It's Thursday, which means the babies and I leave in an hour to head to the movies. It's become our thing, really, although after the stupidity that was Fred Claus I've learned to be a little more discerning in which films I choose. The good news is this week it's a film I actually want to see, and next Thursday is another film I want to see.

I like these times with the babies. Although last week they weren't exactly the most well-behaved (but since it's a showing exclusively for parents of babies and toddlers we weren't alone), in general they sleep through the film, sometimes on my lap, sometimes in their car seat, and for Nick he slept on my chest for a short while as I wept my way through August Rush, complete with me promising that if he was ever taken from my I would find him no matter what (how about them hormones, huh?)

Ironically, I feel sheer panic at the concept of going to the films with the babies. I can't explain it, but although I look forward to going so much, I also have to make myself go. I get nervous and shaky and only calm down once we're in the theatre, then I'm so calm I'm sure my blood pressure registers "dead".

Tonight is another first, too. Tonight I'm leaving the twins with Angus and heading up to London to meet with my former team members from work. I haven't been to London on my own since August, which both is and isn't a big deal - I used to go weekly, and now I don't go. I think it'll overwhelm me, especially since the damn grocery store can overwhelm me still.

The health visitor came round for the babies 10 week check-up on Tuesday. I can't believe the babies are 10 weeks old. Developmentally we're still behind - they're not really smiling and they're still tiny babies, but at least they're both at 8lb 13oz, so we're getting there. But they were pronounced healthy and happy.

Both Nick and Nora are being referred to an eye specialist though, for although babies go a bit cross-eyed and lack the muscle tone to manage their eyes, there is a family history on Angus' side of what they call over here a squint (Stateside, I think it's called a wandering eye.) Angus had it and had surgery when he was 3, which is why to this day he has no depth perception and can't catch a ball thrown at him to save his life. The condition is genetic, and can be passed down.

Nora's eyes look fine but Nick definitely has it - what's more problematic is that both of his eyes seem to focus and track things, but they do it differently (which is a bit disconcerting, as you never know which eye to look into when talking to him.) It may go away on its own but they'll watch him and decide if he needs surgery or not.

I also got an exam, including a very bizarre quiz I had to take to assess if I feel post-natal depression or not (one question: "I feel like self-harming myself". I checked the big no on that one, and actually smiled as I thought about all that I've left behind.) Apparently I'm borderline for PND, as I agreed that I do feel guilty when things go wrong (because I do) and I feel responsible for everything (because I do that, too). So they're going to keep an eye on me, although they're confident PND will go away.

I'm confident it will be kept at bay, too. In general since deciding to get my voice back and be more responsible for my own happiness, I've been in a much, much better place. More confident, more opinionated. People around me seem to like it more, and Angus has what feels like a renewed sense of respect for me, as at last I'm taking the reins on my life.

The health visitor thinks going out with my colleagues tonight is a good idea. I'm not going to get drunk and I'm not staying late, but I am going. I've vacillated so much on if I should go or not, but go I shall. I think it's good I get out of the little cocoon I've built myself in the house and get back to real life, even if my real life now contains two tiny little people who are currently fast asleep on the bean bag.

I can't wait till the movies today.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:20 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 776 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Courageous as ever :-) Congrats on you leaving the cocoon. It's hard, but staying in there is harder, in the long run. Have fun with the movie, Lily

Posted by: lily at December 13, 2007 10:17 AM (Y8m4l)

2 Jealous that you've already seen August Rush and curious as to what you'll think of the Golden Compass. Still think it sounds like a great idea on the theater's part.

Posted by: Hannah at December 13, 2007 01:03 PM (lUH62)

3 Good luck with your London adventure. I know it's hard, but it should be good to get out on your own. And I just have to say that I'm impressed with the way you are being looked after post-partum. In the states - at least in my experience - you have the baby and that's it. In general, they don't check in with mothers to see how they're doing, and I think many women fall through the cracks as a result. It's sad the way mothers get so little support. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the movie! You're doing a great job, Helen. Your babies are just gorgeous.

Posted by: Elizabeth Walter at December 13, 2007 01:47 PM (cjilp)

4 All sounds good, and that makes me smile. Glad you are going out, both to the movies and with your work mates. And not to sound trite, but my cousin had a wandering eye, as well as the surgery to correct it. She is in school for hair design, and recently confessed to me that sometimes she has trouble determining if a client's hair is even on both sides-especially with men-due to her lack of depth perception. She is a gem-I love her, bless her heart. You will be fine, I just know it. And checking a big fat "no" in some of those boxes can be a really great feeling.

Posted by: Teresa at December 13, 2007 02:02 PM (5ddRs)

5 I think you'll like both Golden Compass and Magorium. I thought they were great, anyway. I hated the way GC ended, but...such is life in a capitalist world! August Rush didn't leave me balling, but I did like that movie too. I just wish they'd taken it a little bit further, instead of ending where they did. My husband disagrees, of course - he thought where they ended it was perfect

Posted by: Tracy at December 13, 2007 02:21 PM (zv3bS)

6 Go out. Have fun. It's ok to be Helen for a night rather than Mommy. BTW you've inspired me to actually GO to the movies over the holidays!

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 13, 2007 05:57 PM (/vgMZ)

7 Please wear a back up to the moon cup, and have a blast!

Posted by: Donna at December 13, 2007 06:13 PM (R8oYq)

8 By ALL MEANS, you need some "you" time. A happy mommy is a better mommy. A pint and some talk with friends is JUST what the doctor ordered! Hoist one for me, please!

Posted by: Margi at December 13, 2007 06:23 PM (KF0g8)

9 P.S. I had to be reminded of this when I had my first baby, as well. It IS a huge life change that you now will never take a step in your life without thinking of the consequences to your children - your responsibilities are NOT tattooed on your forehead and people just see lovely, wonderful you. Try to smooth out those furrowed brows and be lovely self. You ARE a mommy, but you are a lot of other wonderful things, too.

Posted by: Margi at December 13, 2007 06:27 PM (KF0g8)

10 By now, your foray to London is over. I hope you had a good time and didn't miss the babies too much. Mr. kenju has a wandering eye; he had surgery at age 3 (as did our son) and it didn't help at all. Whenever they are tired, the eye still wanders. It freaks some people out...LOL

Posted by: kenju at December 14, 2007 12:29 AM (TiGru)

11 Some wandering eyes are managed with funny glasses. But even if there is surgery, eye surgery has come so incredibly far since Angus was a child that I'd bet the outcome would be better if they have to do it. Enjoy the movies. It's a great idea that theater had.

Posted by: B. Durbin at December 14, 2007 01:45 AM (tie24)

12 I think that you usually make the right decisions and you need to trust yourself on that. I think you have good instincts about what to do and what not to do. We should all be that smart. Motherhood seems to have given you an extra edge. Good for you!

Posted by: Irene at December 14, 2007 04:07 AM (RL+iu)

13 I've got a lazy/wandering eye, but never had it corrected, as I was taught to control it. Simply putting a finger in front of my face and slowly tracking it helped a lot. Mr. Magorium was very cute and Golden Compass was okay (I work at a movie theatre and see way too many movies). Enchanted is great though.

Posted by: Robert at December 14, 2007 08:05 AM (vsMzD)

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