Whenever I see a form that I have to fill out with the empty, glaring box marked "Occupation", I always have to fight what I really want to put down, and put down instead my real job, which I state as "engineer/manager" as I'm something across those two. I've flirted with the idea of putting down "Pet Shop Boys wanna-be roadie", "Day Glo Stick test engineer", or "Muffin Head". But those are just idle flirtations, those are just me having an affair with the truth. Because the truth is, even though I put down "engineer/manager" in that little box, there's only one occupation that I always battle my hand to not fill in.

That occupation is "Warrior Goddess".

I always want to fill that in.

Before anyone goes there, lemme' just say that I am not currently on any medication (although am thinking of knocking that one on the head, I'll be honest). I am also not hearing little voices in my head telling me to boil the bunny. I do not have a stuffed swan that I am turning into a dress, because that's been done, too, with some Icelandic flair.

Nor am I Xena, or even something like Xena. For the record - I only ever saw one episode of Xena and I was pretty fucking drunk when I saw that one episode. I'm pretty sure Xena was created by a man because no woman would choose to dress like that, and Xena and Gabriel definitely munched the fish taco. Seriously, you just know they went south of the border on occasion.

"More blood of the Garbangon, Gabs?"

"Don't mind if I do, Xena. What is that, 80 proof?"

"90, but who's counting. Say, you look pretty hot in that ripped leather outfit that resembles nothing more than a chamois I used to buff up the leather on my dragon this morning. Speaking of buffing up..."

No, I'm not Xena either. Nor am I deity or anything like that. But I do want to put down "Warrior Goddess" on my occupation form everytime, simply because sometimes I like to pretend that's what I am.

Honest.

Take this pond business, for instance. Dressed in crappy sweats and my hair in 6 different directions of ugly, I was pulling and forcing tree stumps out of the ground. With my hands. And a great big fuck off shovel that I think has been in a number of CSI episodes as a potential murder weapon. And with each stone I removed, I would turn to Angus and report.

"The Warrior Goddess has removed another tree. She is beholden to none. NONE!"

And he's nod and go about pruning the apple tree because he's used to my nonsense.

The Warrior Goddess, she can come in handy. When people start to get the better of me, sometimes I whip out the Warrior Goddess. The Warrior Goddess speaks in the third person. She does not wear leather. She can be a slightly arrogant bitch, but then we all get a little PMS from time to time, the Warrior Goddess is no exception.

The Warrior Goddess is slightly tougher than her more mousy alter-ego Helen, whom the Warrior Goddess looks at with disdain sometimes, people, disdain! Why does Helen feel the need to wear gardening gloves when pulling out tree stumps! This should be done with one's bare hands so that one can feel the pull of the earth! One should have blisters and callouses to prove one's worth! Why does Helen need to tap the pickle jar lid against the cabinet, if Helen wasn't such a weakling she could simply grab the jar and twist, to release these brine encapsulated prisoners! Why does Helen let that man who smells like cheap bourbon to sit on the tail of her coat on the crowded train from London? She should kick his ass, enroll him in an alcoholics program and administer breath mints in a one-two-three punch!

The Warrior Goddess, she can be a handful, but she's pretty helpful.

Helen doesn't always lose, of course. When Captain Constipation finally left (THREE tablets, that's the key) I found myself spending a long time in the bathroom. I was also exceptionally pleased I've always been a stickler for the soft toilet paper.

The Warrior Goddess, however, grumbled. "I don't see why we need that fancy soft quilted shite. The Warrior Goddess can use tree bark! I am a real woman! I do not need three sheets in one!"

"Shut the hell up, Warrior Goddess," Helen retorted. "It's my bog roll, I'll do what I want. If this was just your ass we were talking about, I'd say to grab the nearest Oak trunk you find and rub yourself happy, but since it's not, your view on how soft the toilet paper is isn't welcome. Next time you go to the store maybe you should buy things instead of running around trying to slay dragons or free canned peaches or whatever the hell it is you do in your spare time."

Occasionally even the Warrior Goddess needs a smackdown.

She's not real, and she's not some alter ego of mine. I just think it's amusing to enter situations and try to channel my strength into something with a sense of humor, which to me is a tough chick who speaks in the third person (which I do get really fucks off most people around you if you talk in the third person, so the Warrior Goddess, she refrains from speech around all but Angus because really, he needs to know what he's getting himself into here.)

But if I put down "Warrior Goddess" on a form then no doubt the nice men with the clean white jackets and sparkly attractive drugs would come find me and talk me into their nice shiny car. Probably much like you want to do after reading this entry.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:41 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 989 words, total size 5 kb.

1 LOL, you do make me laugh! Go Warrior Goddess!

Posted by: justme at January 29, 2008 11:38 AM (YX+8b)

2 Go ahead, fill in Warrior Goddess. I don't know, I think there is a little bit of her in everyone ;-)

Posted by: Angela at January 29, 2008 12:12 PM (DGWM7)

3 Helen....Warrior Goddess.... there's a difference? After reading some of your entries, I'm sure you're more similar than you give yourself credit for!!

Posted by: Vicki at January 29, 2008 12:23 PM (smxK1)

4 I say go for it.On mine I always write Domestic Engineer.And if the men in white coats come you might as well send them my way too.lol

Posted by: Erica at January 29, 2008 01:54 PM (AZFra)

5 Actually, that is considered normal for my group of friends. No eye blinks here.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 29, 2008 02:00 PM (tie24)

6 Believe it or not, I can call upon my inner warrior goddess at will. She is always happy to emerge! I would believe nothing less of you, dear Helen.

Posted by: kenju at January 29, 2008 02:23 PM (yvCMb)

7 I love it. I think you should do it. We'll all band together our own Warrior Gods and Goddesses to come spring you if the nice white-coat and meds-bearing men take you away. Ahh, hell, Warrior Goddess could take 'em all even locked into a straitjacket with both feet nailed to the floor. I loved reading this post and just might have to read it again (and again). PS: I really enjoyed the visual of you gardening - is that weird? I thought you looked cute. Hee.

Posted by: Lisa at January 29, 2008 02:51 PM (EcHBm)

8 As long as you don't start writing in the third person consistently, this Amanda thinks the Warrior Goddess is great!

Posted by: Amanda at January 29, 2008 04:01 PM (B5c+c)

9 I had to stop in my reading to say that this: I do not have a stuffed swan that I am turning into a dress, because that's been done, too, with some Icelandic flair. The fashion faux pas that is the Bjork Oscars dress is a day I will never forget and the reason I know that, no matter how funky my fashion choices, I'll never - EVER - be that bad. And also? One reason I love you so. xoxo

Posted by: Margi at January 29, 2008 05:50 PM (IYBY1)

10 It's wrong that I read this: "It's my bog roll, I'll do what I want. . . "It's my BLOG roll." That's wrong, isn't it? Heh. Oh yeah - for the record - I say that you, my Warrior Goddess, have been through hell and back twice and you EARNED that title, and then some. Them that don't likes it? Can fuck right off. BECAUSE YOU'RE BEHOLDEN TO NONE! NONE!

Posted by: Margi at January 29, 2008 05:56 PM (IYBY1)

11 That is so totally normal. Maybe we're both crazy.

Posted by: Meredith at January 29, 2008 06:19 PM (qBJ7U)

12 I always called mine Bitch Goddess, but Warrior Goddess is quite more apt. We all need her every once in a while, don't we?

Posted by: sophie at January 29, 2008 06:34 PM (ZPzQL)

13 I used to take great joy in putting down all kinds of things in that box on my tax form. Over the years I've been an astronaut, deep sea diver, superhero, and sex therapist. However, now that I'm a grown-up and have a chance of being audited, I forego this small pleasure...for now.

Posted by: ~Easy at January 29, 2008 08:23 PM (XD24A)

14 I've always wanted to put down something interesting, odd, funny or disgusting there, but never have. Oh the other place in the memo line on checks. I had a friend who would always write "sexual favors" on the memo line at the grocery store.

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at January 29, 2008 09:24 PM (LsM3K)

15 I am very happy to hear that there is such an entity as a Warrior Goddess inside of you and that you let her out on suitable occasions. By all means, refer to her in the third person, she will love you for it. There is nothing better than acknowledging the Warrior Goddess within. I think this is a very healthy and positive development in your psyche. Carl Jung would call this one of your arch types and he was all for developing and nurturing them. We are a miserable lot when we don't have these types inside of us or when we don't acknowledge them. So, go girl, keep ripping out those tree stumps and doing other Warrior Goddess type activities. It will come in handy especially now that you have the babies.

Posted by: Irene at January 30, 2008 09:17 AM (RL+iu)

16 I think thats great! In fact, I think I could benefit greatly from channeling my own warrior goddess!

Posted by: Kristine Needleman at February 02, 2008 05:55 PM (8SRDh)

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