I've been reading the latest Christopher Moore novel Fluke. I love Christopher Moore. I've only read one other book of his and I want to read more, but I need to take them slowly, like I do with Augusten Burroughs or David Sedaris. This is going to sound insane, but I'll generally buy the new Sedaris or Burroughs and then not read it for as long as possible, because once I read it, then I'll be done with it.

I know. I'm in therapy.

Christopher Moore is one hell of a writer - at one turn hilarious, at the next serious and metaphor-y. He writes storylines that are completely impossible, and yet you go with it because he's either making you laugh or making you suck in your breath. An example of a passage from this book he's written that stunned me:

Leathery bar girls worked the charter booths at the harbor, smoking Basic 100s and talking in voices that sounded like 151 rum poured into hot grease - a jigger of friendly to the liter of harsh. They were thirty-five or sixty-five, the color of mahogany, skinny and strong from living on boats, liquor, fish, and disappointment. They'd come here from a dozen coastal towns, some sailing from the mainland in small craft but forgetting to save enough courage for the trip home.

Jesus.

Maybe you're not impressed, but I sure as hell was.

Or I would be, only I was still bitter over the "you didn't prove you can speak English" bit. I know it seems like nothing, but language is hugely important to me, it's everything, it's the basis of who I am. Angus (and every ex in my past, actually) gets angry with me because of how I work over the language in an argument. I can talk my way out of all kinds of scrapes, and while I used to be able to do it in several languages, these days I'll stick with just the English version.

I woke the other morning in a pure panic because I couldn't remember what a gerund was - it's pathetic enough that I know the word "gerund", add in to the fact that I a) was in a panic because I didn't remember what it was and b) I looked it up to relieve my mind, and it should show you what a loser I can be. English was my favorite (and easiest) subject in school. Lemme' diagram a sentence anyday, it'll rock my world. I'll accept that I suck at many things, but one thing I always wanted to be proud of myself for was my control of the English language.

Then along came the Home Office, and suddenly I felt like they came in and took away my eblows - a vital part of me that I needed was gone, as was my flexibility.

A non-blogging friend of mine recently sent me a joke:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese diet consists of very little fat and yet Japanese suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexican diet consists of a lot of fat and yet Mexicans suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and yet suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and yet suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

As far as the visa goes, as I am an American, speaking English was indeed my issue.

Yesterday after running a few errands and looking forward to a nap, I came home to an envelope in the post box for me.

I opened it.

This was inside.

Yessss....

Today is the final day of name voting. A few of the name choices are really, really close. May the best names win.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:31 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
Post contains 711 words, total size 6 kb.

1 How come my pick of Hansel and Gretel didn't make the list? I'm going into therapy now.

Posted by: statia at September 13, 2007 12:22 PM (lHsKN)

2 That passage rocked hard. Congrats on being a "highly skilled migrant"!

Posted by: Teresa at September 13, 2007 12:50 PM (EZCZa)

3 And let me tell you, you are one highly skilled migrant, my friend.

Posted by: donna at September 13, 2007 01:16 PM (Kco5r)

4 Congratulations on the visa! One worry to check off of the list. And yes, that Moore quote is truly amazing.

Posted by: Gwyneth at September 13, 2007 01:17 PM (Jy7h6)

5 Congrautlations on the happy news. If you enjoy the ins and outs of the English language, I'd like to suggest The Life of Pi. The story was entertaining, but I especially like the author's skill with words. He was like an artist, weaving a tapestry of prose on the canvas of my mind. Tangentially related comment: I actually used the word "gerund" in a conversation with my wife last night. Really.

Posted by: physics geek at September 13, 2007 01:24 PM (MT22W)

6 I love diagramming sentences too! For someone who has always loved reading and performed best in English class, it's a wonder that I ended up in a math-based career. Also, I just read my first Christopher Moore book Lamb and LOVED it. I'm looking forward to reading more of his stuff.

Posted by: geeky at September 13, 2007 01:50 PM (ziVl9)

7 I just finished Looking for Alaska by John Green and it had several passages that took my breath away like that. I send once Amy finishes. Also--I took Spanish Linguistics when I was in college as part of my minor courses. My brother was giving me shit about how I knew more about the Spanish language than English. I disagreed. He said, "Alright, what's a gerund?" Cue blank look from me until my brain went, "Psst. Gerundio." Yeah, the Spanish word for gerund. And then I could tell him what it was. So Bro won that round.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at September 13, 2007 01:54 PM (+p4Zf)

8 Congrats!

Posted by: alice at September 13, 2007 02:55 PM (wPe6V)

9 WooHoo! One less item to worry about!

Posted by: caltechgirl at September 13, 2007 02:57 PM (/vgMZ)

10 Oh, thank God you're approved! This would have been an awfully bad time for you to have been deported. Will you kill me if I nitpick this bit of Moore's? What if I explain tearfully that I can't help it, I have to, it won't leave me alone? talking in voices that sounded like 151 rum poured into hot grease - a jigger of friendly to the liter of harsh. I know, I know, I know what he was going for there, but 151 rum poured into hot grease is not "a jigger of friendly to the liter of harsh." 151 rum poured into hot grease is A FIRE. A horrible, raging fire that burns down the entire bar, taking a few leathery bar girls and many packs of Basic 100s with it! Oh, it's too tragic to think about.

Posted by: ilyka at September 13, 2007 03:19 PM (UztB4)

11 Went to see The History Boys the other night. My favorite part, where I felt like I laughed more than anyone else in the audience : Dakin: I'm just kicking the tyres on this one but, further to the drink, what I was really wondering was whether there were any circumstances in which there was any chance of your sucking me off. [pause] Dakin: Or something similar. [pause] Dakin: Actually, that would please Hector. Tom Irwin: What? Dakin: "Your sucking me off." It's a gerund. He likes gerunds. And your being scared shitless, that's another gerund

Posted by: BeachGirl at September 13, 2007 03:21 PM (RgeoX)

12 YAY! *doing the happy dance*

Posted by: sue at September 13, 2007 03:48 PM (WbfZD)

13 great names. :-) i love christopher moore. fluke was great as was lamb. tom robbins is another great one and if you like them you might also like matt ruff's writing.

Posted by: leah at September 13, 2007 06:06 PM (ZD7Ic)

14 congratulations!

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at September 13, 2007 08:24 PM (+MvHD)

15 Woo-Hoo! Glad that at least one of your worries can be crossed off the list. Christopher Moore is one of my favorites. Lamb (as previously mentioned) made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants. His recent Dirty Job is also quite a hoot. Hope you are feeling a bit more relaxed since you are now deemed a highly skilled migrant.

Posted by: sophie at September 13, 2007 08:31 PM (AY+fk)

16 Oh, thank heavens they finally came to their senses. HAMISH AND FIONA! It's the least you can do after not putting "Thing 1 and Thing 2" on the voting list. ;^)

Posted by: Sarah at September 13, 2007 09:09 PM (Fb/9N)

17 OK, you never told us the definition. What does it mean?

Posted by: Karen at September 13, 2007 09:38 PM (KFxNi)

18 Congrats on the visa extension! Im sad to see my names arent doing so well Im also sad that with only 4 weeks to go at work my employer has caught on to my first stop on line everyday - they had the nerve to block you! UGH! Now I must check at home, but will do. Dont want to miss anything

Posted by: Christina at September 14, 2007 12:34 AM (cu+y1)

19 I got to have brunch with Christopher Moore once. Apparently, our general manager had fallen so hard for Lamb that he'd snagged promo copies for most of the staff, and then the staff pushed it so hard that our sales were this anomalous spike, something like eight or nine times higher than the other stores in the area. So to start off his tour for Fluke he came and had brunch with us. Things I learned: —He wanted to be a horror writer, but the other people in his writing group kept giggling at his descriptions of blood and gore. He bowed to inevitability. —He's very nice and very funny in person. —He's tall. —I had to be at work to open that morning anyway, but just for being there I got me a signed hardback! (The inscription is "Big and Wet!") —Tomatoes taste wonderful in a salad with mozarella, basil, and olive oil. Just saying.

Posted by: B. Durbin at September 14, 2007 02:10 AM (tie24)

20 Josh and Sydny are clearly the best choices but one of the least voted.

Posted by: Daffyshirts at September 14, 2007 02:42 AM (M7kiy)

21 I love jack and isobel. and congrats on the extention!

Posted by: Chelsea at September 14, 2007 05:00 PM (34aYA)

22 Hi, I dropped by from Mia but have seen you on other sites. I will be back as now, not only do I need to catch up, but I have to find out what happens with the twins! I had the "shot in the back" and, well, am fine, it works, but... I am not sure that I would have had it had I not been in complete shock as it was an emergency C-section. My daughter, her dad, and most of my family are English grammar fans. I am excited to teach her how to diagram sentence... as a game. It is fun! I found the best way to learn English was to teach British English (which is odd as I am American) and to learn a different language. I learned Spanish and Italian. The Italian truly helped me understand English. Good luck with those babies!!

Posted by: The Exception at September 18, 2007 07:23 PM (z62e3)

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