In a move that both surprises me and seems the most natural thing on earth, the babies were born exactly three months ago today.

I can't believe three months has passed. It seems like more. It seems like less. It feels like I have never been without the babies, and it feels like they are brand new entries to my life. I adore them, I mourn them, I love them, I need them, and three months ago they exploded into my life.

I'm not going to write a monthly newsletter to them (that's been done and neither a leader nor a follower be), nor will I mark every single month, but this month is a little bit special - the babies, my family and I are headed up to Whistler today for 5 days of winter fun. We will be there on the 5th of January, which is the anniversary of the first shot I took in the cycle that become my Nick and Nora. In some ways it's like coming first circle, I should be able to hold my babies up to the face of Blackcomb and pay homage to the Lupron God, and lay offerings at the feet of the Stims Seraphins.

In three months so much has happened that describing it makes me exhausted in ways I'm not already exhausted. When I'm away from the babies I think of them often, alternating between enjoying the peace and quiet and yearning for them. I don't want to miss a single second of them and I want to let them grow. I want a dozen more babies and I never want to contemplate more children again. I deplore of the sheer exhaustion and I live to hear that small sighing inhale they make just before they sneeze.

In short, I love them.

In long, I love them.

And there's so much in between.

A year ago yesterday I got engaged. Isn't that strange? It was only a year ago. We are in no hurry to get married and, in fact, I can't forsee it happening for a long time. But still. I love my ring, and I love my memories.

Tonight after a day of their cooing and wide-eyed innocence I put my babies to bed. I watched them, imagining their lungs - once working in tandem with mine - moving inside their chests, felt their warm curved backs, inhaled the sweet milky scent of their formula breaths. A year has passed, three months has passed, needles have passed and tears have passed and I look back and simply cannot imagine the journey that took me from Point A to Point B.

I have never been more confused, happy, sad, confident, or fearful than I am now.

I love my infants mightily.

I always will.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:39 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 473 words, total size 3 kb.

1 **sniff** They are beautiful. And so worth it.

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 03, 2008 08:45 AM (IfXtw)

2 Beautiful recap, you have a wonderful way of describing what your babies mean to you. Enjoy Whistler, I can smell the snow and imagine it right now!

Posted by: Super Sarah at January 03, 2008 09:01 AM (HzKng)

3 Three months! Like you said-itseems like forever and yet feels like yesterday. It is strange how the universe seeks balance and all things come full circle. What a year this last one has been. I don't usually believe that people "deserve" happiness or sadness, but in this case I have to make an exception. Your family deserves all the happiness and love in the world. Enjoy the snow babe.

Posted by: Teresa at January 03, 2008 03:39 PM (6UJ8/)

4 I feel like there is something special about that 3 month birthday. Because give or take, it's about a year since you found out you were pregnant. Some of us twin moms didn't go full term, so it's more take than give, but you know what I mean. I wish I could tell you that the time slows down, but it doesn't. Mine turn 9 months on Jan 5th, and the feeling is the same. It's like they've always been here, and like they've just arrived. Emotional to say the least! Me and my husband have already started discussing 1st birthday party plans! How crazy is that? Enjoy your vacation with your family!

Posted by: Erica at January 03, 2008 04:09 PM (D6tE/)

5 Beautiful! Enjoy them, enjoy every single second.

Posted by: The other Amber at January 03, 2008 04:37 PM (zQE5D)

6 Before they were born, remember how annoyed you got when people were constantly telling you to sleep now because you won’t after they’re born (even though you couldn’t because you couldn’t get or stay comfortable no matter what you did)? Anyway – this period right now – this is what they were trying to warn you about. But this is about the end of it – it starts getting better from here. You’ll still never sleep again – until perhaps they’ve moved out and started their own families – but your body gets more adapt to living without the sleep. And the next time you have a friend fall preggers you find yourself telling her to sleep now while she still can before you can stop yourself. I promise… Congrats on all the other milestones. Hope the vacation goes well!!!

Posted by: Clancy at January 03, 2008 05:12 PM (HPYJV)

7 Embrace this time, for this moment will never come again. Yes, there will be many, many, similar moments, but they won't be THIS moment. In a blink they'll be one, then five, then 25. Believe me, I know. But you know what? This moment? You will never forget. No matter how old they (or you) get... it will be imprinted on your soul forever. As it should be.

Posted by: sue at January 03, 2008 07:21 PM (WbfZD)

8 Have a lovely last few days of your trip. Enjoy every moment of the babies.

Posted by: sophie at January 04, 2008 01:55 AM (AY+fk)

9 Hold on tight, it's over before you know it and you don't want to live with any regrets. Enjoy every moment and imprint it on your mind and vow never to forget it. Be aware of now and here and this moment. Your kids are the most precious things you will ever have.

Posted by: Irene at January 04, 2008 02:40 AM (RL+iu)

10 A primer for motherhood in all its glories!

Posted by: kenju at January 04, 2008 04:59 AM (yvCMb)

11 Engaged???? and so s child shall lead (drive) them. Happy Joy!!!

Posted by: LarryConley at January 04, 2008 05:17 AM (5vPUq)

12 Helen - Give those babies an extra squeeze for all of their cyber uncles and aunts today! Tell them our lives are also richer because they are in the world.

Posted by: SaraJane at January 04, 2008 01:11 PM (vM3nl)

13 Happy New Year Helen! Hope 2008 is a great year with the kids!

Posted by: Heidi at January 04, 2008 07:09 PM (fOaS+)

14 Please give them a snuggle for me. Now that I'm knitting more again, I've been scoping out the patterns for wee baby goodies with them in mind. One can never have too many handknits. Hope you have a wonderful visit to Whistler!

Posted by: Christine at January 05, 2008 01:09 AM (AP7py)

15 Happy three-month-iversary!

Posted by: Donna at January 05, 2008 04:37 PM (qP1c/)

16 I read your site a while back and through some time warp space continuum I lost track of you. I just found you again through Christine's side bar and wow, just wow. I am so happy for you and your beauties.

Posted by: syd at January 09, 2008 10:15 PM (b/P7G)

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