Tomorrow is Halloween.
Halloween, the 31st of October, the day that the babies were due.
Halloween has always been my favorite of the holidays, the usher of the great joy that is the Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year's home run. I have decorated the house in Halloween style, and am on my fourth Jack-o-lantern since October began. Glowing ghosts hang in the living room window, lit-up pumpkins adorn the front of the house, and spookily-lit spiders hang in the kitchen.
But inside, I'm not sure I feel very much like Halloween.
I find it hard to talk. I can't explain it, but I'm all wrapped up in my head and can't make it all out. I find the idea of talking physically exhausting, so while I want to talk to people, including Statia (who I've only been able to talk to once since the babies arrived, and even that got cut short when the babies started screaming - sorry, babe - don't be angry!) and my family, I find it hard to do so, it's like I can't make sense of anything. I just keep moving - there is a lot to do, and with Melissa and Jeff here, there's little PC time or quiet time available until next week when Jeff heads home and Melissa starts work-study.
I'm finding great joy though in little moments, in small steps, and in quiet pauses. Not only in the incredible way Jeff is responding to his new brother and sister, but in things I never knew could hold me.
Very late last night was such an event.
Angus had taken Nora up to to bed. Jeff was snoozing away in the study. It was Nick and I and the dark house, and I switched on the TV to help keep me awake while we worked on him finishing his bottle. BBC's Electric Proms came on, and Sigur Ros' song Staralfur came on. I sat there, rocking Nick and soothing him, and I cried like a baby before hugging him close to me and told him how much I love him, and how much I always will.
Something tells me that tomorrow is going to be an emotional day for me.
I'm going to try to greet it with open arms and inhale the scent of it and remember it, because Swiss cheese memories can't take it away.
-H.
1
Your babes are absolutely beautiful. I love the picture with their wee Halloween caps.
Helen, you've been through so much. I'm not trying to downplay the difficult emotions that come with new babies (I went through a very dark time when mine was born, but hid it well. In addition to the usual cocktail of postpartum hormones, you've been through a lot: infertility, a very difficult and dangerous pregnancy, emergency birth, the stress of blending a family, and the exhaustion that goes with little ones. You are doing an amazing job.
Posted by: selzach at October 30, 2007 12:09 PM (DXsQv)
2
They are here and they are beautiful, you are doing just great, please don't be tough on yourself.
Happy un-birthday Lemonheads!!
Posted by: Becks at October 30, 2007 12:19 PM (pc2ik)
3
Dude. Don't worry about it. Yes, I miss you dearly, but I know you're up to your eyeballs in just about everything right now. I think you remember me being pretty busy in the early days, and I just had one.
But we think about you daily. And I can't believe they're already almost a month.
Posted by: statia at October 30, 2007 12:22 PM (lHsKN)
4
Helen, Nick and Nora are so precious and I love the caps. I'd like to think that once all hormone levels are back to normal, you'll be fine. The aftermath of a birth is usually quite an upheaval in a family - so you are not alone - it happens everywhere. Take care and continue telling those beautiful babies how much you love them.
Posted by: kenju at October 30, 2007 12:37 PM (TiGru)
5
Awww....happy due date, sweet babies...and happy anniversary to Mum and Dad
They are already showing signs of growing up! They are absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing them with us!
Posted by: ustdawn at October 30, 2007 12:38 PM (HCZgK)
6
Kenju nailed it. The arrival of Nick & Nora is the single biggest event of your life. Everything has changed, and I do mean EVERYTHING.
You know those filters we have in our brains? The one's that stop us from acting on every impulse we have? You have a new one. The "Parent Filter". You see the world differently, you think about your actions differently, and you live your life differently because every moment of your life runs through that new filter in your brain.
Don't feel alone. Every parent goes through this to some degree, and we all understand where you're coming from.
Eventually you'll adjust, though you never do get used to it. I'm still overwhelmed sometimes and my oldest will be 13 in February.
Posted by: ~Easy at October 30, 2007 01:00 PM (IVGWz)
7
Hang in there, H. You're doing great!
And those babies are adorable. Look at them in their stylish little Halloween caps. ;-)
Posted by: Amanda at October 30, 2007 01:04 PM (ay+rD)
8
Helen, you are the BEST mom I have ever seen! Your devotion to those babies makes my heart swell. I hope things settle down for you soon and Happy Halloween, hub, me and the dog are all going to dress up as Pirates!
Posted by: Cheryl at October 30, 2007 04:27 PM (n3lCA)
9
They are getting such full little faces!
You know how I feel about it all. You are a great momma.
Posted by: Teresa at October 30, 2007 04:57 PM (kWtId)
10
HEY! I have that same orange hat for my baby girl (3 1/2 months). I can't believe we're both dealing with newborns at the same time. I'm on the same rollercoaster... crying, then elated, then crying again.
Posted by: suz at October 30, 2007 04:57 PM (GhfSh)
11
I am sure you have heard this before but... No mother can hear it too many times. You have very adorable children.
Posted by: Lukie at October 30, 2007 06:01 PM (WXIEq)
12
You're doing great. And the bebes are just adorable.
Happy Halloween to all of you!
Posted by: caltechgirl at October 30, 2007 06:17 PM (/vgMZ)
13
Watching you gush over your children brings back memories. From this morning; I always hug and kiss my children and tell them that I love them before heading to the office.
Did you ever see
The World According To Garp? Several times throughout the movie, Robin Williams goes and simply watches the children. This happens on the night he and wife were supposed to be out on a date. Instead, they say in the car and watched. Trust me when I tell you that this will never get old.
Take care, Helen. You've been a mom for a long time. Now you've added the children. Sprinkle in a heaping bowlful of happiness and joy and you've just made your life so much better. I couldn't be happier for you.
Posted by: physics geek at October 30, 2007 06:30 PM (MT22W)
14
hang in there honey.
yay for Halloween hats! Too cute!
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at October 30, 2007 07:28 PM (0Pi1o)
15
Its just good to see the photos of those lovely babies, they both look so alert now! I hope you have a good Halloween, full of frights, scares and spiders. Hmm, doesn't sound like much fun!
Posted by: Super Sarah at October 30, 2007 08:26 PM (rRa5H)
16
i remember i had these moments too. it was like the moment my son was born, a complete range of feelings and emotions i didn't have before were born with him. and the worries that I sometimes could have before are now so much bigger. strange thing hé?
but it's like selzach is writing. it's true that you had a lot to deal with in the last year and more. so allow yourself to have these feelings I would say, but know that you are doing this mum thing so very very good!
Posted by: roxane Lemaire at October 30, 2007 08:42 PM (utjSN)
17
Heh. Somebody's been to Target. (I also got one of those hats for a friend, because they're
so incredibly cute.)
Happy birthday, Lemonheads.
Posted by: B. Durbin at October 31, 2007 12:12 AM (tie24)
18
Incidentally, "Pumpkin" is an incredibly cute nickname for Nora.
Posted by: B. Durbin at October 31, 2007 12:13 AM (tie24)
19
Adorable hats. Your post took me right back. I remember one day sitting in the nursery and rocking Jake, Hailey was playing on her playmat in the other room with her Dad. All of a sudden I just started hysterically crying. Jake was just smiling and looking around the room and getting kinda sleepy in my arms, and I just couldn't stop crying. My husband walked in, and was like "What's wrong?" and all I could say was "I just love them so much, it's overwhelming."
And it just keeps getting better.
Posted by: Erica at October 31, 2007 12:21 AM (D6tE/)
20
There is nothing I can that hasn't already been said.
So I'll just give you and big bear {{{{hug}}}} and ask that you kiss those sweet little cheeks of the gorgeous Lemonheads~
Posted by: Poppy at October 31, 2007 03:06 AM (ep+JJ)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
