Our talk with the counselor included a review of a book drawn by children who are egg donor babies. Their crayoned pictures spelled out a story of Mom, Dad and child, only Mommy couldn't/didn't have her own eggs, she had a very nice lady help her with the eggs. Mommy and Daddy were holding hands in almost every picture, the woman's stomach a large bubble-shaped empty cradle. A crude crayon picture of this other woman who could help Mommy, this nice lady who had little egg balls colored inside of her'¦this woman is me. This child drew the donor as a woman with long hair, a woman slightly out of the picture of the hand-holding family, slightly to the left and up, as though she were a Crayola angel hovering in the background. The 'when a mommy loves a daddy' story was only altered by a tiny blip of a woman who donates her eggs, and in the end, the resulting little crayon baby looks just like his father and mother, and the three of them held hands and skipped off into their crayon sunset.

The waiting list national average for women waiting to receive eggs is over 2 years. At this hospital, it's running at 18 months. These women are waiting 18 months for the chance that one woman will give her eggs, just so she can be a part of a crayon family.

I was overwhelmed with tears inside.

The counselor then told me that if the other woman gets pregnant using my eggs, I have the right to know, just as if she gets pregnant and I do, too, she can be told. As we discussed it, Angus and I came to the same conclusion-we're not sure we would want to know if she got pregnant and I didn't. It would be joyfully painful, the altruism a knife in the stomach. Maybe, someday, we would want to know. It would take a while before we could get to that stage.

The woman and I will be matched up according to the waiting list and our physical characteristics. If the woman at the top of the list is a tiny blond-haired blue-eyed waif, then she will get passed over for the next woman on the list who has brown eyes. This woman will have access to the following information about me: height, weight, BMI (which, for egg sharing purposes, my BMI is spot on for what they want), age, skin color, family history of disease, my education level and my profession. They will hear of how overwhelmingly unhealthy my grandfather was, while learning that I am listed as 'extremely pale with long very dark hair and skin prone to freckling'. I wonder if that makes me average. The nurse said they had many women on the list that matched my characteristics.

The women on the list are there for any number of reasons. Some of them tragically went into menopause in their 20's, and their egg supply is gone. Some of them have had cancer, and the chemo and radiotherapy has taken their egg stock. Some of them are in their early 40's, and are just unable to produce viable eggs for IVF. The nurse told me it's hard to prioritize, and I don't doubt it-I don't envy them their job, it entails too many broken hearts.

The counselor also told us rules in the UK have changed. If I donate my eggs to another woman and she gets pregnant, when the child turns 18 he/she will be legally entitled to have my name and address. They will have access to find out if they have any half-siblings, either through my own relationship or by other women that may receive eggs in future cycles I would have. There is no anonymity any longer in egg or sperm donation-you can be found, even someone as nomadic as I am, as they also take my passport number. How did I feel about this? Was this ok?

I thought about it. Truthfully, it would be ok with me if they had my information someday. A part of us maybe always needs to know where we come from, where our genes started out, where the path diverged. How would I feel if I saw a version of myself on the other side of the door, a person that started out as a cell from me, and became a whole, beautiful person?

It would make me cry. It would make me want to hug the woman that carried my egg and made her baby. I just had the egg, after all. She would be the mother. It makes me feel somehow excited to think that another woman may have the baby of her dreams, and I got to be a part of that in a tiny little way.

The counselor gave me a thick green form to fill out. In the form is one page outlined by a box, and this box is there for me to free-form write. I am allowed to write anything in it, other than my name or information about me that could lead someone to me, and this form will be given to the mother and baby. I could leave it blank if I want, or I can fill it out and tell them about me. A family will be given a piece of paper (or several, depending on how much I write), and that will be the only thing besides my egg that they have that is a part of me. They can hold the same paper that the side of my hand rested on as I wrote. They can feel the same things I did when my pen dipped onto the paper. They will have a part of me, the only other part being the kind that looks into the mirror in the morning and wishes they'd worn their retainer more as a kid.

I haven't done it yet, as I don't know everything that I want to say. If it were me, I would want to know the details, to read about that person that gave up her cell to make me me. With regards to me, the details that I wonder about writing are a mishmash. I used to be a clumsy child. I am type O negative blood. That my eyes turn green when I cry or am in the sunshine. That I had a cat named Nick while I was in university, a gray plush darling that made my mornings light up with happiness. My feet often get cold, and as such I wear socks all winter long. I have a loud laugh. That when I was a little girl I lost my two front teeth when I was 7, and I lost my final tooth when I was 13-I used to put my teeth in a little tooth pillow under my pillow, and my last tooth got me $5 (always negotiate good prices for the last baby tooth, always). I hate bananas. I have lots of freckles. A broken heart is the worst pain in the history of the world, ever. It's never too early to start saving for retirement. That I, their biological mother, is an American and that's nothing to be ashamed of. I am afraid of growing old and growing fat. I like to be alone. I have a birthmark on my left hip that looks like God made a thumbprint on the curve in the flesh.

Maybe none of that's relevant. Maybe a family will get pissed off reading something like that, and want the details-Does Cystic fibrosis run in the family? What's my IQ? Is there any history of cleft palates in the family? How many siblings do I have? How many children do I have? What is their blood type?

I think about what I would want to read, should I be in that woman's position. For me, I know that genetics and health seems to be a wild card-you never know what you're going to get handed, especially when you have adoptions in the family (as I do), when the parentage is unknown in some circumstances (as it is in some branches of my family), when some people are perfectly healthy and live long lives and others die far too young. For me, I would want to know what kind of person the other woman is. What makes her laugh, what makes her cry, and how it is this person came to cross paths with me. This is the only link that family and I will have for at least 18 years, or longer if the child/children never want to look for me. This is the only legacy that I will have with someone that grew out of the hopes and dreams I have for my own child.

But I haven't written a word, because I don't know how to start.

Sometimes I have lots of words to put down.

Sometimes I have none.

- H.

Comments are open, but any comments about yesterday's post will be deleted.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:00 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
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1 That's got to be the hardest form I've ever heard of. I'm confident you'll do fine with it though, after a bit of introspection.

Posted by: Jim at August 31, 2005 10:36 AM (oqu5j)

2 As well as you write, whatever you chose to write will contain your soul, and that will be perfect...

Posted by: mitzi at August 31, 2005 12:14 PM (WUm8R)

3 I think you'll do fine. In fact, today's entry is beautiful, and I have no doubt that the future crayon-children who are waiting to be will be touched beyond belief, not to mention the mothers, by your thoughtfulness. My opinion? Yes, put some vitals in there, but also, put your heart there. It's a very personal thing you're doing, and if I were on the receiving end, I would love to know a little about the hovering crayon-angel in my life.

Posted by: scorpy at August 31, 2005 01:07 PM (4X0JB)

4 Technology seems to have brought about so many new ways to give us joy and to break our hearts. There are no words for what you're feeling right now. Just a big **HUG** for you and Angus, and lots of Positive Mental Energy sent your way.

Posted by: ~Easy at August 31, 2005 01:24 PM (hFWeN)

5 I so enjoy visiting your site and reading your thoughts. Those pertaining to your journey to begin a family are particularly interesting because of what my sister and her husband have been going through. I won't detail here, because this is YOUR journal, but if you're in need of a happy ending, you can e-mail me and I'll share. What I thought of as I read today's entry is I wonder if you could write about how you love life, and that you made the decision to donate based on your desire to have your own children and help someone else fulfill their desire to have children as well? I think the rest would come naturally...you're a wonderful communicator and an extremely thoughtful, bright woman...the words will come. I don't know you, but I am proud of you. You're very brave. I think you can do anything you set your heart on. Peace, Serena

Posted by: Serena at August 31, 2005 01:39 PM (ToHm9)

6 I am sure whatever you choose to write will be not only appropriate but perfect. You have a gift for expressing yourself. Don't forget that and please don't think that this is something you should keep to yourself or for this blog. Thank you for sharing the events surrounding your path to creating a larger family. Alot of us can relate and feel genuine empathy for you and support you from a distance.

Posted by: wn at August 31, 2005 01:45 PM (zh/oU)

7 I'm with Scorpy. Give the necessary "need to know" info, but then give some "this is who I am and what I like" stuff. It might even help them understand why their child/children wants/want to run off to America someday

Posted by: Solomon at August 31, 2005 01:46 PM (k1sTy)

8 Give them your blog site address. You reveal your soul. What a beautiful, strong, thoughtful woman you are.

Posted by: sue at August 31, 2005 02:05 PM (WbfZD)

9 you are amazing. (((hugs and love)))

Posted by: kat at August 31, 2005 02:09 PM (DLLH+)

10 What a great opportunity/cumbersome task.... I'm sure you'll write something beautiful, as you always do, that the other family will be thrilled to read.

Posted by: donna at August 31, 2005 02:12 PM (Qb0Fv)

11 Helen, One of the things I love about your blog is how much you make me think. How much I question what I would do in a given situation because of words you've put on this website. I'm sure you've heard this often but I feel it needs to be said again. You are one of the bravest and strongest women I've ever had the pleasure to read/know. I feel lucky that some how, those many years ago, I stumbled on your blog. Oh, and just my opinion. Write what you would have wanted to read. Write your heart out. It's a beautiful heart and any child from your body deserves to know that.

Posted by: Jadewolff at August 31, 2005 02:22 PM (75szC)

12 I'm with Jim. I think I'd be struck dumb but I think you are uniquely suited to be able to put down the really important things, the who you are and the why you are special. Lots of love, H.

Posted by: RP at August 31, 2005 03:17 PM (LlPKh)

13 Helen, once you decide what to write, it will come floweing out of you like torrents of rain, and it will be so eloquent that they will all want to meet you years from now. I wish this technology was available when I was of egg-donating age. I would love to be able to help another woman have the baby she has always dreamed of.

Posted by: kenju at August 31, 2005 03:27 PM (+AT7Y)

14 I agree with the masses. Whatever you decide to write will be perfect. In fact, I quite like the things you listed on your blog. My feet are always cold, too, and I know I got that from my mom. Those are the kinds of things that make me really identify with where I came from. Those are great things to pass on. Do the need-to-knows, but do the perhaps-you'd-be-interested-to-knows as well. If nothing else, they will know you are a beautiful writer.

Posted by: amy t. at August 31, 2005 04:02 PM (zPssd)

15 I know you'll find beatiful and right things to say, too. I guess I just wanted to say that, as an adopted person growing up, I cared much less about the medical history stuff and much, much more about the little glimpses of who my parents were as people - their likes and dislikes, etc. I know I looked for myself in these things and it made me feel more grounded in my own soul. Whatever you decide to give will be enough. It will be just what they need.

Posted by: klo at August 31, 2005 06:10 PM (CGT8/)

16 First of all, welcome back. And wow-what a task. Personally, what happens health wise is kind of a crap-shoot anyhow. I mean, you get what you get. I would want to know what makes a person tick-the music they love, books they read, do they like the rain, sunshine, snow-things such as that. To me those are things in life that really matter. You have such a beautiful heart, that I am sure no matter what you write, it will be something mother and baby will always cherish. What you wrote today in your entry was just gorgeous. Good luck...

Posted by: Teresa at August 31, 2005 06:12 PM (gE4dI)

17 i just happened to stumble on your blog from someone else's on msn...wow what an amazing thing you are doing...i am one of those couples that are dealing with infertility, but rather male infertility...i was thinking about what you were wondering what a person would want to know....i would want to know why you are being so generous to do this and give someone the miracle they have been craving and desiring...i would want to know what your favorite foods are, your likes, dislikes, i guess those kinds of things mean more to me than what things run in your family's health history....i just think what you are doing is something really amazing...

Posted by: cynthia at August 31, 2005 09:46 PM (S39Ar)

18 What a wonderful, wonderful thing. Just write. You are such a good writer. I always feel like a good friend when I read your blog. You do such a good job of describing a moment... Make sure you tell him or her that no matter how hard it is to be 13 (or whatever year was hard for you), life just isn't that bad and it will be ok. Best of luck with that green form. Who knew a green form could become a treasure? I know you will write such a good letter...

Posted by: Sara at August 31, 2005 10:18 PM (lvhnO)

19 Just print this post out, love. You have the most unique and wonderful way of sharing the inner recesses of your heart. . . I'm glad to know you. xoxo

Posted by: Margi at August 31, 2005 10:21 PM (nwEQH)

20 That's mind boggling. If they want kids, then they won't care what's bad about you - they'll just be happy to know a little bit of background, just something to ... know, make things a little bit more concrete. And they don't have to read it ... any woman who is on that list wants kids badly and I think that will already be enough of a bond to tell her anything you want.

Posted by: Hannah at September 03, 2005 01:36 PM (ImQx2)

21 What would you want to tell a child about, if you had your own child, about yourself? What would you want them to know about you? What wisdom/knowledge would you want to impart to them? I think maybe you should put that in. And even if the child never gets to read it... you've told what you need to. I think you're incredibly courageous and unselfish, doing this. It's amazing. Especially for those other women who then get a chance. Really nice of you, Helen.

Posted by: Hannah at September 03, 2005 01:38 PM (ImQx2)

22 Helen, If you are to say anything, your heart will tell you what to write. Let your soul take the pen... Dana

Posted by: Dana at September 03, 2005 09:59 PM (LwbeN)

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