Many years ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. When I finally got the diagnosis the relief was instant, like a wave that pushed me under to a place where I no longer had to panic and struggle, I could simply drown amongst the answers. Extreme sufferers of BPD also have dissociation, which I had for so many years that it has changed all of my memories, thoughts and feelings on levels I can't even being to unpick.

I started therapy after my third suicide attempt. My last therapist here in London was the best. Calmly but emotively we worked through so much that cataloguing it all would take years to get out. He told me that in his many years of being a psychotherapist, my background was by far the most unstable that he'd ever encountered, that I would no doubt have wound up a statistic, a name in the obituaries of a crumpled up morning newspaper, had I not sought help. I would have spiralled and split so completely that I could never have been whole, because in the end I was not only dissociating when bad things happened, I was dissociating when anything happened which triggered an emotional reaction. BPD sufferers are described as people who are the emotional equivalent of a third degree burn. It's the most perfect description ever.

In my therapy sessions I started to learn about myself and about what my condition had done to my way of thinking. The biggest issue was the dissociation. Even though I no longer dissociate anymore, I just couldn't get past it taking over my past and my memories. I called it "watching myself in a movie", because that's how it appeared. The worst of it was my entire childhood played out in a film before me. My memories were filled of watching another child grow up. My nightmares at night were about the adult me trying to rescue children, and failing every time. My therapist told me that was the adult me trying to save the little me, that I had to reach out and rescue the child in order to rescue myself, and I laughed and told him I didn't buy that shit, to go sell crunchy granola to someone else.

Then the Child Me started to make herself known. In a therapy session I would see myself as a child, standing against the wall in the room. The young me would be sat on the stairs, watching me. The goal was always to get the Child Me to disappear inside of me, to connect the two. We never succeeded though, and the closest we ever got was the Child Me curled underneath the sofa I sat on, her face even with the treads of my shoes on the floorboards.

I know this sounds crazy. I know it sounds like I should be locked up and the key thrown away. But this is how profoundly screwed up I was - when I talked about my childhood, the Child Me was there, in the room, the actor in the movies of my life. Some of my memories are completely lost, but at least we figured out where I started to break, where it began to go wrong. And I learned that even though I was broken, it didn't mean I was a write-off.

Nick and Nora give me so much in life. I am not trying tu gush about my children or idolize them, because trust me - we have our bad days. Nick helps me in so many ways, with his large eyes and even larger personality. My son gives me so much.

But it's Nora that's bringing me together.

Nora, the child with the colicky past. Nora, the one that no one could bear for so long. Nora, the one who I can point to the moment where I bonded with her. It wasn't when she was born, for although I was crazy in love with her from the beginning, she was a foreign little creature to me. No, it was on the plane on the way back from the States in January that we hit that patch of time that parents call bonding. Curled on my lap, spread-eagled and asleep, she snuggled into me during the entire flight from Amsterdam to London. We snoozed together, each of us taking turns sighing, and it was from that moment that I took her into places of my heart that hadn't seen light for many, many years. I just knew.

A completely stupid thing to say, but I just knew.

This is not to say that Nick hasn't wandered into his own abandoned corridors in my heart, because he has, and there is no comparison between my children as I love them equally.

This is just to say that there's something about Nora that is bringing me back together again.

There's something about her happiness and welcome that makes me feel like I am healing. The Child Me, the one under the couch - sometimes I can touch her. Sometimes I feel her. Flashes, really - suddenly I am her, making myself walk down the sidewalk in a way to make my ponytail swing. My shins vibrate with the feel of metal roller skate wheels on the bumpy driveway. My knees tighten under the mask of scabs from falling down. Sunlight hits the back of my neck.

These are things the Child Me had.

And for moments - just moments only - I am Child Me.

I can't explain why, but there's something about my daughter that is fixing me. My son, he's helping other parts of me, but my daughter has this in the palm of her tiny hands. When Nora's eyes light up at seeing me, I feel the Child Me just behind me, her breath on my neck. When Nora babbles and growls and gigles, I smell candy necklaces and banana scratch 'n sniff stickers. When Nora nestles her head on me and falls asleep, I look through my mind and see memories that come from me, not from me watching me.

The burden to be a whole person is on myself, not on my children. I am broken but I do not expect them to fix me, I know that only I can do that. I would never impose that responsibility on them because I want only hope, light, and stability for them.

But my daughter is helping me heal.

I knew that having children would teach me to be a mother.

I never knew that having them would teach me how to be the child I was, too.

-H.

PS-I've signed up for this Twitter business, although I have no idea what I'm supposed to do (suggestions welcome). You can find me here.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:24 AM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
Post contains 1135 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Your ability to write so openly and honestly never ceases to astound me. Children do change us in profound ways, and they do help us reconnect with the child we once were.

Posted by: ~Easy at May 08, 2008 11:19 AM (XD24A)

2 Welcome to Twitter, took me a while to get my head around too... as in, I had an account for a YEAR before I ever really used it... now it's just a forum for blogging those tiny thoughts I never get a chance to write a whole post about... I'd ike to hear yours, so now (cue: do do, do do... a la Jaws) I'm following you... [OMG... I sound totally creepy... sorry... didn't mean to!]

Posted by: deeleea at May 08, 2008 11:32 AM (IphB3)

3 I'm tearing up as I read. You have an uncanny ability to express yourself, Helen. Our babies never know how much they do for us, just by being. They show us our unbounded capacity for love (of others, of them and of ourselves!)

Posted by: kenju at May 08, 2008 12:13 PM (yvCMb)

4 When I was a child..and into teen age years...I had a major problem with rage. I don't know why - there are theories that it's from a molestation I don't remember, or from my parents very ugly divorce - but it was all-comsuming. In my teenage years my mother associated it with PMD - she said I'd have been able to kill somebody when I was premenstrual, and get away with it, because tehre was no doubt I had PMD. When I was pregnant, I was afraid that rage would prevent me from loving my baby. I think it was there up until the day she was born. And I can't remember feeling it a single time since then. Daughters are a way that we can "change" what happened to us. We can make it right for them, and in doing so, we at least learn to live in our own skin. I suppose it doesn't happen for everyone, but it IS a very healing thing, obviously for you and for me. Just wait until she's a little older - it gets better ;-)

Posted by: Tracy at May 08, 2008 12:48 PM (sGr7w)

5 Wow! Stunning bit of writing.

Posted by: CatCat at May 08, 2008 01:25 PM (+f0nX)

6 I for one am glad you didn't wind up a statistic. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself and may the healing continue for you.

Posted by: Ernie E at May 08, 2008 01:55 PM (fRd8z)

7 Twitter = Total Time Suck I've found some very interesting people through it. Micro-blogging is what "they" call it I think. I use it to post whatever is on my brain at the time and to talk to other people who I am following. Good times! It's amazing what these little beings can help us do with our own lives. Each of my kids have taught me to discover or rediscover different aspects of myself that I thought were lost or unattainable. They can test me and push my buttons like no other, but they can also make me laugh when I didn't think I could manage to crack a smile.

Posted by: Michele at May 08, 2008 01:56 PM (h1vml)

8 This was great to read. The progress you've made is wonderful and your happiness and relief is palpable. Makes me very happy.

Posted by: Lisa at May 08, 2008 02:04 PM (EcHBm)

9 Inspiring words. I have issues with my parents, and especially with my mother, who stuck with an abusive husband because she "didn't want to screw me up by not having a father". Yeah.

Posted by: Andria at May 08, 2008 02:10 PM (Oo4k1)

10 Okay, I just got sucked into twittertopia and I find it pretty handy. (I use twitterfox in my browser-- and sometimes the SPAZ twitter client off my browser--google dem.) It's a quick way to upload random thoughts without actually blogging. (Like, "My cindy itches.") It's also an alright way to do little drivebys on your friends. And add @zappos because he's the CEO of a shoe company dude--and he gives shit away for free. As far as the BPD and the kiddo--it makes total sense to me. Nora is your do-over. She's your chance to work out that your childhood was not typical and she's your opportunity to ensure that hers *is* typical, more or less (in the vein of typical that involves being loved ridiculously). I totally get it. It falls in line with the creation myths that I was emailing you about so long ago. Think about it.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at May 08, 2008 02:57 PM (+p4Zf)

11 Working through mental illness, whatever it may be, can be completely exhausting. I've struggled with depession since I was a teenager, I can pinpoint it back to the moment the kids started teasing me relentlessly and thank goodness my mind blocked a lot of it out. It's hard though because I've always felt like a social pariah because of what I went through. At 38, I've finally gotten it under control either that or I'm more content with my life. My periods of lows are very few and far between now. It's true what they say, sometimes after the age of 30 a person is better capable of accepting who they are and it becomes easier to not allow other people influence your feelings. At least that has been my experiance. Most importantly, I'm so very glad you didn't become a statistic.

Posted by: Heidi at May 08, 2008 03:11 PM (cR5BU)

12 I think it makes perfect sense that it's Nora that brings this about in you, for the simple reason that she is a girl. Your Child Helen is a girl and as such she relates to a little girl. Whatever the cause I'm so happy to hear this for you. I know that you worry about being a good mom to them both and hopefully this progress will convince you a bit more of your ability to not repeat what you went through. This is only slightly related but the gender idea got my mind working. When I was pregnant, I think I clung desperately to the idea that I was having a boy because I was terrified to have a girl. I don't have a good relationship with my mom. We love each other, but my mother is not and never was maternal. I often joke that I raised myself. I always felt that I was a bother to her, even when I was very small. I know now that my mom has probably struggled with depression for most of her adult life but we don't talk about that and she won't admit it. My mom is not the person I go to for advice or guidance or support or sympathy. So I have no idea how to have the mother-daughter relationship I would want to have. I am scared every day that I'll do something (or not do something) to damage the bond Bridget and I have. But I think that having a girl is helping me heal some of that damage from my childhood (as minor as it is in the scheme of things) and try harder with my mom, and also be a bit more forgiving toward her. Sorry I went off on a tangent there. Your post was thought provoking, obviously :-)

Posted by: donna at May 08, 2008 03:20 PM (Yg10E)

13 I so wish my English was better- My head and my heart are full after having read this post, and though I tried at least four times, I am not able to wind my way between the words.That.Won't.Flow. So all I say is Holy Smokers... What a post. Lily

Posted by: Lily at May 08, 2008 03:36 PM (Y8m4l)

14 I did the Child Me thing in therapy too; I think it's incredibly valuable, no matter what your "disorder" is or isn't or why you went in the first place. Nobody goes into therapy with a big smile saying nothing's wrong, you know. ahahaha! And as fucked up as Freud was in some of his theories, he was right about our childhoods being the key to our crazeee. I didn't look at absorbing my Child Me as a "goal", though. Just because your Child Me ended up being close to you and not "in" you doesn't mean you "failed". Just the exercise of visualizing yourself as being little and protecting your little self with your now-Adult self is so healing. I tried to do it with Dan one time but hell, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm not a therapist, so I probably shouldn't have because he reacted quite emotionally. In fact, his outburst of emotion was quite extreme and I thought, "Holy shit, what did you do, Amber?" But you know what? When things get dark for Dan, when he becomes overwhelmed by his insecurities and fears, he's used that tool ever since and it works. It's a powerful one. And yes, motherhood is a natural healer (although it's NOT a reason to have children!). But my babies helped heal my emotional wounds too. So glad your little ones are doing that for you as well. {{{hugs}}}} Beautiful post, Helen.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 08, 2008 03:37 PM (zQE5D)

15 Although I didn't have therapy...but probably should have, I was a broken child, too. My children were my saving grace as well. Thank you for sharing this. You do it in such a totally beautiful way...

Posted by: sue at May 08, 2008 03:51 PM (WbfZD)

16 So... I don't know if you're still seeing your therapist, but this made it sound like you aren't. Fair enough, really - you've got just a teeny bit on your plate right now. Is he just on the back burner for now? None of my business, I know, but I thought I'd ask anyway.

Posted by: amy t. at May 08, 2008 04:33 PM (3dOTd)

17 Oh, and ps: I recognize those socks from your twitter icon. YAY!

Posted by: amy t. at May 08, 2008 04:34 PM (3dOTd)

18 "I know this sounds crazy. I know it sounds like I should be locked up and the key thrown away." Um... no. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable description of something the vast majority of us have never encountered. I have never had a disassociative episode but your desription makes me understand, a little, what it must feel like from the inside. And I agree that Nora is a key because she is a girl, and by actually watching a little girl grow up you can see how that is different from watching yourself grow up. I think it's marvelous.

Posted by: B. Durbin at May 08, 2008 04:41 PM (tie24)

19 That's beautiful Helen. I am so happy for you, that you are able to find this kind of healing and peace after so much trauma. I have nowhere near the same kind of background as you. But even so, I too have been feeling something lately about my daughter that I haven't yet been able to put into words. There's some connection there that's even deeper than I realized before. There's a blog post in that sometime soon, I just need to figure how how to express it in words. What's amazing to me is how, even at 7 months old, the relationship with each of them can be so unique. I love them both equal amounts (infinitely), but my feelings about each of them are unique. And already at such a young age I know that I have a different and special relationship with each of them. They each complete me in different ways.

Posted by: Carol at May 08, 2008 07:09 PM (PGzrn)

20 One thing you discover about having children: You may love them equally, but the truth is that each of them has their own individual personalities and quirks. And that uniqueness about each of them is what you love the most. That is where you are right now with Nick and Nora. Each has their own special place in your heart, and you love them all the more for their individual unique qualities. And to quote Don Henley: Sometimes I want to find my inner child and kick it's little ass. Because sometimes I think that's what's holding me back in life.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 08, 2008 07:53 PM (xOzxi)

21 I love the way you were able to express something so complicated in a way that makes so much sense. Children are your second chance at a good parent/child relationship, and you most certainly deserve it.

Posted by: sophie at May 08, 2008 09:02 PM (ZPzQL)

22 This is such a gorgeous post and such amazing thoughts. I became very emotional reading it.

Posted by: Mel at May 09, 2008 01:20 AM (ObM/P)

23 You know I love you, right? ((hugs))

Posted by: Lauren at May 09, 2008 07:30 AM (iUfJz)

24 My mother has never been diagnosed, but my aunt believes her to have BPD - only she has NOT sought help and was a horrible and abusive mother in many ways (though not all ways). Anyway, I have my own issues for sure and raising my daughter who just turned six has absolutely healed me. I re-parented myself through her - surely that is the difference between your twins - the girl represents you in your mind and she IS you in your mind on some ways. I don't think it's an unhealthy thing for you or me because we still see our daughters for themselves and don't impose our crap on them. But it is healing, absolutely to have a child. I'm happy for you.

Posted by: Bonnie at May 09, 2008 08:28 AM (JnKLH)

25 Thank you for your honest post. I wish I was as brave as you. You amaze me Helen, you really do.

Posted by: Anita at May 09, 2008 12:49 PM (pQ32H)

26 That was among the most extraordinary posts I have ever had the pleasure of reading. You are, equally, an extraordinary woman, my friend.

Posted by: rp at May 09, 2008 05:41 PM (op1yW)

27 I think once you become a mother coming from a non nurturing example of a mother that you realize as a mother what NOT to do. I was raised by my father from the time I was 6 years old seeing my mother and alcoholic step brother every other weekend. I didn't realize until my older sister brought it to light that the way our mother mothered wasn't normal nor nurturing. I have just had a baby recently and with every fiber of my being I want to protect my son from the hurt, angst and emotional neglect my mother caused me. It is something that I am just beginning to deal with now that I am a mother. I am so glad I came across your blog a few years ago. I find your writing to very insightful and helpful and humorous. As for feeling bonded with my son, it is hard to say if I am or not. I think the sleep deprivation is still controlling every aspect of my day and that I am most likely PPD. (For which I am seeking help) Thanks for the post.

Posted by: Sk at May 09, 2008 06:41 PM (Ge15a)

28 Your blogs are so heartbreakingling beautiful.

Posted by: kellyangelo at May 09, 2008 07:00 PM (rGGkh)

29 Wow, that is beautiful! We all learn so much from our children & actually learn how to be a better parent & person from them. I am glad they are helping you to heal from the past. That is really amazing! I have a teenager now & when I hear people talk about their beautiful babies I think - just wait until they are a teenager. This has actually been the most challenging time of my life & thank goodness we love them as much as we do - otherwise it wouldn't be worth all the trouble!! I am still learning & guess I always will from my boys. Enjoy those precious babies. (Hey, it made me think maybe that is why you have 2 babies. They are a double blessing to you! They can help you finally join the real you & the actor you.)

Posted by: Cindy at May 10, 2008 06:26 PM (ER58c)

30 This is an amazing post. I wish I could put into words how I felt reading it. I just joined twitter as well and not really sure what's going on with it either. *LOL* I'm katybaty on there.

Posted by: Katy at May 11, 2008 07:33 PM (D1v+a)

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