Nora and I packed up and went to the doctor's office yesterday morning after changing our 7 millionth foul diaper. I had taken a shower that morning but, like the scent of lilacs on the breeze or fish and chips in the salty pier air, I carried with me the delicate and fragile aroma of my favorite lotion (bought before I got knocked up) and eau de baby feces, a most remarkable and delectable scent. Nora was in a most miserable mood but I know when I have a fever and projectile pooping I'm not such a happy camper, either.

Our appointment was at 11 with a new doctor. The receptionist asked if we minded seeing a last year medical student who was working temporarily at our surgery, and since Nora wasn't needing a kidney trasnplant or a spinal tap
, I figured there would be no harm in that. We waited in the waiting room with 5 other people, all of them older than death and all of whom expressed great displeasure at a sqwaking baby impeding on their time spent reading 6 year old National Geographics. When Nora's name was called we made our way to the office of our med student, whom I'll call Dr. Yearling.

I opened the door.

Holy-Jesus-Jospeh-Psychadelic-Mr-Shagging-Potato-Head.

Dr. Yearling was hot.

I mean...hot. Hot, in that "I'm going to use italics for emphasis" kind of way, which I almost never do unless using it to illustrate thought as otherwise it's a cheap ploy, I tell you, a ploy! Dr. Yearling makes Dr. McDreamy look like a 17 year-old with acne and stupid hair.

"Mrs. Nora Crumplebottom?" he asks, in a smooth as caramel voice using Angus' last name.

Nora chooses that instant to break the soundbarrier with screaming.

"No, I'm Adelaide. Ms. Adelaide, actually. This is Nora Crumplebottom." I say, gesturing towards Nora, who is turning the color of a beet. "I'm not married," I add for reasons I can't understand, apparenlty finding value in pointing out that I'm single, I'm just a ho who gives birth to illegitimate children. "Er, Nora's feeling very poorly."

"Oh poor girl," he says kindly, looking at her. "She's absolutely gorgeous."

So are you, I think. (There's those italics.)

"What's wrong with Nora?" he asks, as we sit by his desk. She takes that moment to remind me that she's nestled in my arms and pukes all over the sleeve of my coat, inserting that minty fresh stomach acid smell into the room.

What's wrong with her? She can shit through the eye of a needle. "She's not well, she's had a fever and really severe diarrhea," I answer, taking a burp cloth out of my diaper bag and wiping us down as best we could.

He reaches over and feels her fontanelle. "She smells lovely." he says nicely. She should do, her diapers had been so explosive she'd already been bathed 4 times in a 12 hour period. "Was she up a lot during the night?"

"We were up about 3 or 4 times, yes, changing nappies and administering Calpol."

"You must be tired."

Yes. Yes I am. Hold me. "A bit, but I'm more worried about her."

"Rightfully so, she's very little and dehydration could cause severe issues for such a wee one."

Christ you're cute, I think. I want to take you home, slap a tulle tutu on you and park you in a music box.

Nora farts. I feel embarrassed while also hoping he doesn't think it was me sneaking one out. I check his face and he's grinning at Nora, so it looks like the appropriate blame has been laid.

"Has she been going through a large number of nappies?"

Let's just say that all those protests I used to join in college against Kimberly Clark's polluting and environmental destruction? Those ones? Yeah. I'm a big, fat hypocrite. "She really has, it's almost constant." Meet my kid, Lady Chapped Ass.

He takes a detailed history of how she is doing and how she was. He is very, very thorough and very kind, often reaching over to tickle her chin or try to hold her hand. He honestly seemed keen on her, and I had fantasies of shacking up with him, Nick and Nora. We could live in a big house with a grand sweeping staircase. He and I would curl up over a morning crossaint, him looking lovingly into my eyes and telling me that he's so grateful Nora went through 30 diapers in a 24 hour period, as otherwise we never would've met. Dr. Yearling might beg for more children, and we'd bcome like the Waltons only with IVF. Goodnight John Boy! Goodnight Blastocyst!

I shake my head. What am I doing? My daughter isn't feeling well. My daughter, who right now is grinning at Dr. Yearling and making me feel like an over-protective first time mother. I'm the worst mother in the world. Here I am thinking of taking Dr. Yearling home and teaching him bedroom hijinks that not even Mrs. Robinson would know and my little girl has just spent the past 24 hours pooping for England. I could win the Worst Mother of the Year Award. I'd walk on stage and pick up the golden diaper trophy to the accompaniment of boos and hisses from the PTA. I'd wave, tears in my eyes. "I'd like to thank the Academy, as well as my anti-depressants for robbing me of my sex drive just enough that I didn't throw our family doctor down and ride him like a rodeo pony! Thank you so much!"

Dr. Yearling gently listens to Nora's tummy. Nora smiles. Then we hear the sound of what sounds like whipped cream shooting out of a canister, then a heavy thud, not unlike a meringue pie smacking into a clown's face. This is immediately followed by a smell that would prompt a Hazmat team into action. Dr. Yearling and I stand and he hastily leads me to a baby changing room. He holds the door open for me. I shut the door then change Nora and head back to his office, aware that both Nora and I smell like we'd been to a Bodily Fluids Gone Wrong party and brought home all the sample sizes.

Nora is diagnosed with viral gastro-enteritis, which will pass on its own but she needs to be kept hydrated to avoid getting sicker. He writes a prescription for some electrolyte sachets that we're too pick up from the chemist.

"Looks like Nora's lunch will be a bottle of water with some electrolytes! Hope you're having something nicer," he adds kindly.

My lunch will be a grilled cheese sandwich, I think. But if you want to come home with me, I'll make you a sandwich too, the special way, where I add Doritos in it before I eat it. I only do that for people I really fancy, that Dorito shtick is my secret weapon. You'll love it.

I'm so fucking posh.

"Not really," I say, smiling. I cannot tell him about my lunch, social services will take my babies away from me.

I thank the doctor for his time, not mentioning that I've done some rough math and think the baby changing table is strong enough to hold the weight of both of us, and I take Nora home.

I call Angus up when I get home.

"How's our girl?" he asks.

"She has gastro-enteritis," I say. "She'll be ok though, and she's sitting here on my lap napping now."

"So all ok at the doctor's?"

"Oh yes. We saw a new doctor, a Dr. Yearling, who is only working here for a few months. He's hot. Seriously hot. I couldn't believe it."

"Blimey, I had no idea we had a new doctor," he said amiably. "So how's your chances with the new hot doc?"

"I smelled like feces and baby vomit."

I can hear the laughter in his voice. "Chances not good then?"

"No, chances not good."

My perfect little Nora is feeling much, much better today.

As for me, I've resolved to keep seeing our usual GP, a man in his late 50's who is very kind but about as attractive as a badger.

-H.

PS-comments have been screwed up for a bit, so if you're having a problem commenting then shoot me an email and I'll try to figure out what's going on. The server has been getting attacked a lot, and I was innundated with comment spam the other day. Hopefully it's getting better now.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:21 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
Post contains 1438 words, total size 8 kb.

1 You're a hoot - I felt like I was right there in this scene. Glad to hear Nora's on the mend, and I hope your immune system is holding up, too. Thanks for making me smile.

Posted by: margaret at March 06, 2008 12:58 PM (gJjsl)

2 I recently found your blog and have been laughing ever since. I live in America but my mother was German and I have close friends who are British so it makes it all the more appealing. I always leave your site in a better mood than when I came to it!! Thanks for sharing your life. . .

Posted by: Jenny at March 06, 2008 01:01 PM (1Tkf7)

3 *lol*

Posted by: ~Easy at March 06, 2008 01:40 PM (IVGWz)

4 Oohh hot doc....nice. Bet you managed to cough into your hand, take your engagement ring off with your teeth all whilst balancing poopy pants in the other hand. "Ring? what ring? me...I am single Dr Yearling"

Posted by: Becks at March 06, 2008 02:06 PM (RNDh8)

5 Attractive as a badger.... love it. Our doctor is so not hot and I think I prefer it that way. Only one time, I was in the midst of a full-on melt down about Bridget's lack of weight gain when our not-hot doctor had a very hot resident with him. Bridget charmed the resident by smiling and cooing and grabbing his stethoscope while I freaked out in hushed tones to our doctor. Worked fine.

Posted by: donna at March 06, 2008 02:18 PM (TzLxV)

6 Attractive as a badger.... love it. Our doctor is so not hot and I think I prefer it that way. Only one time, I was in the midst of a full-on melt down about Bridget's lack of weight gain when our not-hot doctor had a very hot resident with him. Bridget charmed the resident by smiling and cooing and grabbing his stethoscope while I freaked out in hushed tones to our doctor. Worked fine. I hope Mrs. Crumplebottom is feeling back to her old self very soon.

Posted by: donna at March 06, 2008 02:18 PM (TzLxV)

7 I hate having hot doctors. Because half the time I don't do my hair, and the Mini uses that time to conveniently smell like poo.

Posted by: statia at March 06, 2008 02:36 PM (lHsKN)

8 Ohmygod I giggled my way through this whole post, from Crumplebottom to the sturdiness of the changing table to the memory of what McDreamy used to look like when he played the special order pizza delivery geek. Hahahaha! Right down to Angus asking about your chances with the new hot doc. Heeheehee! Hoping Lady Chapped Ass is feeling much better today.

Posted by: Lisa at March 06, 2008 02:48 PM (EcHBm)

9 Oh, thanks for the laughs. I'm subsisting on two hours of sleep and I need to read funny posts and think of amazingly hot doctors. The ped that diagnosed P's heart murmur was beyond hot too, and it kinda sorta made me glaze over the bad news. Is that wrong?

Posted by: MsPrufrock at March 06, 2008 03:13 PM (Lorry)

10 This was good for a few laughs and many chuckles! I am glad to know that Nora is better, but how about her mom? Are you still having fantasies about Dr. Yearling?

Posted by: kenju at March 06, 2008 03:18 PM (yvCMb)

11 @ MsPruFrock-can't be any weirder than me finding my anesthesiologist hot. The one doing the epidural and anesthesia for my C-section, that is, the one who watched over the curtain and gave me a play-by-play of what was happening and made placenta jokes with me. I found him very hot, and it's not like I could say "Come here often?".

Posted by: Helen at March 06, 2008 03:26 PM (Ke72s)

12 Such a great story. I hope little Nora is feeling much better soon. Wonderful to hear how well Angus takes everything in stride and knows you so well. Christopher

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at March 06, 2008 04:39 PM (bB3uL)

13 LOL I was having teeth issues and went to a new dentist. I was expecting some old man to come in but instead was met with a really attractive guy who was my age. I told my husband all about it when I was done and he teased me about doing nasty things in a dentist chair. I would've been all for it had it not been for his teeth that were so white that I was sure they could glow in the dark. He's set to see this same dentist next week. I've warned him not to stare directly at his teeth if he wants to maintain his eye sight. I hope the little princess is feeling better. Those gastro-illnesses can be the worst to deal with.

Posted by: Michele at March 06, 2008 06:04 PM (h1vml)

14 So Nora's smile while on your lap means "lock and load, weapons free, FIRE!" Have to remember that. Want to clear your way through a dense crowd quickly? Just exclaim out loud, "Oh no, my baby has diarrhea". People will be diving in front of trains to get out of your way. At least, I would. (walks away, humming "The Diarrhea Song" (Yeah, THAT song). Seriously now, glad to hear it's nothing serious and that the shit will pass soon. Please don't hurt me over shitty puns (damn, gotta stop that). And don't be so hard on yourself, a bad mother would just leave their baby in a crappy diaper. You're WAY better than that.

Posted by: diamond dave at March 06, 2008 09:30 PM (nzseS)

15 I don't know if it's available in the UK, but I used to give my children Gator-Aide when they had pukey, squirty intestinal disorders. It was flavored water chock full of electrolytes. Also, less than half the price of Pedialyte. My children were a bit older than Nora, but it sounds like you're giving them the same type of stuff. It'll get better soon.

Posted by: physics geek at March 06, 2008 09:41 PM (MT22W)

16 Very, very funny. Thanks for making me laugh. Oh -- and I, too, love pretty much evertyhing from Molton Brown (like your lotion) . . . but the shipping to the US is so outrageous . . . my hubby but the halt on my ordering more because we have other things to spend money on . . . like food and diapers

Posted by: Heather at March 07, 2008 01:32 AM (Bav+w)

17 Thanks so much for the lift in my day! This is the cutest post. Thank you, thank you for sharing your wonderful writing talent and your life with us. I hope Nora feels much better very soon and that you are able to get some rest. Take care

Posted by: Evelyn at March 07, 2008 02:58 AM (AiJXe)

18 Your killing me this morning. I had a DR Mc Dreamy in the ER myself yesterday. Having the BF sitting there while he probed around my chest area? I wanted to tell the BF to leave lol.

Posted by: justme at March 07, 2008 12:33 PM (KdK+A)

19 The only SERIOUSLY HOT doctor I ever had was the doctor who did my Very First Surgery (With Hospital Stay Included)! He was hot in a way that I had little fantasies in the exam room all the while grilling him on "How many of these have you done?" Yes, yes. He was the Chief of Urology. GOD. Most. Embarrassing. Vist. Ever.

Posted by: Margi at March 09, 2008 06:21 PM (nI/9c)

20 I'm imagining a doctor that looks a lot like Karl, the guy Laura Linney's character was in love with in Love, Actually.

Posted by: Robert at March 11, 2008 08:23 AM (vsMzD)

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