In November 2006 I tired of rocket riding gerbils. There's only so long you wanna' work with those little fuckers, it was past time to move on. I needed something new, I needed to get away from the 18 hour days, the endless phone conferences and emails, the hassle, the hell. At points in that project I was on three different calls at once, trying to juggle my project and my sanity.
I leapt to another project, one that the manager had stroked my ego for me to join.
I had gotten cocky, see. I had launched the rocket riding gerbil. I had worked like a dog - not without thanks, I should add - and managed to pull something off that I never thought I could. Of course I could take on another project, one that was in the shit, one that was top priority.
Only I couldn't. I started in November 2006. By end December 2006 I had realized I'd backed myself straight into a political nightmare. I was put into this new project as a puppet, as someone to be tightly controlled by an alpha female so dominant she made me look like Lady from Lady and the Tramp. She and I locked horns, and no matter how determined I was to continue driving my project, I started to flounder against her.
By January the depression had set in. I decided to check my brain at the door as we headed into our IVF round. I struggled along in the worst project I had ever come across, one in which I bashed my head against a brick wall every single day. The politics were killing me, I felt like I was drowning.
By the time the IVF cycle had worked, I had enough of bashing my head. The alpha female finally took her spiked heel and kicked it in my ass, pushing me over the side of the cliff. I checked out of the project, damaging my reputation and my psyche.
I moved on to two much lower profile projects. I ran them quietly and unassumingly. I got no notice, I went about my work, I just wanted to get my head back together after the unbelievable hell that last project had been. I was hopeful by the time I came back from maternity leave that I would have my soul back, and have the chance to work on hot exciting things.
It was not to be.
I wonder if other women go through this. Go back to work to find that it's all the same but different. Same projects, different people. Different projects, same people. All of whom have something to do and you hang out on the side and wait. And wait. And get asked about your kids. And feel marginalized but you don't know why you feel that way. No one has specifically said to me "Well, you went and had kids, didn't you? You made a choice. Suck it up." But I feel like that's the impetus of what's happening. I got pregnant and had children. I had self-abnegation while pregnant, and company abnegation when not.
My industry is like Hollywood, only without the lights, glamour, pay, and excitement. So nothing at all like Hollywood, really. In my industry you're only as good as the last project you delivered. My rocket riding gerbil had put me at the top of my stack. Everything after that had me tumbling down a hill littered with mobile phones.
My self-esteem was rock bottom. I was being winged from one project to another, not due to me but because of department re-organizations, although in the back of my mind I wondered if it was because I had failed at something. I couldn't even get my feet under desks before I was off on something new. I was getting desperate. I was very depressed about work, something I haven't been blogging about, and Angus was trying to prop me up enough to keep me holding on. I was going nowhere, and I was going to be staying that way.
Finally, a lifeline.
Someone approached me and asked me if I would be interested in something different. No more gerbils. No more rockets. Instead of working with anything I have ever worked with before in my 10 years in telecoms, I would be working on something new to me.
Would I be interested in working with those little plastic birds that swing and pretend to drink?
"We've heard you're good," they replied. "You'll learn."
Angus smiled at me. "You'll be good at this. It'll be good to go into a new area, get out from your management structure and prove how good you are. They can't take credit for your work any more, and you're good."
"I'm not good," I replied fearfully. "I blew that project last year."
"That project still hasn't launched. It didn't stand a chance with or without you."
"But I still feel like I should've done better than I did. I fucked up."
"Maybe so. Then this is your chance to prove that you can do a good job," Angus said simply.
I took a deep breath.
I punched out an email.
I took the job.
I've switched departments and now am showered with masses of plastic bird details. I'm getting dug in. I'm freaked out and insecure but trying to remain calm and just approach a project the way it's supposed to be done. It's a whole new world, but one that doesn't know me from before - it doesn't know my failures, it doesn't know that I'm a mother (and I don't need them to know that, I don't want to be judged and that is how this industry works I'm afraid). I can just try. And this time, if I fuck up I'll learn it's because I can't do it.
But if I succeed, I'll learn it's because I can.
This is perhaps where I should learn to recite the mantra "There is no try. There is only do." I'll do mine without the Yoda voice though.
-H.
PS-sorry for being cryptic. My work does actually have a personal blogging policy, which is "knock yourself out, just don't talk about our company strategy or give out secrets". It's unethical to even consider doing so to me, but I still would rather keep details to myself.
1
I love those birds!! If anyone can do this, you can.
(I totally understand about being cryptic.)
Posted by: ~Easy at May 21, 2008 10:55 AM (XD24A)
2
You can do it - they already know that - that is why you have been asked to do it.
I have every faith - not that that means anything!
Good luck, we are all cheering you on as ever.
Abs x
Posted by: abs at May 21, 2008 11:14 AM (+gJH8)
3
I am glad you have a project that inspires you. I worried when it seemed like you had been mommy tracked when you returned from maternity leave. It is a horrible and demeaning thing for bright and articulate women.
Posted by: Melissia at May 21, 2008 11:42 AM (mJWbf)
Posted by: Veronica at May 21, 2008 12:46 PM (YDLIU)
5
I love those drinking birds, I remember being fascinated with them as a kid, lol!
You'll do fine, don't worry, you've done everything else you've set your mind to, (except for one thing, that was doomed from the start it seems, you probably kept it afloat alot longer than it deserved), and put in way more of your time than they deserved.
Posted by: Donna at May 21, 2008 12:51 PM (Hhu42)
6
who doesn't love a drinking bird? seriously though, good on ya! Best of luck...I'm sure you're gonna kick some telecom ass!
I'm cryptic about work too...no worries
Posted by: wn at May 21, 2008 12:57 PM (Ou4lV)
7
You know, I think it's universal that women who rise to any executive or semi-executive level feel the need to squash any others who even try. I have not yet worked with a single female exec who I would not cetegorize as a raging bitch with rampant, non-stop PMS. I don't get it. I would hope, if I ever made it to that level, that there was a way to do it without turning into that.
As far as the job - I know it's hard, because I love successes too - but sometimes the failures are as important (in what you learn from them) as the successes. I just quit my job. I quit, because the last project I was on was complete shit (too many french people), and it got to the point where it was no longer worth it - it was too hard on my family, too hard on me - and the project was doomed to fail with or without me. So now it will fail without me, but with lots and lots of documentation and emails of me saying "Hey - you need to do X, Y, and Z, or this is going to fail." and my management then totally ignoring me!
i think it's good to try new things sometimes. I'm trying cooking at home, and parenting. In a few months, I'll look again for another job. Something new. Any openings in the plastic bird business? ;-)
Posted by: Tracy at May 21, 2008 01:06 PM (jfil0)
8
I would prefer sewing door mats to the things I have to do now- so cheers to drinking birds, where ever you may find them.
good luck,
Lily
Posted by: Lily at May 21, 2008 02:24 PM (WOW2K)
9
Remember when Homer gets obese so he can work at home and then lets the drinking bird do all his work? Which leads to a near nuclear meltdown of Springfield?
Best. Episode. Ever.
"Press any key."
"Which one is the 'any' key?!?"
Good luck babe-I am pulling for you.
Posted by: Teresa at May 21, 2008 02:27 PM (sfK2J)
10
I totally support you not saying what you do or where you work; I agree with your reasoning, you don't have to justify it.
Good luck with bird project!
Posted by: The other Amber at May 21, 2008 02:43 PM (zQE5D)
11
Which is more important? Being a successful parent or being a successful bird builder? I say "parent" because this applies to men too. I could be making a lot more money in a higher profile job with more responsibility, and maybe I'd be considered more of a success. I'm probably underachieving professionally.
But while my children are young, I choose to dedicate the
maximum amount of time to them...especially during the formative years (1-7). There are 24 hours in each day; that's a fact. The more time a job takes, the less time the family gets. At the end of my life, I would much rather be considered a wildly successful father & husband than programmer.
Who cares if people see you as a mom? You ARE a mom!! You should revel in that, not hide it.
Posted by: Solomon at May 21, 2008 03:05 PM (x+GoF)
12
And NOW you know why I checked out of Corporate World a while back -
To take shit from women because of my Mommy Choices AND take shit from Corporate Broads about my Work Choices sounded so much like the seventh circle of hell, I sold myself short (read: stopped with the education thing and started being a typing monkey) and got the hell out.
And you know what? I have a high level of professionalism AND I'm able to be home for my kiddo.
That's MY world.
As for you?
You'll kick THE PLASTIC DRINKING BIRD'S ASS!
Seriously. You CAN do it. (and for me, I hear a Romanian accent when I say that - because you know the Romanian Gymnastics Program kicks ass, too.)
You can dooo eeet!
Posted by: Margi at May 21, 2008 05:21 PM (M2NT5)
13
I love the beginning of a new and interesting project, even if it is kind of daunting.
Good luck. I know will soon be master of the drinking bird and all its secrets!
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 21, 2008 05:24 PM (IfXtw)
14
I always liked those little birds that bop over and take a bow or a drink or whatever it is they're doing. Only good things can come from them
Posted by: cursingmama at May 21, 2008 05:32 PM (PoQfr)
15
I will offer hearty congratulations. I've been in soul-sucking jobs before and moving on is a good thing, even when it's brand new. After a decade in IT I switched to engineering, something completely new to me, although I had been schooled in it some ::coughmanycough:: years before. When I was offered the job, I said "You do realize that I've never done this, right?" I received the same response you did: "You're obviously bright. We know you'll do fine."
So far, so good. Two years into a brand new career and I still like my job. I'm probably the oldest junior engineer in the company, but the company has been happy with my work and I work with some really good people.
I know you'll do great in your new gig. Just be you and everything will turn out fine.
Posted by: physics geek at May 21, 2008 05:50 PM (MT22W)
16
Solomon's response is perfect.
Posted by: Angela at May 21, 2008 05:53 PM (DGWM7)
17
I'd give my usually unsolicited advice again, but it looks like Solomon beat me to it. So I'll just take a number and stand in line.
Seriously, though - ever thought that maybe your success should be measured more as a mother to Nick and Nora than how well you can design drinking plastic birds? That maybe the job should only be a means to an end, and the real end should be raising your babies? Twenty years from now, hardly anybody will remember or care about your workplace achievements, but everyone that matters will care about how well you raised your kids. Particularly the kids themselves.
Posted by: diamond dave at May 21, 2008 08:25 PM (K3LYx)
18
god, sounds exactly like my job. you don't by any chance work in advertising for a tech company, do you? that would be too surreal.
Posted by: Carol at May 21, 2008 08:39 PM (PGzrn)
19
Congratulations - and good for you for taking that bull by the horns. I have no fear that you will succeed if you want to.
Posted by: kenju at May 21, 2008 11:51 PM (yvCMb)
20
I do have one question.
Why can't Helen be a kick ass plastic bird project leader AND a kick ass mom? Why does it seem that a woman has to choose to be either one or the other?
Just sayin'...
Posted by: Teresa at May 22, 2008 01:17 AM (sfK2J)
21
I have to double comment and say that there is no reason that Helen can't be a great mom and a great dipping bird innovator. They do need updating as they are so 1970's. I can't wait to see what she comes up with!
Posted by: Melissia at May 22, 2008 02:07 AM (mJWbf)
22
I work my butt off because I don't have a family to pour it into. Or maybe I work my butt off because now is the time for me to achieve and get all of my corporate acknowledgment/accolades before I make any significant changes in my life to accommodate someone other than myself. I dunno. I don't see why there has to be a choice, but I like to think of it as you move from one phase, where you are one person, into another phase, where you are a better-rounded version of that person. Companies' needs change, and so do ours.
Posted by: dawn at May 22, 2008 03:16 AM (cADtK)
Posted by: Lauren at May 22, 2008 07:47 AM (OnF6i)
24
I think you are doing a fantastic job balancing work and family. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Posted by: TNC at May 23, 2008 12:58 PM (s31/e)
25
"I know how I am as a mother. I know how I am as a project manager. And I can honestly say that one has nothing to do with the other."
But they do have something to do with each other--they are both being done well.....by you.
Posted by: Donna at May 23, 2008 03:15 PM (Hhu42)
26
Been there, done that. Glad you appear to have a new exciting challenge. You'll do great. We have every confidence in you!
Posted by: sue at May 23, 2008 07:20 PM (WbfZD)
27
Amazing comments. Most I support. A few are way way off base.
My ex-wife is also a physician, present associate is a female. Have know many female physicians and females in high places of power and leadership. Things I have observed:
All have had to be better than their male colleagues to just be judged adequate. Seems to be changing.
Us the F word in a meeting as a female and be judged harshly; as a male not.
Be even a litte demanding as a female be labeled and real bitch; as a male be praised.
The list goes on and on. It is not fair. Is biased. Is reality. But I do see change.
There is no reason why you cannot and should not and will not be a kick ass Mom and a kick as professional. You already are.
Any one who suggests otherwise is, IMHO, way off base.
Posted by: Foggy at May 23, 2008 08:42 PM (iVaTz)
28
I cheated and read the above post first but...
Welcome to the jungle.. You're doing great girl, just keep swimming!
Posted by: Laura at May 24, 2008 02:59 AM (ut68K)
29
One little thing— You have a lot of talent and energy to expend. Just don't forget to save a little for yourself and *don't feel guilty* for doing so. Think of it as an investment— investing a little time for you will give you more for Nick and Nora and wide world accomplishments.
(I say this as a chronic overscheduler. Just so you know.
)
Posted by: B. Durbin at May 24, 2008 05:37 AM (tie24)
30
Kudos to you in your drinking bird ventures.
As another woman working in a male dominated field (Engineering) , you really sound like the type of woman that I would want to work with. It's not right that companies put women on a mommy track after having children, but it's not only the companies that do this... many women contribute to this themselves. In the last few months, I have seen women talk about their children's dirty diapers during a technical training session, leave straight from an important work meeting because their child needed something, regale their collegues with the details of their child's stay in the NICU during another meeting, take cell calls from their child during a departmental meeting, and so on.
And I hate this because it reflects badly upon ALL women in the workplace, childed and otherwise, and contributes to the impression that once a woman has kids that their brain comes out with the child. It is an unfairness for women in the workplace, but not all of it is unjustified. But it does make is much more difficult for the woman who strives to be professional and to be respected as such in the workplace.
Posted by: rochelle at May 24, 2008 05:08 PM (/Yi3B)
31
I believe you can be an amazing mom AND an amazing drinking bird engineer. Just so you know where I stand on all of this hoo-ha. You are who you are and nothing and no one will stand in the way of being the best "you" you can be.
<3
Posted by: Lisa at May 25, 2008 03:08 AM (EcHBm)
32
I am sure that you will knock 'em dead. Bright and creative women, such as yourself, tend to do just that! Good luck, Helen. I am rooting for you!
Posted by: stacie at May 25, 2008 06:35 AM (Lr4xO)
33
I was on vacation last Thursday & Friday and am just now getting to respond. I won't address anything Helen said in her "Answer" post since she left comments off, but I did want to address some comments made here.
There is no reason why you cannot and should not and will not be a kick ass Mom and a kick as professional. (Foggy)
Why can't Helen be a kick ass plastic bird project leader AND a kick ass mom? (Teresa)
I guess it depends on how one defines "kick ass mom" and "kick ass b.p.l." Assuming a 9 hr work day (including lunch), an hour for getting dressed and to work, a half hour to get home, and kids go to bed around 8 or 9, that leaves a working mom between 2 & 3 hours/day with her children. If that's one's definition of a k.a. mom, I guess one can be a k.a. mom AND a k.a.b.p.l.
As I pointed out previously, the Solomons aim for what we think is the best; don't always hit it, but that's what we aim for. One way to figure out what one thinks is the best is to determine what he/she would do if he/she was independently wealthy (i.w.). For dads, if you were i.w. would you work 70 hours/week, or would you work the required 40 and go home and hang out with the family? For moms, would you work at all or put your kids in day care?
IMO a k.a. mom spends as much time as she can with her children and a k.a.b.p.l spends as much time on the project as she can. In that respect, the two are competing forces. A k.a.b.p.l. will periodically be asked/required to work late. THAT will compete with being a k.a. mom. A k.a. mom will periodically be required to stay home with sick/needy kids. THAT will compete with being a k.a.b.p.l. I truly wish Helen the greatest success in being excellent at both of these tasks. But I also believe that one will eventually interfere with the other (it happens all the time) and one will suffer. Don't you guys agree that's a possibility?
Posted by: Solomon at May 26, 2008 02:36 PM (x+GoF)
34
Solomon - there's a time to remonstrate and there's a time to shut the fuck up because the other party does not agree and has taken her toys home with her. This would be one of the latter.
Posted by: Helen at May 26, 2008 04:51 PM (fdHOa)
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