whether they have moved on from the sizing standards set up in the 50's!! And don't get me started on clothing for 'Plus sizes'. I am so bad at working out what looks good that my pregnant friends still managed to look better dressed than me, given that their options for decently styled clothes were so limited, that's a pretty mean feat. So, here's where they shopped, Dorothy Perkins for general stuff http://www.dorothyperkins.com/ http://www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk limited stores couple in the home counties, but online/catalogue too. There is also a nice store called "Blooming Marvellous" http://www.bloomingmarvellous.co.uk/ my friend who I give the "best dressed" award to each year (has 3 kids <5 and still manages to colour co-ordinate her Jewellery!!) Liked that store although it was a little pricey given the short duration for which she would wear it. She used to justify it by saying that it was about the same length as a clothing 'season'. Floaty dresses look bad.... always...only Kate Moss and her Skeletal crew can carry them off, oh and 3 yr old girls..

Posted by: Jayne at May 14, 2007 01:07 PM (q5uvl)

4 Hey, look, you're already collecting Lemonhead stories! And yes, plus sizes suck. I'm a plus size but I'm 5' 0" so all my shirts hang to my knees - not pleasant. And the styles suck and the fabrics suck and .. no wonder I'm fasion challenged.

Posted by: Hannah at May 14, 2007 01:13 PM (5w+E2)

5 Jayne-I thought there was a one size difference, too, but a website told me otherwise. Maybe the world is getting biased. Dunno, but I do know I owe you for the links-I hit Blooming Marvellous' sale section like a sailor on shore leave, and have an order coming my way now. Teri - I loooooove Pea in the Pod. Too bad they bend me over for the shipping charges. May see if my Dad is planning on coming to visit, then I can ship them to him and he can bring them over. Thanks!

Posted by: Helen at May 14, 2007 01:40 PM (gzjSb)

6 OMG - it sounds just like something that would happen to me. I see clothes - get pictures in my head - and then crash and burn with the reality that despite all hoping I am not built for most clothes. Hopefully some day a smart woman with fashion sense and realistic expectations for what things should cost will start an empire for the rest of us....which I think is probobly most of us...sigh. (have you tried Gap online? - they have a lot of maternity stuff as does Target)

Posted by: cursingmama at May 14, 2007 01:41 PM (PoQfr)

7 OMG, I would have died of embarrassment! Or punched one of them. Or maybe both. I probably shouldn't mention this because I know you don't have Target over there, but I think their maternity clothes are super cute. In fact, I wish they made their maternity clothes in regular sizes, because I like them better than the regular clothes!

Posted by: geeky at May 14, 2007 02:07 PM (ziVl9)

8 I know what you mean about plus-size clothes looking like the rejects from the Pucci House of Fashion in the 70's and 80's. Gag me. I tried on some of those empire-waist tops last week and they just accentuated my already too large looks-like-a-pregnant-grandma belly.

Posted by: kenju at May 14, 2007 02:49 PM (DBvE5)

9 Ehh, I don't know what the problem is. I think that pregnant women are sexy; I'm sure that you're no different. Just ignore the anorexic "need more bbrraaaiiinnnnss" chicks. Show them what a real woman looks like.

Posted by: physics geek at May 14, 2007 02:52 PM (MT22W)

10 I, too, am a plus size - only I'm tall so I carry it all funny. Any-hoo, I just wanted to say that those empire waist things make everyone look preggers, even if you're not. I had a dress like that in high school when I was a twig and it STILL made me look like that. Funny story... yes, you will be having lots of funnies to share with the Lemonheads!

Posted by: sue at May 14, 2007 03:03 PM (WbfZD)

11 I second (third?) Target's really nice maternity clothes-should your Dad came to visit you should send him a package first. I will keep my eyes peeled for you-maternity clothes can seriously suck. And don't even get me started on empire waists. As a buxom gal you know that shit just hangs off the boobs and hides all will evidence of being a female and instead just screams potato sack. If they just would have looked at the Family Guy socks none of this would have happened.

Posted by: Teresa at May 14, 2007 03:15 PM (wFNOt)

12 Old Navy has a maternity line of clothing as well. I am sorry for your embarassment but you write so well my imagination had a clear picture of you stuck, you can laugh about it later on! :-)

Posted by: Steff at May 14, 2007 03:43 PM (fIFtd)

13 LMAO, hon. What a trip. I may be the ONLY plus sized chick who doesn't look preggo in those empire waist things. Of course, I have huge boobs and a long waist, so that helps, even though I am short. But yes, I do resent the UGLINESS of the selections, which is why I only shop in stores like Torrid that have CUTE clothes.

Posted by: caltechgirl at May 14, 2007 04:38 PM (r0kgl)

14 Helen next time bring a bag of Big Mac's with you. You know how garlic repels the vampire, the Big Mac will keep the skinny judgement witch away. Seriously, I don't even go to the dressing rooms anymore. The last thing I want to see is my pasty white ass naked in front of a full length mirror with that glaring white light shining down on and exposing every ripple on this aging body. Unless I'm buying something for a speical occation I usually take my casual selection straight to the register and get the hell outta there. I try the stuff on without the dressing room security camaras in the privacy of my own home, and if it doesn't fit...it goes back on my next errand trip out around town.

Posted by: Heidi at May 14, 2007 04:52 PM (Sx4cq)

15 Hmm, so does this mean I'm the only one who thinks those flowing empire waist shirts are cute?? Don't tell me husband, I just can't let him win this one! Glad you made it out of the dress. I can't even tell you how many times those sneaky little zippers on the side have made a fool of me!

Posted by: Erin at May 14, 2007 04:56 PM (VkeXi)

16 OH NOES! *laughs and commiserates at the same time* Oh Oh Oh! AHAHAHAHA! That has almost happened to me, too. I have gotten stuck before and just stood there sweating it and pulling and trying not to tear the clothes. I've always managed to extricate myself but there have been a couple of times I thought I'd have to ask for help and by god the merest thought of that just made me want to disappear into the floor. At least you're not alone, Helen, lol! I'll bet most of us have had that happen too.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 14, 2007 07:33 PM (zQE5D)

17 Well I have never gone with a woman to buy a dress ao this was interesting. I hope your happy with what you finally bought.

Posted by: DR John at May 14, 2007 08:11 PM (vAWbT)

18 FWIW, when my ex was pregnant, she lost wieght for two months, then gained. However, by the time she delivered, given the eventual size of our daughter (9 lbs 3 oz), my ex was way below her expected weight at delivery. The pediatrician never explained the why or how of it, but my ex apparently burned off a lot of fat during her pregnancy, and essentially she traded fat space for baby space. There was no special dieting involved, unless you count that my ex ate pretty much anything that came within reach for a few months, then settled into a heavy-duty fruit craving to supplement normal mealtimes. I've never heard of such a thing happening to anybody before or since, but I can only hope you're blessed with what I would guess was her metabolism ramp-up while pregnant. My two bits..

Posted by: palamedes at May 14, 2007 09:11 PM (cq3pU)

19 Hmmph.... She should have a pair of Muppets PJ's to wear about the house. Then anytime she feels down.. Kermit will sing... "Its not easy being Three....".

Posted by: LarryConley at May 15, 2007 02:36 AM (NxPtK)

20 I had only a few things that I really liked maternity wise. I wore the shit out of them and now I never want to see them again.

Posted by: statia at May 15, 2007 04:34 AM (KcrOI)

21 Reminds me of an incident at one of our SCA (medieveal reenactment) wars a few years ago. We were camped out with a group of our friends, and Jen had gone into the tent to change. The garb she usually wears (14th century) involves a form-fitting cotton underdress under a larger, bulkier outer dress - a recipie for disaster, expecially when one is changing in a tiny tent. I heard the familiar cry from inside of "John...I need help with my dress" I valiantly rushed inside to help. What was heard from outside the tent by our friends a few moments later was a very shrill Jen yelling "No, on!!! ON!!! Not off!!!" I think I actually got applause from my friends when I finally emerged.

Posted by: maolcolm at May 15, 2007 09:51 AM (XQhLo)

22 Yes, plus size women are horrified at what is available to them. It is totally and utterly unfair. The years I spent as plus size were made 10x more miserable becauuse of the clothing. Luckily, I lost 135 pounds and all is good, but I really still feel for women who are stuck there. It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are forced to wear really ugly shit. BTW, Ponchos don't look good on ANYONE.

Posted by: Dani at May 16, 2007 10:38 PM (0YJjk)

23 I'm a fattie that has actually bought some stuff IN the maternity section of some stores before. Seriously, there are some really cute tops and skirts around for pregnant women. ^_^ I don't care if someone thinks I'm pregnant as a result. They sometimes think it anyway. People tend to think that is the only acceptable reason to have a big belly or fat on the body. :-p

Posted by: crunchie-hime at May 17, 2007 04:18 AM (Cg7Hy)

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