Walking through Waterloo yesterday, my breathe in a puff before me, the platforms crowded with people, I felt ok. I hadn't been there in months. I haven't been a person for months.
I pulled my coat tighter around me and walked into the station, feeling like I wasn't an imposter, feeling like maybe I belonged there. I was already tired by the time I walked into the station, so I bought a bagel and some coffee. I waited by the window of the bagel stand for them to toast it, and I looked around. An Asian woman, a tiny slip of a thing, fairly waltzed past me.
I took my bagel and coffee and started eating while walking to the building. The sun was out, slamming into the surface of the Thames as I crossed Blackfriars bridge. An oil drum bobbed in the fast current of the water, and I wanted to stand on the side of the bridge and raise my hands and jump - not for suicide, but for the thrill of simply jumping, that moment of having air running through my hair, my fingers spread and catching the wind.
I got to the building and headed to the conference room. I took my coat off, pulled out the laptop, logged in. I got my wrist brace out of my bag and slid it on. I sighed, thinking of an email exchange I'd had.
Just thought I should let you know I've been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. It's genetic, and so perhaps you and the rest of the family want to get tested.
I had buried my head in my hands when I read that, and my mind laughed. Yes, Mom, that's the important part of all of this. The blame. That's what's integral to this discussion.
Some things never change.
Last night I got boilingly angry with Angus. Furious. Incredibly upset and disappointed. And this morning as I sit here, still feeling like stone, I realize what it is that I'm really missing.
Grace.
I lack grace.
I combine my inadequacies together and tie them around my neck like a necklace. I don't get upset anymore at my failings, I simply try to accept that like any used car, I could use some work. I'm the person I am, and it's fine. And what Jeannine said yesterday really resonated with me - I'm known to be a very happy, optimistic person, but inside I'm always a bit melancholy - and I like it that way.
My necklace and I have the blues too, and it's ok.
I came back from London yesterday floored at how many people said hi. To those who de-lurked, well done you. I read each and every comment (twice no less) and even replied to a few. You folks are so interesting - way more interesting than I, I'm just a dork. Reading about you was so amazing! Mothers, fathers, grandmothers, infertiles, fertiles, singletons, divorcees, and the huge number of academics (must watch my spelling and grammar more now). I am awed and humbled and it's funny, but I enjoyed reading about you. It's nice to know who's out there taking a peek into my life. Thank you.
-H.
1
That mom of yours. SUCH a card!! *slaps knee*
Posted by: statia at October 22, 2008 11:39 AM (GXxYO)
2
Hmmmm....your mom really is a pill, isn't she?
I wouldn't miss reading about your life, Helen!
Posted by: kenju at October 22, 2008 11:57 AM (8o6aU)
3
I think your thoughtfulness, your love towards your children and your beautiful writing skills don't come from her side of the family, too.
Lily
Posted by: Lily at October 22, 2008 12:06 PM (Iy6AO)
4
oh geez and catholic mothers are the worst - i should know.... i have a magnet on my fridge -"my mother is a travel agent for guilt trips"
her favorite lead-in: "i know it's none of my busines, but..."
i just grin and bear it.
Posted by: deborah at October 22, 2008 12:22 PM (rKKNH)
5
Actually, tell your mom it is more likely that you got it from her side . . . you know it isn't very common on the asian side. *snicker*
I hope your melancholy wanes - the fall is such a beautiful time of year - dropping the old and readying for a steady stump up to a new beginning. I didn't comment yesterday - too freaky busy - but a little bout me: 1/2 Korean, mom to a 5 year old boy who is very photogenic! Oh, and a lawyer who sings showtunes in the shower.
Posted by: oddybobo at October 22, 2008 01:28 PM (mZfwW)
6
My mom couldn't deny that the EDS came from her side of the family, at 64 she could still do the splits and bend down and put her palms to the floor w/o bending her knees! She did however, deny that the bipolar disorder that my brother has came from her side of the family, I guess she didn't notice that her brother and dad were also bipolar? Okay to be bendy, not okay to be mental. So I do get where you are coming from. Revisionist family history is so irritating, isn't it?
I think that part of a woman's gaining grace is to come to terms with her nicks and dings, something that is so hard for most of us, me included to do.
Posted by: Melissia at October 22, 2008 02:05 PM (IBnue)
7
I didn't delurk yesterday because I couldn't decide what I would write.
but today I'm really struck by oddybobo's comment "the fall is such a beautiful time of year - dropping the old and readying for a steady stump up to a new beginning" - i always get melancholy in the fall. Yes, it's a beautiful, gorgeous time of year. Yes, it's when my birthday is and I LOVE my birthday. But it's a time of year when I always find myself turning inwards, looking at me, at my relationships, my work, my life - both because of the weather and because of the birthday reminder that life does keep on moving.
The challenge I put to myself (which I never seem to accomplish) is to be honest and hopeful in my introspection. To accept that I am melancholy and to allow myself to be but not to dwell in it overly long to the point of allowing myself to sink into depression. (Not that that's always in my control either.)
It helps to read your thoughts about your life. Your honesty about your struggles and your hope, always your hope. Thank you for sharing and for putting my feelings into words so often.
Posted by: martha at October 22, 2008 02:32 PM (uNnOA)
8
I understand about the mother thing.Sigh.
It was great fun to read about everyone that commented here yesterday. What a great idea to get to know some of us that don't blog (or openly anyway) and try to comment a lot!
Hope your interview went well!
Posted by: justme at October 22, 2008 03:33 PM (H7HmL)
9
There's nothing wrong with feeling a little blue and longing for that missing something, whatever it is. Without those feelings, the world would be missing some great literature, beautiful music and romance.
Something else that always gets me through is to picture myself on a constant course of self improvement. Even if it is only one small thing, like remembering to put the junk mail in the recycling today instead of throwing in a basket to pile up, then I've accomplished something, and every accomplishment counts.
Posted by: Jeannine at October 22, 2008 04:31 PM (zfPGY)
10
mothers! some daughters do have 'em ...
when you're in a better place i hope you can get what i'm going to say next in a good way xx
coming to your blog is like coming to a party
Posted by: Mei at October 22, 2008 05:05 PM (XN2Yb)
11
I agree with Statia. Except instead of "card" I really mean "festering bitch."
Posted by: Ms. Pants at October 22, 2008 05:18 PM (+p4Zf)
12
Letting you know a bit more about us is the least we can do (in my humble opinion) you let us look round your life on a daily basis.
Abs x
ps, your necklace, it looks very pretty to me
Posted by: abs at October 22, 2008 06:03 PM (GAcqT)
13
Dear Helen, oh dear I just read your news, and I'm so sorry. That must be so hard to process. And the fact that they can't do anything about the pain -- ugh how grim. I wish this weren't on your plate.
Your mother's reaction leaves me speechless.
Posted by: Kath at October 22, 2008 07:15 PM (5p3zy)
14
Well you've done what you needed to do and told the family about the risk of EDS, what they choose to do now is up to them.
I kept coming back yesterday to read all your comments, you have such a varied group of people who read here. I was interested to see that you have another mad keen knitter who could also make you a sweater from a sheep, I guess that means that my post-apocalyptic skills are less marketable now.
Posted by: Caroline M at October 22, 2008 07:38 PM (x3QDi)
15
Yup - she has the important issue there! Hope you got that 2nd appt sorted.
Posted by: Betty M at October 22, 2008 07:43 PM (/9rBW)
16
Amazing how much your mom sounds like my mom...
Posted by: sue at October 22, 2008 09:02 PM (0K+AI)
17
There are many forms of grace, and I think you have it in abundance. The way you will not trash the swunt in front of the kids, the way you try to leave things alone with your mom, in many other ways I think you show great grace.
Posted by: stephanie at October 22, 2008 11:30 PM (4LJAm)
18
You have grace, dignity and elegance in abundance. Part of your charm is that you don't see it.
*sigh* People are what they are, lovie. I know it's your Mom and all, but if you stripped the whole famililal relationship away, would you like her or talk to her? No? Then don't. Or do, but remember that she is incapable of being anything other that what she is, right or wrong. (That whole paragraph came from a lot of hurt and anger in MY life. Just so you know.)
You do have a fascinating readership (myself excepted, of course. I'm boring and I know it). Your open mike was the epitome of cool. I'd do it but the echo would be defening. Hah!
When life hands you lemons, start looking 'round for the vodka, my friend. Then call me because I make a killer lemon drop. It's all I can do. Heh.
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at October 22, 2008 11:48 PM (gF60+)
19
My parent take the blame for my rh blood issues and it makes me feel insanely guilty for their guilt. Again, I swear I should be Catholic with all of the damn guilt. I wonder if your mom has any guilt she's carrying around when it comes to you but refuses to admit it and also doesn't want to take on any more?
Trying to find a reason for her behavior, which is totally inexcusable and makes me so angry I am gritting my teeth before something really nasty spews out.
I haven't left a comment in yesterday's post. I have a valid excuse, teacher! The cable company pulled a sickie and went to the beach instead of working.
Tonight, as I was coming back from Target with Emma on a never ending search for a Halloween costume (which ended and she will be Sharpee from High School Musical ... oh to be 9 again) I heard (and am still listening to) a story on NPR about a woman with EDS and the total fuck up that is the health care system in the US. Here's a link to the show hat ran the story .. aptly called The Story: http://www.thestory.org/ The title was called Leaving for Healthcare.
Posted by: Michele at October 23, 2008 02:38 AM (rXEzC)
20
Hi Helen,
I found your blog while searching for London bloggers.
I was hooked the first time I read you.
I am an American married woman,no children. I travel to London once or twice a year.London is truly my favorite city.
I can't tell you how many times you have made me smile,laugh and yes cry. I cry at the beauty and power in the words you write.
I have read you at least two years and you are my fav blog.
Don't stop.
Ever!
Thank you for everything you give me in your writing.
Posted by: melissa at October 23, 2008 02:53 AM (G9Mq2)
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