Making a bagel this morning, I am very aware of a crying cat at my feet. Mumin is my Cheese Eater, and as such, bagel making time usually means I have feline company. She's not an ordinary Cheese Eater-she only goes for the continental European cheeses, none of this English stuff thank you very much, and the single greatest thing we have in common is that we are both deeply and truly in love with Emmenthal.

I pull a corner off the Emmenthal that I am about to put on my bagel.

She sniffs it delicately, then looks up at me.

What the fuck is this? she seems to say.

"It's Emmenthal," I coo nervously. "You love Emmenthal!"

She sniffs it again. It's fucking light cheese, isn't it! You bought light Emmenthal! The sacrilege! The horror! What's the matter with you, woman? She turns around and walks away, her ass to me and my cheese, showing what she really thinks.

"What do you expect!" I shout after her retreating figure. "I have my first IVF appointment tomorrow! If it wasn't light Emmenthal they'd for sure ask why the hell someone brought in a big ball of mozzarella to have IVF!"

Cheese is my comfort food. When I am nervous or stressed, I eat cheese. It would explain why last week an entire round of Bavarian Smoked mysteriously disappeared from the cheese drawer in our fridge.

For someone with lactose intolerance, I sure do like my cheese.

Yup, tomorrow is the big day, the first appointment. It's strange-I have a busy week of work ahead, and when I think of Tuesday, it's like it's blocked out in my head. I sit on the couch, and think-OK, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday I am off-site for work, Friday I plan on shutting the PC down around lunchtime, and Tuesday...I have something on Tuesday...what the hell am I doing Tuesday?

Then it hits me, and I want to give my ovaries a cuddle, to tell them that it'll be ok.

I think we're mostly ready. We haven't had sex since Saturday since I'm not the only one who gets examined, Angus gets to, as he calls it, "make love to a Tupperware container". You have to go two to three days before the protein shake withdrawal, in order to have a good store of them. I know that the idea of performance anxiety is on his mind, but I know he has some fantastic swimmers, so we should be just fine (he thinks he should be worried, but I also get to explore the Land of Stirrups. That, and I am due for a waxing. Nice).

As I look around, I sometimes get nervous. Not about the idea that I am making the wrong decision, or that I shouldn't do this, but about what it entails. I get caught up in the details.

For instance, I am going to try to have a baby with a man who insists on changing the toilet paper roll so that it hangs down in the back. How can it be that the man I love to death is one of those guys? We play Toilet Paper Chicken all the time-I change the roll to hang toilet paper over, he hangs it toilet paper under, so I of course then change the toilet paper over again. This is the life we have together, I have a Charmin groper who insists on changing the toilet paper around. What kind of impact will it have on our children? I mean, instead of worrying that our child might get his toes or my grape-flavored insanity, my concern is that I want our IVF genes to carry Genus Toilet Paper Overus on the 9th chromosome.

And will our child walk around pronouncing things like Angus, or like me? I don't think I can face a lifetime of my child pronouncing it "toe-MAH-toes". That's just not on. Anytime I ask our child if they want a mozzarella and toe-MAY-toe salad, will Angus lean across the table and pat our child's hand pityingly, as if to say: I know, darling. Mummy is mental. Let's just indulge her, ok? You get the cheese, I'll get the Prozac, and we can force it down her throat.?

And that's another thing-in England, it's not "mommy". It's "mummy". Now while "mummy" makes me think of Winnie-the-Pooh and, more appealingly, Brendan Fraser, I do wonder if I would be missing out calling myself "mummy" over "mommy". Mommy, to me, has connotations of popsicles, of Easter baskets filled with jelly beans, of Band-Aid brand bandages over skinned knees, of attending bad Thanksgiving student plays. Does Mummy mean I will be doling out ice lollies, a packaged Cadbury's Easter egg, bandaging knees with a plaster and explaining the significance of Guy Fawkes Day?

Overwhelming.

I am also jumping the gun. Right now I just have an appointment. Worrying about whether I will be a mommy or a mummy will be a good problem to have.

On Saturday night Angus and I were talking about travelling. We have a few things planned for the next six months, then travel calms down. He casually mentioned that travelling may be slightly different when we have a small child (for example a week long diving trip to Egypt is out for a while) but that travelling with small children is ok-you just pack up and take them along (he did that with his two.) And it hit me-he too is planning on a different life, one where the good problem to have is whether to go to Thailand or Florida. It may mean that snorkelling with nurse sharks is out, but it doesn't mean that splashing in the ocean has to be.

So tomorrow we kick it off, me and my beloved Toilet Paper Under Boy. Me, the woman who has never been a mother but knows she wants to be. Him, who it has to be said is a fantastic father with his two children. He has been down-his kids were due to be here this weekend, but their BA flight obviously never made it. They won't be able to come over now for a month. But he has extraordinary patience with them, he dotes on them and knows them so well.

I know that he's the one that I want to be a family with.

So this is how the party starts. It hopefully starts tomorrow with lots of hand holding and no tempers lost (hint, hint my dear). It continues to a schedule. Then on from there.

It's like Tom Hanks said- "I want to get married, I want to have a kid, and I want him to play a tooth in the school play."

That's all I want. And the truth is, it wouldn't matter which way our child would pronounce tomato or what they called me. I just want to get there. It's a good problem to have.

The toilet paper, on the other hand...

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:04 AM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
Post contains 1176 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Good luck! I'll be thinking of you as you embark on this exciting and nerve-wracking journey.

Posted by: Myles at August 15, 2005 11:11 AM (U81GT)

2 good luck.

Posted by: sn at August 15, 2005 12:28 PM (cHOGW)

3 Lots of good thoughts your way, Helen. p.s. I love that Angus is planning trips with child already. He's a keeper.

Posted by: RP at August 15, 2005 01:41 PM (LlPKh)

4 Helen, I wish you all the luck in the world with the IVF. You will be a fantastic mommy (not mummy) and Angus will just have to learn to live with the toilet paper over the roll (not under). While you are pregnant, could you write a book for us?? You write so very well; I would buy copies to spread all over town.

Posted by: kenju at August 15, 2005 01:48 PM (+AT7Y)

5 Good luck -- I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Posted by: Laura GF at August 15, 2005 01:53 PM (mMPcg)

6 Best of luck! I'll bet sending fertile IVF vibes your way. And I am just like you with the toilet paper. It MUST go over. I even change it when I am at other people's houses. Is that wrong??

Posted by: donna at August 15, 2005 02:04 PM (hmJ3d)

7 No, Donna, cos there's always someone like me who comes in behind you and makes sure the bog roll goes under. BOG ROLL UNDER, DAMMIT!!! Freaks, all of you.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at August 15, 2005 02:35 PM (PQfF5)

8 I guess I never spent enough time in England to use the loo - or at least to notice that roll holders they us - but I'd always assumed they were the same chrome lidded things they use in Germany. And those chrome lidded german roll holder pretty much FORCE the user to load the paper as it should be - OVER THE TOP! I used to really like Angus and thought the two of you together were just the bees knees. But now, knowing he's a under guy, well, that changes a lot... :-)

Posted by: Clancy at August 15, 2005 02:54 PM (JxYJc)

9 Angus is welcome at Maison Pants anytime. And he's guaranteed that the loo paper will go the right way.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at August 15, 2005 03:24 PM (PQfF5)

10 Good luck. Keep your eye on the ball and just keep remembering that he's the one you want to start a family with. It was such a nice thing to read that I had to repeat it here...*) We're rootin' for ya mommy.

Posted by: wn at August 15, 2005 03:29 PM (zh/oU)

11 Good luck tomorrow! Do your girls not play with your toilet paper? I used to be an over kind of girl.. til my baby kitty decided that TP is fun! Now I have to roll it under so she can't unroll it while I'm not watching!

Posted by: Erin at August 15, 2005 03:38 PM (BuifH)

12 Bog roll over the top = pinnacle of vulgarity. Ms. Pants, we have more in common than I could ever have imagined - you epitomise my perfect girl!

Posted by: Angus at August 15, 2005 03:41 PM (k78uM)

13 I remember reading in a teen magazine ages ago that guys like the tp better under than over. So, at the tender age of 14 or 15, I developed my own superstition that involved setting the tp up with "the way boys like it" when I was hoping to meet my dream guy. Now, I put the tp on the roll whichever way it happens to end up. Up, down, standing up next to the toilet...the bf and I are rediculously laid back about this sort of thing. As for tomorrow, I wish you all the luck in the world. You'll be a wonderful mummy. :-)

Posted by: kat at August 15, 2005 03:51 PM (9Bhsn)

14 I'm with Ms. Pants & Angus. Always under. Over is WRONG! And I have no shame in changing it at other people's house.

Posted by: amy t. at August 15, 2005 03:57 PM (zPssd)

15 That does it. I'm starting a club. Who wants to join the Toilet Paper Over Club? It'll be our goal to make sure that the toilet paper, she can always flap in the breeze (luckily my cats take no interest in toilet paper. They're usually trying to drink out of the toilet instead, 'cause that's not gross or anything.)

Posted by: Helen at August 15, 2005 04:35 PM (ATx6T)

16 Over Over OVER!! Always OVER! Hee - we have passive-aggressive toilet paper wars in my house, too. Best of luck with the appointment tomorrow!

Posted by: Lisa at August 15, 2005 04:55 PM (MzcD8)

17 I'm signing up to be a charter member of TPOC. Under is just gross...it touches the wall. Eewww!

Posted by: Jocelyn at August 15, 2005 05:10 PM (p6cmr)

18 Would you believe Hubby was an under and now, because of me he's an over? What a guy! All the best to you and Angus. You have a lot of people out here in blogland who are on your side.

Posted by: sue at August 15, 2005 05:17 PM (WbfZD)

19 Angus, Don't forget to burp the tupperware. Things stay fresher that way. And for god sakes, TP roll goes over. Helen, there's room on the TP over bench. Come sit next to me.

Posted by: sporty at August 15, 2005 05:49 PM (NsnoE)

20 Over. I mean, duh. That way you can get to it without smacking the wall. If there is any putative advantage to under, I'm unaware of it. Which means I'm right, of course.

Posted by: Sigivald at August 15, 2005 08:18 PM (4JnZM)

21 Over is definitely the way to go. Many warm fuzzies, wite light, and lots of good juju headed towards you both as you start this endeavor!

Posted by: sophie at August 15, 2005 08:58 PM (yZwDD)

22 Helen, Helen, Helen. You obviously don't understand. Angus is right. Toilet paper always goes UNDER, unless the dispenser sits low (like at my work), then over is acceptable. But hell, who am I to correct you, I get so lazy that sometimes I just leave the roll on the back of the toilet...

Posted by: diamond dave at August 15, 2005 09:39 PM (gkwrQ)

23 I have never understood this whole debate. Over, under, on the counter, as long it's THERE I really don't give a flying fig about anything else. Finding an empty cardboard tube after a Major Transaction is the only thing that bothers me.

Posted by: ~Easy at August 15, 2005 10:25 PM (nBgZb)

24 Will be cheering and crossing fingers for you the whole journey. Signed, One Who Thinks Your Darling Angus is Right About the Toilet Paper.

Posted by: ilyka at August 16, 2005 01:16 AM (z+oQt)

25 Hope it all goes well. I learnt to become a paper over guy when i met my now wife. It wasn't worth the agony.

Posted by: Simon at August 16, 2005 06:13 AM (OyeEA)

26 :: concentrating very hard and sending Amazing Sticky Baby Dust to Darling Helen and Her Dysfunctional Toilet Roll Sweetheart :: Hey. You know - I figured he must have had a wart on his arse or something. The toilet paper roll thing must be it. No one can be THAT perfect. :: grins ::

Posted by: Margi at August 16, 2005 07:43 AM (nwEQH)

27 Thinking about you this morning - hope all goes well.

Posted by: karmajenn at August 16, 2005 01:51 PM (fx1A8)

28 Best of luck to you and Angus-even if he doesn't understand that the roll goes OVER-he is still a keeper.

Posted by: Teresa at August 16, 2005 03:14 PM (gE4dI)

29 I sure as hell hope you get there. You'd make a fantastic mom--I just know it!

Posted by: Marie at August 16, 2005 03:56 PM (PQxWr)

30 I've got goosebumps of excitement on your behalf running up and down my arms, and across the back of my neck. I feel good things ahead, baby. Really good ones. And P.S.? The toilet paper thing? You can blame his mother. Let's not let this happen going forward, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Posted by: Jennifer at August 17, 2005 12:32 AM (DOcmJ)

31 You will surrender to the under-roll. Trust me. I was (and still am, damn it!) a hard core over the top TP roller. Until toddlers. There is something irresistably spinnable about an over the top roll of toilet paper that draws toddlers like a Shoney's all you can eat pancake breakfast draws Michael Moore.

Posted by: Jim at August 17, 2005 10:29 AM (oqu5j)

32 I am thinking positive, calming thoughts for you, Helen. I hope the appointment goes well.

Posted by: Polichick at August 17, 2005 04:56 PM (vXJB0)

33 I'm thinking of you and wondering what to say, this is after your next post, and just we're all out here thinking of you. And if you're in the mood to smile, you have ads by Google on your site (of course you know this) and today they're for 'ToiletPaperWorld.com' and 'Brass Toilet Paper Holder'. Anyway, take care.

Posted by: Kathy at August 18, 2005 08:05 PM (flb/n)

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