Today is the 27th of January.
An ordinary day, like other ordinary days. You get up, you make a cup of coffee. You shower, you dread the office. You go about your daily routine with comfort and a sense of ambiguity.
The 27th of January is my mother's birthday.
The 27th of January is also the day, six years ago, that I tried to kill myself.
I got home from work, walked the dog, started dinner, put the vegetable knife down, walked upstairs, took an entire bottle of pills and somehow slashed open my then-husband's razor and had a go at both of my wrists.
I do not remember any of this.
I do remember the aftermath - the mental wing of the hospital. The taste of activated charcoal. The acute embarrassment.
And then the hundreds of hours of therapy.
I have a photo, somewhere, of my wrists a week after the hack-job. I was going to post it but can't find it. Maybe it's macabre anyway. I have a small scar as a reminder, a small scar, small compared to the much larger one I have inside.
Life is hard, it's fucking hard, it pulls you down and drowns you sometimes. In all of our lives we face a time so dark and so bleak that there is no way out. You know this. You're sure of it. It's not going to get any better, there is no up or out or light or help.
And you snap.
You snap because you've had a lot of dark, you're sick of dark, you don't want to be there anymore and you have no one to help you out of it.
Looking back, I know now that I was lost. I was lost to myself and lost to everyone else. Looking back I don't regret what I did, I just regret that I hurt people. Looking back I have learned that there is dark but if you wait long enough, at some point the light will creep in. It will. It has to.
Six years on and there is no chance that I will go down that same path again. I live. I will live. I have values and love and hope and yes, some very dark days more often that I admit. But people need you. People need me. It may not be obvious who needs you, but there is someone. Just look.
I have four people that would miss me horribly if I ever chose to end it, four people that I love with all of my heart, four people that I would miss forever and ever if anything happened to them.
-H.
PS-I met the amazing Suzie, her friend Amy, and Suzie's niece Emily last night. I got to be there for a very special moment for Emily, and I'm so lucky to have met them.
1
... and there are a whole load more people out here honey you would miss you too!!
Hope that you are extremely proud of yourself. You have become an inspiration to so many people. Know that sounds sappy and you are 'just' a girl but you are a v special girl!
Posted by: Moira at January 27, 2009 09:28 AM (UGBIN)
2
Bravo! You are such a strong woman, Helen.
Posted by: ZTZCheese at January 27, 2009 09:39 AM (Iw+8+)
3
Have you read the book "Impulse"? I related to it in a profound way and since I relate to you, I think maybe you would relate to it, too.
I think you are wonderful, but I know first hand that other people thinking you are wonderful won't always make you FEEL wonderful.
I think you ahve come such a long, long way...and in the process of letting the light in, you have shown some of us that light, too
Posted by: justdawn at January 27, 2009 10:22 AM (QrAYm)
4
I would miss you too! So, so glad you're with us and also think that you are wonderful!
)
Posted by: Suzie at January 27, 2009 11:53 AM (zJPh8)
5
my anniversary is 11-5-98. (or was it the 9th? see, it's getting that much easier for me to forget!)
this year was the first time it passed without me thinking about it. it used to haunt me.
happy anniversary of your re-birth, my friend.
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at January 27, 2009 01:00 PM (xbmM0)
6
Like everyone else here, I'm glad you didn't succeed and hope you never experience that kind of darkness again.
Posted by: Solomon at January 27, 2009 01:28 PM (T4HxB)
7
JEALOUS. I miss Suzie.
I'm so glad that you didn't kill yourself babe. I'd be horribly sad for not having known you.
Posted by: statia at January 27, 2009 01:33 PM (s5ipx)
8
Six years ago was also a very dark time in my life. I'm glad you were able to get through all that. If you didn't I would never had the chance to know a beautiful soul like you.
Posted by: Ernie E at January 27, 2009 02:11 PM (UehYw)
9
Hi, I'm new to your blog but I have really been enjoying reading it in the last little while. Thank you for writing with such openness.
Posted by: Ali at January 27, 2009 02:16 PM (X1wqy)
10
I'd miss you too. Thanks for being here.
Posted by: Lisa at January 27, 2009 02:37 PM (YEsan)
11
A lot more than four, dear.
Happy anniversary.
Posted by: lynD at January 27, 2009 03:26 PM (2F9Ak)
12
You have posted on this subject many times and I applaud you everytime you do. I believe your thoughts and posts on this matter should be standard textbook therapy for anyone who has thought of, or attempted suicide. Because no matter how badly life sucks sometimes, eventually good things happen. And there are people out there that care, people who's lives you've affected or are influencing, even though you may not think so. Back at the beginning of last December, I was at a serious low in my life. But in the space of a very short time, some unexpected things and startling revelations (for me) came to light that made me realize that in the long run, it's all worth it (I even did a post about it). And good things do have a habit of happening just when you need them to the most. And we do NOT have the right to make other people hurt just because we're hurting ourselves.
Happy anniversary Helen. And thanks for sharing your insights into what keeps you going.
Posted by: diamond dave at January 27, 2009 03:44 PM (ALMFG)
13
I am glad the light came back for you.
Posted by: Betty M at January 27, 2009 04:25 PM (6fEx9)
14
I am so glad that you stuck around because life would be a lot more crappy without you. And it is my goal to meet you in person one day.
Posted by: donna at January 27, 2009 04:36 PM (xSk7G)
15
I am so glad you are still here, six years later. Sending a hug.
Posted by: Mel at January 27, 2009 06:40 PM (8wmZq)
16
The last line was the most powerful in this, to me. That YOU are one of the 4. That is the best, the light.
Happy Anniversary-
Posted by: Christina at January 27, 2009 06:40 PM (ULlkA)
17
I'm so glad you're here, too. You are an inspiration.
Today is my mom's birthday, too...my bipolar mom who is still in the state hospital 14 months after her own attempt. I hope the light finds its way back into her life, too.
Posted by: selzach at January 27, 2009 07:45 PM (LhyA3)
18
I totally agree that the light is that you're one of the four.
I, too, feel that my life would be somehow less for not having known you. And I know that some would think that we're not "real friends," because we haven't breathed in the same room air and I have to say that's bunk because as a deceased online friend of mine said: "Online is real."
I love you, girlie girl.
I'm so glad you failed on January 27th all those years ago.
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at January 27, 2009 07:48 PM (UDXIJ)
19
You bring light and warmth into every room you enter, Helen. Even Hubby noticed your amazing energy - and he doesn't generally notice space ships on the lawn.
Mum's attempted suicide with pills. Without planning to, I made her feel so guilty about trying to leave me that she's still trying to make it up to me 12 years later. We try not to let her get lost in the dark anymore, but her family history of cyclic and manic depression is terrifying, and I think she'll be on SSRIs on and off for good.
That is just the loveliest photo. I'm so glad you're here to have taken it, be in it, and to have produced the two other incredible human beings in it. The world would be a much poorer place without you all.
Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at January 27, 2009 09:04 PM (xWhE5)
20
I am glad you are here, too. Sending hugs your way...
Posted by: Stacie at January 28, 2009 05:12 AM (p6L8W)
Posted by: Lauren at January 28, 2009 08:33 AM (/h6Eg)
22
I'm so glad that you weren't successful in your attempt. We have much to learn from you.
That photo is really wonderful.
Posted by: kenju at January 28, 2009 02:05 PM (shDit)
23
Thank you for writing this.
Posted by: Laura at January 28, 2009 02:17 PM (U1yF0)
24
Count me among all those who are glad you are still here. You are beautiful.
Posted by: Carol at January 28, 2009 09:21 PM (Dx6hu)
25
I'm glad you got to stick around - the world is a far better place with you in it.
Posted by: maolcolm at January 29, 2009 11:26 AM (S4HeD)
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