Last night, late conversations.
Hands on a back.
Things that needed to be said, and perhaps more importantly, things that needed to be heard.
The darkness I circle through is not necessarily because of how I feel about the twins, although there is a large part of that - as a number of wonderful women commented yesterday, motherhood is a great big fucking deal that changes a lot about how you feel and think. I have found this to be true, down to the minute sense of the word. Sienna's comment that it's a terrible and wonderful adjustment is absolutely dead-on. My world is bigger now and I hate bigger, and yet it was an easy transition that I love. Do I have post-partum depression? I don't know. I've found I'm suddenly prone to intense and hardcore stress attacks which render me impossible to be around. I also am extremely fragile when it comes to hitting anniversary dates - the first shot, the first ultrasound, the first anything - it makes me feel like I've just been dreaming, that the babies aren't real, that any day now they'll be taken away once my eyes open so I'd better keep dreaming and not lose them. These are new to me, and something that I will take up with the health visitor.
The biggest issue I've been dealing with is the fallout in every other relationship in my life. Throw a rock into a puddle and you can see the ripples. The twins splashed into my life and the waves and pools they left behind have soaked everything else. What they don't tell you is the affect that babies will have on your relationship when they arrive. Oh sure, you know that things will be impacted. You know that a few things will change. You know that the sleep deprivation will takes its toll, as well as the very presence of another person (or two). But nothing-nothing- prepares you for what those changes will be. Above all, I wonder why no one prepares us for what the men will be going through - their lives have changed just as much as ours, and yet it feels like it's never about them, no one thinks to check in on the men-folk, they seem to fill a roll of sperm donater and family provider, and that's it. But their lives are changed just as much, with just as many confusing emotions.
When I read about other couples having no problems whatsoever, that all is ok, that there is no issue anywhere, at all, I think: No way, man. You're dreaming. Or burying things. Or you're married to a doll instead of a human. Because if you're two homo sapiens and something has changed, something you didn't expect and didn't prepare for, then it's causing you pause.
Relationships, like lives, aren't perfect. When I read about other people who allege that their lives and relationships are peachy, that all is well and always has been, that the world is good and small and tidy, that there are no Dorito crumbs under the couch cushions and that they have never looked into the mirror and didn't like what they saw and that they've never gone to bed pissed off and never sought solace in the bottom of a pinot grigio, I think that they're not telling the truth. Which is a shame, because what's the point in trying to paint a pretty picture when there's no one there who can relate to it?
I didn't have blinders on, it's just that when I come packed to the gills with hormones I don't always recognize that he doesn't. And I'm not the kind to dole out advice, ever (unless it involves Mooncups or cheese. See me if you need any cheese help) but if you're with someone who says they don't want kids, then don't have them. Or if you do, brace yourself for volleying rounds of difficulty. Or get yourself one of these, although I personally think those things are creepy and weird in the extreme.
Our relationship isn't perfect but this morning it feels a lot better. The truth is, I just feel overwhelmed, there is a lot on my plate right now. Babies. I have babies. Renovation work about to kick off. I go back to work in 6 short weeks. Day care starts then, also known as the Financial Kick in the Teeth. My family is driving me to distraction (not including my sister, aka the Selfish Bitch. There, I said it. Now back to disregarding her.) I can't get the past year of fertility treatments, hospitalizations and emotions out of my head. The stepkids have been causing some stress (thereby instituting the new law called During Melissa's Next Visit She's Going To Be Taught How to Do the Laundry. It's a good law. It was ratified in no time and I understand Parliament had an extended drinking session once it was signed.) It won't stop fucking raining here to the point where our street is flooded.
And then...
And then...
There is more, I think, but I'll leave it at that.
In yesterday's comments, Diamond Dave hit it dead on - the other reason to keep going is because of someone. Someone can be anyone. You get out of bed and put your feet on the floor and you go through the motions because of someone. Your best friend, your lover, your brother, your child, that nice lady at Starbucks that always smiles in a way that you think she means it, your co-worker, your vet, the one who sent you a condolence card when your cat died...someone needs you. You maybe aren't aware of it, but there is someone that would note that hole you left in their life, and likely no one would be able to fill it.
Last night, someone told me about the hole I would leave in his life.
This morning for the first time ever, two bright gummy smiles met me when I opened their door, telling me about the place I have in their lives.
I wasn't thinking of checking out (thank you, Captain Therapy). I'm still in the hallway but at least I'm less frightened about what happens next, because whatever is there is supposed to be there, and I can't quit because you're right - there is no choice but to go on and that's what I'm going to do.
My small stuff for today - the babies, Gorby and I are going for a long walk. I want to feel the swing of my hips in their joints as I walk. I want to feel the handle of the baby stroller in my hands. I want to watch Gorby get distracted by anything, everything. This is my small, and I look forward to it.
-H.
1
I think all of the above are things that I've thought about, or are even thinking about. I don't pretend my life is anything close to perfect, and I don't like to paint that picture. I don't generally talk about it online, not because I'm ashamed, but because of the ammo of the people who would read it. And out of respect to the Meester, who are related to the people that would use that ammo.
But I can say that I've been to most of the places you've been through, and hell, 10 months into it, I'm still having a hard time adjusting, and yes, have even thought about checking out.
There's a lot of things they don't tell you when they hand you the birth certificate.
Posted by: statia at January 16, 2008 01:19 PM (lHsKN)
2
Kids change your life in ways you could never have imagined. I think I mentioned that once or twice :-D It's something that you don't understand until you're a parent. You think you do, but you're not. Nothing can prepare you for the change.
All relationships are dynamic. They change over time. It's neither a bd thing or a good thing. It simply is the way things are. People who say they never fight with their signifigant other are either liars, or in unhealthy relationships.
My wife and I don't have the same realtionship we had. In some ways things are better, in others they're worse. But we understand each other and work through the tough times.
And the only reason there are no Doritos crumbs around is because the dog gets them ;-)
Posted by: ~Easy at January 16, 2008 01:27 PM (IVGWz)
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"Small" "Baby Steps" "One Day at a Time" "Take it Easy" "Put one foot in front of the other" - there is a reason for all these euphemisms - because big is too much at once. Small steps, small things, small adjustments to big circumstances, small miracles ("Last night, someone told me about the hole I would leave in his life." - I'm SO glad!), small wonders, ("This morning for the first time ever, two bright gummy smiles met me when I opened their door, telling me about the place I have in their lives."), and big hearts - you. I'm glad you're feeling better today.
I haven't shared real details about all the crap that's happened over the past few years anywhere outside of private emails. I am not trying to delude anyone but I am no good at talking, writing, or dodging thrown tomatoes so I just don't talk anymore.
I hope you have a great day, and that lots of nice small things make you feel content and happy today.
Posted by: Lisa at January 16, 2008 02:40 PM (EcHBm)
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I remember when I had Veronica, how for months I could not get over all that had happened-finding out I was pregnant, the actual pregnancy, and of course the birth. It was hard; hours and hours of labor, several hours of pushing, and then the c-section. I was out for a good 3-4 hours after her birth, and I missed her first bath, feeding, and everyone else had a chance to hold her before I did. It took a
long time to be able to deal with all that and not get feel angry/sad/bitter-you name it, I felt it. Even longer to have some sort of acceptance of it. With Scottie I had a planned c-section, but after some general fuck-ups on the nurse's behalf, he was in the neo-natal for a few days after he was born. I was so down about that for so long, part because I knew that I was not going to have anymore children and why couldn't it just go 'right' for once? Of course now I realize there is no 'right or wrong', there just 'is'. But it stung bad, and it is only in the past year or so I can talk about it without feeling so down about it.
What I didn't realize was how much it affected Adam too. About a year after V was born, I found out that Adam had kept a journal in the days after she was born-what happened, how things didn't quite go as plan, and just how scared he was. Although at the time he was my rock, for the first time I realized just how scared and afraid he had felt-and I also go to see things from his perspective. I asked him to do the same when S was born. I even remember my dad commenting after V's birth that he was glad that when his kids were born they didn't allow men in the delivery room. Not because he didn't want to be there, but because he did not know how he would handle it.
I thought Diamond Dave's comment yesterday was fantastic. I won't harp on about how men aren't supposed to show their emotions, etc.-but it is sad that we aren't more accepting of it as a society. Shit, I know I have been guilty of it myself. That is why it is good to get these things out in the open. Resentment just follows words left unspoken, and resentment and anger can lead to depression, which just fucks everybody up. Besides, women aren't mind readers (men either), and each party needs to know how the other feels, so there isn't misplaced anger, resentment, and worst of all guilt.
Of course, easier said then done.
As far as perfect lives? Yeah, I agree-anyone who says their life is "perfect" is lying through their damn teeth. EVERYTHING changes with kids, and I am surprised all the time about how differently Adam and I handle things, especially regarding parenting. Some things drive a huge wedge between us, and other times brings us closer. I think it is natural for all human relationships to drift apart, and lord knows it can be easier. It takes a lot of work to fight for the relationships you want to keep-and it can be tiring, but so worth it.
Glad some things got sorted out, and I think a walk with adorable babies and a fantastic dog sounds grand. Enjoy yourselves. The Laundry Law that passed sounds like my kind of law, too.
BTW, those Realdolls-creepy. The babies-fuck no.
Posted by: Teresa at January 16, 2008 02:54 PM (14s0L)
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Yeah, no one does prepare you for that. And I feel like maybe I should have added that to my list of soapbox topics after the baby was born. But family members also read my blog and I didn't want them to know and offer their opinions about what was going on. We went through a VERY rough patch. The D word was discussed. There was counseling. We're still not perfect but we're trying. As the day-to-day care gets easier for me, I can focus more on him. And we are both committed to sticking it out so there's that.
Posted by: donna at January 16, 2008 02:57 PM (Kco5r)
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When Angels 1 & 2 were born, the Super Model Mrs. Solomon and I still wanted to do all the stuff we had been doing: soccer, tennis, volleyball, hanging out with friends all night, eating out, going to movies, and more. It was a struggle, because you can't do all that w/ kids. You can do some, but not all.
It's so obvious that we have to trade what we really like/love for what we REALLY love, but it's easier said than done. Kids have to become at least priority #3 (For Solomon: God, spouse, kids, everything else; for others,maybe: spouse, kids, everything else). The hard part is being content with that arrangement. It's easy to give up soccer to hang out with kids, but being content and finding more joy in infants than soccer was hard for me when Angel1 was born. Now it's dirt simple.
Posted by: Solomon at January 16, 2008 03:16 PM (x+GoF)
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Teresa,
My brother told me he has a good cry at least once a month. I make fun of him.
But seriously, men SHOULD be rocks! That doesn't mean we shouldn't discuss things that bother us or act like nothing ever scares us, but a man should be a solid, dependable, unwavering, "do what's right even if it's hard" rock for those in his life.
I think it's great that Adam was a rock in your time of need.
Posted by: Solomon at January 16, 2008 03:33 PM (x+GoF)
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This morning for the first time ever, two bright gummy smiles met me when I opened their door...
And it won't be the last. You'll have many more instances where your heart will swell so much that it will seem like it's about to burst.
As for relationships changing when you have kids, well duh. I've heard people say before the kids arrived that "oh sure, I'll be busier, but my life won't change". Those people are smoking some serious crack. Things will change, but you as a couple, along with you as parents, will adapt. That's what you do.
Being a parent is a funny thing. It teaches you some things you never believed in before, things like (1)it is possible to fall head over heels in love with someone you just met and (2)your heart has more capacity for love than you thought possible.
There are lots of days when the alarm clock buzzes that I think, why the heck shouldn't I just stay in bed. Then my wife snuggles up next to me and my two children wander into our room and crawl into bed with us and then I remember: oh yeah, some other people that I love beyond reason depend on me. And then I crawl out of bed and head to work. And when I get home, the children fling themselves at me and my wife gives me that special smile which makes my heart flip, and that makes everything worthwhile.
Posted by: physics geek at January 16, 2008 04:32 PM (MT22W)
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I'm not a writer; but you certainly are. I have been lurking on both your sites for a couple of months (not in a creepy way, though, I promise) - I have a very hard time putting all that's happened to me (IVF etc - no kids yet, but still trying) into perspective, much less words. When I look through your site, I find the words to express my own pain and fears, and I thank you for sharing your experiences. Don't give up on getting past the blinking cursor..... you have an amazing gift (in my opinion, anyway). Try to keep your chin up - life is what happens when we're busy making plans...... you've been through an amazing amount of shit already. That which doesn't kill you,etcetcetcetc. Hate that one, but it's true.
Posted by: jodie at January 16, 2008 05:16 PM (4twyr)
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You make us all see what human is all about. Thank you.
Posted by: sue at January 16, 2008 05:28 PM (WbfZD)
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The only thing that kept me from trying to off myself at certain points when my last marriage was falling apart was the pain I would cause my children. Just couldn't do it. Now, I don't *think* I would have actually gone through with it but you never know; when death begins to seem like a secret and wonderful dream of release and relief, the way it was becoming for me in my mind...well. I don't know what I might have actually done if I hadn't had the kids to think about.
That avenue was closed to me, though. And it's a good thing!
You know what else? My kids, now grown, one married, one getting married in a couple of months, do not have the angsty dark issues I have had. They think Mom is kinda weird like that. Lovably weird, but weird in her off-and-on insecurities all the same, heh. And that attitude on their part makes me deliriously happy.
Oh they still have issues, don't get me wrong! It's just that they handle them differently. Instead of saying, "I'm in so much emotional pain I'm going to end it all" they say, "I'm in emotional pain; how can I change this situation?" That's the great difference between them and me.
I am thrilled about that, let me tell you.
As for people who say they have no issues at all, either they are robots or they are lying to themselves. And I've met some robots but let me tell you; they are no fun at all. heh. Look at Tom Cruise; he would probably tell you he has no issues and his earthly war with aliens is humming along just fine, thank you very much.
But I look at him and think, "why isn't he locked up somewhere?"
So it's all a matter of perspective, I guess.
What am I trying to say? Hell if I know but I do know this; the first year with a baby (or two!) is incredibly hard. Next year will be better. The year after that, even better. You're still only a few months into it. Yeah, time moves more slowly for you right now but it will speed up again.
Posted by: The other Amber at January 16, 2008 06:00 PM (zQE5D)
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a walk sounds really nice. I hope you enjoyed it.
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 16, 2008 06:00 PM (IfXtw)
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Thank you, H. I needed to hear some of that. I'm thinking of you often and sending wishes for energy, luck and love.
Most therapists charge hourly; would you prefer payment by check, chocolate or cheese?
Posted by: Carolyn at January 16, 2008 07:25 PM (dfKSm)
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Don't stop telling her, Angus. Please. It can make all the difference - even if you think she knows, tell her. Same goes for you, Miss - open up your mouth and say it. "I love you!" "You piss me off!" Whatever. Because sometimes? You need to hear vocalize it. And you need to hear it, too.
Anyone who tells you everything is perfect in their world? Lying through their teeth. Nothing ever is. Ever. There are degrees of "good" but perfect? Hah.
Posted by: Margi at January 16, 2008 08:07 PM (Cms8m)
15
Could you also possibly look forward to cheese? Because, I'm not eating it at the moment (we're being "healthy", and it's off the list) and I realy MISS cheese. So - could you eat some you really like, for me?
Cuz you know the rest of it, and I won't rehash.
Posted by: Tracy at January 16, 2008 08:36 PM (zv3bS)
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Umm H? Where in the world did you find that website for the "Adult Dolls"? VERY creepy!
Posted by: Tiffani at January 16, 2008 08:39 PM (u8y0x)
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I discovered a true appreciation for the "small stuff" after having a baby. A minute to brush my hair and put my contact lenses in. A show on tv I could watch all the way through without an interruption. A simple meal prepared quickly and shared with someone who understands how you are feeling.
I have been reading around the internets about those babies, I really miss Channel 4 sometimes. Did you see it? I have watched a couple of clips and it just looks downright sad.
Posted by: Super Sarah at January 17, 2008 02:18 AM (HzKng)
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Dear Helen, would you seriously consider anti depressants? They may help you quite a bit. I think you are in a dark hole and you are only seeing a little bit of light instead of standing in the sunshine where you ought to be. They may really help you and not make everything seem so overwhelming and huge. It will also help with the stress attacks. There is no shame in taking them, after all. Please consider this as an option, it may make a world of difference.
Posted by: Irene at January 17, 2008 04:00 AM (RL+iu)
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I am glad that everything is getting better and you have the small stuff to look forward too. Where did you find out about those dolls? They're just wrong.
Posted by: Missgirlbliss at January 17, 2008 06:04 PM (Ge15a)
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I want to say "me too". I did not post about it because friends and family read my blog, but there were very very hard times. I believe it was the stress of being a new mum, the lack of sleep and the very hard time that came before the birth (infertility, IVF, worrying nucheal, reduction, IUGR...). I thought several times of seeing a therapist but I did not have the time. Now that Max is sleeping through the night and that I am very careful with sleeping as much as I can, I feel much better. When I am having a hard time with Max, I ask Hubby to help out. And when things get tough, I try to think "Enjoy this day because this day will never repeat itself. Max will never be 5 months 1 week and 2 days old again". I was surprised at the insane animal devotion I feel for my child. All my energy is focused on him, and sometimes it means that I have no energy left for Hubby or even myself.
Posted by: marie baguette at January 23, 2008 01:40 AM (BNqmF)
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