IVF is hard.

Spiritually, logistically, emotionally, physically, financially.

They never tell you that when you get through a cycle successfully, you'll be on your own. You spend so much energy hoping and wishing and begging various deities to make it work that when it does you don't know up from down, left from right. You know so much more about the human condition that every worry is that much more profound, that much more serious. You know about implantation rates, how long until a heartbeat should appear on-screen, and hoping and praying that the bleeding you have is indeed a much-Googled subchorionic hematoma and not a miscarriage. You envy women that have lovebites and hangovers from their success at pregnancy, as what you have are bruised stomachs and thighs and more people peeping into your crotch than a three ring circus.

And throughout it all - the medications, the clinic visits, the ultrasounds, the statistics - you constantly feel as though you are 90 seconds from disaster.

90 seconds.

It could all be over just like that.

You spend your entire pregnancy on pins and needles being that much more aware of everything that's going on, not because your pregnancy is more special or dear than any other woman's, but because the stakes are higher, if your pregnancy ends it will be that much harder to try again. A loss is a loss, be it a natural pregnancy or one at the end of a catheter, and the pain is just as terrific in either case. It's just harder to try again if you can't go the conventional route, something you are constantly cognizant of.

Pregnancy itself may turn out to be spectacularly hard. I never expected the hospitalizations, the kidneys going on strike, the pre-eclampsia, the premature births, Nick's short stay in Special Care. You don't see these things coming and you're aware, so very aware, that the 90 seconds still exist even when you can count the wrinkles on their foreheads.

When you do get a baby or two in a little to-go container from the hospital, you feel that much more anxious. You have one (or two). How in the world can you make sure they know how crazy you are about them, how so goddamn grateful you are for them that it takes your heart and squeezes it into little bits before mashing them together and throwing it back into your chest? How do ensure that they grow up feeling secure and loved every minute of every day, so that they don't turn out to be like you? How can you possibly ever pay back the debt you owe to the universe for letting your 90 seconds turn out ok?

I've been diagnosed with post-natal depression, although mine comes in grape-and-anxiety flavor. I'm not depressed, as I've been down that road before and I know what it feels like, and this current state doesn't feel like that. I'm not going to be a statistic on TV and I pose no danger to myself or my little ones. What I am, instead, is deeply anxious and worry more than my usually neurotic self worries. I can't stop thinking, which for someone who already over-analyzes it means I feel like I may soon blow a fuse. The anxiety has been affecting my ability to sleep and that's where I have to draw the line. This week and month we hit a lot of milestones and anniversaries, all of which are far too much for me to handle right now, so this blog may have a distinct baby/IVF flavor about it for a short while, sorry. I feel ferociously raw.

Blogland has had a number of shocking and terrible losses the past week. I do still read IVF blogs when I can, but I don't comment as about the last thing most women need is a link back to a blog where a woman has hit the equivalent of the baby lotto. But it feels as though the IVF gods have woken up from their deep slumber and realized how many successes there have been recently. Oh shit, they must've thought. We need to take some of these back. Early miscarriages, stillbirths, pre-term labor, losses of singletons and multiples, it's been horrible on a scale I haven't seen before. I'm not going to link to some of these women as again, the last thing they need is a link from a site with IVF twins, but one woman's loss in particular has made me grieve something fierce for her. It's not about me, it's about her, I just can't recall the last time something kept me awake at night, thinking about how she is, how she will handle this. I hurt for her.

90 seconds.

We all have 90 seconds.

I took 90 seconds yesterday to watch my infants sleeping while they held each others' hands.

Maybe if you have a spare 90 seconds today if you could go hug your kids, or your cat, or your friend, and think about the women who are so brave and strong and have lost so grievously, and maybe the gods will be appeased for just a little while.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:23 AM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
Post contains 872 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Beautiful. Having lost 2, one of them my youngest twin, I know how arms empty of baby feel. It's not nice.

Posted by: Donna in Mid MIchigan at February 04, 2008 10:23 AM (vnuN0)

2 I couldn't have written this better myself - thank you for still 'getting it'..... x

Posted by: M at February 04, 2008 10:41 AM (FGiWN)

3 Hmmm... my comment got eaten.... Just wanted to commend you on such a beautifully written, understanding post. Thank you x

Posted by: M at February 04, 2008 10:44 AM (FGiWN)

4 You are amazing. I've been a silent admirer of you throughout your pregnancy and your words continue to touch and inspire me. Thank you for sharing and motivating me to be a better person.

Posted by: becka at February 04, 2008 10:50 AM (cXufw)

5 I'm glad you're getting help with the post-natal depression. Everything about kids is so overwhelming, and there's really no way to prepare for it. The insane part is that it's over in the blink of an eye. I hug the girlies, and/or snuggle with them every chance I get.

Posted by: ~Easy at February 04, 2008 12:05 PM (XD24A)

6 Beautifully written. One huge hug for my kids and a special prayer for the women and their men who have suffered losses this week, coming up. And a hug for you too, because you deserve it.

Posted by: Lisa at February 04, 2008 01:48 PM (EcHBm)

7 That was beautiful Helen. My heart goes out to those women.

Posted by: Amanda at February 04, 2008 01:54 PM (ay+rD)

8 Moving ... having lost a baby girl at 24 weeks 7 years ago I went, and still go through stages, of other people's success at having a healthy family either - giving me hope and making me genuinely happy for their joy, or making me sick with horrible gut wrenching envy and sadness. It's good to stop and count your blessings, mine is my gorgeous adorable cat, and think of others and what is good in your life. Thanks for reminding me )

Posted by: Mas at February 04, 2008 02:12 PM (UGBIN)

9 Hey Helen. I had PPD depression-flavored after my son and I had PPD anxiety-flavored after my daughter. They really are quite different, I agree. I'm glad you saw someone to get some help.

Posted by: Jen(aside) at February 04, 2008 03:36 PM (Mb8v6)

10 I'm sorry for everyone who goes goes through such rough times. Good for you for being so sensitive to it.

Posted by: The other Amber at February 04, 2008 04:27 PM (zQE5D)

11 you've perfectly captured the reson that i haven't even been able to post in a while. the sadness in blogland is devastating right now. i long to support them, but hate to leave my info in a comment that would only bring them back to my now-pregnant lady blog.

Posted by: megan at February 04, 2008 08:15 PM (1O5Qi)

12 Any loss is devastating. I wish no one had to experience it.

Posted by: the mother hen at February 04, 2008 09:53 PM (6ooUu)

13 Beautiful post. And the losses are just devastating. My heart goes out to the families experiencing them.

Posted by: ewe_are_here at February 04, 2008 10:52 PM (+Tzor)

14 That is a pain and a loss so great I can not even begin to understand. It breaks my heart.

Posted by: Teresa at February 04, 2008 11:48 PM (+7739)

15 Thank you for this. I think it really expresses what so many of us have been feeling and trying to say as we witness these tragedies.

Posted by: Waiting Amy at February 05, 2008 12:17 AM (ecQ9f)

16 I found you by way of Shape of a Mother. I was SO moved by this post. Having struggled with post-natal depression myself - I understand this more than you'll ever know. I still struggle with worrying. Not just "did I remember to pay the bills" worries, but crippling worry that prevents me from functioning. I have come a long way - but there are still days when I feel it creeping back in. I honestly think I was predisposed to my depression through IVF. I went from extreme anxiety with IVF, into anxiety with my pregnancy and my son's prematurity and I had no idea how to balance my emotions anymore. Even four years later, an overwhelming fear sometimes comes over me that somehow, even now, my dream will be taken away from me. THANK YOU for this post.

Posted by: Tammy at February 05, 2008 12:23 AM (Mzciu)

17 You remain amazing, Helen.

Posted by: kenju at February 05, 2008 12:36 AM (yvCMb)

18 Thank you for this- this is so similar to how I have been feeling these last few weeks. I have six month old twins (and an older child) and find myself still traumatized by my relatively uneventful pregnancy. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and still can't quite believe I got this lucky. And there has been so much tradegy in blogland lately- I feel haunted by it. Who am I to be so lucky and have such beautiful kids when others are going through such total devastation?

Posted by: Clover at February 05, 2008 01:17 AM (k4pMn)

19 So well said. I, like you, don't always comment on blogs. But it does feel like nothing bad sad things have been happening lately in Blogland, and it just breaks my heart. I don't think I ever realized how attached I've come to women I've never met, and wouldn't know if I passed on the street. But in this computer, you are all my friends. And I grieve so much, right next to them all.

Posted by: Erica at February 05, 2008 01:24 AM (D6tE/)

20 You've captured it exactly and beautifully. These women have my 90 seconds, and then some.

Posted by: Suz at February 05, 2008 02:19 AM (VN0e5)

21 I am at the end of a deep depression now and I understand a lot about anxiety, having felt a lot of it also lately. It is especially hard when you have the responsibility for two little human beings. Then there is much to be anxious about. I am sure your medication will start working soon and things will get easier. Being a woman and a mother is no sinecure, it is always just a little bit tougher than we assume it is going to be. Nobody prepares us properly for the job and we often have very unrealistic expectations. I think you are doing great, considering the circumstances, so you hang in there and keep believing in yourself.

Posted by: Irene at February 05, 2008 04:16 AM (RL+iu)

22 Helen, I needed this tonight. I have spent the last few days going back and forth between the very blogs you speak of, and grieving with them. And yet somehow, tonight, I still managed to get frustrated with my almost 2 year old twins because I have to be at a paycheck job all day and feel like I miss so much (like that is their fault). Thank you for reminding me to take 90 seconds.

Posted by: kim at February 05, 2008 04:58 AM (m+kW/)

23 Thank you for writing this. You've said what I have wanted to put into words myself. xE

Posted by: Elaine at February 05, 2008 07:48 AM (/jsNo)

24 "They never tell you that when you get through a cycle successfully, you'll be on your own." They also don't tell you that for those of us who never have a succesful cycle that tehre are some days when you will feel like you dodged a bullet... After watching my sister in law have a still born full term baby, my bestfriend attend her 12 week scan to find her IVF miracle had died at 8 weeks and my cousin miscarry 5 pregnancies in a row at the 4 month mark soem days I am comforted that at least I was never given hope only to have it taken away so cruelly. I grieve too for these women Helen, and selfishly feel relief that although I'll never have a child I'll also never feel their pain.

Posted by: anonymous at February 05, 2008 11:22 AM (dh/+g)

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