Last night I suited up in comfy pants, a tank top, and a sweatshirt and headed off to yoga. I had been looking forward to my little yoga class all week and I couldn't really understand why. Sure, it was a workout and a break from the norm, but it's not as though it was of the highest level serious Kundalini yoga classes that divide and conquer the spiritual realm-after all, the instructor kicked off last week's session talking about the chocolate cake and chili con carne she'd eaten over the weekend. Not exactly spiritual stuff.

I go to the class and roll out my mat, taking my shoes off and sinking comfortably onto its bumpy plastic surface. The instructor comes in and smiles at me. "You were here last week, yes?" she asks.

"Yes." I reply simply.

Buddha says: In yoga, one must practice simplicity.

"Ohmigosh, I am so terribly sorry! I have completely forgotten your name! It's what happens when one grows older. I swear I would forget my head if it wasn't tied onto my neck." Simplicity not needed in instructor-types, apparently.

"Helen." I say, trying to guide her back down the path of supreme spirituality in efficiency of words.

"That's right. Of course. I have a 14 year-old niece named Helen. Durr. This weekend I gave her a chocolate Easter egg and she ate the whole thing in one sitting! I'm trying to convince her to come to yoga but I think she thinks it's uncool." Hmm. Her spiritual sensors must be off, as I was so broadcasting the "simplicity of words" thing.

Buddha says: Some donkeys cannot be led to water. In which case, better to either give up or drug and drown them in nearest stream.

We kick it off and a late arrival comes in, a man with the same name as my dear boy. He had his mat next to me last time and told me a few times how to move my hips, which I usually ask a man buys me a drink before doing. He smiles at me from across the room as if to say: Hello, oh wandering yoga dilettante.

The instructor smiles and tells us she will show us the position we will work towards today. She looks at me. "This isn't something I'd usually recommend for a second-timer, Helen, but I think you're able to give it a go."

Buddha says: Sensei is omnipotent when it comes to identifying Gumby-type people. And she should lay off the cabbage.

She stands up and shows us what position we are working towards, and, stunningly, I recognize it from a movie. Being a complete and utter movie dork, one of my favorite holiday movies is Scrooged ("Oh look! A TOASTER!"). In two scenes, Bill Murray demonstrates a position where he looks like sweet peas going haywire up a trellis, and this is the exact position we are headed for today.

Cooooool.

So we do lots of warming-up bendy type things, always supposedly concentrating on our breathing, to the point where I wonder if I am hyper-ventilating. I feel almost like I can split barn roofs with my hands, which leads me to believe I am suffering from weird hallucinations brought on by too much oxygen. I don't normally breathe that much. And if I do, I certainly don't pay attention to it.

Buddha says: Air much better than alcohol. Easier to carry it in a six-pack, too.

Then we are asked to get in a weird crab-like shape and move our pelvises backwards and forwards on the mat. This strikes me as weird. I don't normally rub my pelvis up and down a mat unless it somehow is related to foreplay, but, ok. If we can do Group Farts, we can do Group Foreplay. The pelvis gets moved and I wonder why everyone looks so serene when I have images of Angus handcuffed to the bed and covered with whipped cream.

Better slow down on the pelvic rubbing.

Buddha says: Abstinence sucks. Trust me.

Then we move into a crow-like position but when we swing forward, the instructor says, we have to roar. Caught halfway between trying to figure out if my legs really are hip-width apart or if I am being really uncharitable to myself, I look up. What? Roar? What?

The instructor smiles. "That's right. We're going to roar as we come up, heads up, shoulders relaxed, on the exhale. It releases the tension in the body and nurtures our inner soul."

She really does say that, and the room, full of conservative English-folk that have probably never roared in their life, look apprehensive. I don't blame them. I have never roared either. I mean, I do a killer screaming chimpanzee shtick, but only when I'm trying to turn on Angus. The instructor demonstrates the move again, lifting her head and-I swear to God-roaring like a demented tiger as she comes up. The rest of the class, looking reserved, gets ready, as do I. But when we come up they roar and I don't.

I am absolutely not roaring.

No fucking way.

Buddha says: The one with pride is-

Fuck off, Buddha. I'm not roaring.

Buddha grumbles and goes to rearrange incense.

When we finally come to the windy sweet pea bit, I am well-loosened, so much so that I wonder if my arms are coming out of their sockets. We start by winding one leg all the way around the other and hooking the foot behind the calf. Angus 2 has a terrible time with it. The instructor tells him that women generally find that position easier than the men.

"Ah yes." Angus 2 says. "It must help with child-bearing hips."

Bite me, zen-boy.

Then we wind up twisting our arms around each other and, while still standing on one leg with the other wrapped around it, arch the elbows up to the ceiling and then lean down. The instructor tells Angus 2 that this is also a position easier for women, and while I wait for a petty comeback, it's nothing doing from his end as he's seriously assed off he can't do the position. I just manage to do the position if I turn around and don't look at anyone else in the room, but it's a ridiculously difficult position and there's all kinds of wobbling. I hear Angus 2 whining and falling all over his mat. He just can't do it.

Buddha says: Child-bearing hips, mate. How about them apples?

By the end of the class I feel great. We have to wind down while sitting cross-legged with our thumb and first finger making that stereotypical "O". She makes us imagine a tree and I start to get restless behind my eyes after 10 minutes of it. I got it. My tree and I are one with the Mother Nature and we're all holding hands and skipping to a garage-funk version of Om Shanti. Now end this or else I am seconds from falling asleep.

I go home and demonstrate my new positions to Angus, who again flatly states that yoga is not for him.

And in the meantime....

Buddha says: Happy Birthday, Helen. And better up the eye wrinkle cream usage, babe.

Have a good weekend.

-H.

PS-Red explains the origins of April Fool's Day. I tried to comment on it but got rejected as a spammer, and I didn't even use "viagra" or "online poker" in the comments! But it's ok. I've been called worse.

PPS- Jim, one of the greatest men in the world of blogging and bovine perversion, bought me a fantastic present. I absolutely adore it. He bought me www.everydaystranger.net. I have my own .net and I just love it.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:13 AM | Comments (35) | Add Comment
Post contains 1296 words, total size 8 kb.

1 Boy was my face red when I realized I jumped the gun yesterday. EEEP! Happy birthday, Helen. Love you loooong time, girlie girl. P.S. You're not quite ready for the orthopedic shoes, mmmmmkay? xoxo

Posted by: Margi at April 01, 2005 08:33 AM (lWAiX)

2 At risk of being boringly unoriginal: happy birthday. Now Buddha wants to know what happened to that cake. Please tell me you didn't just eat it!

Posted by: Simon at April 01, 2005 09:51 AM (OyeEA)

3 Margi- you just got points for promptness Simon-a woman never reveals what she does with frosting in bed...

Posted by: Helen at April 01, 2005 10:19 AM (1i2pB)

4 Happy, happy birthday, Helen! Sending you lots of love and wishing you lots of cake and fizzy drinks! I hope Angus makes a fuss. And tell Budha to leave you alone at yoga, he's clearly a distraction!

Posted by: RP at April 01, 2005 10:31 AM (X3Lfs)

5 Does it make you feel any better whatsoever to realize that no matter how many candles may adorn your cupcake in any given year, I will always have a decade on you? Doesn't help *me* any, but I offer it to you. 'Cause I love you. :-) Happiest of days, my friend. And may all the rest of the days of your life be filled with at least moments of sunshine so bright you are forced to wear shades. xoxoxo

Posted by: Jennifer at April 01, 2005 12:58 PM (MbhV6)

6 Ah, Buddha is wise. There are many uses for the various body cremes and you should definitely increase your use of them during your explorations. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at April 01, 2005 01:46 PM (tyQ8y)

7 Have a very, very Happy Birthday, Helen!

Posted by: Lindsay at April 01, 2005 01:57 PM (srIAp)

8 Happy Bday!

Posted by: pylorns at April 01, 2005 01:58 PM (FTYER)

9 Happy birthday Helen! I hope you have a wonderful day.

Posted by: karmajenn at April 01, 2005 02:02 PM (fx1A8)

10 Happy Birthday! Email to you has been bouncing, so I'll just leave it to this for now. I hope you have a fabulous birthday weekend.

Posted by: emily at April 01, 2005 02:06 PM (plXME)

11 I would so NOt roar either. Instead, I would have fuckin laughed so hard. Happy Birthday Helen...31 is still so very young...all my best.

Posted by: Marie at April 01, 2005 02:15 PM (PQxWr)

12 Happy Birthday! Online poker? I don't even know her.

Posted by: Brass at April 01, 2005 03:02 PM (6TLEO)

13 Happy Birthday! I absolutely love the movie Scrooged!! Darnit, now I want to see it!

Posted by: Erin at April 01, 2005 03:06 PM (KYrs1)

14 Happy Birthday Helen. I love reading your blog. Please keep it up and have a great day!

Posted by: dave at April 01, 2005 03:37 PM (hkvGr)

15 Have a happy, Helen! I hope it is rife with mat-rubbing-minus-the-mat! heh Best to you.

Posted by: scorpy at April 01, 2005 03:43 PM (reNK1)

16 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Hope you have a fun weekend.

Posted by: Milly at April 01, 2005 03:51 PM (o8hq+)

17 Happy birthday again, love! I'm soooo sorry you've been blocked by my Spam Police. And what do you know, I didn't even realise that I HAD spam police, because they certainly haven't been doing their jobs! In fact, I'm writing about my problems with them, a post inspired by you and Kat. Have a lovely, lovely day! xxx R.

Posted by: redsaid at April 01, 2005 04:06 PM (XR7xh)

18 Oooh, and I forgot to say: It's a lovely gift from Jim! Because it really IS nice to have one's very own .net!

Posted by: redsaid at April 01, 2005 04:07 PM (XR7xh)

19 yay, your post made me smile. :-) i love that sweet pea position...it's one of the few I can do all the way. happy birthday darlin! and yay for your own .net! that's kick-ass! xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxo

Posted by: kat at April 01, 2005 04:07 PM (ejrqO)

20 happy birthday! i have to admit i am sometimes prone to fits of giggles during yoga. it often defeats the purpose - and yet...it makes me want to go back for more!

Posted by: sn at April 01, 2005 04:51 PM (6FCAy)

21 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like I've said previously in your comments... 31 ain't half bad so far...

Posted by: amber at April 01, 2005 04:54 PM (VZEhb)

22 Helen, this just cracked me up. Here I am with a horrendous cold, and you made me actually laugh out loud for the first time in several watery-eyed days. YAY! Thank you. And.. ******HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN******* Dan and I will tip a toast to you tonight. :-)

Posted by: Amber at April 01, 2005 04:54 PM (zQE5D)

23 Happiest of Happy Birthdays!!

Posted by: Lisa at April 01, 2005 05:17 PM (08k8j)

24 On everdaystranger.net? Why not the whole collection (.com and .org). Prehaps even .edu and .gov and .mil if you can get them. Eitherway Happy Birthday. Welcome to the 30 and older club.

Posted by: Drew at April 01, 2005 06:12 PM (CBlhQ)

25 welcome to my decade, babe. you'll like it here. hope you have a wondermously terrific day.

Posted by: becky at April 01, 2005 06:16 PM (/VG77)

26 'K..now this post is just funny I don't care who ya'are. Buddha has never sounded as fresh. Happy Birthday to you!! Ya gonna luv ya thirties!

Posted by: P Mann at April 01, 2005 07:22 PM (f+6vj)

27 HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN!!! Keep in mind that 31 is a great age because it is a beginning for all kinds of new things that the 30s brings. You'll really enjoy it. Big hugs, dee

Posted by: dee at April 01, 2005 07:36 PM (sZnML)

28 I just started taking yoga too, and I'm sure now I'll be hearing your Buddha comments during class. Heh heh. And best wishes for a very happy birthday!

Posted by: nic at April 01, 2005 10:15 PM (etHvD)

29 Happy Birthday to you!! Been a busy week for me. I will get to your questions directly. Hugs!!!

Posted by: Azalea at April 01, 2005 11:13 PM (hRxUm)

30 Happy Birthday, Helen! I know I'm too late for your time zone, but it's still your birthday over here! Buddha says roaring may look retarded but it is VERY cleansing and helpful. I highly recommend it. Maybe you should just do it when no one is looking.

Posted by: Ms.Q at April 02, 2005 12:25 AM (WUM14)

31 Hippo birdie two ewes, hippo birdie two ewes, hippo birdie deer ewe, hippo birdie two ewes!

Posted by: B. Durbin at April 02, 2005 12:55 AM (e+pdA)

32 Happy Birthday, a day late lol. Hope it was a good one!

Posted by: justme at April 02, 2005 02:50 PM (4zpYV)

33 Happy (belated, now) Birthday, Helen, and many happy returns. Here's to a year filled with love and joy and Lush bath bombs.

Posted by: Marian at April 03, 2005 01:16 AM (tAGqP)

34 happy belated birthday!

Posted by: girl at April 03, 2005 03:19 PM (uZxXS)

35 I'm sorry I'm late in wishing you a Happy Birthday but from the looks of your pictures you had a nice day. You are absolutely beaming! Looks like you had a grand time with your boy.

Posted by: Kandy at April 04, 2005 07:34 PM (fnOQ7)

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