The other day I followed a link to a blog that linked to me (I check these things sometimes, it's always nice to know who's out there in the ether). This blog is in a foreign language, one of whom the only thing I know how to say is "A beer, please," (because really-does one need to say anything more than that in life?). But I used Babelfish to tell me what the hell was going on and, although Babelfish is ridiculously clumsy, I think I got the gist of it.

Basically, the blog was wondering why people go through IVF to have their own biological children.

My immediate reaction upon reading this blog was "We do it because it's so much goddamn fun!". My second reaction was "Fuck you." My third reaction was "Fuck you." My fourth reaction - post-tranquilizer and a glass of wine - was "Fair enough question, I guess, you should dial it down a bit, Hel. And I was just - ooooooh, look! Something sparkly!"

The answer to why some women want to try for biological kids is simple. It's "Because." The same answer you give to a 5 year-old asking why they have to take a bath, the same thing you told your 16 year-old date when you dumped them, the same answer you wish you could give your boss on explaining why you're late. The answer is "because". The question, actually, is one that no one should be asking of another person.

First off, lemme just say this - IVF sucks. It sucks great big, thorny, stinky donkey balls. It's about the least fun thing in the world ever, and that includes dealing with Angus' ex-wife, paying taxes, and getting a bikini wax. All at the same time. While menstruating. And having to watch old episodes of Knots Landing. If you know someone going through IVF, then buy them something. Make them dinner. Do not ask them how it's going or what the results are and for God's sake, don't do something as lame as tell them to "just relax". These women are hopped up on mouse hormones. They can kill you as soon as look at you.

Why do women go through IVF? Because they want to have a family. Why do women adopt? Because they want to have a family. Whose role is it to judge what choice a woman makes, either way? In my world, it's no one's.

Years ago I decided that life for me would be without children. There were many reasons I thought this, including one medical one, and so I made my peace knowing that if a child were to ever pop into my life it would be via adoption.

When I went through my first round of IVF in 2001, although my mind was changing about children I went through IVF for the wrong reasons - I was trying to save my sinking marriage to my child-keen husband. He absolutely positively refused to consider adoption, as he said that he could never love a non-biological child of his. I started IVF for not great reasons, but from the moment they put the embryos back in I wanted nothing more than for it to work.

Fast forward to now. Although we investigated it here in the UK, we didn't pursue adoption for two reasons -

1) Many orphanages (especially foreign ones) have fees they cannot explain other than to say they're along the lines of mandatory donations. Angus feels very firmly that this is simply excess money for a child, and he positively cannot stomach the idea of what he feels equates to "buying" a baby. He does not judge those who pursue this route, he just knows it is not for him.

2) We would never have passed the criteria to adopt. Divorces, us not being married, age differences, total estrangement from half of my family, children from a previous marriage and my history of mental illness were all strikes against us. We did look at the criteria form and I really honestly believe we would never have been selected, not ever. The possibility to "just adopt" wasn't really going to happen.

When you go through IVF, you hear that a lot - "just adopt", as in "Why don't you just adopt?" "Just" is an ugly, ugly word. Just adopt, just reduce, just accept, just relax, just a minute. There's no room for "just". "Just" infers "what the hell is wrong with you, this is so simple?" There's no "just" about adoption, for some families adoption is harder than trying fertility treatment. If you know someone who has adopted then you should salute them - they've been through a lot. I look at parents with adopted children and think of them as being so amazing and so strong.

I know a lot of women want to be pregnant, they want to experience the feeling of carrying the baby, birth, breastfeeding, everything. I honestly believe there's a biological instinct in some women that is maybe stronger than others with regards to actually experiencing pregnancy - for me personally, I wasn't actually looking forward to the "I'm pregnant" part of the Zero-to-Baby stage, I didn't expect to love it and pregnancy lived up to my expectations of not loving it. But even though it wasn't my cup of tea I can understand now why some women do love the pregnancy part - it is nice to know that there's someone with you all the time, and being so close to IVF for so long there is one basic fact that I have learned - a growing baby is a fucking miracle, regardless of if it came from a petri dish or a night of loving or an orphanage.

I was one of those who didn't have to have my own child to love it unconditionally, and I have always been 100% ok with adoption (screening procedure aside). Having said that, though, one of my favorite things to do while looking at my babies is to search their faces and see if any signs or vestiges of me show up in their profiles. I do understand that this is why most couples try fertility treatment - playing Whose Eyes Does Baby Have? is a really fun game. If I had adopted, I have no doubt I would have found some other game that would enable me to stare into my baby's eyes with the same degree of wonder and love.

I think parenting does that to a person.

Having a baby is hard no matter how you have them. It's scary when you start IVF. It must be scary to fill out the paperwork describing your life for a caseworker. It can apparently be scary having them the old-fashioned bedroom way. I haven't ever had the pleasure of trying for a baby the normal way but Angus tells me that the first time you have sex "without the net" it feels really strange and like you're attempting something of huge magnitude, even if it's just a post-curry bonk.

I don't think it's up to any of us to judge why another woman goes through fertility treatment versus adoption, why some women want to breastfeed and others don't, why infertility hurts and why some move on, or anything else along these fraught emotional lines. I think we should just accept and support even if our own horizons don't have space to understand what motivates the people we read or know or love.

Throughout my pregnancy, I was lucky enough to have some close, wonderful friends. They made my time go easier. One of them even painted me a lovely, amazing picture.

This picture, it's fantastic. Hidden in the swirls and loops are words that the artist put in place for me. One word in particular haunts me - "Worthy". It says "worthy". And after all these attempts and prayers and tears and hopes, I can't help but feel, perhaps self-righteously, that I am worthy of being these babies' mother, the way probably that every woman who tries and tries and tries in whatever method they venture to have children feel. There's something in the painting that helps me feel that this biological imperative that I lived up to had something in it that has made me a richer person in a sense that I can't put my finger on. For me, the fertility treatment was the right choice, not just because I have what I think are two beautiful children, but because there's something in me that changed for having done so, and it's changed in a good (yet profound) way. It's become a part of who I am.

I look back on the IVF days (there were 5 attempts in 6 years, which in my mind makes me a long-term veteran that can give the finger to people that want to give me shit) and feel not unlike some kind of war veteran who has comrades and war buddies that I fought alongside. The infertile community isn't always the easiest to get along with, either - there is a lot of resentment, a lot of pain, a lot of anger, all mixed in with a healthy shovel full of support. If you get pregnant a lot of your IVF war buddies leave you bleeding on the battlefield. Once you have a baby, for some it's as good as crossing enemy lines. I don't think it's because women are looking for backs to stab, but because having a baby is such a hugely painful topic for women stuck in the fertility war.

Every woman has a story for why she is on whatever path she's on.

It's not up to us to question why they've made the choice they have.

It's up to us to hold their hands along the way.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:55 PM | Comments (29) | Add Comment
Post contains 1655 words, total size 9 kb.

1 I'm honestly crying at my desk at work. Thank you for such an amazing and beautiful post. You're right that the IF world can be even more cruel than the world in general. If more women would take the time to "hold the hands" of their fellow sisters, it would such a nicer journey. Thanks again for crystalizing the sentiments of so many of us out there.

Posted by: irshlas at November 16, 2007 02:30 PM (F8zHg)

2 Thank you, Helen, for such an awesome post. As someone who has struggled with fertility and stopped short of doing IVF to adopt, I know there is no more irritating word in the non-infertility lexicon than "just." I now have a beautiful boy who looks nothing like me whom I love as if he were of my own body. All anyone else needs to know about it is that that was the right choice for my husband and I. Thank you for helping us in "the club" that no one wants to belong to educate the ignorant. It may be an uphill battle, but it is a worthy one that we cannot afford to abandon. Love you and love your blog! Give those babies a *kiss* for me. Camino

Posted by: Camino at November 16, 2007 02:44 PM (97jrp)

3 After going through low-level IF treatments (Clomid), making peace with not having bio kids (S was conceived on our last round of Clomid, which was as far as we were willing to take the treatments), the micropreemie experience and all the shit that goes with that, and dealing wiht lots of other parents and their great ideas for how to raise a kid, I have come to one conclusion: We're all doing things the way that is best for our families. Yes, that might well be different than what is best for your family, but my family is mine and yours is yours. (You can insert your own "so fuck off" here if you so choose.)

Posted by: Sarah at November 16, 2007 03:16 PM (I5n47)

4 Just time to tell you again how wonderful I think you are and how lucky those babies are to have you--just as lucky as you feel to have them. Wonderful writer you are, Helen. You have something worth saying every single day.

Posted by: Deb at November 16, 2007 03:32 PM (v2b6T)

5 Awesome post. And I recognized the artist without even seeing the link first. What a wonderful work of art; very profound and beautiful. Just like you - you are indeed worthy. And I'm a sap.

Posted by: Lisa at November 16, 2007 03:54 PM (EcHBm)

6 Well thought out response. Very well thought out, especially since you have earned the right to go with response 1,2 & 3 of F you. I'm not sure that I could handle the pressures of IVF honestly. I think you should be proud to wear the scars after so many hard earned battles, and agree that there is no one on earth qualified to question you or your reasons on this topic. I have to admit, though, that I too would wonder if my close friend (b/c I wouldn't ask a stranger) who was struggling with IVF if they had considered adoption. Not because I was trying to be an insensitive jerk, but more to say, perhaps there is another option if this doesn't work. But that's me, I'm always trying to see another option, and hoping there is another viable way. After reading your post though, I could see how someone may think that was a-hole-ish of me. However, I would still hold the hand of my dear friend, irregardless of what route they chose to follow.

Posted by: Angela at November 16, 2007 04:07 PM (DGWM7)

7 My story: infertility Baby #1 adopted Baby #2 adopted Baby #3 bio. sometimes the adoption community is not supportive of these suprise bio. kids believe it or not. Jealousy? I have no idea, women can be supportive but a bitchy bunch sometimes.

Posted by: Judi at November 16, 2007 04:13 PM (W87Xx)

8 I love what you said about "just." One of my favorite quotes from Finding Neverland (one of my all time favorites for a lovely afternoon on the couch) is, "What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just."

Posted by: amy t. at November 16, 2007 04:14 PM (3dOTd)

9 Exactly. Good post, babe.

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 16, 2007 04:26 PM (/vgMZ)

10 Well I didn't expect to see that up here so bold and bright this morning! (After last night's fuckery, it was a very lovely hug from across the pond. Thank you.) "Just" is a horrific word. I didn't understand the adoption thing before StatiaCoochieHead got knocked up via IVF. She tried to explain it and I kinda got it, but just figured it was a personal preference and was totally okay with it. I am single and I think that's something to do with it--I'm not so in love with anyone that I'd like to mech my being with his so we can create a co-being of us both who is at one time, the combination of a partner and me, and also a whole separate entity of his/her own. But far be it from me to tell anyone else that they should "just adopt" if they really want biological children. Far be it from anyone, dammit. I'm one of those women who has no desire to EVER be pregnant. Should I find myself desperate for children later on, I will be one of those who seeks to adopt. (I say "seeks" because I'm not sure I'd be approved given my family history of crazy.) The very notion of pregnancy happening to ME fills me with emotions that would probably offend most mothers. (However, Moms, it's not about the kids--I'd love the kids, I'm sure. It's the act of brewing up those little sprogs within my own body. It totally squicks me out.) I will also say that I find women who go through IVF to be some of the bravest specimens of humanity out there. To continually strive for results against the odds, through heartbreak and drug-and-hormone-induced insanity, through naysayers and "just"ers.... That's simply amazing.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at November 16, 2007 04:32 PM (+p4Zf)

11 And regarding the painting.... Remember when I was asking you which twin was down in your southie parts and which was up in your ribcage? It was for the spirals. (I don't know if they're even in the right place cos hi--never been pregnant but I figured inside the profile was pretty close enough.) You weren't sure at the time I was doing the kiddy spirals who was where and just told me your instinct--looks like you were right! As for the "worthy" hidden in there (which isn't really hidden to me--topish left, directly above the upside-down, far better hidden word "hope"), it was important to me that I put it in there. You seem to question yourself before anyone or anything else and it seems to come down to your own self worth much of the time. I understand that like whoa (unfortunately) and wanted to make sure it was in stone (or at least fixed acrylics) that you ARE worthy of your babies and of so much more!! (I will also say it was very difficult not to put a "yoink!" or something equally immature on the nipple area.) ((and that the zerbert was the last thing I did before the signature and it made me tear up too.)) xox

Posted by: Ms. Pants at November 16, 2007 04:40 PM (+p4Zf)

12 Women can be such assholes to each other sometimes.

Posted by: Carolyn at November 16, 2007 04:49 PM (J9O7j)

13 What a lovely post...and some great points made. The picture is amazing, especially with all the words. You deserve "worthy" more than anyone I know. Love your babies. Love your life. You've come so far....

Posted by: sue at November 16, 2007 05:14 PM (WbfZD)

14 What an amazing post! Thank you for articulating what I would never be able to do. In my case, our first choice certainly was a bio/genetic child the "old fashioned" way. It didn't work for us. Our first son came to us via adoption. Our second son (well, almost here) via embryo donation. In both cases, they aren't genetically related to us. It doesn't matter a damn bit. This was the way our family was meant to be created. We feel incredibly lucky!

Posted by: Kristine at November 16, 2007 05:29 PM (Q0+zS)

15 I will never understand why women are so ugly to each other. Never. You don't have to explain to ANYONE why you live your life the way you do. Ever. xoxo

Posted by: Margi at November 16, 2007 06:11 PM (k3tPv)

16 You tell 'em, Helen. Excellent explanation of something that was none of their business anyway.

Posted by: kenju at November 16, 2007 06:33 PM (TiGru)

17 This was a wonderful post, and I plan to direct future questioners of my own choices to it. That having been said, why are several commenters responding with "women are so mean/bitchy/horrible to each other?" Am I missing the part where you specified that this post was written by a woman? Even if I am, I hardly think it's only women who make insensitive or cruel assertions about other people's reproductive choices.

Posted by: uccellina at November 16, 2007 07:01 PM (Cx8y1)

18 Ugh, obviously I skipped right over a big paragraph near the bottom. Still, I stand by my opinion that men can be just as cruel in their reactions to various reproductive choices.

Posted by: uccellina at November 16, 2007 07:03 PM (LNHH9)

19 I read this post, cried a few tears, and am left with nothing more than the word "beautiful". That was a beautiful post. The path toward children is so personal, and for so many IF'ers, such an emotional train ride. People who haven't been there have such a difficult time understanding. That is why we get the "just relax, or just adopt" statements. If I have learned anything from this journey, I have learned that I will never question a person's choice when it comes to children and I hope that I can give the support that so many people offered to me. Beautiful.

Posted by: stacie at November 16, 2007 08:04 PM (i1e+e)

20 Great post. You couldn't be more eloquent. I hate the feeling that so many of us IFers have that we need to explain to the world why we make the choices we make. Screw that.

Posted by: Erica at November 16, 2007 08:06 PM (D6tE/)

21 Very well said. I think women should be more supportive of each other in general and in specific. I would have to guess that personal insecurities have much to do with it. Beautiful painting--I recognized the artist as well.

Posted by: sophie at November 17, 2007 12:00 AM (AY+fk)

22 I can't see the word worthy, but I think that has to do with something within myself that I am struggling with at the moment. I did, however, see the word LOVE and MOM right off the bat Helen. Those two words define you in my eyes. Your painting brought tears to my eyes, because I do agree that you are worthy of being a loving mother...and my opinion doesn't really count in cyberspace...but it's what I know from all that you share with us in this cyberspot. Thanks for being you Helen.

Posted by: Heidi at November 17, 2007 02:41 AM (6rn9g)

23 You know, I'm of the opinion that if the options are there, and they're good, people may take advantage of them as they please. And as for biological conception, I had my big freak-out with the decision, not the act, leading my husband to say we really didn't have to have kids if I didn't want to. (I've always wanted to have kids— but the whole pregnancy thing is a wee bit freaky, you probably agree.) Ah, well. Any time I feel physically bad I can look over your archives and see how incredibly hard it could be— so you're providing more than one type of inspiration!

Posted by: B. Durbin at November 17, 2007 02:49 AM (tie24)

24 I do not know whether it was my blog (blogorrhoe@blogspot.com) you referred to- but I linked yours, and I posted about IVF. And in a foreign language as well. I posted an English version today, to minimize the risk of being misunderstood. I never intended to be cruel at all. And it was all about changing judgemental attitude- so feel free to comment, if you wish. Lily

Posted by: Lily at November 17, 2007 09:53 AM (ETir1)

25 Heidi, I'm going to point it out to you because I think that you should take it in as well. In the top left hand corner, there's a swoopy thing. (Very technical term.) Go down just a little bit and you'll be able to make out the W pretty easily; it's right above the spiral. It's written sideways, so you might have to cock your head to your left a bit. The Y is just under the swoopy thing and it's a weirdo Y because I make my Ys oddly. If you look below the spiral, you might be able to make out the word "hope" written upside down. Drink that one in too, k? I send zerberts to all. (H, if you upload this to flickr, we can note all the words.)

Posted by: Ms. Pants at November 18, 2007 03:17 AM (bPJiv)

26 Helen, Wifey is always bragging to her buddies that I'm half chick, so I feel priveledged to do this, and hopefully 'Violent Helen' wont punch me again, so I grab your arm by the wrist, lift it up high and shout "YHAAY!!! YOU KICKED PREGNANCY'S ASS!!! congrats on your victory. and I mean that sincerely. jm

Posted by: jm at November 18, 2007 10:36 PM (sAm6X)

27 My answer to why we did IVF rather than adopt has always been "for the exact same reasons YOU had children instead of adopting" You'd be amazed how many people take a step back when you say that even though for me it's the most d*mn obvious thing in the world!

Posted by: flikka at November 18, 2007 11:05 PM (puvdD)

28 It's perplexing to me why we must feel as though we need to defend our choices when they are questioned. Even more perplexing is why people question our choices. I was once told that when someone asks you a favor, and you cannot do it, "no" is a complete answer. You need not offer a reason. I feel the same applies to our choices. "Because," is a complete answer. Well said.

Posted by: Mia at November 19, 2007 01:08 PM (VQeEi)

29 What I don't get is how you manage to write so well with TWO babies in the house, one of which has been screaming for so long (and hopefully hasn't resumed to previous levels again). Very, very well said.

Posted by: Lut C. at November 20, 2007 12:54 PM (J3pcy)

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