So we're home now.

We're home, the place looks like it's been bombed with the innards of a Samsonite factory, the cat rebelled and punctured the place with attractive hairballs (now rectified, because while I can tolerate baby spit-up cat stomach acid is not ok), I've got eleven billion things to do, Nick and Nora both have stonking colds, and I am so jet lagged that I can't remember my name. Starts with an H, I think. Or maybe not. Add to the fact that we just had what will go down in history as Flight Day From Hell (and if your first instinct is to type up a lecture in my comments about how I shouldn't be flying with infants then I'd urge you to rethink that one. I'm not in the mood to be patronized, and I've a rabbit punch ready for the first person who goes there) and I'm ready to open the bottle.

Actually, that's a good idea.

The flights were hell. Hell hell hell hell. The planes were packed, ergo no upgrade (a tip, as well, if you're interested - always bring the flight crew a treat, like a box of chocolates, or some shortbreads, or something wrapped and storebought. My stepmother told me about this, that if you bring the flight crew something they always tear into it. They also always remember you, and if they can they'll upgrade you, and if they can't they'll bring you lots of goodies. And sure enough, she was right. We got upgraded the first flight and got loads of attention the second flight. Worth it, even if you feel like a dick handing over a box of chocolates to a flight attendant, which you will.) Angus, Jeff and Nick sat on one side of the plane with a bassinette and Melissa, Nora and I took the other side with our bassinette. We even administered Calpol Night (like Baby Tylenol, with an aid to help them sleep.)

The babies took one look at the bassinettes and the Calpol and gave us the three month equivalent of "You and your plans, you can go fuck off, lady."

To be fair, they didn't cry much, they just whined a lot, wanted to be held, wanted feeding every 20 seconds, and generally made peeing difficult, although it was a challenge I met - yes I can pee in an airplane lavatory while holding a baby. I don't recommend it, but I can do it.

Of course we were sat next to every toddler on the plane who planned meetings right by our seats, whereby the usual toddler-to-toddler greeting wasn't "Hello, and welcome to our mini-UN". Oh no, the toddler-to-toddler greeting was more like "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" in tones that only dogs hear.

Dogs, and Nick and Nora, who have proven that while they can tolerate each other screaming next to them, they can differentiate between each other screaming and other babies screaming, and the other babies? Not so popular.

An interesting perk of the flight involved another mother of a baby close to the same age as mine (but her baby was huge! My short bus babies and I were embarrassed!). Said mother packed everything and was ready to go...the only problem being she packed her child's bottles and formula in the cargo hold. We could've delayed the flight an hour while baggage handlers struggled to find her bag, or I could share Nick and Nora's formula. Luckily I packed for America and my anal retentiveness paid off, and I had formula to spare. Cue even more gratitude from the flight crew, and we got all kinds of goodies, including Starbucks gift cards and free air miles. I would've given her the formula for no rewards, actually, but I'm not going to say no to Starbucks gift cards.

Our last flight, though, was the worst. Nick decided he'd had enough and simply screamed his way from Amsterdam to London. The hatred of our fellow passengers on the plane was palpable. I've never been so glad to get home in my life. And, of course, once home both babies were smiles, laughter and light, but we were so tired we put them and us to bed for a bit.

The visit was good - more details later, but all in all it was lovely. My family is very, very thoughtful and hideously in love with the twins. Whistler was incredible and we were in the world's greatest condo, a massive place that was skin-in/ski-out right onto the downhill slope they're going to use in the Olympics in two years. The skiing was fabulous and the easy-going nights by the fire with the family were welcome.

I am glad to be home, though. It's nice to have my things and my routines. It was also not always easy - as the middle person, I often felt I was getting pulled in too many directions: "Helen, can you have a word with so-and-so about such-and-such?" "Helen, please tell X that doing Y makes Z unhappy." "Helen, why doesn't whosit do whatsit?" Add that to the fact that my stepmother is meticulous and, well, we have four kids and I felt I was always trying to apologize and tidy up (she never had a go at me for being untidy with the kids' things, it's just the way I felt) and it was something to keep me going. But it's just a matter of convergence - blending my family with Angus' kids was bound to be a bit bumpy, and all in all it went pretty well.

Perhaps the worst day was yesterday, though. I was put in the middle again, the babies were furious about god knows what, and my stepmother pointed out that the back of my hair was crunchy. Like it was stuck together with baby vomit or something. Which, naturally and inexplicably, it was. And as we were trying to get going my dad started in on his familiar tome - "Helen, you need some exercise."

Right Dad. I'll get right on that, along with the great American novel and my quest for Inca gold. You know, cause I have so much spare time and all.

"No really, Helen. You need to get in shape."

"Jesus, Dad, I gave birth to TWINS three months ago!"

"Exactly. It's been three months, you should have lost the weight."

"I DID lose the weight! I even dropped two sizes! I just haven't been able to address my attractive spare stomach skin!"

"Well you need to fix that!" And then His Lycraness goes out for a run, leaving a flabby me to wonder where the alcohol is kept. I love my dad masses, but sometimes I want to remind him that sensitivity, it's a healthy commodity.

But I'm home now, and me and my wobbly stomach are going to bust into a curry before dieting begins on Monday.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:22 PM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
Post contains 1162 words, total size 6 kb.

1 I'm so glad you're back! Isn't it funny that I think of you as being closer now even though you were closer in miles a day or so ago? Ha. Sorry to hear about the rough flights but glad to hear you survived it all. Thoughtfulness is an acquired skill, I think, and some people just aren't good at it (or it doesn't occur to them to develop the skill for the benefit of those around them). The middle is an awkward place for a people-pleaser to be but we always seem to find ourselves exactly there. You remind me of myself so much sometimes it's kind of scary. Dropping two sizes three months after giving birth is enough to piss a lot of women off so don't sweat the words of a man, even if he is your beloved father. :-D Glad you had a good trip; gladder that you're back.

Posted by: Lisa at January 11, 2008 08:46 PM (EcHBm)

2 welcome home

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at January 11, 2008 08:48 PM (+MvHD)

3 Welcome home. Glad you made it back safe and sound. It is always nice to come back to your own place, even after the best of visits. And that flab? I don't think it ever truly goes away. Having a c-section means they cut through muscles (doh!), and even in the best of scenarios I don't think it ever heals the same. Of course, that is not to say you can never have a flat stomach again; I mean you are a woman who dropped two sizes in three months.

Posted by: Teresa at January 11, 2008 09:21 PM (Us3Am)

4 Glad you and your family got home safe and sound and that you all had a good Holiday. Take Care

Posted by: raul at January 11, 2008 09:56 PM (lxc1h)

5 Oh dear, sounds like the flights were hell on earth. (((hugs))) It can't have been fun.

Posted by: Veronica (Sleepless Nights) at January 11, 2008 09:58 PM (3YrlS)

6 I missed you!!!

Posted by: BeachGirl at January 11, 2008 10:22 PM (RgeoX)

7 Glad you all made it home in one piece! You dad and mine must have gone through the same sensitivity training. One sounds just as bad as the other.

Posted by: Kristen at January 11, 2008 10:28 PM (KKPnr)

8 Amazing as always...what a feat you accomplished!! The lady with the baby will always remember Helen Who Saved the Day!

Posted by: Steff at January 11, 2008 10:44 PM (dicdr)

9 You shouldn't fly with babies! *poke* Now, now...you know I am teasing. ;-P Glad you are home! And tell your dad that I still have my loose skin from my babies and it's been 29 years now. The only way to "tighten" up my skin is to take a knife to it and that ain't happening. I have come to terms with my stomach skin, I even have a name for it... Nah. Kidding about the name part. But I have come to terms with it. It was either have babies and have loose skin on my stomach or not have babies. I don't DO elective surgery for something that so many people have naturally. So THERE! Tell him THAT!

Posted by: The other Amber at January 11, 2008 10:47 PM (zQE5D)

10 My mom had three C-sections, one for each of us. On the second one, her doctor gave her a tummy tuck when he stitched her back up. Even so, and even though she weighs 125 lbs and wears a US size 6, she still has some of that paunch left. Short of further surgery, I don't think it will ever go away. So, in other words, your dad needs to get new sensitivity training pronto. Don't worry about it, dear; it's all part of the process, and you have two wonderful darlings to thank for it.

Posted by: Meredith at January 11, 2008 10:47 PM (IRd4d)

11 I don't know why men can't figure out that our weight is not to be discussed. I gues it's a defect on the Y chromosome. I'm glad you are back safe and sound--even more glad you had a good visit with everyone.

Posted by: sophie at January 12, 2008 12:02 AM (AY+fk)

12 Do your dad and mr. kenju have that in common - the "no filter" - where every thought has to be uttered? Dang, they need to be taught a lesson, don't they? LOL Welcome home and welcome back here. I am looking forward to hearing more about it.

Posted by: kenju at January 12, 2008 12:29 AM (yvCMb)

13 welcome home. get some sleep. glad you're all back in one piece. bunches of hugs!

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 12, 2008 01:07 AM (IfXtw)

14 Man, your dad would be like, "you had a baby a year ago? Why the hell are you still so fat?" And I can't believe you traveled with babies. How dare you. HOW DARE YOU!!! Seriously, 14 hours on a plane, is bound to cause a rift with babies. I've been trying to plan a trip to see Kathy, and I'm scared of doing it now that he's older. I mean, I can only keep him quiet with Elmo and his beloved Rachel for so long before he loses his shit completely. He'll probably pull a move a la Stewie: "For the next four hours, you're my bitch."

Posted by: statia at January 12, 2008 01:19 AM (lHsKN)

15 Your dad does know about that thing called skin elasticity...how it only goes to a certain point and sometimes won't go back the way it was???

Posted by: Dotty at January 12, 2008 01:53 AM (KJE2B)

16 I am glad you are home safe and sound where you belong. What an awful flight that was and you must be so exhausted! I hope you will be able to get lots of rest over the next few days. By the way, didn't you know? It is always harder to be the Mom than it is to be the Dad?

Posted by: Irene at January 12, 2008 02:24 AM (RL+iu)

17 The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy says that three months ain't enough. It says it takes an average of nine months (yup, NINE) to get your bod back, no matter how hard you try. Go ahead and try but don't stress about it if your tummy is reluctant. It had a lot to do in eight months and wants a rest.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 12, 2008 02:36 AM (tie24)

18 you're kidding about the diet, right? it's not about losing weight, surely, it's about getting your abs back. Please tell me you're kidding about the dieting?

Posted by: thalia at January 12, 2008 04:18 AM (wGBzp)

19 I think you should give yourself a break. Losing baby weight from twins (much less a singleton) in 3 months is awesome. You rock. No question.

Posted by: trainy at January 12, 2008 04:31 AM (vd8uz)

20 Welcome home!

Posted by: Poppy at January 12, 2008 05:10 AM (k5BaA)

21 I think I now have new patience for parents traveling with small children, thanks to your post. Welcome back!

Posted by: Hannah at January 12, 2008 11:10 AM (lUH62)

22 Dear Helen, welcome back! Just reading your account of the trip, capped off with that awful comment by your father, made me want to reach for the bottle, but I don't seem to have any handy. Got any spare ones you could help me out with? "Don't travel with babies?" How's that supposed to work?! Kudos to you for managing the lavatory trick -- I briefly considered it but chickened out. Please don't diet, my dear. You're beautiful. Oh, and... I finally broke down and got a Googlemail account, so I can finally comment with a non-"questionable" address...

Posted by: Kath at January 12, 2008 11:42 AM (bC0nh)

23 Oh my G-d I never realized we were sisters. My dad does the same thing! At those times I always want to point out his bald spot but I lack the courage. Maybe you can and I will back you up;-D See you at the next family gathering. Can I hold the babies??

Posted by: dee at January 12, 2008 01:31 PM (E2MKw)

24 Glad you're home safe and sound and that you had a good time. Sounds like you did and that the family melded well. So pleased all went well on the hold. Hope you get settled back in to your routine quickly and looking forward to hearing about your trip.

Posted by: suzie at January 12, 2008 09:29 PM (tFg0M)

25 Welcome home! There really is no place like it. Kisses to the babies!

Posted by: Stella at January 13, 2008 12:29 AM (sFS+Z)

26 glad you had a good time and glad to have you back! abs x

Posted by: abs at January 13, 2008 07:25 PM (SaQJ8)

27 Um, I do believe I've seen pics of you in the altogether on your flickr. I can't say that your weight is ANYTHING for you to worry about (and you do have lots to worry about.) Man, and I thought my family was insensitive.

Posted by: Tracy at January 14, 2008 01:41 AM (0rzA0)

28 Um...*cough* You do NOT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. Just sayin.

Posted by: Margi at January 14, 2008 09:48 PM (2B+B7)

Hide Comments | Add Comment