I sometimes get emails from people telling me that they are on the verge of killing themselves, they somehow found my blog, and what can I tell them to keep them from ending it all?

In short: nothing. I can't tell you anything that will make it all better, that will make it easier, that will make it go away. I have no secret fixes. I know of no mystery to make you want to live. The only thing I know is this: when I started hitting the bottom, I would find one thing to make myself look forward to every day. Start small. Start very small. When I bounced back from my last ride from hell, I made myself look forward to a cup of coffee every morning. One cup. Every morning. It wasn't the world, but it was something. It didn't save my life but it didn't end it, either.

I don't know what to do about those emails, I never know if what I say is right, and I also feel a sense of pure panic - just because you googled me doesn't mean that I am the person to be listening to. My past is strung with disaster and earlier I idly wondered if a small part of our desire for children is us giving them that do-over that we never got to have. I look back at who I was and feel a sense of embarrassment so great that all I can smell is skin. I don't want my children to turn out like me. I want them to be better.

As for how I'm doing now, well...I'm not such a happy bunny. I know this is where the IF bandwagon wants to get on board and tell me that I have two children, I have everything now, what the fuck do I have to be down about? Well, I just do, that's all. Let's leave it at that. Sometimes it all feels like I'm standing in the darkened hallway, waiting for something. Maybe the door will open, maybe the hall light will come on, maybe I'll step out of my shoes and walk back into the living room, I don't know. Something. I'm waiting for something to happen to make things be ok.

Looking back on this blog I see a sea of highs and lows. I'm heading for 5 years of blogging and the words that have filled this site could fill a book, maybe even two. I have books going in my head but can't commit them to paper because if you think I handle rejection about my weight badly, you haven't seen anything yet. Rejection of anything I write would crush me like a teeny little ant. I want nothing more than to be a writer, but I can't get past a blinking cursor.

I may have been through a lot of therapy, but it doesn't mean I'm able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I can't even sidestep a newspaper stand, who am I kidding? Why do people write me and tell me I'm so strong? Don't they know that the truth is, there simply isn't any other choice?

Things aren't so great here right now - I am exhausted. I am tired of arguing. I am facing a lot, more than I've faced in a long, long time.

Today I made myself choose something small. That something small was the wind on the back of my neck as I threw a tennis ball for Gorby over and over again in the one patch of the day where it stopped raining. This was my something.

Tomorrow it'll be something else.

The day after that, something different still.

And those very small things will hang like beads on the protective necklace I wrap around myself, and they will see me through the darkened hallway.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 03:14 PM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 650 words, total size 3 kb.

1 This is well stated. Sometimes it is the smallest thing that gets one through a situation - that can change an outlook or even provide hope where there wasn't any before. Though I have never been through what you are going through nor have I been as low as those from whom you receive the e-mail... I do know that for me the sun helps. Just seeing the sun rise or the sun shining through a hole in the clouds... to stand in that patch of light and let the sun soak through me... We all feel low from time to time - and the little things have amazing powers. Keep doing what you do Helen. I know that I read just a small, tiny, portion of what happens every day in your world... keep finding that small thing!

Posted by: The Exception at January 15, 2008 03:40 PM (z62e3)

2 Hang in there babe. We are all here, with ears to listen and shoulders to cry on should you need us.

Posted by: amy t. at January 15, 2008 03:44 PM (3dOTd)

3 Wow. Here I sit not very far from whence you recently came (Seattle), getting my head around the idea that it’s mid-afternoon where you are vs medium-early morning where I am ... does that make you further into the future than me? Nevermind. It’s just the twisted way my mind works sometimes . . . I’ve been in that hallway. Millions of us have. It’s a phenom of integrating a new reality -- motherhood. It was a long time ago for me; but I still remember vividly when the understanding hit me – my life isn’t all about me anymore. And it never was after that. Once you’ve created another life, everything that filled, marked, drove your days shifts. Pursuit of your own happiness ratchets down the priorities list. Your child (children) gets that rung on the ladder of your life.. It’s a hard adjustment, Helen. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it’s wonderful and sometimes it’s terrible. It’s always serious. Maybe that’s what really precipitates the paradigm shift. Life is now 100% ‘serious’. For the first time in your life, what happens in another’s life (your child/ren’s) has the power to bring you to your knees in a way that what happens in your own can’t compare. Stay with it. ‘Learn’ it. Take it in small steps. There was never a way you could have understood how your world would be intermittently impacted negatively by achieving your dream – to be a mom. This epiphany only occurs by experience. You are not weird or ungrateful or incapable. You are a new mom who’s groping her way through foreign territory. It will normalize. The time will come that you can’t remember what it felt like to only have yourself to consider – and when solving issues in life didn’t come weighted with so many factors to consider. It’s normal. You’re normal. One day at a time. One morning, one afternoon, one night at a time. Awake and aware, sometimes overwhelmed. But never without the belief that you’re up to the task. Because you are.

Posted by: Sienna at January 15, 2008 03:52 PM (wXOSl)

4 Keep looking for those small things Helen, everyday it will easier I hope. You share so much here, and yet it is such a small part of your life. I just want to thank you for sharing what you do and say we're here for you. I know it's not the same as supporting you in real life but my thoughts are with you and if there was anything I can do to help, I would do it!! love and hugs.

Posted by: suzie at January 15, 2008 03:56 PM (weSjv)

5 sometimes a new post on your blog with my cup of tea in the morning is my something small. things *are* hard right now...your life has been totally turned upside-down with those beautiful babies of yours. you're doing such an amazing job, Helen.

Posted by: megan at January 15, 2008 04:14 PM (jy7KI)

6 I think what makes you strong is the fact that you realize there is no other choice, but you still choose to proceed. It can be all too easy to know that you have to do something, and then choose not to do it. Just living life can be difficult at times-and you are choosing to go forward-to me you are a fucking rock. It is hard right now, your right. You have a shitload on your plate. I don't know what else to say; I don't have any quick fixes or magic words either. I will say though that a cup of coffee has pulled me through many a dark night. Just sayin'.

Posted by: Teresa at January 15, 2008 04:46 PM (x8GWB)

7 hugs to you, Helen. from someone who is prone to depression with a botched suicide in her background.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at January 15, 2008 04:53 PM (+MvHD)

8 {{hugs}} Vacations and returns from them are not the least stressful of times, let alone doing it all with new babies. Hang in there, keep writing as you find time, keep taking the baby steps and finding the one good thing and being honest with yourself, and soon all will even out. I am pulling for you.

Posted by: Lisa at January 15, 2008 05:57 PM (EcHBm)

9 Why do people write me and tell me I'm so strong? Don't they know that the truth is, there simply isn't any other choice? I write and tell you this because you ARE strong. You ARE capable. And damnit, people like you. (I hope you smiled there.) It's such cliche but life really IS a series of baby steps. Some days, you can't understand what everyone is so happy about - and others, you can't understand why eveyone is so glum. There is no script for how one *should* act or one *should* feel - not after having a baby, not after enjoying a cup of coffee. You feel things deeply. You feel EVERYTHING deeply. I believe that is our "connection," because I recognize that trait in myself. You have the ability to say what's happening in your psyche and I think that is why people seek your advice. You can articulate when others are mute. I can't promise things will get better - or worse - but I can tell you that you ARE stronger than you know and you WILL get through it. Whatever "it" is. Ask my husband some time about my mantra for a long, long time: "It. Just. Is." (Also? I'm here if you need me. Always.) xoxo

Posted by: Margi at January 15, 2008 06:52 PM (Cms8m)

10 Helen, there is always another choice. You are strong; I see evidence of it everyday that you post.

Posted by: kenju at January 15, 2008 07:12 PM (yvCMb)

11 You ARE the one to talk about it to them because nobody knows better than one who has gone through it. Right? Every time you reach out to them you are helping just by that act alone, so good on YOU! And big {{{{hugs}}}} because I know how hard it is to do. To reach out and feel helpless knowing that you can't help as much as you would like. Helen, you are a *good person*. Good. All the way to the bone Good. Oh yes you are. I also know you use your blog to vent a lot, so...I hope you are feeling better now.

Posted by: The other Amber at January 15, 2008 07:21 PM (zQE5D)

12 The one thing I've read of yours that I think is an excellent reason to avoid suicide is to think of the people you will hurt. And no matter how worthless you feel, how insignificant you feel, you do not have the right to hurt someone else who's only sin is to care about you. That is the one thought of yours that stays with me to this day. And even though I'm dealing with crushing financial problems, three out of four kids that have broken my heart, a wife that can't see how I feel sometimes, rock bottom self esteem, a job that I'm totally bored with yet can't find my way out of, I remember some of the things you've written. And I know that people are dealing with worse, yet somehow keep trucking on with life (Jim) and I look up to such people for strength. And I help those around me who also may be in need worse than me. And I remember that there are people that do love and care about me and my well-being even if I'm not feeling it right now. And that things will eventually get better, even if it's not tomorrow. And yes, guys can get pretty far down, too. Rock on, Helen. You're the best.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 15, 2008 08:49 PM (TRQSQ)

13 Having just blogged about a similar issue but taking a different stance, I see what you're saying. I can't say I necessarily want people on the edge emailing me for help, because fuck if I know how to get better. That, and I'm not one for saying all the right things. However, like another commentor or two has said, you provide the voice of someone who has been through difficult times, and though that does not replace getting proper help from a professional, it can be tremendously helpful. You can email me with your despair if you want. I won't say the right things, but I can listen. Just don't get too friendly or I'll traipse up through Hampshire to find you so we can be fwends! Seriously though, we live in the same bloody county, we should make something work sometime. Let me be your small thing one day! Jesus, I'm even sickening myself now...

Posted by: MsPrufrock at January 15, 2008 09:47 PM (1NDGw)

14 My oh my...Helen is a mommy...I need to start reading your blog more than once a year! Long time no speak, stranger. Hope all is well...and congratulations. -Don (Your former Anger Management friend.)

Posted by: Don Watkins at January 15, 2008 10:57 PM (xqpwD)

15 What everybody else said...plus: you are a writer. Just because we can't order you off of Amazon doesn't mean you aren't a writer. I'd say you are one of the best I've ever read.

Posted by: Nic at January 15, 2008 11:03 PM (kLJvP)

16 those something smalls are literally life savers! they help to obtain and eventually maintain that balance of all the people you need to be: mommy, lover, friend, fiance', career woman, housekeeper, chef, and just you.

Posted by: steff at January 15, 2008 11:21 PM (dicdr)

17 Helen, I might not comment but I look forward to reading you everyday. Hang in there and look forward to the small stuff.

Posted by: Kali at January 15, 2008 11:33 PM (Qvr/7)

18 I read Brooke Shields book "and the rain came down". I thought about you the entire time. She also went through IVF, lost one baby, then finally got pregnant. She describes the pain she experiences after the pregnancy. The changes in your body after stopping the shots and after you had the lemon heads must be tremendous. Hormones can just fuck you up. I can't imagine the stress you are going through and it breaks my heart that you went through so much and now are experiencing such pain. Lots of people are praying for you. I know you don't give much stock in God, but prayers can't hurt. People write to you because they see the hell that you have gone through, know how much you are hurting now and yet you still have the ability to encourage others. We can feel your strength all the way across the pond.

Posted by: Karen at January 15, 2008 11:51 PM (RvFMU)

19 the one thing it gets me past the moment-- the moment where i want to give up. there is not anything right now...no one thing not even a small thing so i am scared

Posted by: mitzi at January 16, 2008 01:10 AM (cB5ML)

20 Sienna stated exactly what I was thinking, but far more eloquently than I ever could. The only thing I'd like to add, Helen, is that continuing on because there simply isn't any other choiced is what strength is made of. Do you realize how many people don't have the ability to simply soldier on? That is what true strength is ... to keep on keeping on no matter what life throws at you. And at that, you are a genius!

Posted by: Ice Queen at January 16, 2008 02:15 AM (PRve5)

21 Big hugs from Big D.

Posted by: Stella at January 16, 2008 02:54 AM (sFS+Z)

22 I remember back during some of my low points having people tell me that I was strong, and I felt like such a fraud. I didn't feel like I i was strong, I just didn't have any choice-- I had to keep plodding on. I can see now how apt that description is, but to me it just feels more like survival. I "survived" the bad patches but I still struggle with labelling myself as strong. I love how you describe it-- the little things. At times it really does come down to finding those things to hold onto. I know there are many more stressful things in your life than being a parent, and I also (think) I understand how you can't really talk about them. I can REALLY relate to that conundrum in my personal life right now, and I hope you find the things you need to to make it through this, too. I will be here for you.

Posted by: Tonya at January 16, 2008 06:26 AM (DVgFJ)

23 I was very suicidal at a very young age. The thing that stopped me from killing myself was realizing how stinking selfish it was. It would kill the people around me. The thought of that was much worse than the pain I was going through at the time.

Posted by: pluckymama at January 18, 2008 04:24 AM (YMLuF)

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