I've spent my life feeling like someone who was on the move. An itch would get under my skin and inflame the hairs up and down my arms, tingling through the back of my neck. Little imperfections in my environment would become huge gaping holes propelling me to go, to move, to change for the sake of change. I always felt older than I should have, I always felt unanchored, untethered to a life that never meant to hold me anyway.

I always - always - saw an ending for me that was somewhere far away and suffering no burden of affection or love. It's cheesy but true - my ending in my mind was always driving off into the sunset in a Land Rover on a dark sub-continent. The story ends there.

But my story has changed now. There is no desert wind to the conclusion of my life. There is no dog on the seat next to me, droplets falling onto the split leather seat from his panting. There is no rearview mirror showing where I've left and no sunglasses refracting where I am heading.

Love to me was always something you left before it left you.

Life has changed that for me.

I don't know what the end has in store for me now. Since Angus is 12 years older than I and women typically outlive men, I suppose I will be around after he's gone. And now that I have two children, I want and hope to be around for them. Maybe I'll sit my days out in an elderly home, fading into the wallpaper like cabbage roses and velveteen. Maybe my children will find me frustrating, my grandchildren embarrassed by my nostalgia. Perhaps my memories will be worth nothing but the sieve-like memory that holds them.

I choose to believe I will go out in a blaze someday instead. I'm going to nurture that. The moral narcissism that I call guilt propels me to never have people take care of me unless I can take care of them, too.

I'm not being morbid or pondering death, really. Honestly I simply sit back and look at what life has in store for me. My world has changed so substantially that I can no longer plot and predict what the ending will be like. The Land Rover is gone, unless I lose the 3 people I love most in life. Then perhaps it won't be Land Rovers so much as just stopping and fading away, my fragments of my heart moving in the wind of the bedroom dust ruffle as I simply give up.

Life is an open question now, one that I stare at a great deal as surprised as I am that I get to have a life I never thought I would, never thought I could. Every single day is a surprise because nothing is the way I once suspected it would be. When you've spent your life preparing for how to heal yourself, you no longer know what's coming when you remove the option of healing by being alone.

My site traffic has gone down a bit, perhaps because I spend a lot of time talking about the babies, the building, or things of little consequence. I can understand that, and it doesn't really bother me although I do worry that my own thoughts are repetitive. While it may look like my obsessive introspection has disappeared, the truth is it's only hidden behind the day-to-day. I don't know if that's why people came here, to watch the tiny torturings of a woman bent on exposing every part of her blackened heart, and if the public self-flaggelation subsides then another train wreck is around the corner on another blog by another person.

I suppose I can just be who I am. It's not about trying to entertain, it's never been about that. Right now it's about determining how to let go of how I always saw the end, and allowing life to take me where I'm meant to be. Tomorrow it will be something different.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:56 AM | Comments (31) | Add Comment
Post contains 686 words, total size 4 kb.

1 I'll be here...waiting to hear about the babies, your house, you...whatever you wish to write about. I read and hear too much negative...it is nice to come here and read about someone with a genuinely kind heart that really cares.

Posted by: kristen at April 24, 2008 10:50 AM (d/RyS)

2 If its mooncups mishaps, baby moments or builders angst, Helen its all you. Thats why I come.

Posted by: Mia at April 24, 2008 10:55 AM (2af3B)

3 I'm just here for the writing. Whatever you write about is OK by me. (Unless it becomes all mooncups all the time. Then I'm outta here)

Posted by: ~Easy at April 24, 2008 11:03 AM (XD24A)

4 Something about you and your writing... enchants. Maybe it's because I like taking 5 mins from my life to stop and see how yours is going. Maybe it's perspective, maybe it's a break - but I enjoy reading and keep my fingers for you crossed anyway. And I found the mooncup discussion interesting and useful! :-P

Posted by: Hannah at April 24, 2008 11:15 AM (hjBAP)

5 As hubby is 17 years older than me, I'll probably end up alone too later in life. Perhaps we can end up in the same old folks home, smelling of wee and dribbling about the good old days. I'll look some up...how does the Cotswolds grab ya?

Posted by: B at April 24, 2008 11:17 AM (NfQ20)

6 Helen, my husband is 12 years older than I am, and he has a certain health condition that will likely shorten his life span. Some days that worries me to tears. And I'm afraid I'll end up the woman with a million cats. But for now, I hold onto the man I love and hope to have his child someday.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at April 24, 2008 01:05 PM (+MvHD)

7 The best you can do is just wait to see where life takes you now, and enjoy the ride. I remember after V was born I read an article and the woman stated that after having children, it was the first time she really thought about her own mortality. She realized that for her children to grow up, she would have to grow old. Sounds obvious, but as you know your whole perspective changes once you become a mother. As far as being old women, you know my take on that. I will save some pink dye and a wheelchair for you-just make sure you bring the booze.

Posted by: Teresa at April 24, 2008 01:08 PM (1+XDx)

8 Helen, I come here bcause of the way you write, and the subject matter doesn't dictate whether I stay to read or click off to the next blog on my list. You (we all) should write about various aspects of life, otherwise you'd become boring.

Posted by: kenju at April 24, 2008 01:09 PM (yvCMb)

9 Helen, I am a relatively new reader. It was before you announced you were pregnant. I followed a link Illyka put in guest post on another web site and I've been hooked ever since. Our needs and outlook change over time and I admire the way your writing has evolved with your life. I read your blog with my morning cup of coffee and your always makes me think.

Posted by: Catherine at April 24, 2008 01:10 PM (zXrpr)

10 You could write about twiddling your thumbs, and I'd still come by for my daily visit. I'm glad the babies have brought this change of perspective.

Posted by: Amanda at April 24, 2008 01:17 PM (ay+rD)

11 You are an amazing writer, mother, and friend. I come here to visit you because you have come to mean a lot to me.

Posted by: Lisa at April 24, 2008 02:18 PM (EcHBm)

12 I'm here for all Helen, all the time. I love the baby chatter, and loooove the stories about the Swunt. Speaking of which- how goes it with her?

Posted by: Andria at April 24, 2008 02:45 PM (Oo4k1)

13 Well, I feel like a dumbass. There's another Mia...and I'm probably not the one you were referring to in a post awhile back. Oh well. Forgive me for being assumptive. I've been reading you for years and years and I will continue to do so. I'm not here for the train wreck...I'm here because I'm following your story on each path it takes. hugs

Posted by: Lauren at April 24, 2008 02:51 PM (iUfJz)

14 I come here for entries like this one. It's well written, and easy to visualize the ending you had in mind. Amazing you can right like this with all that hammering and drilling that must be going on.

Posted by: Bre at April 24, 2008 03:00 PM (zBDcJ)

15 I'm here reading. I thought does occur to me though. Perhaps that decline is readership has been attributed to the recent decline in postership. You've been very busy and not posted a lot in the last few weeks. Now, I'm not complaining about that as clearly you're life is quite busy right now, just offering it up as a possible reason why people might be coming by less often. Christopher

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at April 24, 2008 03:05 PM (bB3uL)

16 I'd like to just take this opportunity to curse you for inadvertently putting Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory" in my head with this post. I'm hoping with this comment I've returned the favour and we're now even. "I'm going dooooooooooooooooown..... in a blaze of gloooooreeeeehhhh!"

Posted by: Ms. Pants at April 24, 2008 03:09 PM (+p4Zf)

17 I've been coming here well before you ever got pregnant, but have been coming less because I've had my own baby and time on the PC is a precious commodity these days. Maybe you have less traffic as a lot of your readers are having babies from your IVF circles? Your blog is well written and entertaining regardless of which topic you chose to write about. This is why I keep coming back.

Posted by: SK at April 24, 2008 03:53 PM (Hpefv)

18 You're on my daily list! I even come on the weekends!

Posted by: The other Amber at April 24, 2008 03:54 PM (zQE5D)

19 I was telling a friend that reading your blog is like reading a autobiography in real time. Because it hasn't been edited to be smooth and polished everything is real, often intensely private and straight from the heart. Everything you write , whether it be about your babies, your Angus, your childhood, all is a part of the continuing story of Helen. It is lovely that you have gotten so far to these happy times. You deserve them! I do enjoy the introspective posts, but know that the day to day living with Angus and the babes is very much the center, as it should be. These days will never come again. You are busy, enjoy your babies and your husband!

Posted by: Melissia at April 24, 2008 04:43 PM (mJWbf)

20 Hi Helen, I've been visiting your web site for approximately 2 years now (wow... time does go fast) and it's actually the first web site that I visit as soon as I come home from work and switch on my computer. It's part of my daily life for the past 2 years or so and I enjoy reading about how your life is going. I'm sorry, I'm not good with words but I guess that what I'm trying to say is that you bring me hope that life can truly be worth fighting for. Your faithful reader, Paolo

Posted by: Paolo at April 24, 2008 04:58 PM (JZVK/)

21 I'm here too - I dont comment much but am keeping reading.

Posted by: Betty M at April 24, 2008 07:05 PM (m7iRq)

22 I'm just disappointed I've found your blog so recently! I feel like I've missed out on some good stuff. (Although I'm so glad you linked the mooncup blog. That has become, without a doubt, my favorite blog ever. It still makes me laugh out loud just thinking about it. I had to share it with friends, it was so great!)

Posted by: kellyangelo at April 24, 2008 09:21 PM (BBaLR)

23 You're still as addicting a read as ever, Helen! And, like Ms. Pants, I now have Blaze of Glory stuck in my head. I'm okay with that, though!

Posted by: ZTZCheese at April 24, 2008 10:21 PM (Iw+8+)

24 We come here because you're a damn good writer. You're still my favorite blog :-) Camino

Posted by: Camino at April 25, 2008 12:16 AM (97jrp)

25 H. - I read absolutely every day and can't imagine not. Yours is the first blog I check in the morning, since it's your evening time. I'm up early and I love a quiet morning before the sun comes up, a cup of coffee and your blog - every single day. Including weekends. Keep writing. We'll keep reading. I promise. Mindy in Tracy, CA

Posted by: Mindy at April 25, 2008 02:02 AM (1rqow)

26 NO no no, I see you doing a 'Thelma & Louise' and not in a Land Rover. It's gotta be a 66 drop top T-Bird, right after giving The Man the bird! whoo hoo. or maybe a 'Butch and Sundance' giving those guys that dont need no stinking badches the finger..Base jumping only without a chute. double whoohooo! just my imagination getting the best of me. sorry.

Posted by: j.m. at April 25, 2008 02:29 AM (ygieo)

27 I don't want to sound all sappy or something, but I come here to read what you write because it is real. Your wit, intelligence, love, kindness--whatever you put into words--is real. That realness shows what an incredible woman you are. I admire that so much. Thank you for allowing me to share in your journey.

Posted by: stacie at April 25, 2008 04:56 AM (Lr4xO)

28 I read every day ... sometimes going back to reflect on older posts. Have toyed with other blogs but have always stayed faithful to you, and now you are my one and only (Sorry, that sounds freaky not amusing but I hope that you understand the sentiment!) I love your writing, no matter what the subject. You are honest and real, and funny and talented and one of the first things I do every morning is check in to Everyday Stranger. You rock ) Happy weekend!

Posted by: moira at April 25, 2008 08:44 AM (UGBIN)

29 Helen, we come because you are a damn good writer! You're still the first blog I read every day :-) Camino

Posted by: Camino at April 25, 2008 01:35 PM (97jrp)

30 I'm still a faithful reader... just things in my own life have taken a turn and I don't get over every day nor do I manage to always comment. Doesn't mean I still don't love to hear about all that you have going on in the world... and so much it is! I, too, had a major life change (although many years ago) and it certainly didn't turn out the way I expected, but honey, I wouldn't change a thing. What a ride! Enjoy each and every minute - good and bad. That's what makes it so interesting.

Posted by: sue at April 29, 2008 03:01 PM (WbfZD)

31 I also married a younger woman. We both come from long lived families, but odds are good that she'll outlive me. I think about that on occasion, because I worry about how she'll manage without me. And then I remember that the future is still a ways off and the present is here. Ergo, I love her and the children as much as I can every single day. No one knows how much time he or she will have. All you can do is make the most of it. I recently finished an otherwise pedestrian fantasy series which contained the following line: "Nothing that is loved ever truly dies." So you love and are loved and pretty much everything else becomes unimportant. Except, of course, for the cookies and ice cream. Life would be hard if there weren't any cookies or ice cream.

Posted by: physics geek at April 29, 2008 05:35 PM (MT22W)

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