On Tuesday the babies and I decided to go to the shop to buy the ingredients to make Statia's Lobsta Bisque for Angus' Valentine's Day dinner. Lobster isn't easy to come by, and I thought the bisque, served with some crusty bread and far too much alcohol, would be popular. So after the morning feed, the babies and I loaded up into the car and headed to Tesco's.

Once there, the three of us were delighted to see that the lobster, she was sold out. I managed to buy a few random things we needed-formula, a cot gallery for Nick and a swimsuit for Nora (the four of us are going to baby swim classes tomorrow. Knowing the babies' love of showers and baths, I've no doubt we'll be pretty unpopular.) There were no boy swimsuits apart from a teeny tiny Speedo, which was a step too far for me - grown men should not wear speedos, let alone infant boys.

While shopping, we got the requisite amount of "Oooooooh, twins!" comments, including one woman who may have been about 90 and wouldn't let go of Nick's foot, leading me to wonder what kind of assault charges I may get hit with and if the press would have an issue with me mowing down an old lady.

As the lobster was what we needed but hadn't gotten, the babies and I drove to Sainsbury's. I was taking a chance here, because it is as Erica once commented - with twin babies you can run an errand, but there can be only one (ha). More than one and you're looking at a meltdown.

I had to chance it.

We went to Sainsbury's, the babies very awake and bordering on being pissy.

Hurtling around the shop I saw a sale on one of my favorite Sauvignon Blancs. I grabbed 6 bottles (you get a 5% discount if you buy 6, so, you know, it makes sense and all). The bottles clinging alcoholically in the trolley, we kept moving.

Nick started to squirm. I managed to find him some swim trunks in size 3-6 months, which luckily has a drawstring as otherwise he's going to have to tuck those fuckers up under his armpits. Great - my kid, the aquatic Elmer Fudd. The swim nappies even were way too big, the tiniest size fits a baby roughly twice his weight. Giant swim trunks it's going to have to be.

A woman stopped me as I hurtled towards the freezer section. "Hi, I'm with Sainsbury's energy supplier, and we'd like to talk to you about your energy uses. Do you know who supplies your home's energy?"

Yes. "No, my husband does it," I shouted over my shoulder, at once stabbing feminism in the mooncup in order to escape a shouty baby scene.

Passing the feminine products aisle, I stop. I see a box of brightly wrapped, interesting looking condoms including some with "heightened sensitivity for her pleasure" and "added touch lubrication for greater feeling". I think about it - contraception isn't an issue with us, but isn't it a bit naughty? Isn't it....lighthearted? I pick up the party pack of condoms and wing it into the cart, next to the 6 bottles of wine and the tiny swim trunks.

Final stop - the freezer section. Nick is beginning to squirm. Nora is sucking on the side of her coat. I'm running very low on time. I spot a shelf full of frozen lobsters.

Score!

Winging one into the cart, we hurtle towards the check-out.

The cashier - an older Scotsman - rings us up, looking at things as they go past his scanner.

Beep! The swim trunks, which are definitely too large.

Beep! The bottles of wine. The guy doesn't even ask for ID, I'm not sure if I should be pleased or depressed. The bottles make a clanging sound as they roll down the belt, sounding decidedly needy and making me want to exclaim loudly that I won't be finishing all of these in one night, thank you, it'll take me at least two nights since the demise of my favorite bendy straw.

Beep! Go the party pack of condoms. The cashier looks at them. He looks at me. He looks at the twins, now fussing angrily in the cart. I can read his mind. Shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, are we lady? he thinks. Maybe investing in some premium latex would've suited you a year ago, instead of now? I feel defiantly embarrassed. This better be a good fucking Valentine's Day.

Beep! BOOOOOOP! goes the lobster. The guy scans it again. He looks at the screen. Something is amiss.

"I'm going to have to call the manager," he says sadly.

Over lobster? "OK," I say, trying to manage my increasingly nuclear children.

The manager comes over. He scans the lobster. He reads the screen.

He turns to me. "I'm sorry madam, I cannot sell you this lobster."

Fuck.

What? "I'm sorry?" I counter. I see spit up on the front of my T-shirt. Oh, and on the cuff of my jacket, too. Nice. "Why not?"

"When scanned it says 'item not for sale', I'm afraid," he replies.

It's the spit up. I look lower class.

"I came here specifically for the lobster," I say tiredly.

"I'm very sorry, we can sell you everything else you need." He points to my other goods. He sees the condom party platter. His eyebrows go up. Can we all just get past the rubbers, I silently plead.

"But you can't sell me the lobster?" I beg. It's because of the condoms. I shouldn't have included prophylactics in my selection, it's pointed to me being not worthy of lobster. People buying lobster don't buy other products that include the words "for her pleasure".

"Sorry, madame, no."

I consider grabbing the crustacean and running. I could outrun them, even with the babies. I picture me opening the cardboard box and letting the lobster out, making the sign for "free" to the lobster and looking like Helen Hunt from that monkey movie I used to watch as the lobster escaped into the sunset.

Of course, the only problem was that:

1) there is no sea around us.
2) the lobster was already cooked.
3) and frozen like a seafoodsicle.

"I think the lobster's been recalled," says the cashier.

"Well maybe removing the entire shelf of them in the frozen section is a good place to start," I say frostily, much like the lobster the manager is carrying away from us.

Nick explodes.

I pay and head to the car, where we drive home with swimsuits, a whole lotta wine, and more condoms than I know what to do with.

Happy Valentine's Day.

-H.

PS-Angus also got this print from me, as I think it sums up our history.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:12 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 1149 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Wow. I had no idea lobster was so hard to come by. While both of our kids were babies we used to marvel at people with twins. One baby was work enough for the two of us.

Posted by: ~Easy at February 14, 2008 12:04 PM (XD24A)

2 Oh man I would die! I mean I guess you probably don't want to be eating recalled lobster or anything.. but I can't believe it was still out on the shelf. What a tease!

Posted by: Erin at February 14, 2008 12:31 PM (IPMSz)

3 I'm not laughing, really I'm not. Ok. Sorry. I am laughing a little bit. Next time perhaps you can assure the cashier that the condoms are for the lobster, perhaps then they could sell them to you.

Posted by: Angela at February 14, 2008 12:43 PM (DGWM7)

4 Just came out of a whirlwind meeting and trying to get my head on straight for the next one. Thank you very much for this, it helped amazingly - especially the idea of Nick with swim trunks up to his armpits. Hope you have a great Valentine's Day!

Posted by: Hannah at February 14, 2008 01:26 PM (J6dok)

5 Ooh, by the way, I've been reading your back archives - would you happen to have that recipe for macaroni and cheese? I'm very curious.

Posted by: Hannah at February 14, 2008 01:29 PM (J6dok)

6 Love isn't true love without food poisoning from e-coli.....yum yum!

Posted by: Heidi at February 14, 2008 01:47 PM (rNAxN)

7 Love isn't true love without e-coli food poisoning.....ummmmm yum yum!

Posted by: Heidi at February 14, 2008 01:51 PM (rNAxN)

8 Why is it the condoms seem so naughty when you don't need them? I am glad someone else feels as I do. ;-) Yeah, removing them from the shelf would be a great place to start, which explains why it wasn't done. I worked for a lot of years in retail, so I am not just trying to bad-mouth and generalize everyone, but it amazes me daily at how bad customer service, in an array of areas and departments, just generally sucks. Sorry you fell victim to it-especially out with the kids. That print is brilliant, and suits you both to a 'T'. Happy Hearts Day!!!

Posted by: Teresa at February 14, 2008 02:07 PM (9rwcH)

9 Happy Valentine's Day!

Posted by: Jen(aside) at February 14, 2008 03:20 PM (CCc3n)

10 I think that print is absolutely perfect. I alternately laughed and groaned my way through this post. "stabbing feminism in the mooncup" - hahahaha!!! I suppose no lobster is better than recalled lobster but to have it on the shelf is a terrible tease, as Erin said. Also, I must agree that these days terrible customer service and in fact a general lack of common courtesy appear to be the norm. Sad. Happy Valentine's Day!

Posted by: Lisa at February 14, 2008 06:20 PM (EcHBm)

11 Happy V-Day to you! If it isn't too late, you can probably substitute shrimp for lobster in your recipe and it should still be really good. Good luck!

Posted by: Jeannine at February 14, 2008 06:30 PM (zfPGY)

12 "at once stabbing feminism in the mooncup" I almost died laughing after reading that line! Happy Valentine's Day to you!

Posted by: Julie at February 14, 2008 09:52 PM (g2yW5)

13 Hi Helen! Just checking out your comments to make sure things are working. Then I read your post and can't stop laughing.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 14, 2008 10:54 PM (ZDJP/)

14 I think I adore you. Mostly because I nearly peed my pants at that one.

Posted by: bonnie at February 14, 2008 11:20 PM (5hnPX)

15 I warned you not to do too many errands at one given time! 8-) Thanks for the shout out. I actually had to read your post aloud to my husband after I couldn't stop laughing, and he wanted to know why I was laughing out loud at the laptop. You made him laugh too. Hope this Valentines Day is all about "her pleasure"!

Posted by: Erica at February 15, 2008 01:40 AM (D6tE/)

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