If you asked me if I thought my weekend was going to go the way it did, I think I would've shrugged and murmured something along the lines of "No, not really, I - ooh look-something shiny!"

In time honored tradition, I give you the following "Which one of these things doesn't belong here?". The following are things that happened this weekend, but one of these things didn't happen. Which one is it?

A) I watched the entire season 4 of Grey's Anatomy that Angus downloaded from a pirate site for me to peruse managed to get a hold of from a peer-to-peer backing up and storage website.

B) I dug up a dead body in my garden.

C) I ate calzone.

D) I had a hangover for the first time in over a year.

The answer?

Yeah, um, I haven't had calzone in forever, so that's your guy.

I did watch my Grey's Anatomy (oh writer's strike, how you curse me so). We both got hangovers on Saturday morning as we finished off two and a half bottles of wine, something we're not necessarily proud of but, hey, you live in the minute sometimes. I didn't have calzone but I did have mac and cheese (twice, which was naughty, especially since I am now down 7 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight and eating mac and cheese isn't likely to keep that going).

And yes. I did dig up a body in the garden.

It's all very Funny Farm I know.

As I've discussed here before, we have a great big fuck-off garden that was one of the selling points of the house, but to which I now can't figure out why I was so excited by. Huge beautiful sculpted gardens look lovely. Huge beautiful sculpted gardens are, too me, quintessentially English. Huge beautiful sculpted gardens require constant maintenance, something the retired gardener who lived here before us was able to provide and something which, even if we did have the time (which we don't) is something we lack the skill in (and which I lack the interest in. I'm lazy like that. If I can't be decent at something then I figure I shouldn't bother).

One of the other selling points for me was the fish pond we had in the back garden. It was a great big thing, taking up about a quarter of the garden. I thought it was so quaint, so twee, so lovely to sit back there in the summer with a bottle of semillion blanc and the drone of the wind in the rushes as the occasional orange fish fin probed the surface. Instead what I got was a mosquito and frog breeding ground that had to be constantly covered as there's a neighborhood heron that views fish ponds as all-you-can-eat snack bars. The pond vegetation and I were always at war. The pond and I were always at war.

Last year I ripped out the pond, and our lone surviving fish still lives happily in Angus' mother's fish pond.

This year I needed to finish the job. Get the rest of the liner out, fill in the pond, level the area, rip out the trees and shurbs, and grass over the area. So when the sun came out this weekend, I knew that the pond and I, we had some business to attend to.

This was the pond starting point:

We've been filling the pond in with garden refuse all year, and it has been filling up nicely. On Saturday I savaged the pond, attacking it with great ferocity.

By Sunday, courtesy of me being home alone as Angus was at a reunion with some of his former scout mates and I was bored as I'd finished my Grey's Anatomy discs by staying up much later than is wise, the pond looked like this:

Note our green composter, the neighbor's crumbling fence (it might be our crumbly fence, we're not clear on that) and the ever helpful Gorby removing a stick from the pond site. He's really helpful, if by helpful you mean "chases dirt, chews sticks, and generally gets in the way as often as possible".

I started digging out some more of the massive vegetation mound next to the pond site to fill the pond in when I uncovered a box. Thinking buried treasure or time capsule (which I am preparing to put a time capsule into the former pond site myself as I am a real and true geek), I dug out the box.

Imagine my shock and surprise when the box was pulled free, the bottom of the box came off and I saw, inside, a whole lotta' ashes.

Oh fuck, I think mildly. And it really was mild. I think I was in shock, my response to it was similar to how I'd react if I'd realized I discovered a run in my sock or if Gorby had grown another leg. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called Angus.

"Um, yeah," I said cautiously. "I think I just dug someone up out of our garden."

"It's possible. It's not like that house is a stranger to people popping their clogs."

Which is true. The house is 100 years old and we know of at least 3 people who have died in the house, all of them elderly. The idea of previous owners dying under this roof would freak me out, but I figure at least I know about them dying here (so no surprise flesh-eating zombies there) and hopefully they had nice long lives that gave them incentive to go into the light, especially since that would be the one thing they could see without putting on their reading glasses.

I flip the box over.

"The body's name is Fred," I say into the phone.

'Cause it is, according to the engraved plate on the wooden casket.

After much discussion, we decide that Fred may have been a dog. The previous owner (the gardener) had about one hundred cats and dogs, she was always losing her animals to any number of ways there are to meet untimely ends (she also lost her husband while he was living here, he is one of the three we know about. Ironically, it was the death of 5 out of her 6 Retrievers that prompted her to move, as opposed to the death of her husband. She sold us the house for a ridiculously low cost, bought a smaller home, and has since paid over £50,000 in repairs based on last year's flooding. Ouch.) We're pretty sure she's the one that put the pond in, so it would make sense if it was a dog.

There were an awful lot of ashes for a dog there, though. Not like I'm used to weighing up cremated remains or anything, but that has to be a big damn dog to account for ashes of such weight and quantity. I'm going to keep thinking "Dog". Dog dog dog dog dog.

I re-buried Fred in the new pond site. It may not be where Fred wants to be but it's the best I can do. I'm hopeful I don't need an exorcism or anything, as while I was re-burying Fred the entire wooden casket holding the ashes fell apart, and I'm thinking the plastic baggie covering the brick-like remains of Fred won't last long against the elements (the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out).

Work will continue on the pond until the whole area is levelled and grassed off. Maybe Fred will like that. I certainly hope he will, and that this story won't end badly, with the flesh-eating zombies theme or anything like that.

I'll keep you posted.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:32 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 1290 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Now THAT is an interesting story What was her husband's name??? I am interested to know if it was a pet or a deceased spouse??? heh

Posted by: justdawn at January 28, 2008 10:17 AM (5Y5yx)

2 Is it wrong of me to find that funny? Ok, well it was just a small smirk. My Mum and Dad moved into a house a couple of years ago and found the dead husband & wife in the wardrobe that was left behind...ashes of course. Funny, after that, they didn't want to keep the furniture.

Posted by: Becks at January 28, 2008 10:17 AM (BI+Xa)

3 If the previous owner of your house had a hundred cats and dogs, she maybe called every dog by the name of Fred- and maybe each cat was named Cathy. Just imagine the effort to think about one hundred different names for your pets... and as a bonus, you'll need only one of this tiny metal plates with a name engraved on it. I think I need some wine now. Lily.

Posted by: lily at January 28, 2008 11:04 AM (Y8m4l)

4 I can't believe how GREEN it is there.....you have lawn....seriously and it's January.....*le sigh*.....we have snow...shitloads and shitloads of snow...with 5-10 cms MORE of it today...I knew I liked the UK during the summer...who knew I'd be coveting your country in the winter too? Good luck with Fred!

Posted by: wn at January 28, 2008 12:16 PM (zh/oU)

5 "It may not be where Fred wants to be but it's the best I can do." Had to clean up the tea I just spit all over my desk at work - that was the funniest thing I read in days. Unfortunately I can't tell my colleagues why I'm grinning like a madwoman since I'm officially working on a boring memo. PS Very envious of your season 4. Must get the man in the house to 'buy' those disks for me too.

Posted by: Vita at January 28, 2008 12:49 PM (yK+2t)

6 RIP Fred. Thank goodness it was "just" a box of ashes and not a whole body! You had me scared for a bit. Maybe Fred was a St. Bernard or a Mastiff or something massive like that. Or I like Lily's idea - maybe every dog was called Fred and they're all in there together, hence the plastic bag... was there a twist-tie on it? ZipLoc? Haha! and ewwww! at the same time.

Posted by: Lisa at January 28, 2008 12:56 PM (EcHBm)

7 Oh wow, that would freak me out. Hopefully he'll be happy with his new burial spot!

Posted by: Erin at January 28, 2008 01:10 PM (IPMSz)

8 Oh, how I loved Funny Farm as a kid...but anyway, about the dead "dog" body. Ack! It is possible that there are a large number of ashes due to the fact that animals are often cremated in bulk, so you are given a scoop of ashes basically, not just your own pet's ashes. When my dog was cremated I had to pay extra to have her cremated alone. Come to think of it, she had a lot of ashes and they were all hers. She was a collie, but the ashes took up a full canister. If a dog was very large, who knows - an oil drum? Heh.

Posted by: MsPrufrock at January 28, 2008 01:53 PM (Lorry)

9 At least it was ashes. It could have been the skeleton. I had a fence that was more run-down than your is. It actually belonged to my neighbor, but since I have the dog I offered to split the cost with him 50/50.

Posted by: ~Easy at January 28, 2008 01:57 PM (XD24A)

10 Oh dear god that creeps the F out of me! I would rather it had been bones so you KNOW little Fred was a dog. Poor Fred, poor Helen.

Posted by: Christina at January 28, 2008 02:58 PM (J6Yo6)

11 Um... if it gives you any comfort, my parents' dog was around 50 pounds and he was a medium dog, so yeah. Dog is probable. You wouldn't put a name plate on a body you were trying to hide, after all.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 28, 2008 03:28 PM (tie24)

12 There is a lot if ashes even when it is a pet. Many years back my grandma's dog died, and she was just a little Lahaso Apso. I was house sitting for my grandma with my cousin, and when we got there I saw the pretty new "candy dish" on the counter. Being the sweet tooth I am, I quickly ran over there and ripped off the lid and stuck my hand in, yelling "candy!". Good thing they wrap up the ashes in a baggie. It is a bit unnerving though. I will keep my fingers crossed that there are no restless souls roaming your house tonight. And I can't believe how green it is in your backyard. I look out my window and all I see is white. It has been sunny though, and today it is 34 degrees-a real heat wave this time of year.

Posted by: Teresa at January 28, 2008 03:32 PM (unU1F)

13 I have to be honest and tell you that I find the first half of this story to be hilarious. Mainly in a laughing so I don't cry sort of way. One of the selling points of our house was the beautifully kept country English style garden surrounding the whole back yard and the beautiful pond. Oh what a nightmare those turned out to be. The back yard looked great because the previous owner loved to be outside and garden and had lots of free time to do it. Not us. I prefer no-maintenance to low-maintenance. Oh and the pond, so nicely perched below the deciduous tree. What a mucky mess that turned into. I guess you alredy know what a 100 little froggies outside your bedroom window sounds like. So much for sleep. Needless to say, we ripped out the pond, one rock at a time and have tried desperately to keep the garden in check. I'm nearly ready to "press reset" on the whole yard and start over, but I just don't have that much energy. Damn. As for Fred, most certainly a dog. It could have been a St Bernard, Great Dane, or something other dog nearly human sized.

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at January 28, 2008 04:04 PM (Ev8J1)

14 Whoa. Now I wonder if anyone is going to dig up our old parakeets we buried behind our garage in the old house. I guess I never thought about it before! Oh, yeah, and our little dog in the middle of the yard. We buried it under a tree, but then the new people ripped the tree out. I bet *that* was a surprise...

Posted by: Jen(aside) at January 28, 2008 04:15 PM (UFabB)

15 LMAO! OHMIGOD. I'm hoping you'll become wildly famous and rich after you write a book about a rambunctious squirrel named "Mangus."

Posted by: Margi at January 28, 2008 06:47 PM (IYBY1)

16 What was her late husband's name? Just kidding!

Posted by: Therese at January 28, 2008 06:56 PM (jhS6r)

17 Damn.... you found Fred....

Posted by: Paolo at January 28, 2008 07:47 PM (uLaBd)

18 Ok, I think "Drop Dead Fred" references would be highly tactless right now, tempting though they are to me. Wow. Just in case, you might look into getting some zombie repellant. I bet they sell it on the internet...

Posted by: Mallory at January 28, 2008 09:00 PM (nvu+Q)

19 Hmmmm. My 30 pound Sadie produced (left behind, or whatever) a small tin about the size one might keep tesa bsags in--small flowers and all. I was glad to pay for her cremation, but the $80 minimum urns seemed a bit much. I think someone trying to hide a body would not label it "Fred." Your weekend was far more interesting than mine.

Posted by: sophie at January 28, 2008 11:50 PM (ZPzQL)

20 I don't know - labelling a body as "Fred" might be truly brilliant, because nobody would expect a human to be in a box labelled just "Fred". Perhaps Fred WAS a human, and loved sitting by the pond (Because he liked frogs and had good mosquito repellant.) Maybe it was all meant so you'd just have a REALLY good story, and a reason to drink more wine? Let us know if Fred decides to haunt...

Posted by: Tracy at January 29, 2008 01:42 AM (869MS)

21 As I was reading this I was thinking.... I lead such a boring life, I don't have a story like this to tell. Then I thought, thank goodness! I don't need a Fred...alive or dead!

Posted by: Vicki at January 29, 2008 02:15 AM (smxK1)

22 I admire your energy and gusto in tackling the former pond and making it a proper part of your garden, which seems to be quite a tough job. You certainly are not afraid of a bit of work, are you? I have great admiration for people who roll up their sleeves and decide to do the job themselves even when they have never done anything like it before. I imagine that you are a pretty tough broad and I mean that as a compliment, because I used to be a pretty tough broad myself in my former years.

Posted by: Irene at January 29, 2008 03:36 AM (RL+iu)

23 I'm glad not to be the only one who thought of "Drop Dead Fred" (funny movie though) - thanks Mallory!

Posted by: Lisa at January 29, 2008 05:42 AM (EcHBm)

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