Maybe it's best to have a once a week update on the Lemonheads, or else people will think I'm baby crazy (which I'm not, but I admit being knocked up does factor in my mind somewhat).

So far, everything here is fine. I've hit week 15 now, and this is where the parties get started.

Being pregnant is not unlike being a project manager-there are a lot of project targets that you have to hit and a whole lot of milestones that are coming up. When you're doing IVF, you're maybe a little more aware of the milestones:

Project Milestone 1 - Start fertility drugs
Project Milestone 2 - Egg retrieval of the crappy amount of eggs I produced
Project Milestone 3 - Put the little suckers back in there, once they partied with some Angus sperm
Project Milestone 4 - Pregnancy test
Project Milestone 5 - first ultrasound check for heartbeat
Project Milestone 6 - second ultrasound check-heart still beating?
Project Milestone 7 - Hand off to OB-GYN
Project Milestone 8 - First trimester ends
Project Milestone 9 - Nuchal scan and the resulting fear
Project Milestone 10 - Hang out and be glad the puking is over
Project Milestone 11 - Scan at 20 weeks to check growth

and then lots of little milestones after Milestone 11 to ensure they're still growing, they're not re-enacting "North and South" in there, and that they're ok, before you hit the project completion stage:

Project Completion - Birth the little suckers

But throughout the whole project are mitigations involving the risk register. There are always risks, right? Every project has risks. This project has all kinds of risks-we had a risk of miscarriage (and, with "high-risk twins", as my doctors call my pregnancy, we still do). We had a subchorionic hemotoma baking away in my uterus, which caused bleeding and had a risk of miscarriage (it's gone now). We had a risk of Down's syndrome (and I guess technically we still do, as we only tested one of the twins but the other twin has a 1:898 chance of having Down's, and I'll take those odds.) We have a risk of anemia. We have a risk of pre-eclampsia. We have a risk of pre-term labor.

Risks, risks, risks.

It's hard to relax-when you have people screeching at you that your babies are high risk, it sort of registers with you. At the same time, our Lemonheads have proven time and time again that they are absolutely superheroes who haven't given us a reason to not believe in them. So believe I will.

I don't think any of this makes me unique. I get the feeling that unless you're one of the trainwrecky Duggars, for whom giving birth is as normal as getting your teeth cleaned, that all pregnancies come with a degree of concern. Maybe that's the shape of the game, and once they're born the concerns continue-Will SIDS pop its horrible head up? Will they have learning problems? Will they sleep through the night soon? Will they be potty trained by the time they get to high school? Will they really want to tattoo the back of their head?

Maybe that's a part of having kids.

What's harder for me to get used to is the fact that my body, it's not mine anymore. The other morning I woke up and lazily stretched. My stomach - which has become an extremely hard mound - surged and moved, and then settled again. I stared at it and wondered if Sigourney Weaver was going to pop out of it. I have no idea what happened, but it was as though I was inhabited by something else, which I suppose in truth that's what's going on.

Pregnancy for me has become ticking off each milestone. I have also had to change request a number of project tasks into my Lemonhead project plan-as the doctor put me on iron tablets and a pregnant woman already has digestive problems, I didn't know I'd spend my day praying to the god of Fig Newtons if he'd just let me poop that day. That's become a daily task. Another daily task is checking for signs of life in there, because although singleton pregnancies don't feel babies moving until about 17-18 weeks, twins make themselves known earlier, and one of the Lemonheads is situated just under the skin of my stomach, so that Lemonhead really should be any day now.

I never expected to actually get pregnant, and as time goes on I'm more and more surprised that I'm staying pregnant. It's as though I actually stand a chance of having the Lemonheads now. It's getting to a strange time - I'm 15 weeks pregnant today. As of next week's 16 weeks pregnant, if the babies decide it's time to come out it won't be considered a miscarriage, but instead it would be a stillbirth. Unlike my previous miscarriage which had me emitting blood clots the size of my palm while I sat vacantly on the couch watching Scrubs, from here on if something went wrong I'd be going into labor.

But nothing will go wrong, right?

We still sometimes struggle with the enormity of it all. Angus is unhappy today as we toured the nursery we've been thinking of. The cost alone is depressing, but add in to the fact that the twins won't be attending nursery until at least next March but there's already a waiting list which basically screams "you can't get in until May", and the depression deepens. A year's waiting list for two babies that aren't even born yet. I was delighted by the nursery, actually-happy bouncy kids and a host of toys designed to stimulate and educate, loads of bright colors and projects that the kids do themselves-filled the place. But it's weird to fill out a waiting list form for something that's only just the size of your fist.

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with a screaming migraine (yet another fun side effect of being pregnant. When I told my consultant about the migraines, he told me to take Tylenol and drink water. If HE had these kind of headaches, I can tell you he wouldn't be taking Tylenol and water himself.) I was in pretty bad shape yesterday-I passed clean out for most of the afternoon and went to bed early in hopes of getting rid of the screaming agony. But as I sat there in the afternoon, trying to write a technical spec outside of my screaming headache, I had a funny sensation inside. It was like a few bubbles moving just below the surface of my stomach, a strange feeling of a smooth bump, like there was something turning just below my navel.

I put a hand to my stomach.

Another milestone.

"Hello there," I said. "I'm your mommy."

And as each day passes, they become more real.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:41 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
Post contains 1165 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I don't mind the updates, in fact I keep checking for picture updates of the lemonheads spaceship. By the way, you are finally showing and it makes me excited for you!! Yay!! I havne't ever had kids, so I don't know first hand- but I think every pregnancy is marked by the various milestones, especially the "high risk" ones. The best part is that you ARE reaching those milestones after having tried so hard :-) Tell the Leomnheads I said "Hello" next time their awake and kicking!

Posted by: Angela at May 10, 2007 11:35 AM (DGWM7)

2 I totally hear you about waiting lists for nurseries. I had a similar issue when trying to decide where I'd use. My first 3 appts after being told I was high risk, I would basically sit in the car afterwards and cry. I was so nervous and worried all the time. Thankfully, now my crying is limited to sappy movies about "how to give your newborn a bath"...

Posted by: Minawolf at May 10, 2007 12:19 PM (75szC)

3 The Lemonheads could not be any luckier than to have two loving anxious people awaiting their safe arrival. The little flutter is something you will never ever forget, among many other things! Rest up and enjoy this experience!

Posted by: Steff at May 10, 2007 12:22 PM (fIFtd)

4 Isn't that just the coolest thing ever? Just that little "blip blip blip"? I didn't get it, or why pregnant women smiled so much and touched their stomach's when it was happening until I was pregnant also. Now that my kids are out I miss that connection.

Posted by: Teri at May 10, 2007 12:28 PM (K7jOL)

5 The risks you're thinking of now become multiplied exponentially after they're born. As you've already noticed, evry decision you make from here on will be run through the parent filter. Not only is your body not your own any more, your life is not your own either. Being a parent is scary and wonderful. You'll be great!!

Posted by: ~Easy at May 10, 2007 12:50 PM (IVGWz)

6 And then at week 37'ish you will waddle into the kitchen and announce "I'm done - let's get 'em out" and Angus will eye you suspiciously and tell you thay you're on their time frame - - - This so called time frame that kids live in stinks. Don't sweat the nursery - they all have waiting lists and somehow magically when the time comes it's your turn. There are too many variables working for them to say they won't have an opening until May.

Posted by: cursingmama at May 10, 2007 12:56 PM (PoQfr)

7 The only part of pregnancy I liked - the moving of the babies.

Posted by: Jen(aside) at May 10, 2007 01:51 PM (u973k)

8 Have you evaluated the cost of having a nanny instead of going to daycare? Just wondering if they're comparable.

Posted by: Tracy at May 10, 2007 03:09 PM (zv3bS)

9 ~Easy said it well. From here on out, nothing is the same. Forever. Oh, and we can all drive ourselves crazy with worrying about risks. Hubs always says as accident prone as I am I should just be wrapped in bubble-wrap, sealed inside of a ziploc bag and labeled "handle with care", "fragile". Well, geez. What kind of life would THAT be? Just keep the good thoughts... the lemonheads are gonna be juuuust fine.Before you know it they'll be here and you'll be fondly remembering those tummy twinges when you could still kinda sleep.

Posted by: sue at May 10, 2007 03:26 PM (WbfZD)

10 Sorry to hear about the wait list, but from what I understand, they are ALL the rage for parents of young children.... Waitlist for day care, wait list for playgroup, waitlist for preschool, and MOST iportantly waitlist for private school, which some people join as soon as their baby has a name..... Try a cool, damp washcloth on the neck or forehead for the migraines, that usually helps me, as I can't take headache pills either with my other meds.

Posted by: caltechgirl at May 10, 2007 03:32 PM (r0kgl)

11 Just think of how they'll twist and turn and dance in there with the zerberting!! (Perhaps you should teach Ang how to do it if he doesn't already know--was the Cosby Show big in the UK back in the day?--so that he can do real zerberts whenever I note my flickr ones?)

Posted by: Ms. Pants at May 10, 2007 03:53 PM (+p4Zf)

12 I loved feeling them moving inside me; I wish I could feel that again, even for a little bit! And this... Maybe that's a part of having kids. Yeah, that pretty much is. I still worry about my "kids" and they are in their 20's, now.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 10, 2007 04:52 PM (zQE5D)

13 The worry never ends...it just changes into different things. As I'm starting to see that now. My daughter is turning 14 next month and I worry about boys, sex, myspace, AIM and just plain ol' being alone by herself at the mall. All those things I trust her with and educated her about(although she will NEVER have a myspace). But it still scares the living crap out of me. I remember coming home pregnant with her and wanting to play...poking my stomach to make her move. When she was born I missed it so much. Even though she was right next to me. Its a feeling no one can describe unless you've been there.

Posted by: Tiffani at May 10, 2007 04:57 PM (QNSMg)

14 When everyone was telling you how it felt, I didn't jump in. . .becuase it's different for everyone. But I always thought "quickening" was the exact right terminology. I can tell you that one of my favorite lines from the movie "Parenthood," is this: (Frank is describing to his eldest son about how the worry and pain of parenthood is not for him) "And it's not like it ends when you are 21 or 41 or 61. IT. NEVER. ENDS. Like your Aunt Edna's ass, it goes on forever." (I'm quoting from memory, so I might be a tad off.) I should also mention that I feel in my heart that you and your beloved are MORE than up for the task at hand. You wonder how you're going to do it. How? You just do. *shrug* And you'll be just as offhand about it after the fact. You'll just do it! And it will be exhausting and fraught with worry...but it will be so much love your heart will run over the brim. I promise. If anyone in this whole world can do it, I know it is you.

Posted by: Margi at May 10, 2007 05:17 PM (eO7hI)

15 Oh and BTW, I got to the point that if ONE. MORE. PERSON said my pregnancy was high risk due to "advanced maternal age" I was going to start poking eyes out with sporks. It sorta goes along with the "everyone's got an opinion" thing.

Posted by: Margi at May 10, 2007 05:21 PM (eO7hI)

16 lol... I love that you referenced the Duggar family! They crack me up. 16 (or is it 17 now?) kids... all have names starting with "J"- and they love TATOR TOT CASSEROLE! Yuck!

Posted by: Andria at May 10, 2007 07:17 PM (cTKvQ)

17 ::soft quiet hugs::: You go girl!

Posted by: LarryConley at May 10, 2007 07:43 PM (ZhyJq)

18 I think drinking orange juice with the iron helps your body absorb the iron better and decreases the constipation. You are weathering all the milestones beautifully, as are those super hero Lemonheads. I do love the joy I hear as I read your words.

Posted by: sophiesophie at May 11, 2007 04:16 AM (1HOa8)

19 i had migraines with my last pregnancy, it's a special kind of evil. i hope they ease off for you as you get further along.

Posted by: jade at May 11, 2007 09:43 AM (JciQi)

20 I myself was a very high risk delivery. It was such that my mother had to spend the last trimester confined to her bed. When it came time for the delivery, every day longer that she held out meant 3 less days in the hospital. I think we came home a week after I was born. Most days, I'm very cognizant of the fact that the odds were stacked high against either of us surviving birth. I think about how unlikely it was that I'd be a normal, functional child, or that I'd avoid many of the problems that plague deaf/HOH children. Last week, I graduated from cum laude from UF and I realize how lucky I am. I wish you and your beautiful Lemonheads the same luck.

Posted by: Robert at May 11, 2007 07:37 PM (A5s0y)

Hide Comments | Add Comment