Some mornings you wake up and things just go wrong from the moment you sit up in bed. Maybe itÂ’s something obvious, like you leave the house wearing two different shoes. Maybe you accidentally use your lipliner as your eyeliner (something I confess I did, which explains why someone asked me if I had pink eye). But most of the time, itÂ’s something a little less noticeable, itÂ’s a bad day just because itÂ’s your time to have a bad day.

Here in my world, itÂ’s a bad day today.

There’s no clear cut reason why it’s a bad day, although it doesn’t help that I spilled coffee on my dress and it won’t wash off, leaving me too look like I drizzled some kind of oil down the front of my dress. It doesn’t help that I grabbed the wrong tank top to wear under the dress, and I grabbed one that keeps rolling itself up over my stomach like a scrunchy 1980’s tube sock. It also doesn’t help that I had Kafka dreams all night and woke up feeling absolutely shattered, like I hadn’t slept a wink even though I got a good 7.5 hours worth. It further doesn’t help that I’m bloody furious with someone, which I’ll go into later, but it’s eating up (too much) energy, energy that I don’t really have to spare. Above all, it doesn’t help that I feel my body is letting me down – I’ve been one of those “model Clydesdale horse” pregnant chicks, one in which I’ve been perfectly healthy and looking at whipping out two full-term healthy babies, only to suddenly find that I’m on a very short leash as my body, it obstinately refuses to cooperate.

Mostly, itÂ’s a bad day because the logistics of the world are whipping me.

My visa application went in on Saturday. I still donÂ’t have a diploma but I sent in my academic transcript (signed, sealed, notarized). I donÂ’t have a letter from my university (although IÂ’m still pursuing it) confirming I was taught in English, but in a flash of either inspiration or desperation, I found a report card from my high school years, reflecting courses I was taught in English (and the failing grade I got in honors AP physics. Hey - no oneÂ’s perfect.) All I can do is hope.

I had to head to London to attend a few meetings, and there are no words to describe how tired I am, how stupidly fragile I feel. I feel like IÂ’m on the verge of tears, that any minute now IÂ’m going to topple over the other side. ThereÂ’s nothing specific thatÂ’s set me off, I just feel like an incredible wimp today. IÂ’m a Wimpy Burger. You can pay me Wednesday for a hamburger today.

I was supposed to go to the U.S. Embassy today because my social security card is registered under my maiden name and IÂ’m concerned that I need it in my current name to register the babies as American citizens. Turns out the Embassy closes well before I can get there today, and anyway they cannot change my social security info without my passport which the Home Office has (not to mention I canÂ’t get into the Embassy anyway-I have my phone, my laptop and my Blackberry with me, none of which are allowed in the Embassy. Nice.) But IÂ’m still lacking info from my marriage in Sweden, so I canÂ’t change the name and number anyway.

Between my visa, my kidneys, my pure and total exhaustion and now the social security issues, I had a minor meltdown.

It necessitated in me calling Angus and him talking me back from the ledge.

And it’s all ridiculous – social security may have nothing to do with anything right now, it’s just one of those things I realized in my visa work that I never bothered with, and I’m in my “get the little quacking things all in a row” right now. The visa doesn’t expire for months, enough time to bribe/beg/steal a letter from UTA, as well as get a replacement diploma. It’s not like I’m getting chucked out of the country tomorrow, it’s just easier to file for my visa without dependants.

I’m just clean out of resources. Things that never really bother me, which I usually shrug about and say “Eh…no big deal.”, well, they are bothering me. I can’t handle a lot today. I feel under-equipped. My mind is swamped – babies! Melissa and Jeff! Angus! Work! Visa! Family! Kidneys! Money! House extension! Garden! Logistics! Making sure everyone’s happy! Is everyone happy? Why aren’t they happy? All of these things and more, and not necessarily in the order I listed. I’m blowing a gasket over little things, which is ridiculous – I tend to be a lot lower key. I need to dial it down. I need to…but I can’t. It’s like everything’s come to a head, and it’s doing it today.

Maybe I just need a night of Kafka-free sleep.

Maybe I just need to stop bloody worrying and let things be.

That must be it.

Que sera sera, baby.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:24 PM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 862 words, total size 5 kb.

1 I hope your day gets better....if all else fails...chocolate milk can elevate a mood for at leaast 15 minutes....:*) It's worth a try. 15 minutes is better than no minutes. Feel better...if you need to vent more...we're here!

Posted by: wn at August 07, 2007 12:54 PM (MlWdo)

2 Oh Helen! Just what you didn't need! I really hope it all gets a bit easier soon, just try to keep smiling at the world and hopefully it will smile back at you! You know we're here if you need us!

Posted by: Suzie Stacey at August 07, 2007 01:11 PM (YqqaU)

3 You need a day of pampering, Helen. Try to have one as soon as possible. Regarding the soc. security issue, it will sort out soon enough, so don't worry about it today.

Posted by: kenju at August 07, 2007 01:14 PM (DBvE5)

4 Did you try watching Elf? Might help... If not, I heartily recommend the following video, taken from one of my very favorite musics, Avenue Q. No, it's not work safe but very funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWEjvCRPrCo Hope you feel better - and remember, there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

Posted by: Hannah at August 07, 2007 01:26 PM (5w+E2)

5 I can't believe that there isn't some kind of service that you can hire to just deal with the paperwork. If it helps the SS card isn't too difficult to navigate (I did it a few years back) and can all be done via mail if you can get the correct documents in order. http://tinyurl.com/ofabo It also went surprisingly quickly - Good Luck!

Posted by: cursingmama at August 07, 2007 01:47 PM (PoQfr)

6 When I got sick and my body felt like it was abandoning me and my child during my pregnancy, I took heart in knowing that part of the reason I felt soooo crappy was because every resource my body had was going toward making my baby stronger and healthier. Maybe keeping that in mind with the Lemonheads will make it a bit easier to bear your burdon. :-)

Posted by: Ice Queen at August 07, 2007 03:15 PM (AuzdP)

7 Go To A Spa I don't care that you're saving money, blah blah, get thee hence to a spa, woman! Get a pedicure, manicure, massage, the works. Just pick up the phone and make the damn appointment. You have every right to feel overwhelmed right now; you got a lot on your plate. Yes, it will all work out but that kind of logic doesn't help your brain when it feels like there's a hamster running in circles saying the same stupid shit over and over again in your head. Spa. Pronto. Oh and just a couple of weeks ago I put the white stuff on my lashes that is supposed to "condition" them (whatever; I really use it because the mascara lasts longer if I apply this white undercoat stuff) and forgot to put the black mascara over it. I thought I was totally hot stuff all day long, batting my eyes hither and yon, (HAWT) until I got home and saw in the mirror that my lashes had been *white* all damn day. Looked like an albino. Not that there's anything wrong with albinos; just saying, I'm not one so...you know. Suffice to say, it wasn't a good look for me. Feel better soon!

Posted by: The other Amber at August 07, 2007 03:37 PM (zQE5D)

8 I honestly think it is the combination of pregnancy-which tends to send a woman into "must get this done NOW mode", and on top of that a nasty infection. Being sick always makes me feel like the whole world is falling apart and when I get better I will have to dig myself out of the rubble and set everything back in order, which is overwhelming to think of when you don't feel well. I will tell you to try not to worry, but I know how difficult that can be. Its worth a shot though, right?

Posted by: Teresa at August 07, 2007 03:47 PM (Pt0VH)

9 Hormones a go-go. I agree with Kenju & Other Amber...Sounds like a facial, pedicure or a pregnant mommy massage might be a good thing to indulge in for an hour or so. If that doesn't work I have a few people that need a good punching in the throat....anything to get your mind off the stress for a few moments . sending good vibes your way....

Posted by: Heidi at August 07, 2007 04:04 PM (0IL4J)

10 I think if you can fit it in, a spa day is not a bad thought. (Someone suggested it.) I know ir probably feels self indulgent, but being the human incubator takes a toll on the body, whether we want to admit it or not. My body was like yours, always able to handle anything anytime any day, but around where you are now (and I only had one at a time) I used to say to my husband, "This baby is a LEECH! It is sucking my body dry and will leave me as nothing but a HUSK of myself!" And to top it off, your body will secrete some hormone so that your ligaments get all wonky. Its so that whole birthing thing works, stretching where no woman has been stretched before. Ugh. So I'd feel like rubber man... a leeched out rubber man. If you can go swimming and you're allowed, that is a good thing. And even an hour of spa day would be something to consider. Zen- out.

Posted by: Bou at August 07, 2007 05:22 PM (2zVEj)

11 Two words: Prenatal Massage. Seriously. Grab a nice bath and put your feet up and ignore your problems for the rest of the day. There's nothing more you can do right now, so just take a minute to relax, because goodness knows relaxing moments are about to drop exponentially for both of you (don't hit me, I'm not talking about sleep!). Tomorrow is a good enough time to start tackling issues.

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 07, 2007 05:26 PM (/vgMZ)

12 It's hard not to worry. I'm envious of people that don't.

Posted by: statia at August 07, 2007 06:04 PM (lHsKN)

13 You want me to forge you a letter from UTA? I can find a way to steal some letterhead, and I can be Regina Phalange, Registrar and bada bing, there you go. Hope you get some good sleep and maybe some mac and cheese and good TV. Hugs!

Posted by: donna at August 07, 2007 07:02 PM (Kco5r)

14 Kafka dreams So you're feeling like a can of Raid is out to get you? Eesh. I'm glad that I don't remember my dreams. Go cuddle up with Angus and drink a cup of whatever warm drink you like. Feel better and happier.

Posted by: physics geek at August 07, 2007 08:41 PM (MT22W)

15 Would you believe. . . ?? Nesting. I drove two (count 'em) TWO husbands nuts with my nesting instinct - so much so that "The baby canNOT be brought home if the garage floor isn't spic n- span" and/or "I will not enter the hospital a MISS anybody, so a shotgun wedding it is, buster!" This too, shall pass. Be good to yourself, be gentle with yourself and allow Angus to baby you a little bit. And remember: at the end of all this massive bullshite, you will be receiving two very wonderful, very dear door prizes for all your trouble! Yeah, I know. Even I get tired of my Pollyanna routine. Hang in there. You are loved.

Posted by: Margi at August 07, 2007 08:51 PM (DwLKz)

16 I fifth(?) the massage recommendation. From Angus if nothing else ;-) If there's anything a total stranger can be do from this side of the pond to help you out, let me know.

Posted by: Tracy at August 07, 2007 09:23 PM (BtSE6)

17 I confess I am now researching pregnant spa places (not spas full of pregnant people, just spas that will take pregnant people). Because I agree. I need a massage.

Posted by: Helen at August 08, 2007 09:37 AM (R7xxp)

18 From what I've observed over the years, spas/massueses (sp?)/nail techs, etc., LOVE working with pregnant women; I don't think you'll have to find a "special" kind to accommodate you, Helen. I mean, they make everyone feel special and all but when it's a pregnant woman, it's like the already-in-place subservience and care goes up several notches. I hope you go! Enjoy!

Posted by: The other Amber at August 08, 2007 03:56 PM (zQE5D)

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