On the way from from Dog's Trust yesterday I found that the GPS gods directed me through Basingstoke. This was convenient as I needed to pick up more of my contact lenses and the shopping center in Basingstoke was where I was stupid enough to have my prescription. So I drove into the massive concrete wonder, parked up, and went into the Basingstok equivalent of a shopping mall.

January is the month of sales here, and so every store had whited out their window fronts with hure white and red signs screaming "50%!" or "60%!" or even "70%!". And it was the 70% welcome on the front of Monsoon that saw me enter.

Monsoon has some relatively cute clothes if you can work out why they sell sparkly tunics alongside what equates to a high school prom dress. It's an interesting store and a popular high street chain. The thing is, the cut of their clothes tends to be a bit strange, and when you're 5 foot 10 like me you find that the cut of the outfit, well, it's kind of an important thing.

I found a few shirts I wanted to try on-I have been all about the black and brown, but these shirts were in colors that looked like gemstones-a vivid green, a husky purple, and a sparkly burgundy. These were shirts that had a color to them that made me think of the Egyptian desert and pirate bounty. These were shirts that said: The person wearing me? She likes color.

But more to the point-these shirts were form-fitting.

And that's when I had my moment.

As I told my therapist a few weeks ago, my body is something I have a terrifically hard time with. The older I get the harder it is to shed pounds, and it's a fact that I have put on 5 pounds in the past year. But at the same time, my legs have become as strong as steel due to yoga, they are almost completely muscle. While fighting the middle-age spread that is backfat, I have put on some strong yoga shoulder muscles. And even when I used to starve myself, my clothing size would always stay the same simply because my frame is so specific-I literally do have a wide hook-that-yoke-up frame, with long legs, no waist, and no butt.

There in the hostile glow of the fluorescent lighting of the dressing room, I had a good long look at myself.

And I realized that I had to be more honest to myself about what I see.

I am in the frame of some of these pictures we took from the weekend, when we went to visit our soon-to-be-house. When I looked at those pictures, I was in shock. I looked so huge it was unreal, I looked like the Stay-Pufft Marshmallow Man, I was hideous. I wanted to never eat again.

But I looked at them in my mind as I looked at myself wearing a fitted shirt in the dressing room. I took the shirt off and put my sweater back on. I then swapped it for the fitted shirt again. And I realized that my own defense mechanism that was working so well it was even defeating me.

For some time now, I have been buying clothes a size or two too big for me. My jeans are two sizes too big and have to be belted just to stay on my pelvic bones. The sweater I was wearing was two sizes too big and bubbled up so much in the back due to the size that it looked like I was channeling Lou Ferrigno. Standing there in the dressing room, I took the belt off of my jeans and looked at myself with the shirt on, the jeans lolling somewhere around the jut of the pelvic bone.

I wasn't as disgustingly fat as I saw myself in my own head.

I wasn't Jennifer Aniston by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't fat.

I went and got a size medium top and tried it on, as opposed to the extra-large I had worn a minute ago. The medium fit me perfectly. And I realized that every moment I feel fat projects itself out into how I hold myself and how I dress myself.

They say that the average man (once he's finished lusting after Angelina Jolie) is turned on by a woman that is confident in herself. That although the average man says he wants a woman with a body like Naomi Watts to play with his Cadillac of Love, the truth is it's more about the woman than the woman's body. So we can look like Roseanne Barr, but as long as we are comfortable and confident in ourselves, then the men will love us. That if we're all about being willing to shed our clothes at the drop of the hat to have some wild monkey loving, it's less about what size we are and more about how we make the other person feel-like we love how we look so much we want to share it with them.

To which I say-riiiiiight. And this is why you have a comfy body like Star Jones in Playboy, as opposed to someone that hasn't eaten since 1987. Because men, they DO like round curvy bodies. They want more cushion for the pushin' and so they glorify the female wobbly body in all its glory!

But if the truth is that men don't mind an extra pound or two (or four or five or ten or twenty) they just enjoy someone that feels good about their body, then those are parameters I can try to work with. I can do the wild monkey loving and not worry about what I look like, because during Simian whoopie there are more important things to worry about. That's an easy one. But get me on a beach and suddenly I'm doing the dive and cover, as without fail there's someone there who's hotter than me, someone who makes me feel like I could do with a good two weeks without food.

Why is it so fucking hard to like how we look? Who are we judging ourselves against, and why does it have to be like that? Further to that, why do we have to feel less of a person around the Thinner People, or around the men that we kow idolize a female ideal that they will never achieve (bad news men-Demi Moore will never be yours. Sorry about that.)?

I've never liked how I look and have the anorexia paranoia scars to prove it. My One Person has always been a size 0, a tiny short petite thing that likes to have her hot fudge sundaes topped with nuts and a double bacon cheeseburger, thank you very much. Whereas for me, not only have hot fudge sundaes been off the menu since puberty, but if I eat so much as a grape I bloat so badly I'm into the Kmart nylon knickers category.

Kim always wanted me to look like Leeloo from Fifth Element, but that never happened. Mostly since the orange hair? A bit career limiting. And I wasn't so keen to run around in an outfit that was the equivalent of an Ace bandage, not to mention the fact that unlike Milla Jovovich, I like to eat. So I was never his ideal, really. I had the long red hair that he loved, but wearing Band-Aids over my nipples was not considered day wear for me.

Angus likes short haired, robust women. He likes women that look healthy and have curves on their bodies. Since short hair on me tends to make my face look like a lollipop on a stick I can see that I will be a long-haired chick for the better part of my life. But the robust? I got your robust. I have escaped Rubaneqsue, thank God, but I've got the curves. The good news is even after all the years we've known each other Angus still tells me that he absolutely loves my body.

I've never been the person I wanted to be (namely as thin as Anya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and cute and short like her to boot). That's the person I want to look like, but the person I am is tall (too tall), long legs, no waist and boobs that even after being reduced are (in my opinion) still too big. I am built like peasant stock, I could be used to hold up wooden window shields in a hurricane zone, I can pull a plow, I can survive a crop failure. I see myself as being huge and ungainly and unpleasant.

But seeing myself in the mirror...

I don't know why I'm putting myself in clothes that are the wrong size. I stood there, turning one way and then the other, looking in the mirror. With the belt taken off the jeans sagged, their two sizes sliding down my hips. Sure, there's an inch to pinch here and there on my body. There's room for improvement. But overall? It's not that bad. It's not going to win me America's Top Model, but then why do I need to? I may not be beautiful but people don't go running and screaming at the sight of me. I'm not tiny but I don't need two seats on an airplane (actually I do, but that's because my legs are too long and I can't sit still and I fidget so much that I always wind up the guy in front of me, so having two seats really fixes that.)

This morning I looked through old archived digital pictures of me from the past 4 years and think-my body looks great. I look healthy and good and slender. I look at those pictures and see myself and remember that I was embarrassed and ashamed of my body back then-but why? And I'm embarassed and ashamed of myself now-but I still wear those clothes, they still fit, so does this mean I look ok now, too?

In the UK, my body size is actually under-average. The average size of a woman here is a UK-sized 16, and I am not a 16. Grape-eating bloat notwithstanding, if I don't have the bloat the stomach's relatively flat. The legs are thin. My pelvis juts out. I punish myself constantly, I feel best about myself if I am skipping meals, I buy clothes so large that I am drowning in them. The comments from my boss and additional comments made by a neighbor haunt me.

But fuck them.

I'm not perfect. I'm not gorgeous or a size 4. I'd like to lose some weight and I hope to make that happen. But I need to stop beating myself up that I am less than I should be simply because I am not 100% proud of my body. I'm proud of my body when I'm in yoga class. I'm proud of my body when I'm having wild monkey loving with my robust-curvy-healthy-body-lovin' Angus. And while I was standing there, I realized was proud of my body in that dressing room.

I bought the shirts.

I am going to wear the shirts.

I am going to make myself wear the shirts and not cower under my extra large sweaters.

And I am going to work on accepting that this is the package I will live in for the rest of my life, so how's about respecting it. I don't kid myself that I'm going to be ok, that I won't watch something on TV and feel like shit for not being that small, that I won't feel nervous at snapping on that swimsuit and heading to the beach, that I won't hate how I look in pictures. I am not fixed, happy, or healthy about my body. But I have a lifetime ahead of me, one comprised of Angus holding on to my curves and my body stretching out its muscles onto a yoga mat. It's about fucking time I stopped punishing myself for being the person that people in my past think I should be and started accepting-this is me, and this me can wear fitted shirts.

Hopefully someday I will like myself.

-H.

PS-And she's agreed to help me shop for clothes, especially jeans that will fit me, as I head off on an airplane to her home tomorrow. You know. Because neither of us likes to shop or anything.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:55 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 2097 words, total size 11 kb.

1 H- I am so glad you are loving you and your size (which really I wouldnt mind taking some of that height or style off of you- cause NO WHERE is perfect (says the petite size four who is freaking over her flabby stomach) You want me to downsize the sweater then?? bises!

Posted by: stinkerbell at January 18, 2006 11:00 AM (QcMkT)

2 It's cliché but it's true. There's nothing a woman can wear that's sexier than confidence. Here's something from the male brain that you might not know. Confidence (and the resulting turn on factor) is not a threshold. It's a range. When a gal crosses from confident to pompous her sexiness falls precipitously. The male response changes from appreciation to possession. Like so: Response to confidence - "Wow! Did you see that girl?" Response to pomposity - "Damn, I'd like to nail that!"

Posted by: Jim at January 18, 2006 11:23 AM (oqu5j)

3 Without wanting to sound like creepy blog stalker guy I'd like to say I've always thought you looked lovely. And I'll second Jim's cliché - confidence is where it's at! Wear what you want, eat what you enjoy and the rest of the world can go hang ... it's your bod, do with it as pleases you.

Posted by: Rob at January 18, 2006 01:07 PM (VM84l)

4 I have been every size between 4 and 18, and was never really happy with my body. Now it is about the health. Do I feel like shit sometimes? The fattest chick in the room? Hell yeah, but most days I know I am healthy and strong-and that is enough for me (and my husband!). And with a 7 year old daughter clinging to every word I say, it is important that she is happy with herself-so if some asshole tries to make her feel like shit, she is better prepared than I ever was. The best way is for me to lead by example. I am glad you got to see what we see-a beautiful, confident, intelligent woman, who has more passion in her little finger than most people do in their whole body. I'm so proud.... Have fun, and for god's sake woman-get some jeans that show off that great booty!! ;-)

Posted by: Teresa at January 18, 2006 02:06 PM (zf0DB)

5 "I wasn't Jennifer Aniston by any stretch of the imaginationÂ…", thank God for that! Heres another perspective: have you ever wondered about male insecurities? Boys and girls can be so alikeÂ… What would you say to a guy feeling a bit like you do? Now take some of that medicine ;-).

Posted by: Miguel at January 18, 2006 03:07 PM (LXwC0)

6 Hey, I'm 5'10" and I love being tall. You seem to wear it well - so enjoy it. I have been skinny, I have been almost perfect and I am now about 15 lbs. overweight. I also wear clothing that is too large for me (so if I gain, they will still fit). But I know that they make me look larger than I am, so maybe I'll change that and scale down a little. Take it from one who knows, a little overweight (an inch to pinch) is far better than an anorexic-looking, skinny body.

Posted by: kenju at January 18, 2006 03:24 PM (9dKZN)

7 Good for you...and it's true...as a man, I can say, I prefer a woman who is confident and comfortable with herself. It doesn't matter...it's all about attitude and personality to me. Have fun on your trip.

Posted by: LiQiuD at January 18, 2006 03:54 PM (XCqS+)

8 God, I love you. All of the negative-body-image stuff in your post is exactly how I feel, even though in the last year I've lost 20 pounds and kept it off. I still need to lose some more, and that's all that I ever think about, not what I have accomplished. I also end up buying clothes straight off the rack, not even trying them on. I think I know my size, and yet everything I wear is at least a full size, if not 2 sizes bigger than I should be wearing.

Posted by: amber at January 18, 2006 03:55 PM (VZEhb)

9 You don't seem to look fat in your picture the way you mention it. You seem to look pretty cool. Stop punishing yourself. You'll only hurt yourself and no one else. To be upset over what you donÂ’t have is to waste what you do have.

Posted by: Friday's Child at January 18, 2006 09:28 PM (E/eFk)

10 Yay! I'm glad you finally figured out that you don't need to be a toothpick to be loved and to love yourself. And if there's no complaints from Angus, then something must be right about you. Besides, there's few things worse than having a bony companion for sex. Myself, I prefer fair amount of cushion (though Roseanne-sized is pushing it somewhat).

Posted by: diamond dave at January 18, 2006 09:47 PM (i7BFJ)

11 I love this post. You sound so much happier, and you must be so excited about the new house and a new dog! Body image is a tough one. I look back at all of the wasted energy spent worrying about my body, and that's all I see. Waste. I remember being really thin back in my 20's and I was not as happy. In fact it had nothing to do with my happiness. Anyway, I'm glad to hear/read about you being more optimistic and loving yourself!

Posted by: kathy at January 18, 2006 10:03 PM (flb/n)

12 Thanks for saying so beautifully and effectively what so many women do to themselves regarding their body image. Its about time you started loving you because the rest of us have known for sometime that you're pretty and so damn lovable that we'd all like to hug the stuffings out of you! *grin*

Posted by: dee at January 18, 2006 10:06 PM (sZnML)

13 This really hit home, Helen. It's like you were reading my thoughts on this. A few weeks back, we watched White Christmas, you know, the old movie with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. There are two women in it as well, Rosemary Clooney and another woman. And I remember that the last time I saw this movie, I *really* wanted to look like the other woman, the really thin blonde one. Rosemary Clooney looked a bit too big to me, I thought. To my surprise this time around the thinner woman looked *terrible*. She looked like her head was too big for her body and her body far too thin, dreadfully thin. Even Dan remarked on her and said "what an unattractive woman!" I said, "But Dan, I thought she was the most beautiful thing ever last time I watched this movie." He was really shocked that I did. He said she looked like something was wrong with her. Well, after the movie, we went to IMDB to check on this woman and see what happened to her and it turns out she was anorexic! Way back in the 50's. Not only that, but the clothes designers had to choose her clothes carefully and make sure she was always totally covered up because she looked so very thin. Her anorexia ruined her career and she stopped getting parts. So...I totally understand about image and how image changes, etc. Good post, thanks. :-)

Posted by: Amber at January 18, 2006 10:17 PM (zQE5D)

14 Helen, I can't tell you how glad I am to see you say these things. We've all been telling you that you are beautiful, but you had to see yourself that way. Have a lovely weekend and a good tim shopping!

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 18, 2006 11:23 PM (/vgMZ)

15 Oh and the best part? All of my blood tests today were COVERED!! I saved over 800 bucks on blood work. MORE MONEY TO GO SHOPPING. Yeah, we totally hate shopping.

Posted by: statia at January 19, 2006 12:49 AM (56gUM)

16 Great post!

Posted by: Flikka at January 19, 2006 02:16 AM (puvdD)

17 Hey, Helen? I've never thought you looked anything but beautiful and just right in any of the photos I've seen here. AND, as a constant weight battler, any time I wear clothes that fit, people ask me if I've lost weight. I get lots of compliments on those days. You are a lovely person, outside AND inside. Cheers!

Posted by: Serena at January 19, 2006 02:54 PM (ToHm9)

18 I am very proud of you, Helen. Very proud.

Posted by: Dana at January 19, 2006 03:48 PM (b7OKi)

19 Awesome. Just awesome. I ended up doing my college thesis (non-major-related) on body image because I saw many of my friends going through the exact same thing, and I wanted to research the whole business. What I discovered surprised me a bit. Not the results, but the "risk factors." One extreme risk factor is the girl who is achieving a higher level of academia than her mother, especially if she is belilttled for that accomplishment. Another risk factor is being held poorly in comparison to a sibling, usually a brother, and usually about intelligence. I haven't read back through the archives of your site, but given what I've seen since I started reading, you were belittled for many things during your childhood years, body and mind. What I am saying is that it's no surprise that you developed a poor body image. It IS a surprise, and a good one, that you have been able to look at yourself objectively at all. Anorexia has an extreme rate of recidivism, and anyone who beats the odds is superlative. And quite honestly, as a big-hipped skinny girl myself, I think curvaceous women look right, while model-thin looks pretty breakable.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 20, 2006 04:20 AM (tie24)

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