This morning for the first time this winter, it started to snow.
I got ready. I got the babies ready. I changed their clothes and snuggled them and let them watch CBeebies while we showered.
I'm in the office right now. I'm in the office surrounded by office people for the first time since late summer last year. The power is out in our neighborhood while the electric company upgrades some cables. The house is freezing and so are my insides. The wallpaper is too scratchy on the walls near me. Peoples' voices baste the inside of my ear canals and drown me with inconsequence. Things are moving too fast, people are too quick. I had to wear real clothes for the first time in...well, I don't really know when.
My notebook is open beside me. The last entry in it was 31 July 2007. This is the first time I've had it out for so long now I almost forgot what it looked like. I had to borrow a pen from someone as my work laptop backpack was incomplete, it had been so long since I used it. It has cables, a laptop, that damn Blackberry, and a brag book of baby photos that I couldn't not bring with me, a brag book I don't intend on showing anyone but myself.
I'm in the office and I wasn't ready to be in the office yet, I wanted to ease in. My work assignments are light for now, a few technical documents to write that will need a bit of research. I don't know what I'm supposed to do past these documents. I find it doesn't bother me too much, the not knowing. I have to be here all day today as the power doesn't come back on until 5, and I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know how to get through this day.
I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something.
The snow fell as Angus and I drove the babies to nursery. I had to go. I couldn't wave goodbye at the door and expect to see them later. I had to be there to hand them over.
The snow fell today.
Mothers will leave their babies at nursery. I am not the first nor will I be the last. This will get easier as we get a routine going. This will be good for them. This is what has to be done.
I'm in the office for the first time.
I opened my notebook for the first time.
I have my badge around my neck, hanging like a tombstone, a millstone, for the first time. I am over-conscious of it, it's a pendulum, a reminder. If I had a baby in my arms they would grab at it, instead I am aware of it and grab it in their place.
For the first time my 5 month old twins are ensconced in their nursery, Nick staring at the lights, Nora asleep on a donut. I know this as I phoned the nursery not long ago. I had to know.
They didn't cry when I dropped them off.
But I did.
-H.
1
The first couple of weeks was always the hardest for me. I feel for you!
Posted by: justme at March 04, 2008 11:58 AM (rLKdp)
2
Darnit, I've just spent hours reading the last several months of your blog! I should've been working!
I think I'll be a regular reader here.
I hope work goes well for you today and that this transition brings good things for you and your whole family.
love,
Margaret, American expat mom raising 3 bicultural kiddos in Hungary
Posted by: margaret at March 04, 2008 12:39 PM (DbMVa)
3
I can't imagine how hard it is to hand them over to someone else's care while you have to work - but I hope you're reunion with them at the end of the day makes you smile!
Posted by: Heather at March 04, 2008 01:12 PM (s0rhn)
4
I can so imagine... Hoping things get a lot easier for you, quickly.
Posted by: Kath at March 04, 2008 01:41 PM (WqIAi)
5
I can't imagine how hard it must be to drop them off for the first time. But as Heather pointed out, the reunion at the end of the day will be glorious and heart melting. It's true, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Posted by: Solomon at March 04, 2008 01:53 PM (al5Ou)
6
It never gets "better", but it does get a little easier. I bawled like a baby both times I had to go back to work and send my babies to daycare. Many hugs, Helen.
Posted by: Varinia at March 04, 2008 01:55 PM (yFLca)
7
I'm sorry you have to go through that. I still tear up every now and then and my baby will be 5 next week. You have beautiful children who will always know you love them. Fear not, it will get a better, just a little bit.
Posted by: oddybobo at March 04, 2008 01:56 PM (mZfwW)
8
That made ME cry. I can't imagine how hard it must be to leave your babies. At the end of the day, when you pick them up, it will be bliss!
Posted by: Dotty at March 04, 2008 02:27 PM (KJE2B)
9
I know it must be hard. Here's a hug. At least you can call a million times a day if you want to and hear what they are doing. No one will think you are a whack job. And so what if they do? You're paying them. You can be a whack job who calls a million times a day if you want to.
Posted by: donna at March 04, 2008 02:28 PM (TzLxV)
10
Only a couple of hours left now until you get to hold your babies again! I'm glad they're starting you off relatively light at work since your brain will take a while to acclimate to thinking about work stuff again. I know this must be a very rough day for you so far. It's a big help that the babies didn't cry at drop-off, and I would have been suprised to hear you hadn't.
I can hardly wait to hear how the reunion this evening goes.
Posted by: Lisa at March 04, 2008 02:34 PM (EcHBm)
11
I know how hard it is.I worked up until Tristin turned six months.Try to think of how great it will feel when you can pick them up.I hope it starts to get a little easier.Take care of yourself.
Posted by: Erica at March 04, 2008 03:29 PM (AZFra)
12
It will get easier; you're right, the routine will help. Brace yourself; one of these days they *will* cry as you leave, try not to freak out. {{{{{{{big big hugs}}}}}}
Posted by: The other Amber at March 04, 2008 03:58 PM (zQE5D)
13
I am sure it will get easier, Helen, but I know it must be especially hard today. Be good to yourself.
Posted by: kenju at March 04, 2008 04:07 PM (yvCMb)
14
Be glad they're settling in smoothly... it would be so much harder and sadder for you if they weren't.
Posted by: ewe_aer_here at March 04, 2008 05:00 PM (Nn8f5)
15
Helen, I feel your pain. When I dropped my oldest son off at his nursey I sobbed. It didn't help that my office was just across the street and he didn't know any better.
It does get better......and yes there will be times when you wish you could drop them off without someone crying.
Posted by: kali at March 04, 2008 05:57 PM (P0HPK)
16
It never does get better, you just learn to deal with it better. I still worry about my teenager when I drop her off.
Posted by: ~Easy at March 04, 2008 06:40 PM (XD24A)
17
I know that this won't help today, but if you look at the nursery as a place where more good people will fall in love with the babies it should help next week. It never hurts to have extra people loving you -
Posted by: cursingmama at March 04, 2008 07:04 PM (PoQfr)
Posted by: stacie at March 04, 2008 08:40 PM (bxoQT)
19
can't stop thinking> they have eachother there..that's a good thing.
i remember again how it was and i cried also a lot and for a couple of months i asked myself if i really wanted to be a working mum (but ofcourse there is actually no choise :-))
3 more days and it's weekend again. that keeps me going.
I hope it gets quickly a bit easier for you.
Posted by: roxane at March 04, 2008 10:19 PM (S6kw9)
20
Yes, that first day back to work is a toughie. Wishing you a smooth transition in the next couple of weeks.
Posted by: Marie at March 04, 2008 11:20 PM (/wbuD)
21
I hope you had a wonderful evening with the babies! Hugs for tomorrow morning.
Posted by: Laura at March 05, 2008 12:49 AM (uluw9)
22
oh god, i know how you feel. i just started back last monday. i cried all the way to my office door. i've only been back a few times, enough to get caught up so i can mostly telecommute. but i really don't care to be there nor what my assignments are supposed to be. *sigh*
Posted by: becky at March 05, 2008 03:11 AM (l2sRt)
23
I know how you feel. I just went back to work last Monday. I cried the entire way to work, up until I unlocked my office. I will get to telecommute for a while, only going in occasionally, but it won't last. And I don't want to be there. My mind - and heart - are elsewhere. I don't really care what my assignments are anymore. *sigh*
Posted by: becky at March 05, 2008 03:14 AM (l2sRt)
24
damn. sorry. the comments form was acting up.
Posted by: becky at March 05, 2008 03:14 AM (l2sRt)
25
You are so brave! You are doing the best you can for your lovely babies - and they know that. Enjoy them when you are with them - that is all they need!
Posted by: Kitty at March 05, 2008 04:14 AM (zLMjC)
26
Just thinking about you.....
Posted by: Super Sarah at March 05, 2008 06:07 AM (iJq4V)
27
It's tough. Best of luck getting through it! the first day was the hardest for me...
Posted by: Jessica at March 06, 2008 03:15 PM (+sDQh)
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