I am run off my feet this morning and it's put me in a fairly fierce mood. It started when we woke up to learn the central water heating pump had packed its bags and left. This is bad. It's especially bad as we are getting rid of it in two months time with the extension build and so are reluctant to spend any money on it. It's even worse as the thing is so fucking old we can't find spare parts for it and it's a 4-day holiday weekend here so it's impossible to get any parts we could find in a timely manner. And the worst yet is we're heading into a particularly cold weekend of snow and minus degree temperatures and the loss of the pump means no heat and no hot water.

I already had a nervous tick this morning, and that was before my ice cold shower that made me want to kill people.

Then I had to refill my anti-depressants, only wouldn't you know? The pharmacist didn't turn up so the shop is closed because, you know, turning up for work must be optional for chemists. I also had to go to the grocery store, figuring I'd beat the holiday crowds, only I was foolish I tell you, foolish! Blows were nearly exchanged in the root vegetable aisle and two senior citizens were peeled off each other in the granola section, one of them with a fistful of blue hair in her hand. Then I had to drive back to the nursery because they called and Nick? You know your son, Helen? Are you completely mental, or did you miss the fact that he has every single symptom of teething? OK, they didn't say that, they simply asked if I'd mind dropping off some teething drops as they don't stock any, but I smacked my hand on my forehead and realized that of course they're right. He's teething. Cue next round of hell.

And of course I got into a big bust up in the parking lot of the nursery with a local guy. Words were hotly exchanged. Naturally, as soon as I drove away the stellar comebacks filled my mind, including but not limited to: "Maybe if you grew a pair or took driving lessons you wouldn't have this issue! Nut up, asshole!" And: "I'm not blocking the drive, your judgement is impaired by your obvious excessive use of tweed." Or "Threaten me, mate, and I'll ram that Jaguar up your backside."

Of course, I didn't say anything like these, but they make me punch the air with victory now, after the fact.

It occurs to me that I talk with a strong English accent when I get into altercations, and I think it's my sub-conscious making a ruling that we're not going to give the other person any additional ammo. I have adjusted in many ways - you ring someone up on their mobile, instead of calling someone on their cell phone (I work in telecom. If I didn't adapt to that one people would eat me alive.) It's petrol and not gas. They're bins, not garbage cans. I sometimes call them nappies instead of diapers and a cot instead of a crib. Not an apartment - a flat is the name. And the doctor's office is the surgery. All of those are no problem, I'll adapt and talk like the natives because it's easier, because they won't tease me (aka "take the piss") and make me want to fling myself off the top of a building.

But there are many ways I'm in a raft amongst the islanders. I refuse to pronounce it "to-MAH-to". I hate saying "pram" instead of stroller. I will not blatantly wing around an extra "i" to make "aluminum" into "aluminium". He is not Father Christmas. He is Santa Claus. I can't say "he cut me up" instead of "he cut me off" because it makes me feel like I'm in a teen slasher pic. I don't say "he put the phone down on me" instead of "he hung up" because seriously - too many words there. And I physically cannot bring myself to use the word "arse", it makes me feel pretentious.

I do actually love the way the general British population talks. The accent can be elegant, and an insult sounds a lot more brutal with a British accent than an American one. Words of love sound that much more sincere with a British accent, and that's not me romanticising or being an Anglophile. Equally, a British or American accent done by someone not of that culture can sound horrible if it's done wrong. When Angus tries to talk like an American he sounds like his sphincter has slammed shut. The best British and American accents in Hollywood are, I think, from Cate Blanchett and Hugh Laurie (he's English, but his American accent is perfect).

Language has been on my mind a lot lately. It's funny - Angus and I both speak English, only we don't. And it's not just word substitutions ("courgette" instead of "zucchini" and "aubergine" instead of "eggplant"). It's whole phrases and explanations. Of course we completely understand each other but things aren't without their explanations and laughter. What amuses me is that, in general, the British way of talking simply uses more words than the American way does. And those ways edge towards the Masterpiece Theatre.

We were watching TV the other night when an actor uttered this line:

"I find I am exceedingly puzzled without recourse to a rejoinder."

I laughed. Angus looked at me. "What's so funny?"

"Your people use so many great words, when that sentiment could have been shortened considerably," I reply.

"Well what would you have said there, then?"

"Fuck if I know."

"If you don't know then you shouldn't make fun."

"No, that's what I would've said. I would've said 'Fuck if I know'. That's what that sentence means."

"You're so coarse."

"And yet you stay with me."

He's just pissed off I make fun of how he pronounces schedule "SHED-yool".

See? Too many words. Also when you're talking on the phone to an Englishman they find it impossible to say "goodbye" just once. It's true. You always get: "All right then, goodbye. Bye now. Bye bye. Bye." or something like that. This makes me laugh. It also amuses me that some people use "Good morning" as "goodbye". So "Thank you very much, good morning." means "You go now." To me, "good morning" starts a conversation, not ends it.

But it's the double entendres that do me in. A male friend of mine once told me that he'd "Come round at 8 pm and knock me up". To which I thought: Hang on. We're just friends here, mate. But where "knock you up" in the States means "to impregnate", over here it means knock on your door and stop by. Whenever I hear that one it still creases me up.

Many of the naughty things between one culture and the other don't carry over.

It gets me when we go to nice places for dinner and the cheese board comes around for dessert. "Madame?" I was once asked at a business lunch at Claridge's. "Shall I cut the cheese for you?"

As long as it's the silent but violent variety, that'd be fine, I thought, suppressing seriously immature laughter. "Yes, please." I said with a straight face. My colleagues knew something was up, and once the waiter left I explained that "cut the cheese" on my side of the pond meant someone would be waving the air to remove the scent of rectal gas. I taught them a new expression that day.

The one I really struggle with is "fag". Over here a fag is a cigarette, an extremely normal use for the word. I can't bring myself to say the word, so ingrained is the word as a derogatory term for gays and homosexuals. I know it doesn't mean that over here, I just can't get past it.

Even worse, the word "faggot" really is a proper product here. It's a kind of meatball made out of various serious unattractive parts of a pig. It's old-fashioned home cooking, and were once (from what I understand) common in British cuisine, although they're a bit dated now.

The other night we were watching a documentary about Tesco, which is a giant grocery chain here (we're sad - we love documentaries in this house). The idea of this documentary is that an average joe makes a product and tries to sell it to Tesco. One man made up a slew of faggots (the meatball, just to be clear here. I'm not homophobic and I don't tolerate it around me, either. Just wanted to get that out there.) He was trying to sell his idea to Tesco, and every time the name was said I squirmed like mad. They were just throwing the term around, using it in contexts I was trying hard not to giggle at because once again, my humor is occasionally immature and extends to people using words that I know are naughty but they don't know. Like hearing a foreigner use the word "fuck" without really knowing what it means and getting your kicks out of someone saying something they shouldn't be saying (Ha! He said "doody"!).

And then came the penultimate.

The guy went searching through Tesco to see if they already sold faggots, and he uttered the following now famous line in this house:

"Come on! Let's see if we can find more faggots in the meat section!"

That's when I lost my shit.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:57 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 1633 words, total size 9 kb.

1 We used Ventrilo to talk to each other in Warcraft. Most of the guys are English. They all have different accents. Once I figure the accents out, and I'm pretty sure they're speaking English, still can't tell what they mean. What's a ponce, then?

Posted by: Hannah at March 20, 2008 12:39 PM (J6dok)

2 Damn, I had no idea just how different vocabulary is used across the pond. I cringed when watching some shows on BBC America where 'sh*t' and 'f*ck'(bleeped) were used so liberally there. And talking with a couple Brits on Photophlow, they chew my ass out for saying cell phone instead of mobile phone.

Posted by: Ernie E at March 20, 2008 01:38 PM (iIL7k)

3 HA HA HA! That last line is stellar! I am immature anyway when it comes to that kind of stuff, so I give you great praise for keeping your shit together as well as you do. I would be in hysterics, because I'm a child that way. Its like the time my 70 year old grandma told me the guy at the salon gave her a great deal-25 bucks for a haircut and blowjob. I told her I thought she was worth at least 40.

Posted by: Teresa at March 20, 2008 02:11 PM (GhSj7)

4 So if they use the words sh_t and f_ck liberally in England, do they not mean the same thing, or are they just not considered crass? I too thought the "meat section" comment was hilarious. (this is intended entirely to be humorous) Can you really not tolerate homophobia? If I'm afraid of something, I'm afraid of it. What's next? Not tolerating arachnophobia or triskaidekaphobia? No one who's afraid of spiders or the number 13 can come here. : ) Just kidding, I know you meant you don't tolerate people expressing that phobia here. Solomon is neither homophobic nor triskaidekaphobic. Arachnophobic? Maybe a little. They're just so creepy.

Posted by: Solomon at March 20, 2008 02:43 PM (x+GoF)

5 I had to just stop, at schedule, because when I first started reading this post, that's IMMEDIATELY what popped into my mind.

Posted by: statia at March 20, 2008 03:25 PM (5IjqH)

6 Don't even get me started on AL-YOU-MIN-EUM. Hah!

Posted by: Margi at March 20, 2008 03:36 PM (zfeQt)

7 Hannah: Ponce = jackass, of the fruity variety Hel, you'll love this: Separated by a Common Language And why is it that whenever Englishmen go to make with the septic accent, they immediately go to John Wayne? If not John Wayne, then straight up Brooklyn thug. Or a fucked up combination of the two. And Americans instinctively raise their voices a good 400 octaves and slow down their speech but open their mouths 900 times wider and put on a "Rain in Spain on the Plain" type accent. And don't even get me started on the people who think our Geico Gecko is fucking Australian. Jesus H Christ and the Cockney Rentboy.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 20, 2008 03:38 PM (+p4Zf)

8 Ohhhhh, and you forgot the biggest biggie of all the bigs over on your side of the pond. CUNT!!! (Heh, big cunt.)

Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 20, 2008 03:39 PM (+p4Zf)

9 Gordon spent nearly two years laughing at me trying to figure out how they could possibly get the pronunciation to be aluminium before he finally told me they spell it with that extra i. Seriously. He'd just sit and laugh at me staring at the box of foil trying to figure that out. After many years dating a Brit, I found that I picked up many words (twat and cunt being two of my favorites, I must say), but the real thing I got was that my pronunciation of certain words (the inflection, mostly) changed. And I may say arse, but you'll never catch me saying toMAHto. As an American, I would consider that to be a blow to my pride and dignity.

Posted by: amy t. at March 20, 2008 03:47 PM (3dOTd)

10 There was a story on NPR a good clip ago about the language differences between the UK and US. It talked about one couple, Englishman, American woman--go figure--living here in the States. The dude was invited to a party for work and was told to "dress fancy" and that it was a "fancy dress" party. I know you can see where I'm going with this one. They each wore tomato costumes. She was toMAYto, he was toMAHto. And everyone else was in suits and gowns.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 20, 2008 04:34 PM (+p4Zf)

11 I am right there with you! The only thing I do like to say is arse because in Scotland they say, "I cannae be arsed". Meaning I just can't be bothered and I love it. Also SPOT ON about the can't hang up without saying "bye now bye" 500 times! I was like um can I please hang up the phone now? It is a total joke now in my office because I thought it was just my future MIL who did it and I was imitating her and they were like no we pretty much all do it. So now when anyone walks out of the office and says bye we keep it going for like a minute after. lol

Posted by: Lee at March 20, 2008 05:45 PM (Q37vb)

12 Friend of mine having an argument with her (usually) fluent english-speaking French boyfriend. He yells at her 'You think I know fuck nothing, but I know fuck all!'

Posted by: anna at March 20, 2008 05:50 PM (Y0R5E)

13 LMAO, babe. As for the accent thing, did you do that in the South, too? When we lived in NC I got VERY Southern at some moments. Usually when I needed to get someone to do something for me....

Posted by: caltechgirl at March 20, 2008 06:03 PM (IfXtw)

14 When I was working my way through college as a bartender, we had a group of exchange students from across the pond who started hanging out in the bar. It was very enlightening for all of us I think.

Posted by: ~Easy at March 20, 2008 06:19 PM (XD24A)

15 A Lancashire lass replies: I have known to be a fag hag in my time and oh how I wish my husband would knock me up....all well known phrases to me but not always heard in the same sentence! Now I will bid you Good Evening Helen. Goodbye, bye, see ya later, toodaloo!!

Posted by: Becks at March 20, 2008 06:27 PM (4YciC)

16 I've only recently stumbled upon your blog I have loved all of your posts. Todays post though especailly cracked me up. Thanks for being a highlight to my otherwise boring/busy days as a new mom.

Posted by: heidinichole at March 20, 2008 07:20 PM (1RIcI)

17 So you're saying you can't be arsed to say arse?

Posted by: Sigivald at March 20, 2008 07:52 PM (3iY68)

18 You forgot the traditional American tourist howler - fannypack. I've been in some tourist traps where I've just about lost it with that one. I thought that ponce had a tighter definition than jackass, I'd always equated it with pimp.

Posted by: Caroline M at March 20, 2008 09:21 PM (x3QDi)

19 I am also "coarse." When we spent the weekend with our English friends who live in San Francisco, I quickly went back to using fuck and shit quite frequently. I needed to be debriefed or something. I also found it funny when he totally jumped her shit for "sounding like a fucking American." I only wish I could remember what it was she said.

Posted by: sophie at March 20, 2008 09:58 PM (ZPzQL)

20 I don't blame you for losing it - I would have too - and sooner than you did!

Posted by: kenju at March 20, 2008 11:54 PM (yvCMb)

21 Made my afternoon. Thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: ZTZCheese at March 21, 2008 01:03 AM (Iw+8+)

22 P.S. Can someone please enlighten me on the English habit of dropping their articles all over the place? As in: "I was in hospital." or: "I had very good career." I, of course, think it's delightful but when I'm transcribing it, I HAVE TO BACKSPACE A LOT. Which pisses me off. My AP English teacher is beaming at me. Shaddup.

Posted by: Margi at March 21, 2008 02:47 AM (zfeQt)

23 Caroline M - ah yes, the fanny pack. Angus laughs at that one every time, and when we watched an American show once where the Mom threatened to "smack your fanny!" he REALLY lost it. (For those playing the home game - "fanny" in the US refers to the bottom. "Fanny" in the UK is the area about 6 inches to the north on a lady.) And Ms.Pants, with the fancy dress? I STILL get that one wrong over here.

Posted by: Helen at March 21, 2008 10:13 AM (EfHQ2)

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