Some mornings you wake up and the sheets tangle around your leg like a vine. You struggle, not just in putting your Ready to Meet the World Face on, but in the little things like breathing and moving and trying. The day comes up and takes in your personal space. Real life makes things harder than they need to be.
You make it out of the bedroom and into what lies beyond and you gather your courage. Your day is like your coffee-you take it a sip at a time, you get it into the bloodstream. You sigh and own up to all that you need to do today, all that people expect of you.
You maybe walk the dog. You struggle with your partner, whom you've been arguing with a lot and whose arguments are really, really weighing you down. You're tired of the stress directed at you-everything you do gets you in trouble, and when you do nothing, you get in trouble, too. You sit by the computer and wonder what it holds. Maybe you open your work emails and they make you cry. Maybe you open your personal emails and they make you laugh. Perhaps it's the other way around. You look at your work calendar and start purging all of the meeting invites with a simple explanation-You're no longer working on this project. You feel embarrassed. You feel sad. You feel liberated. You feel lost.
You feel you've let yourself down, and maybe you have, but your life is too short to play a constant game of emotional table tennis. You feel this way about all parts of your life, actually. You should take it one step at a time, though, one step at a time.
The sun is hiding and the coffee has injected the day into you. There is nothing stopping you from getting through the day except yourself, and there is too much riding on you to let yourself down. You wonder about love, you wonder about work, you wonder if you need to do the laundry today or tomorrow, you wonder when you'll go to the gym, you wonder what you're going to be when you grow up.
You wish things were easier but you accept that things can't always be that way. You try to stay positive because you promised yourself that you would be. You try to not feel like you're always in trouble, even if you are. You tell yourself that tomorrow will be better, it has to be better, it can't be anything but better.
And it maybe will be.
And if it isn't, maybe the day after that will be.
And someday, if you keep hoping that the next day will be better, eventually you'll be right, because you can't be wrong all the time, because with every down there is an up, because you have learnt that over time and you have found it to be true.
Have a better day, You.
-H.
1
I predict that You will.
Posted by: ~Easy at February 12, 2007 12:14 PM (eVLXY)
2
All that You seek is already within You. And You, with the help of your therapist, are finding it more and more.
Posted by: amelia at February 12, 2007 01:26 PM (m+C+k)
3
It really is true. Tomorrow will eventually bring a better day. Just need to brace yourself today and maybe tomorrow and have lots and lots of hope.
Posted by: Minawolf at February 12, 2007 01:27 PM (svbR5)
4
Here's to better days. Hope the sadness is soon chased away.
Posted by: wn at February 12, 2007 02:06 PM (EzTk/)
5
Cliché for a reason, this is one of my favorites:
You can't appreciate the highs of the peaks without experiencing the lows of the valleys.
Another peak is coming soon...
Posted by: pam at February 12, 2007 03:44 PM (l6NIn)
6
Not to make light of your situation, but I mentally just spread my arms and (again, mentally) sang at the top of my lungs...
TOOOOOOOOOOOMORROW! TOMORROW! I LOVE YA! ToMORROW! You're only a daaaaaaaay aaaaaway!
Posted by: amy t. at February 12, 2007 03:51 PM (3dOTd)
Posted by: lynD at February 12, 2007 04:52 PM (2F9Ak)
8
I have to confess-Sometimes when I read you, I like to imagine that each one has a soundtrack. Today, I kept hearing "Not in Nottingham" from Robin Hood.
"I'm inclined to believe, if were weren't so down.....we'd up and leave. We'd up and fly if we had wings for flying...
Can't you see the tears we're crying? Can't there be some happiness for me? Not in Nottingham.."
It's not exactly a motivational message, lol..but I'm not real great at that. I do think you're gonna have a real good day sometime soon and all these crappy ones will be nothing but a hazy memory.
Posted by: Lindsay at February 12, 2007 05:20 PM (mHNC3)
9
aching for you, but I applaud your attitude, life is for living now and these days are precious so take this time you need! YOU deserve it!
Posted by: Sarah at February 12, 2007 09:55 PM (Dx/3D)
10
And I thought I was having a shitty day. Judging from your photo, it appears I have some serious competition.
But I like reading what you have posted. And you're absolutely right - sometimes we just have to wait till tomorrow for a better day. Sometimes we even have to wait several tomorrows for a better day. So I think I'll just reread your post a few extra times until I know I've got it.
In the meantime give yourself a big hug (from all of us) and for cripe's sakes, you aren't letting yourself down, you're backing off and looking for the right way up.
Posted by: diamond dave at February 12, 2007 10:07 PM (Lo10Q)
11
At least the struggle leads to great writing. Any consolation?
Posted by: gigi at February 12, 2007 11:04 PM (ERVWo)
12
They say the darkest hour is just before dawn. And I know that sometimes it feels like the sun will never rise.
I have really felt for you lately, because things have been so shitty for me these last months. There are times when I think "I
am getting better", and then the days that follow only get worse. It is a battle just to lift myself out of bed, and putting on a mask that says to the world I can do it is so tiring. Add to that my family needing me, and their growing impatience-not so much on purpose but just out of sheer frustration-of me not getting completely better, and it makes me feel like even more of a failure, and so the cycle just becomes more vicious. I know that if I can believe in myself, then things would have to get better, but like a little girl lost I don't know where to begin. Therapy helps loads, but there is so much to repair, and so much to heal.
We may be an ocean apart and our experiences a world away, but when you write I can feel you right on my heart. Perhaps because it is so close, that even though what the day expects of You is completely different than what is expected of Me, that underlying struggle is still there. I can empahtize with what You feel inside, and sympathize with what You have to face in the day. Crying-I would not think people could make so many tears. And anger? Hello, inner bitch-could you take it down a notch or two, please?
I wish I could make it all better for You, but I can't. I won't give up if You don't. Pinky swear?
Posted by: Teresa at February 13, 2007 12:07 AM (pSy41)
13
You know, when I have a day like this, and feel helpless to get out of it, I just concentrate on "riding the wave." That's it, just hanging on...knowing that eventually the waters will calm, and I'll be okay again. What you did right today was you survived, and that's huge. Be easier on yourself and ride the wave. Things WILL get better.
Posted by: Linda at February 13, 2007 01:34 AM (8jNy4)
14
i'd reach across the ocean to hug you if i could. thank you for putting these feelings into words and sharing with the rest of us.
Posted by: copasetic fish at February 13, 2007 03:10 AM (csaL/)
15
hang tough helen.The sun does indeed rise again, although living in the northwest will sometimes make you doubt THAT.
The other day there was one of those rare bright clear days and on the way to work I spied both Mt.St.Helen and Mt.Baker jutting up proudly into the blue sky...made me think of you.
Posted by: j.m at February 13, 2007 04:16 PM (0KGz0)
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