I didn't write yesterday as I was enjoying yet another round of flu to hit this house, so I alternated between crawling to the toilet to vomit and crawling to the bed to sleep, not an easy feat considering they're re-roofing the house right now.

But I also didn't write as I needed some time to put my thoughts together. There were some comments on Wednesday that hit me the wrong way. There were a few things I wanted to sort out in my head before writing it through.

I work in telecom. I never chose telecom, in fact I don't even like it all that much. But here I am and I'm too old and too stuck in life to change. Sure I'd like to be a writer. I might need to try to publish something first. Sure I'd love to be a doctor. A little thing called med school would knock me out, I'm sure. Our way of life is based on both of us working and having incomes relative to where we are. We may be roofless, dusty, and a little broke, but we have a good life. This much I'm sure of.

Telecommunications is a man's field. I work almost exclusively with men, the only women generally being those in marketing or human resources. Maybe they think we're tough enough only for the softer jobs. Maybe they think we can't hack it. Whatever the truth, I am one of the very few women working in a technical space. This never escapes my notice, especially when it comes to hard, difficult projects. It may be that I get to know which men are married, have kids, or stepkids. It's far more likely that I'll get to know which projects they've worked on and which area of the country they live, the latter being the basis for where meetings are held.

But when meetings drag on to 5 or 6pm, no men dash out of the room as they have to get the kids from nursery. When we have emergencies on weekends, no dad says they can't make it as their kids have football practice. There was only one exception to this, a chap who had to leave at the same time everyday to pick his child up from school, as his child has autism and needs a rigorous routine. The others I imagine have kids, but I don't always know for sure because it's not a topic people tend to discuss.

Kids don't factor in this business. This is a man's world. Kids fit in around work for these men. I'm not saying this is the right way to do things, I'm only saying this is how it is.

And so enter a woman into a man's world. In my former rocket riding gerbil days, everyone knew I was childless. When I had the twins, everyone knew that too. It became a subject I would often hear - "You don't want to be doing x, you have babies to look after." Or "You won't be on project y, as your priority is to your kids."

Let me spell this out - my priorities are determined by me. Me. No one in the whole entire world can come in and tell me where my priorities should lie. Do I think that my priorities are my children? Generally yes, but this is not without exceptions. But I decide my priorities. I decide where things stack up. I decide how I need to approach situations involving me and my children.

Teresa and Melissia said what I was debating about in my head - Why can't Helen be a kick ass plastic bird project leader AND a kick ass mom? Why does it seem that a woman has to choose to be either one or the other?

Exactly.

What is it about squeezing something out of my thighs that means I no longer get to be the person I once was? Men go away on their two weeks of paternity leave, and when they come back it's assumed they'll go right back to working 12 hour days. Me, I am assumed automatically to work only 7 hour days. It's true that I end my days at a specific time so I can go get my kids and spend time with them before bed. But once they're in bed asleep, I log back in. Dedication can be divided, you just have to be patient. Why is the onus supposed to be on the woman instead of the man? Why does everyone view a woman becoming a mother as any different to a man becoming a father? We have just as much emotionally invested in the children.

The temptation for me to make my children my everything is huge, which is exactly why I mustn't do that. That puts a terrible burden on them, I think. If I were to know that I was my parents' everything I would forever worry that I could let them down, and that kind of worry is intolerable. Children need to be a part of life in general, no matter what occupation their parents have. Work, home, play, family, eating, sleeping, hugging - we all have our part to play. My children cannot be the only thing to keep me going in life, simply because it's not fair on them and doesn't show them the best way of making life well-rounded and even.

I reject the fact that in having kids it means that I am second rate now in this industry, that I can't do something, that I can't be something. It's hard enough as it is - sometimes when I'm with my kids I think about work, and often when I'm at work I think about my kids. I worked my ass off in college to graduate. Once I graduated, I worked my ass off to get where I am today. Work is absolutely, positively not my life. But it is a part of it. Working gives me money to buy clothes for my babies, electricity for our home, travel for our betterment, and above all a sense of independence for my soul. I got to where I am today because I worked my bloody tail off. That's worth something to me, that's worth being proud of and believing in. And if I feel better about myself then that can only be a good thing for my children - if I'm happy they'll know it. I honestly believe that children can sense when we're happy or unhappy, and if my children see a strong, happy, confident working person around them then I hope they'll grow to know that they can be that way, too. And if I am finally excited to be moved to a drinking bird project then that should mean I'm that much more attentive as a mom, because I'm not sidetracked worrying about what I'm going to be doing when I grow up.

I have children. Those children - despite our ups and downs - are a massive and wonderful part of my life. I revel in being a mother, but at the same time those revelations are private and if I am anything in real life, it's that I am fiercely private. It's frankly no one's fucking business at work whether I have children or not. I am wildly proud of my children, but that pride is mine to savor, it's not for the conference calls or the meeting rooms. My babies don't interfere with my job, they simply mean that I work in chunks of time. And I can honestly say that juggling that will be difficult at times, but my priorities are clear - I will take care of my children in the way that I feel is best for them emotionally, physically, fiscally, and spiritually.

At the end of the day no one I work with gets to judge me. Actually I think it's even broader than that. Absolutely no one gets to judge how I am as a mother. Someday when I die I might meet a nice man with a clipboard guarding a gate, and he might ask me how people might judge me as a mother. I will sweetly smile at him, peer over his clipboard, and tell him to fuck off. No one judges me.

No one but Nick and Nora.

Their opinions matter to me. I am accountable to them. And the choices I make are choices that I feel are what's best for them as my resonsibilities emotionally, physically, and financially. These choices are never made lightly, as the consequences are tremendous. And I am never in any doubt that they don't know how much they mean to me because if there's one thing in the world that I know I am it's this - I am a loving mother. I revel in that, although once again, I revel privately.

It's not about pushing my career away to tend to my babies. I know how I am as a mother. I know how I am as a project manager. And I can honestly say that one has nothing to do with the other.

-H.

PS-thanks so much to everyone who got involved in the auctions we held to raise money for Cali. Yesterday she made her goal, and has now scheduled her next round of IVF. You're all fabulous. We'll be doing another fund-raiser again to help another woman, stay tuned for the nominee and the details.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:03 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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