I've decided to go into advertising. It's been decided. Not only is my burgeoning adoration for Mad Men playing a role in this, but I have some ideas on improvements.

1) First off, to the people who make diapers (I'm looking at you, Pampers and Huggies): Seriously, why bother covering the nappies with Pooh, numbers, and squishy happy characters that should either be frollicking in a Disney movie or making eyes at you from a toy shop window? I mean, it's not like the kids look at their diapers or anything. My two aren't even a little bit interested in their nappies, apart from the tape sections, which they both delight in trying to unstick off of each other's nappies, all while crawling or threatening to drink an entire bottle of Sudocrem or debating the merits of hurtling down the hallway and down the stairs. If you want to cover diapers with something aim for the parents. I'm thinking cocktail recipes, witticisms, or some of the psychotically funny shit from this site. Don't pander to the kids' asses, they're not looking.

Alternatively, cover the entire outside of the nappy with tape. That'll not only keep 'em happy but we can anchor them against the changing mat, much like the premise behind those Wacky Wall Walkers that were cool (up until they got covered in dog hair and wouldn't wall walk so much as hurtle to the ground anymore so you threw them away.) Of course, when the babies get covered in hair like the Wacky Wall Walkers, we won't throw them away but we will present them as the new animal/human hybrid.

2) Oil of Olay undereye anti-wrinkle gel should come in vat size. That gel is the elixir of life. Put it on under your eyes and it's like you have sellotaped the bags away. I love it, it works far better than the poshy shit I used to have but can no longer afford (are you listening Lancome? Are you? It's over!) Oil of Olay needs to make anti-wrinkle forehead gel, too. It should be in something the size of a pumpkin, and it will change the world. Yes, it's full of chemicals that are probably re-writing my genetic code so that when I am 80 I willl look like Dr. Phil, who will have fucked off so many people by then that there will be wanton crowds of bandits roaming the streets beating to death anyone who either resembles Dr. Phil or who has a Texas accent, just because it's so close. But I'm ok with that, because I can be shallow and say that on limited sleep Oil of Olay makes my undereye area look good.

Too bad it can't help with the rest of me.

3) Courtesy of sleeping wrong the other night I woke up with a screaming neckache. Why is it that makers of muscle cream (called Ralgex over here, but I believe in the States it's Deep Heat/Red Heat/Ben Gay/some other combination that inappropropriate Google searches are going to find this post based on) smells like foreskin soaked in formaldehyde? Is it too much to ask for a nice lavender or gingerbread scent? Do we have to smell like old people soaked in chemicals just because our muscles ache?

4) Am still waiting for my second iteration of anti-depressants to work (Post-natal depression is hard, Barbie!) I think we need to make injectible ones. Or a small capsule you pop under your nose, like one of those ammonia capsules/smelling salts that help you wake from a swoon (because life is all about the swooning). This anti-depressant capsule would be broken open during moments of extreme crying jags courtesy of dog food commercials or shouting fits when your partner uses wire cutters to cut his fingernails instead of using the requisite clippers. It should happen soon, this capsule, because I'm quickly headed for "raving bitch" today. Will go get more coffee and see if that can act as a panacea.

5) I wrote up my Christmas cards and sent them out yesterday. The nursery had set up a mailbox to drop the mail off yesterday and I thought How helpful! I'll totally take them up on it because I am involved in the nursery and my children's upbringing! I am one with the nursery! All those who say that people who use nurseries and don't love their children should fuck right off, because my nursery set up a postbox that says "For the kids to leave their Christmas cards!" and I'm all about being involved! In a rush yesterday (as I'm in a 4-day conference that has me lingering on the edge of suicide) I dropped off my beautiful babies and whizzed the cards (already stamped and ready for Mr. Postman) in the box.

When I went to pick up the babies, I saw the box had been edited to say "For the kids to leave their Christmas cards for other kids in the nursery!"

I sighed.

I am nothing if not a fucking idiot.

I went into the baby room, got greeted by two babies who hurtles themselves at my knees (clearly because at nursery they lack attention and nurturing. This is what happens when you let other people raise your children, right?) and the nursery staff, with a laugh, handed me my cards, which as I carried out Nick cheerfully dripped a snotty nose down some of them (sorry Grandma). The babies giving other babies Christmas cards, come on. What's next, baby Secret Santas? Won't they give each other a packet of wet wipes and call it a day?

I'm not big on writing Christmas cards, so for the few "real-life" friends who read here, if you didn't get one this year it's either because A) I stopped loving you, B) I forgot about you, C) my failing right wrist is making writing difficult or D) you strike me as a reasonable sort of person who won't be offended by an e-card.

In response to the Christmas Card Debacle, I want to bring back the newsletter. You know the one, they were big in the 80's. It would talk about the year, with a few badly Xeroxed pictures included, and embody a complete sense of "Boy, do I not want to be doing this at all". A typed up letter that you hand-write the name on, sign it, and maybe add a PS that is personal but in a very half-ass way, like "How's Holly doing?" or "Here's to Ho-Ho-Hoping that mole was benign!".

I'm totally bringing that bad boy back.

-H.

PS-no one from any company mentioned above has endorsed or paid me to discuss one of their products here, but I'm totally open to being bought. Oil of Olay, I'm looking at you.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:45 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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