Dear Neighbors -

I know that a number of Americans used to live in this house and the one next door. None of you were around then, during the Second World War, but I'm sure the thought of Yanks living so precipitously near must keep you awake at night. The scent that Americans have - marshmallows, diet Pepsi, and coconut sun cream - could have permeated into your yards. They were so close - oversexed, overpaid and over here. Yet you kept the Americanness at bay, you fought it off with the same bravado you faced staring down the Blitzkrieg.

Then I came along.

And you were good. You had courage. You hugged your partners in the dark corners of your homes and offered courage to each other. You told yourselves that the world had moved on, you could do this, you could accept*.

I behaved myself. I behaved myself so well that you became convinced that the presence of a foreigner amongst your midst - and previously the only foreigner in this area was a Welshman, and I don't think he counts as truly foreign here - was actually an ok thing. Sure, the strange American had her Fourth of July parties. Indeed there was that temporary scare with a shipping container in the front garden, a container you worried more Americans would appear into and live their lives in bumpkin joy in your area. Yes, she and her English partner adopted a dog with the sense of a walnut. And we all survived the scandal of the American being pregnant with not one but two babies, all while being scandalously unmarried.

The shock. The horror. You were all so, so brave.

You had no idea, did you? You couldn't have known. Never in a million years did you foresee the sheer, unimaginable atrocity soon to land on your doorsteps.

Because the tasteful American and her English partner decorated last night. Their Christmas tree is lovely, an ode to constraint and taciturnity. Strings of red and white lights and an assortment of silver bells and glass balls only, this year Angus got the tree of his dreams.

Thank God you didn't see the absolute riot of decorations Helen had on the tree last year. Reindeer, snowmen, and, for reasons known only to Helen, an ornament in the shape of a s'more. You've been spared that, and for that you are grateful.

Even the decorating committee are pleased.

Thankfully the decorating committee are also wholly uninterested in the tree.

But that's inside the house. Inside the house taste, decorum, and sensibility reign. It's an homage to Victorian Christmas inside.

Outside it's all Vegas, baby.

The snowmen went up. We're talking 500watts of pure, blinding American cheese, brought to you courtesy of Helen's gauche family. You will be able to see the Great Wall of China and Helen's snowmen from space.

Add in the other Christmas tree we put up and the icicle lights we wrapped around the porch and the house is a tribute to Vegas, Santa-style.

On our road with no streetlights we light this fucker up, my friends. The good news is everything is on a timer so that we won't light things up too long. It's also on a motion sensor because these are lights and this is Angus, and he has ways he wants to do things. That and our carbon footprint is big enough, really.

We know you're worried about your property values and we're here only to help.

Love,
Angus and Helen.

* All of our neighbors are actually really cool (ok, there's one family we hate, but everyone on the street hates them too). Our neighbors grinned when they saw our yard. The one exception is the woman across the street, who's currently in Cambodia for a week and I am watching her cat. She's very very posh and we think won't be overjoyed about the decorations, but in her usual stiff-upper-lip style she'll grin and bear me.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:53 AM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
Post contains 675 words, total size 4 kb.

1 The trees- in and outside-are marvels and odes to restraint. The snowmen are neat. I shudder to consider reaction to the abomination were they the cheesy inflatable plastic species. Gorby's sense of decorum may have been so offended he would have attacked with a toothy vengence. You done good.

Posted by: Charles at December 07, 2008 10:44 AM (maQJG)

2 It's Christmas baby!!

Posted by: moira at December 07, 2008 10:55 AM (UGBIN)

3 I was reading away at this, nose stuck in my coffee, smiling at the pictures, ahh-ing at the twins... like you do on a Sunday morning. Then I got to the bit about the motion sensor and choked a bit. Do you mean to say that Joe Bloggs (an elderly Joe Bloggs, perchance. With a heart condition) could be strolling up your road one night, minding his own business, when he looks casually over the fence into your living room. 'Nice, tasteful tree' he thinks to himself, and carries on a few more steps past your darkened garden. And comes into range of the motion sensor... ?! Well, at least the flashing blue lights will add to the Vegas-theme! I feel I need to imitate you, but haven't seen a illuminated nodding deer that I like enough yet!

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at December 07, 2008 11:28 AM (EIClK)

4 Beautiful Christmas scene! How in the world did you get them to NOT be interested in the tree? I could use a hint! I am lucky enough to have a little man who started crawling like a crazy person last week! Great timing! He thinks it's a great spot to hide, behind the tree, where we can barely reach him to get him out! He's quick too! I'm beginning to think the gates around the tree aren't as "absolutely ridiculous, why don't parents just tell their child no". Ok, so that was me, last year! I love your love for Christmas, it's contagious! Vicki

Posted by: Vickiickickiicki at December 07, 2008 12:58 PM (GG34S)

5 Sorry, just had to see if I could get my name to stop stuttering! What's with that?

Posted by: Vicki at December 07, 2008 12:59 PM (GG34S)

6 Love it, just love it. Well done! Puts our flashing icicle lights to shame!

Posted by: Super Sarah at December 07, 2008 01:16 PM (Ho/q2)

7 Even if the light are over the top for your area, at least they are not at the scale of some of the lighting over here in the states. I am in central florida and everyone wants to be Disney, except they do it with giant inflatable things - oh the horror!!

Posted by: Amy at December 07, 2008 01:21 PM (Ex6XB)

8 Next year two miles of lights intricately woven into the fence out to finish it of nicely!

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at December 07, 2008 01:54 PM (R7LgM)

9 I'm kind of disappointed. I was hoping you'd have inflatables in your yard. I might have to yank your American citizenship.

Posted by: statia at December 07, 2008 02:00 PM (gmtKw)

10 The tree is pretty...hope the decorations from the top of the babies heads on down stay on!!! :-) Our kitty is the one laying under the tree batting anything that shines!!!

Posted by: steff at December 07, 2008 02:54 PM (G1AfK)

11 Way better than the blow up santas/snowmen etc that plague certain zones of the UK. Not sure I'll be finding any to import myself mind.....

Posted by: Betty M at December 07, 2008 03:09 PM (hB2VM)

12 I love the snowmen and the tastefully elegant tree in the glass corner (I am in LOVE with the reflections!) and the sweet little decorating committee and... and-and.... It's beautiful - and it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Posted by: Lisa at December 07, 2008 04:27 PM (YEsan)

13 @ Hairy Farmer Family - that's the point. I'm the Frank Cross of the neighborhood: "Come and walk your dog down our lane...if you dare!"

Posted by: Helen at December 07, 2008 05:11 PM (wuta+)

14 It all looks wonderful and I wouldn't apologize to the neighbors at all! You did good! and the babies are adorable, as usual.

Posted by: kenju at December 07, 2008 05:22 PM (shDit)

15 That's nothing compared to the houses here. Across the street from my grandma's house there are dozens of light up plastic tableaus, all surrounded by glowing candy canes. The neighbors come to look and enjoy, and the owners put out a tip jar to help with the electric bill.

Posted by: Amandawithana at December 07, 2008 06:10 PM (RGrgE)

16 I think it all looks wonderful. Just show Angus this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W7xj5f-eCs. He's got nothing to worry about.

Posted by: Katy at December 07, 2008 06:56 PM (D1v+a)

17 Looks pretty normal to me. When I was growing up, my mom always made our house look like Christmas threw up all over it. I always pretended to be embarrassed, but secretly I loved it! (Maybe Angus is the same way?)

Posted by: Stacie at December 07, 2008 11:40 PM (p6L8W)

18 Everything looks FABULOUS!!

Posted by: Richmond at December 08, 2008 12:47 AM (Bn2/I)

19 Love it love it love it!

Posted by: Heidi at December 08, 2008 02:41 AM (u0To0)

20 I adore the Snowmen in Vegas theme! Just wish I could muster up the energy to do the same.\

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 08, 2008 06:15 AM (IfXtw)

21 I guess it's a nice little start. I think it needs a Major Award, though.

Posted by: ~Easy at December 08, 2008 01:38 PM (IVGWz)

22 Our tree, which I should note is a three-foot artifical thing as sturdy as a toothpick tower, is currently decorated with a cat. It will not get out of the tree unless forced, which means accidentally tipping the thing over and being projectile tossed across the living room. I love the holidays.

Posted by: D at December 08, 2008 02:08 PM (bRx8a)

23 I love it, both inside and out. And what a beautiful corner in which to have your Christmas tree. Your neighbors have nothing to conplain about. Our neighbors have such a display that I can read "The Host" from by bedroom without turning on the light. It was very good, and you will love it!

Posted by: Melissia at December 08, 2008 03:01 PM (IBnue)

24 I want crazy tree with wild ornaments strewn everywhere!!

Posted by: Ms. Pants at December 08, 2008 03:17 PM (+p4Zf)

25 Looks Marvy! And EVERYONE has that neighbor.

Posted by: That Girl at December 08, 2008 05:43 PM (hzryQ)

26 The snowmen are cute! And your neighbors should be thankful for your tasteful restraint. Down the street from us, one retired couple started putting stuff up in September (yes, it took that long to get it all set up) and included in the display are a bunch of moving doo-dads, like reindeer carousels. Some of which play music, so not only is it a visual extravaganza, but when you walk by you hear 4 different christmas songs competing with each other... We think it's great!

Posted by: stephanie at December 08, 2008 07:04 PM (NImtR)

27 I thought I too was a tasteful glass baubles and a little silver and WHITE lights and none of your flashing nonsense person too. But I fell in love with the snowmen. Damn.

Posted by: May at December 08, 2008 07:04 PM (3jesX)

28 perhaps it would help if I sent you a pic of the front of my house so you can tell your neighbors, "hey, it could be worse, I could be like this freak's house!"

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at December 09, 2008 01:18 AM (0Pi1o)

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