Dear World -

The following things are annoying me greatly. Please to fix.

1) For each time I have to hear "You know PMS comes monthly, you just have to deal with it" I'm going to kick you in the nuts. While you're writhing around the ground, vomiting blood and begging to die, I'm going to say "You know your scrotum is vulnerable, you just have to deal with it."

You have a nutsack.

I have PMS.

Let's tread a little carefully, ok?

2) Such a to-do. Andrew Sachs needs to get a sense of humor. Jonathon Ross needs to further develop his sense of decorum, although the granddaughter in question is 23, and not an 8 year-old, like the media would have you believe. And Russell Brand quit? I care...why? Russell Brand is considered a sex object over here, although I fail to see why. To me, if you find him sexy you need your eyes checked and a prophylactic round of antibiotics prescribed.

3) It's the end of the fucking world as I know it, and no, I don't feel fine.

4) I spent time this morning in an MRI, which has gifted me with a staggering migraine that makes me want to pop open my head, pull out the right-hand side of my brain, and close the lid again. All this to allegedly see what's up with my wrist. I also forgot to remove certain items from my pocket before the MRI, and did you know that MRIs shag metal reader strips on things like credit cards and parking tickets? Let my lesson be a lesson for you too.

5) I'm going to invent a tampon that doesn't do the pendulum when you remove it. You know what I'm talking about. You're sitting down, pulling the string (the Mooncup and I have broken up, see) and once you've reached the point where the downward motion takes over for you, you get The Swing. The Swing is a force of its own. The Swing inevitably hits the inside of the toilet seat, meaning you have to clean it every damn time you remove a tampon lest the males in your house complain that not only do they have to lower the toilet seat for your feminine ass, but they have to view a bloody Pepe Le Peu-like line up the middle of the seat during that time of month. I need a non-pendulum tampon plan.

6) Speaking of pendulums, tomorrow's our anniversary and I am bleeding like the Nile. Kind of puts a halt to my Naughty Nurse Routine. Nothing's sexier than bichon frise-sized tampons, me clutching the bottle of ibuprofen like it's the elixir of life, and my ceaseless begging for lower back rubs while wearing my I Have My Period Granny Panties. I am so hot.

7) We're off to the mother-in-laws' for the afternoon, with two teens, two teething toddlers, and a stonking migraine. I really like my mother-in-law, but she talks for England, and it's a scientific fact that anyone with Crumplebottom blood running through their veins cannot say goodbye in under two hours. The other sisters-in-law agree with me. You can start packing people up all you want, but there is no way everyone is getting out the door in anything resembling a timely manner.

I wanted to do some fundraising with the babies for BBC's Children In Need. I am a huge, huge fan of Children in Need, they truly do amazing things for children and families - they help disadvantaged children and families by supplying desperately needed help, including mental health treatment which (as you know) I'm a huge supporter of. Every year I cry like a baby during Children in Need programme. It's not too late to set something up, I just know the economy has us all down and it's not a good idea to try to fundraise, but Children In Need? It's important to me.

9) Tomorrow's Halloween, and I haven't hung up a single fucking decoration. My favorite holiday and it sort of escaped me this year.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:12 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 686 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Have a Happy Halloween anyway, Helen, and I hope your migraine goes away soon.

Posted by: kenju at October 30, 2008 11:56 AM (8o6aU)

2 MRI's are big magnets. I can't believe that they didn't tell you to take everything out of your pockets before you went into the thing; that's just irresponsible. No metal (gold, silver and platinum are okay, they're not magnetic), no magnetic cards, no coins... Hope you get some halloween decorations up today.

Posted by: Hilary at October 30, 2008 12:27 PM (Rww9w)

3 My Halloween decorations don't go up until Halloween anyway. Hope the migrane is gone soon.

Posted by: ~Easy at October 30, 2008 12:37 PM (IVGWz)

4 Halloween is my anniversary, and we have done hardly any decorating. Depression is a bitch.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at October 30, 2008 01:22 PM (0Pi1o)

5 4: They stop watches, too. 5: Pendulum: Very funny, and very true. 6: Sounds very familiar right now, minus the anniversary part. I keep reminding myself that it's not really appropriate to moan in pain at work.

Posted by: BeachGirl at October 30, 2008 01:57 PM (+JxG2)

6 Saw the news about Tennant last night and wondered how your would take it. Still, you have tix to see him on stage! So jealous!

Posted by: Lee at October 30, 2008 02:02 PM (cP0Yl)

7 Hey, I did fundraising for the Nashville Humane Association last month. I thought with our economy I'd be lucky to get $70 (figuring I'd just add my own money to get to $70, even though I put my goal as $100). I ended up raising $345. So I say go for it! While the economy is bad for everyone, it's even worse for charities.

Posted by: Melanie at October 30, 2008 02:11 PM (c+Pme)

8 Could you teach my nieces to clean up after the pendulum issue? We went for a visit and I used the "girls" bathroom...UGH. Never again. Apparently cleanliness isn't a high priority in a household of 4 teenage girls?

Posted by: Tracy at October 30, 2008 02:55 PM (eiiGE)

9 Our pumpkins are still sitting in the yard, uncarved. Sigh. where does the time go?

Posted by: ewe_are_here at October 30, 2008 04:22 PM (tTDTf)

10 Was it wrong of me to find most of this post hilarious?

Posted by: That Girl at October 30, 2008 05:23 PM (hzryQ)

11 MRI is par for the course with EDS and I am glad to see that you are getting one so soon. It is important to check for aneurysms on a routine basis just to be safe if you have a history of migraines. It sounds as if your doctors are on the ball. I, too, am in mourning about Davis Tenant, although, to be honest, I had to just listen to the interview at least twice because I am a Scottish accent whore. Only then could I comprehend anything he actually said. And then I saved it for my listening pleasure. I am a sad, sad person.

Posted by: Melissia at October 30, 2008 07:29 PM (IBnue)

12 I'm feelin your pain ( When you got those tampons sorted fed-ex a box over pls!

Posted by: Moira at October 30, 2008 08:35 PM (UGBIN)

13 Roaring like buggery fuck at the bichon-frise tampons. It's possible I shall Never Ever forget you said that. The problem with the whole two uterus thing is that when the red tsunami does eventually turn up, it's like trying to keep back the raging ocean with a sadly inadequate broom. Much sympathy extended. Friend of mine suffered muchly with the penduluming bichon in the works bog: it swung so much that she somehow let it go, whereupon it rolled all the way down her pristine white trousers. Argh.

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at October 30, 2008 08:54 PM (yhWce)

14 #3 - No no no no no no! I think I might cry.

Posted by: Veronica at October 30, 2008 11:16 PM (gwvsg)

15 There is now diet pepsi all over my laptop, due to spewing it out my nose in laughter. Thanks I needed it today!

Posted by: the mother hen at October 30, 2008 11:44 PM (6Qe+H)

16 well, I guess we kinda made up for your lack of decorating. Happy Halloween, to all of you!

Posted by: caltechgirl at October 31, 2008 01:11 AM (IfXtw)

17 #3 - I don't know this Dr. Who personally, though I've heard tell...but since Maura Tierney's exit from "ER" two weeks back, I have very little will to live. #4 - I had an MRI once, and had showtunes stuck in my head for three days. I don't know why, but I swore up and down the damned thing was clicking in time to "Fiddler." #5 - Please let me know when you find/invent that, because I could use it.

Posted by: D at October 31, 2008 09:06 AM (bRx8a)

18 happy aniversary. I see you and I are on the same monthly schedule. fun times around here this week too. we just had a lovely chat this morning over coffee about whether or not my beloved was willing to go purchase tampons for me. He said he was willing, but I promised that I'd try really hard to never ask him to do that. I was joking about sending him out for diapers, halloween candy and tampons. quite a purchase - sounds like a good time at our house!

Posted by: Carol at October 31, 2008 05:35 PM (19QEy)

19 #5 - whenever you invent those, i will buy them. in the meantime i resort to grasping the bottom of the tampon with my fingers when within reach - since i'm going to be washing my hands *anyway*.... right?

Posted by: QoB at November 02, 2008 10:47 PM (MvKZl)

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