The Saturday before Christmas my stepmom was here and basically ordered us out of the house, in the way only a loving stepmom can pull off. Angus and I hadn't been out as just the two of us in forever, and she was throwing us out of the house and insisting that we go on a date. She always offers and we never take her up on it, but this time we did.

We fed my stepmom a little home cookin'. We showered. I put on makeup and some strappy shoes and I wore this little number. That's right - mother of two, complete with saggy C-section scar, decked out in a minidress.

And Angus and I - doing really well now after this past weekend of dark, difficult talks - went to a party. A Christmas party, full of Christmas people and Christmas cheer. The two of us, minus two teething, dribbly, babbly little creatures wore grown-up clothes and grown-up heels and went to a party.

The party was fun. It really was. Lots of laughter and booze and people in festive outfits celebrating a festive time. Mistletoe was everywhere, and I find that while the English may have a reputation fo rbeing straight-laced, add English people to a Christmas party and you get wild abandon. It's all about the kissing, snogging, bum clutching and red-cheeked behavior. It's not like it's one wild orgy or anything, it feels more like people make up for being more straight-laced the rest of the year.

I found myself under the mistletoe a lot, generally accidentally. I got myself a lot of kisses. I don't mind, it's all in good fun, a quick smack on the mouth or cheek is no big deal. Everyone was having fun and doing similar when someone would inadvertantly find themself hanging around underneath a poisonous plant.

Yet at one point during the night, I found someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned and it was a man there, one I didn't know. He was polite and kind, older than I, and he looked up. "You're under the mistletoe," he said nicely.

I followed his gaze to see that once again I had wound up under that damn plant. "So I am," I replied. Angus was talking and laughing to some people nearby, he waved his glass in a salute and carried on talking.

I smiled and got ready to pucker up when something unusual happened, something I hadn't expected. The man moved forward and opened his arms. He pulled me to him and put my head against his chest.

"I hope you don't mind," he said. "It's just you look like you could really use a cuddle instead of a kiss."

It's hard for me to write this and tell you that in that moment, I knew he absolutely meant nothing remotely sexual. Likewise, I expected nor wanted anything more intimate than what had happened. He wasn't coming on to me, he wasn't playing some stupid man-game whereby I am supposed to throw myself at him and ply him with liquid eyes, he was being genuine. I honestly know that. I will likely never see this guy again, and if I do it will be a harmless and innocent encounter. He was just a stranger that hugged me.

And as I stood there, in some stranger's arms, I took such enormous comfort from a gesture that was as innocent as his intent was. Me, a 34 year old in a sparkly minidress and strappy shoes, I was being hugged by someone who somehow knew that all I wanted was some contact.

There's a Charlie Brown cartoon that I remember. I'm not big on the Peanuts, I find them relatively un-funny, but this one sticks out. It's Charlie Brown facing the reader, and all he says is this: "I feel lonely when I'm all alone."

That's well and good, Chuck, but what happens if you're someone who feels lonely when you're not alone?

Loneliness is something reserved for the single folk and the ones who aren't in some kind of unit. If you're in a family and feeling lonely, then people get out the advice books - You're with the wrong person. You're unhappy. And the worst - What do you have to feel lonely about? It's as though the company of any other human body is supposed to be enough to ensure that you never, ever feel lonely. You feel naughty for feeling alone, you feel ungrateful and childish. You have someone, why should you feel alone? But maybe it's not about having someone. Maybe you are the kind of person that gets on an iceberg and can't figure out the way off of it.

The busier my life gets, the more lonely I feel.

Sometimes we're with people that we love heart and soul, but even in love there are differences, there need to be. We can't want the same things. We can't have the same needs. It's the same with families - having a family doesn't mean that you never feel alone again, it just means that there are several other people in the house who need you, too.

Many years ago I used to surround myself with things. I used to believe that objects would make me happy, that they would give me purpose. After falling into serious credit card debt and giving away nearly every single item that I owned, I learned that things, they didn't make me happy. I could have all the things in the world, it still didn't make me feel any less lonely.

It's not like I spend my time at home functioning as either a mother or as a sexual object, but to be simply hugged by someone was something I needed, something that I was craving and I didn't even know it. Maybe the truth is even when we have full lives of family, work, friends, writing, blogging, you name it, sometimes we just need someone to reach inside of our little bubble and hold on to our elbow, to remind us that we're not alone. You can feel lonely when you're all alone, but it's a lot more painful to feel lonely when you're not.

Or maybe it's just me.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 02:52 PM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 1047 words, total size 6 kb.

1 That is how I feel when someone asks me how "I" am doing. Nobody ever asks about me, they ask about the kids or my husband or the writing. I get more attention than I can handle. My kids love me, my husband loves me, my parents and in-laws love me and my pets love me. Sometimes there is something little makes you realize what you are missing. For you it was the hug, for me it is someone asking how I am. I sometimes feel lonely even though I never get a second alone.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at January 02, 2009 04:22 PM (AWXki)

2 What a great moment. And you're right - sometimes all we really need is an unsolicited hug. Wishing you a great 2009 - I so enjoy reading your posts. BTW- can you enable a long RSS feed instead of a short one so that those of us using RSS readers like Google Reader can read your entire post without having to click out to the blog? thanks.

Posted by: hopefulmother at January 02, 2009 04:33 PM (Xwyw5)

3 Sometimes a hig is the only thing in the world that helps. What a nice Christmas present. Hapy New Year to all of yous!

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 02, 2009 05:01 PM (IfXtw)

4 I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have always felt more lonely in a crowd so to speak.

Posted by: justdawn at January 02, 2009 06:20 PM (k66PJ)

5 "Sometimes I go into the mountains and stay by myself for days, weeks, and I'm not lonely, yet at a party surrounded by a hundred people, I am more lonely than ever." A quote from a book that I love. I understand what you mean. I am glad someone saw that you needed that hug and gave it to you.

Posted by: TNC at January 02, 2009 06:59 PM (s31/e)

6 I understand, too! I often feel alone when im physically not.... a hug can really be the best thing. Happy New Year!

Posted by: Christina at January 02, 2009 08:23 PM (ULlkA)

7 This one made me cry big fat tears. I think I can relate to that kind of loneliness. Hugs to you, Helen. I am glad that you got the chance to go out and have a little fun. I am happy that there was someone at the party who recognized that you needed that hug. But mostly, I am glad that things have calmed for you and Angus now that the holidays are over. Happy New Year, Helen. I wish you much love, happiness, and good health.

Posted by: Stacie at January 02, 2009 09:42 PM (p6L8W)

8 I'm single, and generally have a very satisfying and full life. But my god, do I miss being touched, held and cuddled. So very much.

Posted by: Kimberly at January 02, 2009 11:53 PM (Pxeoq)

9 It's not you. I find myself feeling very lonely in mostly all of my relationships right now, and I am very depressed because of it. I thought it was sad that Angus was right there and someone else noticed that what you needed was a hug, but maybe that's just me.

Posted by: Donna at January 03, 2009 01:24 AM (bpEQp)

10 Helen, it's not just you. I immediately identified with your experience. I think the reason that a kindness from a stranger touches us so much is that it's like they see you as YOU, the person, rather than the role you play in their life. They have no self-interest. Anyway, I think it was neat and that hug was important. Wishing you a great 2009!

Posted by: Star at January 03, 2009 02:06 AM (5mbtb)

11 I understand that perfectly. I'm so glad you got to go to that party. I just read the bio of Chrarles Schulz, who penned 'Peanuts'. Now I understand his drawings a lot better - seeing where they come from in his psyche.

Posted by: kenju at January 03, 2009 12:54 PM (shDit)

12 Fantastic post - I can relate very much to this sometimes. So well written that the hug coming out of the blue took me as much by surprise as it must have done you in person. What a strange sense of relief and vulnerability. I personally think a hug from a stranger in this context would feel entirely different from a hug from Angus would have at that moment and neither is diminished. The emotional reaction is so vastly different due to the lack of passion or emotional memory that I would find myself feeling more vulnerable and cleansed than after a "conciliatory" hug after dark talks and stressful times. Just my opinion on my own emotional reaction so I'm projecting here. The description of the people at the party and their departure from their usual staid behavior cracked me up. From "mistletoe" to "that damn plant" made me laugh out loud. Also, I find Peanuts more poignant than funny. I developed my attraction for them after having read a segment of his autobiography and rationalization for his characters in the front of a collection of comic strips released in a large paperback. PS: (your pr0n filter doesn't like my url - maybe flickr is offensive?

Posted by: Lisa at January 03, 2009 04:31 PM (YEsan)

13 i get it completely. i'm so glad you got that hug at that moment in your life. and thank you for this eloquent post about an event in your life which i probably would have kept to myself and cherished...but that honesty and openness is what makes me love reading this blog. Cheers!

Posted by: Liz at January 03, 2009 07:41 PM (Fy/KW)

14 Bless that man. Because we all need a hug, and sometimes we definitely need it from someone who does not need us, or want us, or look up to us, or rely on us. Sometimes we just need to be humans, and not partners and parents and relatives.

Posted by: May at January 03, 2009 07:46 PM (3jesX)

15 Wow. That was an incredible post. Very well written! And DAMN, I could use a hug now and then.

Posted by: vodkamom at January 03, 2009 09:39 PM (E9ofq)

16 So frikkin' true. When my husband and I were dating, I aksed him what he was most afraid of. He said he was afraid of growing old alone. I told him I was most afraid of what Ben Folds wrote in his song Brick, "Now that I've found someone, I'm feeling more alone then I ever have before." And this still hits home. Very well written. Thanks for sharing.

Posted by: kellyangelo at January 03, 2009 10:44 PM (k5AWF)

17 You wrote just what I needed to read today. I have been feeling very much the same way lately and it is so comforting to know that a stranger could identify your feelings and give you what you needed, right on the spot. Like another commenter said, when everyone needs you for something, and you feel like you can't get it right for anybody, it is the lonliest feeling in the world. More hugs to you.

Posted by: Jeannine at January 04, 2009 04:21 AM (zfPGY)

18 Sometimes it's a hug. Sometimes just simply a smile. Thanks for this lovely reminder about finding connections in the most unlikely of places.

Posted by: The Steadfast Warrior at January 04, 2009 07:05 AM (Cdwkn)

19 Of all your insigthful posts this one is at the top of the pile. Not only do you reveal a monumental truth (being with others in no way protects or immunizes from loniness) but you took me thru a wonderful exciting emotional ride to arrive. Thank you

Posted by: Charles at January 04, 2009 06:32 PM (Dk5Ts)

20 You are fabulous - truly. I love reading your stuff... btw... The busier my life gets, the more lonely I feel.......... I can identify with that 100%

Posted by: Wenchy at January 05, 2009 08:54 AM (Plcrg)

21 Damn, that's awesome. I hope that man continues his good works because sometimes, everybody needs a hug.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 07, 2009 01:24 AM (PlHif)

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